Everything I learned from Civil War movies

Cafe Society
1

I’ve been watching a DVD of the old North and South miniseries, and I realized, I’ve seen a lot of Civil War movies, and I think I’ve learned enough from them that I’m not an expert on the Civil War. Here’s some of the stuff I’ve learned:

  1. Nobody in the South actually liked slavery, even the people who owned slaves. Whenever any Southerner was asked why he was fighting for the Confederacy, he would start off by saying, “You know I think slavery is wrong, but…”

  2. Actually, there was, in every southern community, one person who supported slavery. In fact, he was the community’s straightout racist. He also was usually a misogynist (unless it was a woman, and in her case, she was hypersexual and maniulative), and usually got killed when her schemes backfired.

  3. Abraham Lincoln always talked in speeches about how the Union had to be preserved and the slaves should be freed. You’d ask the guy how the weather was, and he’d give you a five minute speech about how it was up to him to preserve the Union and save democracy.

  4. Every southerner had a northern friend, and every northerner had a southern friend. They would inevitably meet on the field of battle and one would save the other.

  5. Robert E. Lee was born with grey hair and a thick, grey beard. He had it at the end of the war, he had it at the beginning of the war, he had it before the war started. He just always had it.

  6. Robert E. Lee was the only general the South had, except maybe for Jeb Stuart and Stonewall Jackson. He was also the only general in the entire war who was any good. Stonewall Jackson was good, too, but he got killed, and Jeb Stuart could have been good, but he was too hot headed and showy.

  7. The war only happened in Virginia (except for Gettsburg). The only thing that didn’t happen in Virginia was the burning of Atlanta, and I’m sure that wouldn’t have happened if Robert E. Lee were there.

2

It was only in photographs preserved for posterity that many of the key players had greasy uncombed hair. Normally, they sported impressive coifs and mullets which predated the 1980s by 120 years.

Like Lincoln, R. E. Lee often launched into extemporaneous speeches (hell, some of the better films are guilty of having him do this).

3

Many of the major battles of the civil war were fought in slow motion and complete silence. Because they looked more dramatic that way.

4

Virtually every battle had a cavalry charge, and in virtually every cavalry charge someone important was shot dramatically from his horse.

Senior officers routinely had portentous conversations right in the middle of battles, during which everyone else quieted down so that they could hear one another.

Most Southerners had jovial relations with the slaves or free blacks they knew.

Horses and cows always died instantly and silently.

No one ever had to relieve himself during the entire war.

No one ever ran out of ammunition.

There were no navies, or naval battles other than that between the Monitor and the Merrimac.

Jefferson Davis was never seen in public.

Confederate troops were particularly well-fed, and quite a few were even plump.

Every regiment had a designated harmonica player for whenever the campfire was burning.

Everyone had an excellent dental plan and a full set of pearly whites.

5

So you guys think John Huston’s Red Badge of Courage was a pretty good Civil War movie? I’d think a guy with a head wound terrified of being run over by an ammuniton limber a more realistic touch than, say, Shirley Temple dancing with Bill Bojangles Robinson.

6

In the movies, nobody ever hauls cases of ammunition or barrels of powder to the front lines - they simply have it in their pouches.

All Union soldiers wore blue.

Civil war cannons have no recoil.

All civil war cannons fire explosive shells.

Explosive shells seemed also to be filled with gasoline to get those flaming explosions.

The same cannons never seem to have to be elevated or depressed to change the range.

Even when there is smoke on the battlefield, there is seldom a lot. (Those Civil War cannons were fantastic!)

Horses pulled everything - not mules, never oxen.

The same horses were always well fed and impeccably groomed.

The south had only plantations or hardscrabble farms - nothing in between.

Every briefing is a model of simplicity and clarity, lasting no longer than one minute, no detailed maps, discussion of the terrain, assignments, or battle orders, no details other than maybe the name of the opposing regiment, their location (“they’re here”) and with no questions other than something like “isn’t that a dangerous plan?”

Units might be disoriented, but never simply lost, confused and going in the wrong direction.

Every front line Civil War officer is stone cold sober at all times, unless it is Grant, who is then only referred to as having been drinking at some point or another.

There was virtually no paperwork in the Civil War.

Soldiers carried a rifle and maybe a canteen. If Southern, maybe a blanket roll. Never a pack.

Latrines are invisible.

7

And all Confederate soldiers wore gray uniforms (never civilian rags).

8

No one ever has to scratch, because the wool uniforms never itched, and no one had lice.

No one had dystentery, either. That’s why the latrines are invisible–no one needed them.

Scarlett O’Hara’s first husband was the only person in the whole war who died of disease.

9

At night, before and after battles, the soldiers sang with each other across the front lines.

Everyone had excellent shoes.

10

On 30 June 1863, Lee and Meade both knew Gettysburg would be the decisive battle of the Mid-Atlantic theater, and with it the entire war.

11

And never, ever, ever, did anyone just say “Ah, fuck it”, and go home to momma and the kids.

12

No officer ever lost his nerve under fire.

If a soldier had a book concealed anywhere on his person, it would one day stop a bullet for him. Bullets were magically drawn to paper.

No one was ever blown apart by a projectile. At most, a soldier might have been thrown off his feet.

Despite all the people being shot up, the battlefield remained entirely free of blood. No one ever slipped and fell in the blood and gore of the battlefield.

If a farmer’s horse or cattle were stolen and his house looted, Union foragers were always the culprits. Never Confederate guerrillas.

All Southerners supported the Confederacy. There were no Union supporters. Nor did Confederate home guard units and guerrillas harass and steal from said non-existent Union supporters.

All Confederate soldiers and Southern belles spoke in some horrible mush-mouthed accent, not identifiable with any accent which might be heard from an actual Southerner today.

All plantation owners lived in enormous neoclassical mansions. None lived in plain clapboard houses or log homes.

No soldier of either side neglected shaving and grew a long beard during the course of the war. Either you entered the war with a full beard, or you remained clean-shaven for the duration.

13

Meade? Who’s this Meade you’re referring to? Everyone knows that there were only two generals in the war; Lee commanded all the Confederate forces and Grant commanded all the Union forces.

14

They DRANK meade, and many of them couldn’t spell.

15

The Civil War was originally known as the Clone War because the Union was headed by Grant clones and the Confederacy was headed by Lee clones.

16

Nonsense. Sherman also commanded Union forces. Maybe not in any battles, but he did march through Georgia.

17

Colt 1873s and Winchester 1873s or 1892s were in common use during the Civil War.

18

The majority of military casualties were from battle, not disease.
There weren’t any hungry refugees.
The Union in large part won by clever strategem and maneuver on the battlefield, rather than burning civilians out of their homes and destroying all they had to eat.
Everbody was a-whoopin’ and a-hollerin’.

19

In all fairness, ISTR that spelling wasn’t standardised until the late 19th or early 20th century.

20

Apparently, in Civil War movies Noah Webster did not publish his dictionary that standardized American spelling in 1828.

Lincoln did nothing in the war except stand and read telegrams from the front.

Except when he went to Gettysburg and made a great speech in his deep baritone voice that the entire crowd could hear perfectly.