Fathers and daughters

In My Humble Opinion
1

Especially fathers of teenage daughters.

Ivylad and I have two children. Our son is off at college, and our daughter is almost 16. Now, I get a bit miffed at my husband for giving my son “advice” on how to get over his first girlfriend (it involves whispering in his ear, to which my son blushes and guffaws, so I can guess what the advice is) but when I call him on whether or not he would extend the same advice to our daughter, it’s not only No, but Hell No. He freely admits this is a double standard.

I’ve heard it said that fathers are protective of their daughters because they have first hand knowledge of what teenage boys are like. Granted, Ivylad was, how shall I say this, a bit of a player back in the day. To quote Jeff Foxworthy, his plan was to “Date date date date date date die!” until I came along and threw a wrench in his plans. When Rondell Sheridan described falling in love for a man is like stepping in a pile of dog poo (Ooooohhhh…you got* love* all over you! What? Oh, man…) Ivylad fell on the floor screaming with laughter. I guess that’s what it was like for him.

So, how are protective are you Doper Dads of your teenage daughters? Is it bluff, in an attempt to keep the boy from even thinking about going there? Do you find you are less protective if you grew up a “nerd” vs a “jock”? If your daughters are not yet teenagers, do you find yourself dreading the day she falls for a boy? And if your daughter is married, are you past the Protective Daddy mode?

Please note…I’m not casting aspersions. I think it’s kind of sweet, and I like tweaking Ivylad over his freely admitted double standard.

2

I have 3 daughters - ages 21, 14, and 10. I watch & listen when it comes to being protective. My girls have a pretty good brain in their heads. I think they know enough to listen. I can (and have) stepped in and have hit at least one boy where it hurts - I had a conversation with his parents. I figured they were in a much better position than I was to correct his behavior and I did not have to risk a visit from the police that way.

The oldest daughter has a lot of guy friends now. No one will really go to far messing with her. Some of those guys look far scarier than I do. On the other hand, she also says no one is more scary looking than me when I get angry.

3

My dad, while a real teddy bear, sounds very gruff and intimidating. To my knowledge, he never said or did anything threatening to any of my gentlemen callers, but I suspect his demeanor kept them a bit nervous until they got to know him. I never brought many boys home, and the ones I did were good guys, so they really had nothing to fear.

My father will be in Protective Daddy mode until the day he dies. I’ve been married for five years and out of the house for ten, but when he reads in the paper that they’re predicting snow for my region, he’ll call and warn me not to drive if the weather is bad. :slight_smile: When I was a teenager, it drove me crazy, but now it’s sweet to me that he cares so much.

4

My daughter is only 3, so obviously I’m not anywhere near acceptance of boy anything yet. But alas, someday I fear that the appearance of some slack-jawed lout wholly unworthy of her company will cause me to behave stereotypically. She has two big brothers, as well, whom I also imagine will behave similarly.

I’m sure reality will be more nuanced, or at least I hope so. :o

5

My husband and I have only one child, our daughter. Although she is All Growed Up now (28) and lives halfway across the country, he still worries about her, wants to know what the weather’s gonna be like in her area, and suchlike. Heck, I’m 50, for crying out loud, and MY father still makes sure to know what the weather’s gonna do in my area. I don’t think that dads ever outgrow their protectiveness towards their daughters.

6

Her older brother can also be very protective…Grandma bought her a two piece bathing suit, and while I thought it was appropriate and modest, her brother forbade her from wearing it out in public.

She laughed at him, if I recall. Good thing he’s away at college…he won’t be nearby when she starts dating.

7

I have two daughters that are 5 and 1 1/2. The 5 year old has already had an elaborate wedding ceremony with a dress and everything with her best friend who happens to be a boy. That is fine. However, when she gets to be a teenager, things will certainly change. When we first got our massive fixer-upper house, I got myself a nice machete to cut down the brush and trash plants that were everywhere. Shortly thereafter, we hired a contractor to carefully restore our wide pine floors in the whole house for about $8000.

He violated many laws in spraying lead dust over the entire house and got caught on it. A few days later, he drove up and caught me in the yard cutting down plants with my machete. I walked over to talk with him with my machete in hand. He wanted his last $2000. I hated him by that time but I didn’t even think about what I did next. I just coddled my machete, looked at the blade, felt the edge etc. He kept asking me to put it down and I refused. I wasn’t putting down my prized machete in the dirt. He asked me for the money again and I told him he wasn’t ever getting it. He left without incident and never came back.

I plan to use the same tactics when my daughters are older, Casually scratching my cheek with a pistol would make a good impression. The tried and true machete could be used to cut up pre-date snacks. I will offer the potential suitor any copy of Soldier of Fortune he wants while she is getting ready then we will chat about famous crimes and how you might kill somebody without getting caught and how you might hide such a body. If he is a mechanical type, I might take him into my workshop and show him how a regular table saw is a great way to cut frozen meat.

8

When my daughter was a teenager I was in a panic if she went out with girlfriends, because I was afraid the pheromones would attract every teenage male within 100 miles.

When my sons were teenagers I spent much more time worrying that I’d get a call from the police. Entirely different kinds of panic.

When a friend’s daughter started high school. his wife bought him a baseball bat so he could hold something while his hands were making fists.

9

I have a daughter, 17. She is our oldest child, the other being her brother, 3 years younger. I, like probably a lot of dads, engaged in all the “meet him while cleaning your guns” sorts of conversations with my male friends while she was growing up. I don’t think I ever felt that neccessary unless the boy she was dating really warranted that treatment. My daughter has a good head on her shoulders, we have had a great relationship with her and I trust her for the most part. She’s been seeing a boy for over a year now, and I have to say that I have not had cause to worry overmuch. They have a nice healthy teen relationship, and I’m very happy for them. So far. When the inevitable breakup comes, I will be there with dark chocolate, a box of kleenex and hugs.

FTR, I’m probably a bit intimidating as a dad; former military, martial arts background, etc… . I don’t mind my daughter mentioning that to her boyfriend.

10

The whole stereotypical protective father thing grosses me out a bit. I realize it is all a it of a joke, but I would personally dump any man who needed to be terrified into being nice to me. And I would be insulted my father didn`t trust my judgment in relationships.

My dad is protective of me–but not in some faux-macho way. He helps me with budgets and taxes and gives me advice on things like computer hardware, which he is interested in. Whenever I have a practical problem (as opposed to an emotional problem), he tries his best to fix it up. Its not that he has a problem with saying I love you` but helping out is just one way that he expresses it.

11

I have a daughter, 12, and a son who will be 10 in a week. I am protective of both them for different reasons. He is shy and sweet, and not terribly worldly. He is the awkward kid that uses words his peers don’t understand.

My daughter is very pretty (friends with no agenda have said, “Oh my god she’s beautiful!” if they haven’t seen her in a while). She’s social, but has not shown much interest in affairs of the heart as yet. She started having real school dances this year, in sixth grade. She could be in seventh grade - December birthday, but overseas schools had her way ahead when we moved back to the States when she was five. I didn’t want her to be the young girl around older, predatory adolescent males when she got this age.

She doesn’t have pierced ears, and no phone, which puts her behind her peers, which is fine with me. She doesn’t normally wear makeup, I did buy her some “real” make up and jewelry for Christmas.

After the first school dance, she asked her mother how old she would have to be before she could have a boyfriend. I took her out to dinner, just the two of us, soon after, and used that opportunity to bring up the subject. Was she interested in someone. What did she want? I told her that any boy she wanted to date would have to meet me. When they were old enough to do that, then we’ll discuss it. I am not a bad guy, but can be a bit intimidating when I want to. :slight_smile:

Not sure I’d say I was a player, I’ve never really fit one mold. I dated a lot in school, had a string of girlfriends, was smart and athletic, but not really nerdy after fourth grade or so. That does come into play a bit, but it’s mostly that I want her to know she’s special and she’s in charge. I’d prefer for her to not rush into things that are sexual because that’s what everyone else is doing. Not sure exactly how I’ll deal with it when she’s only 15 or 16 and tells em she’s met 'the One". One thing I’ve always encouraged her to be involved in sports and other pursuits that let her meet a variety of people and also, theoretically, keep her out of more troublesome situations.

I guess in the end I’d feel a bit of a hypocrite to outright forbid stuff that I was into at a fairly young age. But I do want her to have the options and confidence to make the right choices for herself. And some mistakes, I’m sure, but hopefully not something too life shattering (yes, I’m looking at you, Spears girls).

12

I’m in my mid-thirties now and fondly recall my husband telling me how, shortly after we got married, my father pulled him aside and told him, “If you ever hurt her, I will hurt you!” I don’t think it matters how old you are, Daddy will always protective of his little girl!

13

Why in the world was he spraying lead dust? Does this somehow help the floor restoration process?

14

Back when I listened to pop radio, the DJ was interviewing the then local pop princess wannabe. As she was 16, she had her Dad with her. The DJ was being his usual smartass, and asked her Dad questions about her dating. Dads reply was that he was ex army, and if anyone gave his family grief he could, after one call, have 50 guys bigger, meaner, and angrier than him arrive anywhere in 30 minutes.

The DJ then become somewhat more polite :smiley:

15

This must be one of those things that are different in feminist Netherlands then in the USA. Boys, even teenage boys, over here are much less “predatory”, and in general take much less initiative. Girls are expected to do, and do, as much of the choosing as boys, and in overt ways. Usually, girls and guys just meet in whatever social circles they both move, and things develop from there.

A boy asking a girl out on a date, a girl he just met somewhere and takes a fancy to, that wouldn’t happen here.

One of the results is that dads over here worry less what will happen to a girl by a guy she dates. Anyway, sex and petting between teenagers usually happens in the kids’ homes, (instead of in cars) so both parents know their daughters can call for help should anything go wrong. Parents do worry though what will happen to their daughters by predatory strangers, the archetypical “creep in the bushes”.

As for my own dad, he never was much interested in sexuality himself, and the only interest he had in my boyfriends was if they might be of use to him in his work. The first thing he asked about my current husband Arwin was “Can he fix a broken database?”

16

I’m not sure boys here are “predatory.” Is it predatory for a guy to meet a girl somewhere, like in a bar or on the street or in a bookstore, and ask her for her digits?

17

My dad just didn’t get involved in any of that stuff. He was a bit of a player in his day and firmly believes everyone has to get stuff out of their system before they can settle down.

When my sisters and I were at uni he’d put money in our hands for “wine, young men and song”, tell us to be careful and safe and then just mind his own business.

He does judge potential boyfriends by whether they’re nice, soft men, drink Guinness, polite, like rugby and can put up with us as a family. They do all that, he’s happy.

He’s never said anything to me about irishfella other than “if this doesn’t work out, we’ll always be 100% on your side, don’t feel you have to stay in this for our sake”…about three weeks after we got engaged.

My dad doesn’t have sons, so I suppose he’s never really felt the need to treat us differently than he would have liked to be treated himself.

18

Sorry, poor choice of words. From what I understand from USA dating, the boys are expected to be active. The boys take the initiative, they make the first move. From the girls POV, she is approached. That’s what I meant. And that is the difference I was talking about.
The guy doing the approaching may be a perfectly sweet guy with friendly intentions, or he may be an actual “predator” and not care about the girls feelings at all.

19

I have a nearly 17 y.o. daughter, and I am moderately protective, although I have had little cause to be so far. Her big older brother has already told her that he has to personally check out any boyfriends - given that he lives in Oz and she in the UK, that sets the bar pretty high :wink:

After a few dates when she was 14 and one budding relationship we stopped (the lad was 17, joining the navy and a bit on the wild side), she only really started dating a few months ago. She has good friendly relationships with guys, and due to having big brothers who give her heaps, she gives as good as she gets. I think her boyfriend (who is a nice lad) does not quite cope with that. But we did have to explain to her recently that some (probably most) of the male friends that she has at college were actually attracted to her with a higher level of intensity than she realised. Smacking your oh_so_cool daughter with a cluebat is fun.

But we are pretty restrictive and selective about the people she hangs out with. We just had a bit of a fight when she was invited to stay the night at her boyfriends’. While we trust her, and to a lesser extent him, we said no. She took that badly, and argued that we did not really trust her, and that she made sensible choices. Two nights later, she went to a concert, had way too much to drink and had to be rescued before the headline act even got on stage. That cost her privileges (and money for new tickets, car cleaning, transport to the alternative gig etc) and got her grounded for some time. Ce La Vie. I was pretty relaxed about it, cause nothing really bad actually happened. But she needs to make up some ground. At least she has seen the more serious consequences of daft behaviour among her friends - a couple of babies, an attempted suicide, changed life plans. All good life lessons.

I recognise that she will make her own choices in life and we have to let go - she is looking at universities, and may choose to go to one in NZ. All I can do is prepare her to make smart choices. And in the not to distant future that will involve some conversations that will make her go “shut up” and stick her fingers in her ears, but include information that she needs to know. Did I say I like wielding the cluebat :smiley:

Si

20

I’m sure your dad would be protective of you in a macho way if the situation arose. The idea is to do both styles of protection, and the macho stuff is there as something you hope you’ll never need to use. But it’s there. I don’t see that as any bad thing.