My mom is an attorney specializing in custody cases. I asked her to read your OP and see if she had any advice.
hugs
I seriously feel for Greg, but when you put it all out in a compare/contrast list like that, it seems like Greg should have been much more selective about who he decided to have children with in the first place.
(I realize that the ship has long sailed by now, but it’s clear that Susan was not a great choice for becoming the mother of anyones’ children)
((((((((OpalCat))))))))))
Absolutely, no doubt about it. I will give a bit of the backstory here just to put it into context:
Greg had a horrible childhood himself, and joined the military immediately upon graduating high school. When he was 19, he met Susan, they dated briefly, and she became pregnant. He married her before the baby was born. He says, in hindsight, that he didn’t love her, or necessarily even like her, but felt he should marry her because of the child.
Greg says that the atmosphere in the military amongst the young enlisted people was a heavy emphasis on marriage and children. The majority of his peers were married w/ children even at ages 18, 19, 20. You got more benefits and on-base housing if you had a family. It seemed the thing to do.
During the marriage Greg was unhappy, but kept himself busy working his main job (military), a second job, and he achieved his undergraduate degree at nights while working 2 jobs. Susan was “on birth control” but ended up getting pregnant two more times. (Read: Susan deceived Greg into having two more children.) (I know I know, it takes two, but still.) Also during this time, Greg was accepted into officer training school and became an officer. In the meantime, Susan never worked outside the home, nor took a class or anything.
Greg is a nice, intelligent person who has achieved a lot in his life. It is obvious that Susan was a very bad match for him.
I wish the best for Greg, his poor kids and for you as well.
Good Luck…
I too wish nothing but the best for you and your family.
Is there any way you could get some “fresh eyes” to look at your situation - an advocate, lawyer, etc who might be sympathetic to your cause and able to look at it from a new perspective?
From all you’ve said it seems bloody unfair and frankly quite cruel to all of the children.
Yeah, unemployment is particularly high in these more rural counties; they were already kind of poor and this economy has not helped. I know a lot of people who are struggling to find work–including us up until a couple of weeks ago. My husband now commutes an hour, but I’m not complaining! (Yes, I know you city folks are rolling your eyes and thinking an hour commute sounds good. That’s why I’m not complaining.)
I’ve no advice but I hope it all works out in the end for you, your boyfriend and his children.
Greg may not end up with the custody or visitation that those children so desperately need, but he can still take steps to be an active part of their lives and how they turn out.
He needs to contact those boys’ school and make arrangements for a parent/teacher meeting, then fly out there for a sit-down. He needs to make arrangements for the teachers to email him the boys’ class curriculum and assignments, and stay in touch regarding their class work and grades.
He needs to have the school guidance counselor in this meeting and bi-weekly meetings with the counselor should be set up for the boys. Greg needs to maintain constant communication with the counselor as to their progress or lack there-of.
He needs to call the boys every night and talk to them about their day, ask about their friends, plans for the weekend, movies they may have seen, video games they’re playing, whatever. And he needs to talk to them about their school work. He needs to impress upon them that when they sit down to do it, they are free to call him and he’ll go over it with them. If necessary, get skype or some other form of video communication so they can “see” each other as often as possible – nightly if it can be done.
He needs to get frequent updates and report cards from the teachers, the school counselor and the principal. If the boys continue to fail in school, Greg should get something in writing from the teachers and principal as to Greg’s efforts vs Susan’s and the fact that the boys are failing under Susan’s custody.
If necessary, consider contacting Child Welfare and report that the boys aren’t getting proper supervision or any other potential charge that could get them to take interest. Once the State gets involved, if they find that the boys are in an emotionally abusive environment, or don’t have a permanent roof over their heads, or any other grounds to pull them, the first place they turn is to relatives to take custody of the children, and that’s when Greg gets to step up to the plate. Now it’s the State saying things are bad, not just Greg.
But most of all, he needs to SHOW those boys by his daily presence in their lives, that he loves them, hasn’t abandoned them and cares how their lives turn out, even if they try to reject his efforts. No matter what, he needs to keep doing it, every single day.
Best of luck to everyone involved, especially those boys.
This is so very true. If, as you say, he is the only positive influence they have, then as Shayna says, he must do everything he can to be a part of their lives. No matter what.
I have dealt with family law disputes for over 20 years and avoid it now because of the type of situation described by NS. Its like a piece of string…no end to some cases. They are draining and unresolvable.
I won’t comment on the merits of this situation because we do not have the opposing point of view. There are always two sides even when one side is irrational.
People always blame the Courts and/or the lawyers. The simple reality is these are human issues, not legal issues. All the laws in the land will never re-create a happy family when there is disfunction.
My advice - I echo that above. Greg should do what he reasonably can to keep regular contact with his children over the next 10 years. Telephone calls once a week, birthday cards, modest gifts on special occasions, time with them when possible. Maybe this needs to go through school if Susan makes it difficult.
But the key message is - loving constancy. Let them know he is there for them. It may take years but it will prove out. Children are not stupid.
That’s the trouble with the rule, “Don’t stick your dick in crazy.” They don’t wear “Crazy” signs.
That is a whole lot of wonderful advice.
Great post (as usual), Shayna.
nyctea scandiaca, you and “Greg” have my sympathy. I wish I had something useful to offer beyond that. What a heart-wrenching story!
I know this is isn’t simple, but it sounds to me like Greg needs to find work back in his kids’ hometown.
Part of the problem, right now, is that, because they’re on opposite coasts, increasing Greg’s visitation or giving him custody means taking the kids away from their Mom altogether. Neither the courts nor the kids are going to be enthused about that.
If Greg was right there, seeing his kids everyday, offering them a calm, clean respite and special attention, obviously not the bad guy their mother is painting him out to be - I think it would make a world of difference in the way the boys looks at him, as well as the courts.
Right now, if the kids feel a sudden need to get away and spend time with him, it’s simply not possible. If Greg was always around, always just a quick car trip away - I bet his kids would be grateful to spend more time with him. They’re getting old enough to choose where they want to be. If Greg’s not there - there is no choice for them.
I know it’s easy to sit here on the internet but, really, if his kids can’t come to him - then he needs to go to them.
I’m going to put on my “evil & manipulative” hat and say that Greg should have Susan arrested. I mean that he should anonymously turn her in for something.
I’m sure she does SOMETHING illegal. Smokes pot, drives without insurance, cheats on her taxes, lied on her welfare application, I bet there’d be something solid if anyone dug around a little. Probably lots.
A few nights in jail and her little family home situation would fall apart. Someone would need to step up and take care of her children. And once Mark’s got them, it’ll be a bitch for her to get them back.
Okay Dopers, throw out some good ideas of illegal things Susan probably does or could be easily trapped into doing? 
Well, one good thing that can be said about Susan is, as far as we know, she doesn’t drink or do drugs. I suspect she engages in some sort of welfare fraud, but the question would be, how could we review the information she has submitted to the state for welfare?
Another thing I know is that she is in big debt and probably has a ton of debt collectors after her. She moves around a lot and tries to keep her location a secret. (As in, she has told Greg many times he is not to give out her address to anyone.) I am surprised she has not had a debt collector sue her yet – maybe she has, but I have searched the county court records and see no judgments against her.
Also, she does leave Greg’s 3 boys over at her parents’ house a lot and apparently both grandma and grandpa are big alcoholics, especially the grandmother, who often ferries the boys around to and from school, etc. I do worry about the boys driving with grandma while she is intoxicated.
**Finally here is something that has been bothering me. Please share your thoughts on this. **I touched on this briefly before, but an underage foreign exchange student was raped by her ex-husband while living with Susan. For several years before her ex-husband was arrested for the molestation of the 13-year-old, they would host female foreign exchange students every year for about four years straight. They were usually about 15-16 years old and in high school. After ex-husband was jailed for molesting the 13-year-old girl, I always had an uneasy feeling about whether he had victimized any of the students…
Well lo and behold, after Susan divorced the molester, one of her former exchange students – whom she had kept in touch with via Facebook – came forth to Susan and told her that the ex-husband had twice raped her. Both incidents took place after Susan and the children were asleep.
The assaults took place about about 3 years ago, just after Susan’s 6th child was born. Leading up to one incident, Susan’s newborn baby was put under the care of the student and slept in a bassinet in the student’s room, because “Susan needed her rest.” Leaving the impropriety of that aside… One night the baby woke and the student went to fix a bottle. The husband was out in the living room on the couch. This is when one of the the assaults took place, late at night, when the family was asleep, and the student was up caring for the baby. Greg’s 3 sons were asleep in their rooms just feet away… The other assault happened when the student stayed up late watching movies with the husband.
I can’t imagine what could have happened if one of the boys had gotten up to use the bathroom or get a drink and interrupted the sexual assault…
Anyway, so Susan knows about this crime, but the student is in her home country. So wouldn’t Susan have an obligation to report this crime to police? As far as we know, she has not done so. As far as I know, no charges have been brought against the ex-husband/stepfather for the rapes of the exchange student.
I think you should notify both the cops and the student exchange hosting company about the assaults.
I am pondering this, but would like any more thoughts/info…
On a related note, in regards to the family therapist who did the custody evaluation (who I think was biased and did a crappy job)… Well, we think she knew about the foreign exchange student rape allegations during her evaluation and did not tell us, did not put it in the report, nor did she report it to the police. This is important because under state law she is a mandated reporter, i.e. she is bound by law to report any knowledge of a crime.
We didn’t find out about the rape allegations until later, a couple of weeks after the custody evaluation was issued. Greg actually sent a letter to the therapist asking her 1. Did you know about the rape? 2. If so, why did you not include it in the report ? 3. As a mandated reporter did you report the crime? 4. If you did not know about the allegations, what are you going to do now that you know about it? Can you amend your report?
We got NO response from the therapist and never heard from her again. Did I mention Greg had to pay over $6,000 for the therapist and that he was ordered by the court to pay her whole fee by himself.
There was a whole raft of other problems, discrepancies, errors and inaccuracies in the therapist’s report. We compiled these errors and Greg’s attorney submitted a rebuttal to the court; however, Greg’s attorney even said that it would do no good, and that the judge probably wouldn’t even read it. The only reason we insisted on submitting the rebuttal is to have it “on the record.”
And as to why the student’s rape is relevant to Greg’s custody case: It’s pretty obvious why it matters, but just to spell it out, it illustrates the dangerous atmosphere the boys were living in, and that their caretaker - their mother - was oblivious to the danger that her husband posed to other children in her care, and shows her extremely poor judgment.