i was at mass on easter sunday, the first time in a long time. I went because my whole family was going. My mind wandered during the service, as it always did, and while listening to the homily the saddest thing popped into my head.
The celebrant was speaking about how amazingly and infinitely loving god must be, that we reject him but he still loves us; that we sin but he still loves us; that we killed his only son our lord, but he still loves us. The preacher expressed his surprise at how beyond a human capacity for understanding that is. God loves us no matter what was his refrain.
What if at some point, god threw up his hands in despair. This most perfect of his creations, made in his own divine image, singularly blessed among all his creations with free will, had disappointed him yet again. When he came down here to try and spread his message to his beloved children, we KILLED HIM. God is disgusted with us once and for all and abandons us to the void of oblivion.
And now the people back here on earth, who had enjoyed true communication with thier uber-father, and had felt his magnificent presence through grace and miracles and intervention, were left crying out to the silence. Those who had known him most intimately in his human incarnation still vividly remember the joy and rapture of communing with god directly. The zeal and fervor inspired them to keep spreading the word of jesus, keep trying to get man to love his fellow neighbor. Having known god so intimately, they felt that everything that happened had to be part of his plan.
But it wasn’t part of the plan for him to be betrayed. It wasn’t part of the plan for jesus to be rejected by his own folk and family. It definitely not part of the plan for his precious son to be hung on a cross and left to die in complete torment. However, in perhaps the greatest show of deutero-canonical denial, they convinced themselves that scripture had in fact prophesied all of that, that everything was still going according to plan.
The moment that jesus cried out “eli, eli, lama sabachtani” (sp?) was the precise moment that god cashed in his chips and called it quits.
So now we have no god, truly and deeply. The worst part is, there’s no way to tell if that’s true or not. To us, it looks exactly the same if he’s influencing and supervising, and if he’s not there at all.
Pretty dark, huh? It all flashed trough my head before the fella finished the sermon. Incredibly saddened, but also wondering what woud be worse. Be agnostic and right, or believe that god has abandoned us and be right.