A few years ago I emailed my girlfriend:
“Oh no!”
She replied “What?!”
I responded: “My dick fell off.”
To which she replied: “OH MY GOD! Really?!?!? 
Call an ambulance NOW.”
I then called her to see if she was serious. She was.
If it’s any consolation, I would have laughed. 
Yeah.
Q
Last night my wife made chicken for dinner and I started joking around with the kids saying “You know what this, don’t you… it’s squirrel.”
We were laughing and joking a bit, going on about the distinction between red squirrel meat and grey squirrel meat.
Then the kids’ friend who was over (a teenager) said “you mean that was actually squirrel meat?”
Everyone turned and looked at him in disbelief, as my wife and I very quickly said “No, it was chicken. Don’t go to school tomorrow saying that your friend’s mom serves squirrel. It was CHICKEN.”
I recently had a class reunion, and when someone offered me a beer, I said: “Thanks, but I shouldn’t – I just came back from rehab, and I should really show my parole officer that I’m serious about quitting this time.”
Sometime later, I was happily chugging cold ones, one ex-classmate approaches me somewhat sneakily and asks: “Just to prevent any rumours – what’d you do?”
:dubious: “What’d I do what?”
“You know, about the parole thing…” :smack:
20+ years ago, if you were bitching about someone excessively, I’d say: Want to have them killed? I’ll do it for X dollars. (I forget the X.)
I ran a twofer at Chistmas.
I was in college at the time and I said this to a student about a professor. Another student over heard me and told the professor, who then reported me to the campus cops.
Not too much came of it, but I stopped making that joke.
The woman was a bit nuts. She later dated a man with whom I was friends and she claimed that his ex was calling her and threatening her.
I am the queen of serious-sounding, ill-timed jokes. When we were first married, everytime my husband and I would get into an argument, as it was winding down, I would crack some sort of joke to lighten the mood, get to a conclusion faster, whatever. He was still very much focused on the argument and, unfortunately, my joke would start the whole thing all over again or result in a totally different disagreement. I finally learned to stop doing that - it took way too much time and emotional drama.
I’m pretty deadpan when I’m being sarcastic, so he still often takes my jokes as serious comments.
Conclusion: I tell awful jokes, at least to my husband.
Just because that woman was crazy doesn’t mean she wasn’t getting threats from the ex!
Perhaps that explains why he may have been threatening her.
I printed this out a month or two ago and taped it to my door at work. It’s mostly a physical therapy clinic, with some older patients, so I fully understand that anything I put up there has to be pretty vanilla. My boss walked by after a few days and said, “You know Troy, I think you should take this down. We don’t want people to think we’re anti-Obama.”
I wouldn’t say 80% of the people have no sense of humor, but I’d say 80% of the jokes are ruined by someone who doesn’t get it or are offended by some part of the joke that is not offensive. Don’t fight the hypothetical’s link is a good, if extreme example.
It’s a phenomenon that comes and goes, and the past month or so has been a peak.
I worked midnights for the longest time. I usually had my home phone turned off during the day, but a set of circumstances forced me to turn the phone during one of the days I needed to sleep for work. After the umpteenth telemarketer called, I decided on revenge. The conversation went something like this:
Me (extremely groggy voice): Hello?
Them (young excited female voice): Hi Mr. Paragod, I’ve got an exciting offer for you…
Me (still groggy): I’m so glad you called.
Them: Me too sir, this is a great offer…
Me: I had to take the gun out of my mouth to say hello.
Them (now extremely apprehensive): Umm, sir?
Me (pleading): Please don’t hang up. Talk to me. I don’t know what I’ll do.
Them (even more apprehensive): umm…well…
Me: What is this life saving offer?
The conversation went on for roughly 10 minutes. I fell back asleep and was awakened again about 5 minutes later by the local Sheriff’s department, checking on my welfare. I laughed a bit as I explained my story. I knew one of the officers so I was able to go back to sleep without being admitted to a psych hospital. He told me that it was funny, but I should never do that again. He then chuckled a bit. He said I’ve often felt like doing something like that when I work midnights. I admit, I do feel slightly responsible for any therapy bills the young lady has incurred since.
It’s the chain-is-only-as-strong-as-its-weakest-link kind of stuff. I sent an e-mail out to my co-workers a few weeks back announcing an upcoming blood drive.
It started out with this:
Now, people in the office know that I am a bit of an easy going guy who likes to joke around with everyone. I give some pretty entertaining presentations, but some people gave me flak for this opening statement in the e-mail. A lot of people either laughed, took it with a grain of salt, or simply looked past it and focused on the REAL POINT of the e-mail, which was the blood drive. However, a select few took offense and complained to me and my superior. What a bunch of stiffs.
Many years ago when my daughter was about 5, an older cousin, D., and his wife, G., had invited us over for dinner. G. was a wonderful cook, and that evening she’d made a fabulous beef stroganoff.
Except that D. looked at it and said, “Yum! Dog food for dinner!” At which point my daughter got so upset that G. wouldn’t even serve us people food that G. ended up having to fix her something completely different for dinner. (I didn’t ask her to – I think she felt it was her responsibility since it was her husband’s fault.)
To this day, whenever I see stroganoff I think of dog food. Gee, thanks, D.
Oh, and Quasimodem? I saw that as a total silly joke and wondered for a moment if Barn Owl has had a humorectomy. That really sucks to be taken so badly for something so truly inane.
my in-laws don’t get my humor, except for my brother-in-law. I really think my MIL would break her jaw if she ever cracked a smile. My wife is getting better, but sarcasm is not her humor. She prefers speech impediments and physical maladies.
I’ve printed out some of my own photos and taped them to my door. One of them is this. I could understand if they wanted it taken down, but I think it’s generally a pleasant picture.
The same boss tries to encourage my photography, which I do appreciate, but whenever he brings someone to check out my door he points to that one and says, “Now, while I certainly disagree with the message of this photo, I really like the colors.” :rolleyes:
(Don’t fight, I missed the edit window, but to be sure, I’m not calling you out for not having a sense of humor, I meant your link. Although now that I think about it, it would be funny if you were offended by me obviously insulting you. 
)
I went to the post office one time to buy some stamps. The clerk has waited on me a number of times.
Post office clerk: “I haven’t seen you in here in a while.”
Me: “I’ve been in prison.”
::crickets::
So then, in the spirit of the post office having “wanted” posters on the wall, I had to explain to her that I had not, in fact, been in prison. Sheesh.
My husband jokes with absolutely everybody. Most people take it well, but he can’t seem to stop himself in the face of someone who clearly Does Not Get It, e.g. the literal-minded kindergarten teacher, or the waiter who barely understands English. Before we go to the airport I make him promise that he will not open his mouth around the security people.
I had a stupid boss once, whom we’ll call Stupid Boss. One time in a managers meeting, she was pissing and moaning about people abusing sick leave and calling in ill around weekends. Most people were just ignoring it as one of her bullshit petty rants, until I unwisely made a deadpan comment that yeah, 40% of all sick calls occurred on a Monday or Friday.
Stupid Boss hit the fucking roof: this was an outrage, why was nothing being done?, who were the perpetrators?, give her a list of all those 40% of calls and heads would roll, etc. etc.
Remember the scene in the Simpsons where they have to explain a gas explosion to Homer using hand puppets? I swear that was what the rest of the meeting was like, with laborious explanations and then Sharpie pie charts being drawn up to show her what 40% of 5 looked like, Stupid Boss wearing her angry bewildered face - “I don’t know what’s going on so it’s probably your fault” - and the reactions of the other managers going from eye-rolling to sniggering to open heckling.
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
Holy crap. Yeah, similar things have happened to me here, a lot, but I can’t recall one instance that was so extreme. Very poor form, BarnOwl.
Jesus! What the fuck was BarnOwl’s problem!? Were his posts some kind of mega whoosh on everyone else in the thread or was he actually serious?