Father's quest for his kids goes down in flames; advice (and sympathy) requested

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

I agree this would be beneficial. Because it’s clear that even though Greg is paying Big Bucks for his attorney, the attorney is very busy and isn’t always that much help. And this is the third or fourth attorney he has had.

The problem is, who could give us a fresh, educated perspective, that isn’t going to cost Greg more money? He’s plum out of funds.

We do have one extremely helpful advocate, however – my aunt, whose husband is an attorney and who knows a lot about the legal system. But then again, every state’s laws are different, so things we know about family law in my state may not be the same as in California.

62

Here’s another thing I have been thinking about, which I talked about back in Post 25.

Based on everything we know, and as admitted to by Susan in her recent “Income and Expense Declaration,” her only income is 1. Greg’s child support and 2. $700 in welfare. Her boyfriend lives with her, and is listed on the document as unemployed and contributing nothing to the household. Also, the 3 younger children receive no child support since their father is in prison.

So basically, Greg is financially supporting not only his 3 kids, but Susan, her other 3 kids and her boyfriend (and to a lesser extent, the taxpayers who fund the welfare she receives).

This is outrageous, but by all accounts perfectly legal and acceptable with the family courts. As many times as we have asked, and I have researched, we have always come back with the response that Susan can do whatever she pleases with the child support funds.

Of course, the real losers here are the kids, who should be getting $2,500 worth of benefits and support every month. But instead, their money is being split 8 ways, instead of 3.

It’s infuriating to think that Greg is supporting this deadbeat boyfriend, “Mark,” who is unemployed and lives with Susan while contributing $0.

So I came up with a possible idea, please let me know your thoughts: Can Greg sue the boyfriend “Mark,” on behalf of his children, for “stealing” their money? Or could he sue Susan on behalf of his children for misuse of their funds?

Is this totally far-fetched, or am I onto something here?

I have heard over and over again to “just let it go,” and “move on and not think about it,” but it is just so beyond the pale that I can’t help but think there is some way to stand up to this.

63

Stop worrying about the money and start worrying (more) about the boys’ welfare. As I said, Greg should pursue taking an active role in their education by contacting all their teachers, the principal and the guidance counselor. Be INVOLVED. That’s the only way you’re going to know any peace in your heart for having done right by those boys.

64

Shayna, of course my main concern is for the welfare of the boys. The financial issue is directly related to their welfare and well-being.

Greg does do everything he can to take an active role in their education. He is in touch with all the schools. However, it isn’t always easy. With one of the schools, his formal requests to speak with teachers and to be put on mailing lists has been repeatedly ignored. When he called the school, phone calls were not returned for lengthy periods of time. Specific requests for school records and other information have been ignored.

Susan REFUSES to communicate with Greg about the boys’ school issues. For example, during the last school year, the 12-year-old had been doing so poorly in school that he was transferred to a different school, then he was put on “independent study” (i.e. home schooling) in order to pass the year. Guess what? Greg was NEVER informed about any of this. The only reason he found out about it was through the family therapist in her custody evaluation!! The school did not tell him. Susan did not tell him. The son did not tell him. He was completely in the dark.

Susan and his son had been lying to him for months. We have months of emails from her saying the boy was doing “awesome” and “great” in school, all the while he was failing. The boy talked to Greg every week about how much fun he was having in school when he was actually NOT EVEN ATTENDING SCHOOL at the time - he was on “independent study” and not attending classes for the last 6 weeks of school.

This year, after receiving his 14-year-old son’s failing report card, he contacted Susan for an explanation. She refused to discuss it. He called the school counselor and set up meetings. The counselor said “We have 1,500 kids and it’s hard to focus on just one…” That is a verbatim quote. His son will not talk to him about why he is having problems in school.

65

That’s the sort of thing I was talking about. It’s easy for Susan to keep Greg in the dark - because Greg is thousands of miles away. It’s easy for her to feed the 14yo a line of bullshit about how Greg doesn’t care and doesn’t know anything about them - because they only talk once a week and Greg’s ignorance makes Susan’s comments about him seem correct (to a teenage mind.)

If Greg was present and saw his kids in person 2-3 times a week, it’d be a lot hard for Susan to paint him as an absentee father.

66

You know, I’ve been reading this saga for as long as you’ve been posting it. I feel for those kids and I can’t imagine how hard life is for them. It’s terrible.

I hear what you’re saying about how his job is thousands of miles away and I know this economy is terrible but, I’m sorry, I just don’t see how that is a good enough reason to be so far away.

This has been going on for how long? A long time. I know it’s easy for me to say because I’m not in his shoes, but if things are really as you have been painting them (and I’m sorry but there are two sides to every story so I can’t say I believe it 100%) then there is NOTHING more important in his life than the welfare of his children. Nothing. Not you, not his job, not anything.

Of course he needs to make a living. Of course. IMHO he should have been applying for any and all jobs within a ten county radius of his children and taking whatever he could and then taking her back to court to have the child support readjusted if he had to take a job for less money. You could move with him to help with the bills. You were unemployed (or still are?) for a long time. You both could have been looking for jobs there.

Again, it’s easy for me to say to move and find a job thousands of miles from where you are. I’ve done it and I know it isn’t easy. Still, he chose to become a father and those kids are his responsibility.

Your little compare/contrast #40 post (which is completely classless IMHO) seems to be a bragging comment about how much more qualified at life you both are compared to her and her SO. I would think that someone with “a Bachelor’s degree and master’s degree from prestigious university” would show a bit more ingenuity and do everything he could to secure a job closer to his kids and outsmart someone (according to you) who is so very unfit.

I think I’d rather be on food stamps and pumping gas and see my kids and influence them from 30 miles away while doing everything I can to protect them than to stay 3000 miles away at my “High level, well-paying job” and complain about how my money is being spent by the mother of my children. Obviously his mileage varies.

67

Spot on, they are scared of the outcome if they choose the nice one. Seen it a million times. Mum has a better guilt trip than a dad as well.

68

I have heard this comment many times here and it’s hard to argue against. But it’s just not an option. If anything, Susan should move here, like she said she was going to 3 years ago when Greg moved here. Her insistence that she was going to move to the East Coast played a part in him moving here. Then she backpedaled on her promise.

Greg’s job is here, with the Federal government. This is where the Federal government is headquartered. He should not have to martyr himself by leaving a promising career to move to one of the hardest-hit economies where he would be making less than half the money and have no upward mobility. She lives in Bumfuck. Over 10% unemployment in California (plus a quick search shows the area she lives in as high as upper 30% unemployment). Most of the industry there is agricultural, not high tech, which is the field Greg is in.

Another angle is that when Susan married Greg, she knew he was in the military, and he was subject to moving every two years. While they were married, they moved around to several different states. She made the decision to be with a man whose job was to move around. She knew exactly what his career track was even when they were married – it was that he would transition into the Federal government from his military background. He had been planning for this for a decade at least.

It’s troublesome to me to hear people arguing, “well if Greg really cared about the kids, he would move there…” Because he already has proven how much he cares about the kids in many ways, including spending two years and a fortune fighting for custody. Susan is already poor, why should they become even poorer because she wants to live in Bumfuck, and why should Greg take 10 steps backwards in a dire economy – how would that help anyone? It wouldn’t.

Not to mention that when we were living there, before Greg & I moved here 3 years ago, it was STILL a nightmare dealing with Susan. She pulled all the same bullshit and the kids had the same set of problems.

I guess I’m wondering, why shouldn’t Susan move here? She and her boyfriend are unemployed, so they wouldn’t have to leave jobs. And at least here she and her boyfriend would have a much better chance of getting jobs themselves. Plus overall it is a much much nicer area, including the schools. We even did an extensive comparison of the schools here compared to the schools here, and on all levels our schools score much higher.

69

She’s not going to. Getting hung up on “shoulds” in a situation like this will make you insane. She should move to where you are. She should get a better job. She shouldn’t be spending the child support money on herself and her boyfriend. She shouldn’t keep Greg away from his kids. She should be a better mother.

Yeah, well. She’s not going to, and you have to deal with that reality. Greg has made a choice – an eminently understandable choice, but still, a choice – to live thousands of miles away from his kids. That’s going to make aspects of fatherhood a lot more difficult, especially when his ex is being unhelpful. He (and you) need to accept that and work with/around it as best as you can, rather than fuming about how things should be different. Shayna had some really great suggestions about how to do this, up-thread.

70

I do accept the situation, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying to improve the situation. I’m not yet ready to admit defeat – the part of me that believes in justice and “the American way” (cheesy I know) feels we have to keep trying to seek a solution, instead of just giving up. It’s an uphill battle but Greg has kept it up much longer than most people would have been able to (financially and emotionally). Also, as I posted a few posts up, Greg already has been following all of Shayna’s suggestions, and while they help, they are no substitute for the kids being with us.

71

The only people he has to prove anything to are his kids. They don’t sound impressed with his performance. No matter whose fault that is (and I don’t really buy that it’s all Susan’s) - he obviously needs to step it up.

If he’d taken all the money he spent on lawyers and used it to finance a move back west while he looked for work, I suspect he’d have gotten better results. Or, you know, any results.

72

I hope Greg is still constantly checking on the job situation there. He doesn’t have to live in Sacramento; there are other regions in California that would be much closer that the east coast. Maybe his kids are worth a pay cut. Greg can’t control what the ex does, but he can control what he does.

73

Heck, even if he could find a job in Texas it’d be halfway there.

74

Exactly how could Susan move closer to you guys? It has been well established that she doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out so I’m curious as to how this could occur. She has heinous credit so even finding a place, much less setting up utilities is going to present quite a huge a challenge. And that’s assuming she has enough money to get across the country to begin with.

75

Given the issues at stake, it might be worthwhile for your boyfriend to get a second opinion from another lawyer. Someone might be willing to do an initial consultation for little or no fee.

76

If Susan would be willing to move here, we would pay her costs and help her get a place/set up utilities, etc. The best solution I could dream of would be for us all to live in the same town (a town with jobs, not bumfuck unemploymentville), in the same neighborhood, and have the kids 50/50. It would make the lives of everyone involved - even Susan’s other kids and her boyfriend - better.

77

That might be where the federal government is headquartered, but there are federal jobs all over the country so let’s not say that.

As I mentioned in my comment, I realize the economy is tough right now. I guess I don’t see where doing everything you can for the children you choose to bring into the world makes one a martyr. Those kids didn’t ask to be born and if we’re to believe that their mother is a borderline lunatic I can’t imagine how or why Greg would choose to pick his career over protecting his kids. He chose to bring them into the world. They should take priority over his career. Doing absolutely everything he can do (even if it hurts him a little) wouldn’t make one a martyr. It makes one a father.

78

That’s very generous of you. Is she aware that such an offer stands?

79

Most kids in the 11-14 age range are not really cognizant of the many things their parents do for them. So I doubt they are the best judges at this age of Greg’s “performance.” He pays for the roof over their heads, the food in their stomachs, the clothes on their backs and the toys that they play with. At home they’re pretty much in charge of taking care of themselves as their mother is busy with 3 small children and her boyfriend. As long as they are left alone and allowed to play their video games ad infinitum (which they are), they’ll tell anyone that their mom is the tops. No wonder they’re failing in school.

I’m sad that this thread has taken a downward turn with everyone zeroing in on the one weakness in Greg’s situation and seemingly dismissing everything else that Greg has done right. Moving to California would not fix the situation, it would only make it worse because everyone would be poorer and Susan would still keep up her antics. And Greg will have thrown away a career he has worked for 15 years to build. That is not in the best interest of his kids, especially in a few short years when it is time to pay for college.

80

Yes she is aware, Greg has told her many times.