Thanks again to everybody. Some more good suggestions there. I went to Barnes & Noble looking for a kids book on death. I found one and it depressed me! So I probably won’t go that route.
We won’t be taking him to the funeral (which won’t be open casket anyway); he’ll stay home with my brother’s girlfriend.
Regarding the “sleep” angle, my father told me that when I was about 8, the mother of a kid in my class died. The teacher, trying to explain to us what had happened, said she went to sleep and didn’t get up. My father said I was terrified to go to sleep, which had never been a problem before. Since they didn’t know what the teacher had said, they didn’t know what was going on 'til I mentioned it to somebody (he thinks it was a babysitter). So I definitely won’t mention the sleep thing!
My son now knows that his great grandfather is very sick. But that’s about it. We’ll see.
By a wierd coincidence, I stumbled across this quote. So if you’re willing to indulge in a little levity:
“Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.” - P. J. O’Rourke
Anyways, brilliant advice given in this thread. I may well print it out and keep a copy for some future point when I have to explain death to some future child of mine…
Well, my grandfather died this morning (I was supposed to be on a plane to see him this afternoon), so I thought I’d let everybody know how it went.
I sat him down with me and talked about how I was going to go visit great grandpa because he was very sick. Then I told him I wouldn’t be going because great grandpa died. I asked if he knew what that meant, and he said he didn’t (which I was a little surprised at, since he knows that bugs die when you squish 'em). I told him it meant that we wouldn’t ever be able to see him or talk to him again. He asked if he’d still see grandma and papa and I said he would. Then he grabbed the TV remote control and turned on the TV. I’m thinking, “I worried about it for this?” He hasn’t said anything about it since. < shrug >
I’m so sorry for your loss David. It sounds like it went well with your son, but remember that kids, like us, need time to digest things and altho it doesnt sound like he will have a hard time with it, he will probably have some questions for you in the next while.
You handled it superbly! Take Care and keep your grandfather’s memories close to your heart.
We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another
I second everything CanadianSue said above. It wouldn’t be surprising if your son touches on the subject again or even asks when he will see your grandfather again. This is obviously a deep issue and it takes time for the finality of it to filter through a toddler’s worldview.
Oh David, I’m so sorry. It’s a sad thing when someone we love and who has loved us leaves us. And yet, I envy you that you knew your grandfather into adulthood; all my grandparents were dead before I was born.
I am sure your son doesn’t really quite get it yet – do expect more questions.
I wish there was something I could say to make it better. You are in our thoughts.
Sounds like your son is coping OK… He is dealing with it though, just in ways we adults can’t understand. Out of the blue in a few weeks, he’s likely to blow you away with some question about this.
Sue from El Paso
Siamese Attack Puppet - Texas
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
David, I’m so sorry. But I think it was really important that you were able to tell him in a calm manner. My grandmother died suddenly when I was maybe 3 or 4 and I was in the same room as my mom when she found out. She was talking on the phone to my grandfather and for some reason he kept dragging out the call and my mom finally got him to say goodbye and he called back like 5 minutes later and she said impatiently: “What is it, Dad?” And he told her something like: “I’m sorry but your mother had a heart attack today and she’s passed away.” One minute I was playing with my Fisher-Price people and all of a sudden my mother wails “Oh, Daddy, no!” and starts sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t remember how the death was explained to me later but I will remember how upsetting it was to see my mother so distraught like that. I remember patting her and saying “It’ll be ok, Mommy.” like she did when I would cry, but when she started crying harder I freaked out and started crying myself. I was so relieved when my mom was over the worst of her grieving that I don’t think I even had the energy to be sad about Grandma. We lived too far away to visit much and so I don’t even have very many memories of her…I think someone else mentioned a relative dying when they were very young and you tend to think of them as always having been dead and it’s not so traumatic. I think it’s hardest when you’re an adult and you have so many memories of someone to deal with.
Well, I’m back from Chicago (where the funeral was and the vast majority of my family live). Thanks again to everybody for your thoughts.
Through everything, my son never brought up the death issue. I thought he was going to when, at one point, he was asking my mother about the people in photos on the wall, including my grandfather who just died. But he didn’t even bat an eye. I dunno.
We didn’t take him to the funeral – it was a graveside service in less than 30-degree weather (and the Rabbi was about a half hour late!), and we wouldn’t have brought him even if it was a beautiful summer day.
My father brought home a booklet for kids and a parent’s guide given to him by the hospice where my grandfather died. They deal with the subject pretty well. It is called “When Death Happens” by Jim & Joan Boulden. If you want a free catalog of other Boulden publications (and I imagine if you wanted to order a copy of this one), you can call 800-238-8433. I’m saving it just in case he suddenly asks about his great grandpa in a few weeks or something.
I’m still catching up on stuff around here, so I won’t be quite as frequent a poster for a little bit. But I’ll be around. See ya!