Just a short notice: This rant deals with fanfiction, which is stories written about TV shows, movies, books etc. by the fans. It only deals with one section of fanfics and one type of writer. There are others that desperately need a verbal bitch slapping, but it would take all night to get to those. This shouldn’t contain any spoilers if you’ve read the first book of Lord of the Rings or seen the Fellowship of the Ring movie.
I had heard rumors of a shadow growing in the lands of fanfiction.net, and that an ancient evil had been unleashed upon Tolkien’s works. I never knew how truly horrible it would be, as the creature called Mary Sue shows her face in almost every place there is fanfics. I went last night to check it out, and it was much more devastating than I could have ever imagined.
For the uneducated, Mary Sues are where the author includes herself (or himself, but girls are more likely) in the story, often doing so to further her romantic fantasy that often includes one of the original characters. This is also called self insertion, but Mary Sues are more involved in romance.
A Mary Sue author is usually in her preteens to early teenage years. They’re often the mark of an amateur writer. I understand that some people make new characters and that some are successful about keeping them from transforming into Mary Sue, but most original characters end up overshadowing and even taking the place of main characters.
So I went to look and see if it was true. How wrong I was in thinking it was only a few that were infected. I couldn’t find one original fic that wasn’t either a crappy parody or a Mary Sue. It made me horrified at first. I’ve opened up a few of them, and found the two most common victims are either Boromir or Legolas.
The girls who write Boromir Mary Sue have angel complexes. They look at him and say, “Oh, how sad! He died because he wanted to save his people. If only he hadn’t the Fellowship would still be together.” This train of thought leads to this one: “If I was in the Fellowship, I would have prevented it from breaking. And he would have fallen in love with me because I’m so cute and smart and strong!”
Look, kid, Boromir is not supposed to be a smitten fool. And why the HELL are you an elf? Your character’s a mockery of the species. His death and the breaking are major turning points in the story. Have you even thought about other things that will be affected by this, such as the people of Rohan, Gollum, the ents, and the witch king? Do you even know what those are? No? Then why are you writing this dribble. Pick up the books and read them if you’re going to entirely change the events of the story. Otherwise, it leaves way too many untied ends and plot holes.
I’m pretty sure the Legolas Mary Sue are even worse, if just for the sheer number of them. (And how come she’s a human now? She was an elf with Boromir.) Oh, how silly of me, you’re a girl from modern day earth that was magically tossed back in time because of her grandmother’s locket, and you’ve somehow defied all laws of physics and reason in the process. Then would you explain to me why, in less than two hours, a 2,000-year-old elf fell in love with a human that sounds like she has brain damage? “It’s just like Romeo and Juliet!” No it’s not. “Love transcends all species!” Then buy yourself a goat. I hear they make wonderful companions.
The girls who write Boromir Mary Sue don’t want love, they want to be his Jesus.
The girl’s who write Legolas Mary Sue don’t want love, they want a dog.
There are other romances, of course, but since these two are single and human height, they seem to be the most common targets.
And why do most of them start in the council of Elrond? Is it just easier on your puny little brains? Are you not creative enough to even think of how they got there in the first place? Are you saying she’s Elrond’s daughter now? If you’re going to say that, you need to pick up the Silmarillion. No excuses, just pick it up and read the goddamned book. Or even cliff notes, I’d settle for those at least. And when there’s the tenth member of the Fellowship, it totally fucks with the significance of the numbers. Nine Walkers against Nine Riders. Nine, not ten. And don’t even talk to me about the fics where there’s a tenth rider.
No, please don’t start singing. Please stop. Stop! Stop it, you asshat! Would you explain to me what the Backstreet Boys are doing in Middle Earth?
That’s not how you draw a bow. The string doesn’t go past your head, honey. It stays near your face, where you can see it. And if you say it’s that heavy a pull, it will rip your ear off when you let go. If you’re going to get technical, make sure you use the right terms. Trust me, all the other archers are laughing at you. (And by the way, 300 lb pull is physically impossible unless you’ve magically become a walking, talking testosterone pill.)
I especially hate it when they use Japanese, but the absolute worst is when the oh so beautiful and smart heroine rescues Gandalf. I just won’t go into how wrong that is.
Tolkien must be spinning in his grave.
When I read the following exceprts, they made me cry:
"Boromir looked up and allowed his eyes to widen, there in front of him stood Aria, second daughter of elrind, with her softly curling black hair, soft as midnight, that fell befow her waist, and mysterious violet and silver eyes,"
Second daughter of Elrind. Violet and silver eyes.
The Princess-Assassin smiled more, "I come to keep the Sprites, the lower Elementals, from hurting you. They are Immortal and as such cannot be hurt except by an Immortal."
Immortal Princess-Assasin who can’t be killed except by other sprites/elementals. Nope, no trace of Sueism here.
… flashed a look at him again, eyes dark again. The dark eyes that flashed at him seemed to send out faint ripples of darkness, for all near the girl appeared, to Legolas’ eyes, to darken.
How very dark.
She could fight with sword and dagger, She was a master at archery, acrobatics, and Art such as sculpting with clay, carving wood and stone, oil paints and pencils, oil pastels and charcoal. Kero loved to dance in the small forest near her home where she road her white hoarse Nightingale.
This is only one example from the story. The writer spends the entire first chapter just describing how perfect and wonderful her character is (1,305 words) and how she’s rejected by all her other classmates. Boo hoo. This is a perfect example of Mary Sueism, and the author should be burned at the stake.
