I was reminded of this by a GD thread regarding euthenasia.
My sister had a series of strokes a couple of years ago. After the last one, she was unable to swallow or speak. To go on living would have required tube feeding and hydration by needle. She refused both and had filled out a detailed statement to the effect that if such a circumstance should occur, she would want to be allowed to die.
So we took her home. The hospice people were fantastic. They provided a bed, drugs, and nurses dropping by. We provided soft lights, music, and company.
She was alert and responsive until the last 16 hours or so, when her breathing became labored and difficult. Her gaze was fixed, we were told she was in a kind of waking coma. A few hours before she actually died, the nurse came by and took her blood pressure. It was something like 70 over ZERO. I didn’t think you could be alive with any kind of 'zero" readings. But she was.
We knew it was soon. We gathered around her all together, one sister crawling into the bed with her. We all touched her somewhere. We talked, we laughed a little. We kept telling her we loved her and that it was ok. As she got closer to death, her breathing, which had been a harsh pant, slowed. It actually became kind of funny…there would be these long pauses between breaths, we’d all look at each other: “Is that it?” and then she’d draw another breath.
But finally the pause was permanent.
It was an amazing moment on a lot of levels.
I recommend to anyone who is facing the death of someone they love (and we all will someday) - be there if you can. Really. You’ll be glad, and so will they. It isn’t creepy, it’s a good thing.
stoid
just remembering…
It will be 3 years ago Jan 15
Damn it, Stoidela, that’s sad.
It reminds me of my mom’s death almost two years ago. Only I didn’t get the luxury of knowing that it was her last day. I even remember her saying, “I’ll go to the hospital, tomorrow” that night!
She died while we were asleep before Saint Patrick’s Day. I should have noticed that she never actually went to bed.
I asked her if she were alright.
She told me to go to sleep.
Stoidela you are lucky, I have watched many people die (occupational hazard of Emergency Room work). Most of the people I have watched die, it’s not peaceful, it is often painful and scary for them and their family (if the family is lucky enough to be there). I’m glad that your sister was one who went peacefully.
I got offered to see my best friend die this year, but it was him offering, and I couldn’t promise him I wouldn’t try to keep him alive.
So I said goodbye, we parted, and less then an hour later he had killed himself.
Sometimes it’s very good to be there (I sort of wish I had been with my grandfather, but his death was more graphic and brutal than simly to stop breathing). But sometimes it’s just not a possibility, that don’t stop stop you from thinking about it though.
Not me, but (former)Roommate had a woman die in his arms after a car accident.
From what he told me, she (the driver) and a friend were driving a convertible to Daytona from Orlando (both were from some state up north, here for spring break/Bike Week), travelling I-4 at a high rate of speed when the car flipped several times, pinning the woman under the car (the friend was buckled in and upside-down, the driver was not). He was pulling the driver free while others were lifting the car off her when she succumbed to her injuries - massive head and torso trauma and internal bleeding, as the police told him later. He said she was conscious right to the end.
(sidenote) He did get a letter from the driver’s parents thanking him for trying to help. Evidently, she left a 6-month old baby (was staying with her parents while she and the friend went to Florida). And alcohol was as factor in the accident.
I had a “wonderful” experience with my father-in-law, much like the OP’s. When it’s expected it seems to be a bit better, i guess. Hospice is a wonderful thing!
When I was in high school, I watched a 7th grader get run over by a bus. He walked in front of it right as it was taking off. My first thought was “woah, some kid’s gonna be pissed when he finds out his book bag was run over.” Then I realized that he was still wearing the book bag. I felt kind of guilty having thought that. He died almost instantly, but he was quite crushed and bent. The tires didn’t go ovre him, he was just folded up under the bus. Nobody knew what to do. Eventually, (3-2 min later) a teacher covered his upper body with her sweater. Still affects me to think about it.
screech-owl’s post is similar to what happened to me and my girlfriend in 1997; I watched her die after a car accident. It was not wonderful. But then, what sudden traumatic death is …
This very different, but I work next to a parking structure and twice in the last four years someone has jumped to their death from it. All visible from my window. The last one was last week, and I was surprised how much it bothered me–didn’t know the person.
I will probably offend people for even bringing pets up into a people thread–but I have been given the choice to be there or not when a pet was put down. I knew it would be awful to be there, but more awful to not be there. When they go peacefully, there is something really reassuring about it. Of course I bawled my eyes out.
My Mom died in almost the exact scenario that you described. (it was really eerie reading your post) Cancer was the cause.
She called us into the room, anouncing it was ‘time’. We (my bro, her parents and sister) were all gathered around her bed, holding hands as her breathing slowed. It was a very profound, serene moment. Until my mom popped her eyes open and irritably reprimanded us, “You can’t rush this, you know!”
She died a few days later, in my arms. 3 years ago, August.
I agree with not missing something like this. It is extraordinarily painful, but the profound trauma of the moment somehow helped me deal with it… much better than if I’d gotten a phone call informing me of her death.
I worked on a Hospice floor for 10 years and have seen many people die. In some cases it was a very peaceful transition and in others it was pure hell. It is always worse with young parents and teenagers who are only beginning to live.
When death is expected it is always easier. But every death is difficult in one way or another.
Some of you already know this but…Five years ago I was crossing a street with a friend of mine. Just before reaching the curb, a driver drag racing with his buddy overcame us. She (Janelle) was struck by the car. I was at her side almost immediately. I told her, “Janelle, honey I know it hurts and you are scared, but I’m here. Don’t worry I’ll take care of everything. I won’t let you go. You are not alone, I love you.” Her heartbeat stopped as soon as I was finished. I performed CPR and mouth to mouth and got the beat back but she never woke up and was declared brain dead at the hospital. I still have trouble thinking about it.It so easily could have been both of us. I am not really grateful that I was there to see it, it was terrible and traumatic and caused many, many problems for me, but I’m glad she didn’t die alone.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done is watch my first daughter die. She was born with an ‘Aneurysm of the Vein of Galen’. She was born in St. Louis and within hours of her birth, she was on a helicopter to Memphis. Calming her mother down was nothing short of heroic.
Her name was Maia.
Her heart had grown to huge proportions because of the extra work it had to do pumping blood thru useless veins and arteries through her brain. The doctors tried numerous drugs to help her body fight and win. To no avail.
They tried a risky operation in which they put tiny springlike devices into the Vein of Galen trying to slow the flow of blood thereby easing the stress of her heart.
The doctors told us that the operation had gone fine and we could relax for the night. We took the liberty of going to a restaurant where we could unwind and relax. We'd been in the hospital for 10 days and hadn't left. Just as dinner arrived, I received an emergency phone call from the hospital and was told to hurry to the ICU. As I arrived, the doctor told me that my daughters condition was declining quickly. They asked for my permission to take her off of the machines so she could die in peace.
I gave it. As soon as they took her off of the machines, they handed her to me while she was still alive. She died less than 3 minutes later in my arms with blood flowing from her ears and a look on her face that I'll never forget. I cried that day and I haven't cried since. Nothing can equal that pain to me. It was 08-25-94.
I've finally delved into writing poetry again though. It's something I haven't been able to do either. I have to admit I'm not as good as I was, but I've found a beautiful woman that makes it feel alright again.
Wow, I haven't been there in years. That part of my mind is kind of closed.
My experience wasn’t with a person, but a beloved pet. A young female kitten named “Gelfling”. This was summer of '98, I was living with my SO in her older apartment, the kind with the big giant heavy wooden front windows. The window was propped up with a small 2x4. She always sat in the window and watched the cars, people and birds go by. I sat across the room and watched in horror as the 2x4 quickly slipped away, the window crashing down on her. She sustained a massive head injury. It was absolutely the most horrible thing I’ve ever witness. As I called the emergency vet, she actually tried to walk towards me, but wasn’t quite able. My heart sinks deep now, just thinking about it. I put her in a box and rushed her to the emergency vet…she slipped into a coma on the way. After a few minutes, the vet came out to tell me that the head injury was so severe, there was no chance of recovery. She invited me back to be with her, when she put her down.
Oh, I’m sad now…this is still really traumatic for me. maybe I shouldn’t have posted…
When I was about 8 we(my brothers and sister) were sitting on the roof over our porch keeping cool(it was about 9pm and the temp was near 100) and talking to the kids down the street. There was a record store diagonally across the street from our house.
These three guys came out and two were beating up this other guy. Then one guy pulled out a gun and shot this other guy (the one being beaten up). They ran off, and the guy just laid there not moving. It was shocking, we lived in a pretty good neighborhood (for Detroit) and I don’t even think I had seen someone shot on TV before, as this was the mid 70s. My sister wouldn’t stop crying and I think it was the first time I stayed up past 11, not counting Xmas eves.
We all gave these statements to the police, but I don’t think they were caught. Hell at least 20 people saw it but we were all kids. I remember for weeks when we walked to school, we’d all get silent and cross the street before we passed the place.
As a former nurse I’ve seen other people die, but this one all ways stuck with me.
But I did see a body “uncovered” one time, when I was six years old.
A kid from my community was missing. He had just been to visit his aunt or grandmother (on foot) and had not returned for a while. His parents had called and the response was “He left hours ago.”
And a pond was located between the two houses. That caused a lot of concern. I don’t remember what kind of “emergency services” were available in the mid-60s, especially in this extremely rural area of Dixie, but I remember my father taking me to the pond where a lot of other concerned people had gathered, hoping that “nothing” would be found.
Turned out not to be the case.
I was there when they dragged his body out. He had fallen into the deep part.
For those unfamiliar with pond construction, you start with a natural depression (at least it helps), and you scoop up earth to dam it up. That’s where the deep water is, of course. That’s where people typically fall in, since that’s the only place where the water is deep at the edge, and that’s where this kid was found.
{{{{{{Cobravert}}}}}} I am so sorry to hear about Maia. I lost my son a few months after that. He died in my arms, as well.
I don’t know if you’ve read The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, but the experience of holding my dead son is the closest I’ve ever come to the Total Perspective Vortex. That is not a happy feeling.
I was the first on the scene to a major car wreck at 11pm. At first I only noticed a car in the middle of the intersection all banged up…I looked for the other one (there HAD to be another one somewhere) and off to the side of the road was a twisted piece of metal wrapped around a tree. And I mean wrapped. The front and rear bumpers were touching. I ran up to the car and saw someone’s head and arms trapped in the metal. his head was noticably crushed and as I looked at his face, he blinked twice. Then no more.
They were 4 kids who had stolen an uncle’s Malibu (the oldest was 15) and taken it joy-riding around Denver. They were doing an estimated 110 mph on Alameda when the a light turned red. Instead of stopping, the driver went through and hit an oncoming car making a left turn into the parking lot of a shopping mall. They careened off and hit a small tree sideways. It took 6 hours to cut the bodies out of the wreckage.
When I ran up to the car in the intersection the driver was dazed but alive.
These are some amazing stories, and I’m impressed at the courage of some people to recall and tell them.
Stoidela, I feel very badly for you for losing your sister (and obviously for your sister herself), but I really respect your sister’s decision. I pray that if the time ever comes that I’m forced to make that kind of decision for myself, that I’ll have that same courage and be able to go out peacefully.
My first death was while I was in the military (some may have heard this before): an Air Force lady (single) had a Japanese nanny, who didn’t think the mother was paying enough attention to the child, so she started putting salt in her formula to make her sick so the mother would pay attention to her. The baby’s brain basically dehydrated (or that’s how they explained it to me at the time) - salt poisoning. I’m sure it was a little more detailed than that but she started having seizures and we did CPR and everything to no avail. The whole ICU was crying over this one.
About as Close as I ever came was when my best friend and roommate shot himself. I came home from a poetry reading, opened the door and found him laying in the middle of a pool of goo that used to be the inside of his head choking on his own blood. He was still breathing, sort of, but his brain was all over my kitchen floor so I guess he wasn’t really still alive. I sat with him until help arrived, and then after someone else showed to take over, I really lost it. For a couple of months. He had just broken up with his girlfriend, who was white and her parents wouldn’t let her date a black guy. He had no money, no job, and not much hope of getting either, and I guess just couldn’t take it any more. I miss him terribly, even after 10 years or so.
That was at a particularly low point in my life, the girl I was dating had just dumped me, this happened, and then the local police gang unit decided to arrest me for a crime I didn’t commit (they arbitrarily decided that I was in a gang, though I never found out what gang it was), and due to that I lost my job, my home (I did security in exchange for rent, and lost my license to do security due to being arrested for a felony)… a real bummer of a month.
