Someone on Facebook was recently lamenting that people should not be quick to send condolences via Facebook feeds because sometimes that is how the person who lost someone learns of the death! She went on to say that it is somewhat tacky in the first place to even send condolences via that avenue in the first place.
Further, when people do see the news of the death, and have questions, they ask. Right there on the feed. Another instance of tackiness. (I may or may not be guilty of that one.) Today, I saw someone announce the loss of a loved one and someone replied, “Sorry for your lost.” To me, that shows lack of respect. Can they not even take the time to carefully word and check what they have written in their “meaningful” condolence?? Oh, what is this world coming to? :smack:
Feel free to comment on the above and/or share other tacky stories.
I agree about inadvertently shocking someone who was unaware of the death. I think it’s very risky to post death notices on Facebook.
As for sending condolences, if someone posts about a death, I presume they would want a response. If I’m close to them, I’m going to personally get in touch with them. If I’m not close to them, my words will suffice.
My mother in law is terrible about this, but she’ll do it through e-mail. She’ll send an e-mail to my husband that says, ‘‘your grandmother is dying,’’ and I don’t understand why it’s so hard to pick up the damned phone.
Of my couple hundred friends on Facebook, a small handful are actual close friends. Those actual close friends? If something horrible happens, I’ll drive my ass over to them or at least pick up the phone, because they are people close to me and very important.
The girl I went to high school with but barely talked to then and almost never talk to now? I’ll share some kind words or whatever right there, but I don’t really know her and am not going well out of my way to go through a formal Victorian mourning period for her.
Beyond that: if someone posts about a death or something awful on Facebook, then I think responding on Facebook is appropriate. Frankly, you probably shouldn’t be announcing grandma’s death on your wall, but I assume you’ve got your reasons for that.
For me, when my dad was dying, there were just so many people to update, family members who cared, but weren’t “close”, real life friends, internet friends, it was just easier to keep people updated using Facebook. That way I wasn’t having to call, text, email, all these people during a time I would rather be spending with him and my immediate family. I didn’t really care who replied or didn’t, but it was comforting to read the condolences. Even the people who simply replied, “I’m sorry for your loss”, at least they took a moment to say something.
In the case I mentioned, I believe it was about an old friend’s death. Very unexpected. I guess it kind of goes along the same lines as when police do not release names to the media pending notification of the next of kin/loved ones. Who wants to open Facebook or turn on the tv and find out your good friend Martha who you’ve known for years died of a drug overdose?! As opposed to a mutual good friend contacting you in person or by phone to tell you.
I myself was a little upset when my nephew texted me to tell me my mom died, because I wasn’t answering my phone. (I was asleep). It’s like wow, really?
I’ve been surprised at seeing posts about deaths on FB, but it’s no different from reading the obits in the newspaper.
I wouldn’t go to someone’s wall and post a condolence message, but if the bereaved has already shared the info, I will assume that condolences would be appreciated, or they wouldn’t have shared.
It’s not possible to personally notify every friend and relative when someone dies. No matter how the news gets out, it’s likely to be a shock.
It’s too bad you got the news about your mom via a text though.
When I was with my ex-wife her grandfather passed away. He’d been very sick for a while and fought (and was shot in) both world wars and had been sick since the first day I met him. His cancer hadn’t been diagnosed then but he was very ill-looking and so I guessed their love for him and his dislike of doctors acted as a screen for how he actually was. His death wasn’t a complete surprise to me, but it was a tragedy to them as he was The Godfather of the whole family in a very close-knit unit.
After finding out, when I was at work, I went to my wife’s cousin’s flower shop to buy an arrangement and, during our discussion, I realized she didn’t know. I instinctively lied and wrote on the card ‘Best Wishes’ and then left the store ASAP. We weren’t that close, although she was my wife’s cousin and they were the same age and almost like sisters.
If she had been my own cousin, nephew, niece, uncle, aunt etc I’d have told her personally and being outside their close family I thought that was the best way to let her know. I certainly wouldn’t post it online; how tactless can you be?
In the end he stored the opioids rather than live pain-free and then took all of them when he chose, in his own bed in his marital home, after 70+ years of marriage. He grew up in different times.
Of course if someone very close to you dies, you’d want to be told personally, not via Facebook, TV, an obituary, etc., but I don’t know if text is so much worse than a phone call or personal visit. Maybe the person texting is too upset to call or try to have a conversation, but wants to make sure that you get the news from them before you find out second hand.
I don’t know anyone who directly posts anything on someone else’s wall. (I had just to go check to see if it was still possible.) So the only way this can come up is if the person already posted about the death on Facebook. And, if they have, I assume that everyone who needs to be told in person has been. At the very least, anyone who needs to know will be informed by the original post, not the condolences.
Otherwise, I’d expect it to be sent by message, directly to the right person, which is fine. Unless you guys are saying that some people will just put their condolences in their status, broadcasting it to everyone. Of course that’s tactless–condolences are not a contest to see who is the saddest.
When my brother in law died, I did the announcement on Facebook. I knew that my few friends and relatives in common would pick it up and pass it along - that my husband’s cousin would pick up the phone when she saw it and call her Dad.
He had terminal cancer. Things at the end were changing hour by hour. We had several hundred people who were all “concerned” - his close family and friends were at hospice (or earlier had been at the hospital), or had at least been coming and going over the previous days. And when he passed I had a distraught husband, a distraught mother in law, and my responsibility was for funeral arrangements that hadn’t been made (with my mother in laws unrealistic expectations of what would happen) and communication. I hadn’t slept in three nights. Damn, yes, facebook. It was that or you can find out some other time.
(And if you have terminal cancer - make goddamn funeral arrangements and don’t leave your sister in law guessing - it might also be helpful to leave a list of people who should be informed and maybe get some of your affairs in order - like a will - before you die. Its been a year and a half and I’m still dealing with things he didn’t do because he didn’t want to face his death. )
For acquaintances or distant relatives it really isn’t a problem. The problem arises because a percentage of people always want to be the first to break the news to the world. Its usually someone not even closely related. Its been a big problem with units overseas. They try to have a communications black out until the family is notified but it often doesn’t work. Joe in Afghanistan rushes to send word back to his girlfriend who then blabs it all over the unit’s facebook page or starts calling all the other spouses. When the military arrives in person for the notification they come with support personnel. Here is one example.
If Idiocracy was written a few years later than it was, a great addition would be the offering of honest sympathies with the phrase “I am truley sorry for your lots.”
That isn’t a facebook problem - that is a basic etiquette problem that is made worse by facebook. If Joe in Afganistan didn’t have facebook, he’d call everyone he knows and it would take longer, but the news might still reach the family before the support personnel do.
When I’m informing the world about my brother in law’s death via facebook, I’m doing so at the request of the deceased’s mother and brother. I have every right, according to etiquette, to announce the death. Since those that needed a personal touch were present at the death, facebook was an appropriate venue to announce to the rest of the world. The information was mine to share. If my husband were to (God forbid) die in a car accident this afternoon, before I post that to Facebook I would make sure to call his mother and mine and our children. After that, hey, everyone who has the RIGHT to a personal phone call from the grieving widow is done. (I suppose I should call his father - but lacking a phone number for his father, his father might be stuck finding out via facebook). Then the battle becomes “can I call a friend and depend on the phone tree to take care of it - because our friends don’t scan the obits” or “do I post on Facebook because that way I know people will find out in time to attend the wake.” In this day and age, I’m going for the second. People need to find out as soon as they can to book plane tickets and make arrangements for a funeral that happens just a few days after the death.
When Joe in Afganistan posts on Facebook, he does not have permission (we’d assume) from the deceased, nor the next of kin of the deceased. Nor does he have permission from the chain of command to do so. The information is not his to share, whatever the medium in question is, until the immediate family is aware.
I see nothing wrong with the family announcing a death via Facebook once everyone they deem should know in a more personal manner already knows. Its just a targeted obituary.
What I do have a problem with is when someone outside of the immediate family rushes to post the news so they can be first. Some people have the need to be the center of attention.
We agree there, but once the family has announced the death via Facebook - or any other method - it isn’t tacky to send condolences via Facebook - they were very much appreciated - a year and a half later, my mother in law still revisits those.
It would be great if everyone got out their black bordered stationary (you have some, right?) and wrote an appropriate letter of condolence that spoke of the writers admiration of the deceased, shared a fond memory, and closed with how much he would be missed by his many, many friends. But, frankly, that got replaced by a Hallmark card and that is getting replaced by "I’m so sorry for your loss (or lost :)) on the internet.
And if you are finding out about the loss via Facebook, give the family a break. The immediate family may not have the time or frankly the will to make a personal call to everyone - in fact - I doubt they ever do. You depend on obits and word of mouth in these situations - and word of mouth now includes Facebook.