Favorite Punchlines at inopportune moments

What punchlines do you like to insert into awkward moments in daily life?

I like to insert “If i could walk THAT way i wouldn;t NEED the aftershave” when someone is obviously walking into a room and evesdropping.

I also like to wait until a really loud room dies down and exclaim in a loud “over the crowd” conversational tone “Yeah, I’m getting my testicles laminated” or “So I tell her, with an attitude like THAT you can untie yourself!”

  1. “Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed him!”
  2. “And we all know how painful that can be!”
  3. “As the bishop said to the actress.”

I forget where I saw this first, but I really enjoy coughing on elevators and commenting about how my TB is finally clearing up.

At my university they always lead the tours by these stairs that my friend and I sit on during lunch. During a lull in the tour leaders descriptions of the campus, my friend loves to exclaim in a loud and inquisitive voice, “So did they ever get the gerbil out of her?!?!?!?!”

I used to do this all the time with a college buddy of mine. We’d stand in an elevator/bar/crowded room, and ask each other questions like:

  • “So, is your dad out of jail yet?”
  • “Yeah, out on bail last week. Is your mom still working that same street corner?”
  • “She has to. My sister’s seriously on the cocaine again.”

The looks on peoples faces are priceless :wink:

I have a friend who, went at Disneyland or other theme parks, likes to walk in front of people with video cameras (rolling) and say to her companion, loudly, “And you had SEX with her?!”

Personally, I like to add little jokes and teases in conversations; though I’m an extrovert, I’m notsomuch one to blurt out some bizarre comment in a group. I like the more subverted approach.

For example, last night: my fiancé and I were having dinner at a decent restaurant where one of the patrons seemed to relish being really, really loud. He was a stereotypical sports-macho-man, the kind that beat up boys who liked flowers and dancing in school. I don’t know if he was drunk or just obnoxious, or both. He was yelling everything he said–“He fucking kicks ass!”–and other eloquent statements. At one point, he repeatedly hollered, “I love this guy! I fuckin’ love him!” Smirking, I said, “So bend over.” Of course, only my fiancé could hear me, and he burst out laughing.

And really, that’s all I can think of for now.

I had a friend who was refreshingly honest, and would just blurt out the first thing that came to mind. In a voice that could be heard in the next county, mind you.

I’ll never forget the time that we were practicing our high school graduation ceremony. The principal said “OK, let’s run thru this one more time, and then we’ll go home.”

My friend, in a voice that the entire auditorium could hear, replied “RUN thru??”

Or the time he was in our government class, and our teacher was talking about the White House. Someone asked if the White House had any place formally designated for ball room dancing, and the professor replied that there was no specific place, but that the West Wing “could be used for ball…dancing”.

Of course, my friend, not intentionally trying to be funny at all, blurted out “BALLING?” Broke the entire class up.

I had another friend who really should have been an actor–his comic timing was hilarious. I was visiting the Bay Area, where he lived, and we (with a third friend) went to a Cal basketball game, when they were playing Southwest Conneticut, or some such school. It’s a not very well attended game–took place over winter break and the game’s out of reach (the only point of interest left is the morbid curiosity whether Cal will beat them by more than 50 point), when there’s a “ticky tack” foul called against Cal.

My friend then slaps his head and calls out: “Goddamn, the refs are KILLING us!”

Shocked silence. Me, the third riend I’m with, and half the section turn to look at him. He’s quietly laughing to himself. Then the absurdity of the situation hits, and we all start laughing.

Another time, I was with a friend at a Denny’s and I can overhear snippets of the conversation at the next table. My friend, who’s back is to them and is closer to them, can hear them better. My friend and I are talking, and he suddenly got the goofiest smile he’s ever had on his face. I ask him what the hell’s up, and he said he couldn’t tell me till we finished eating and got into the car.

Naturally, this is bugging the shit of me the rest of the meal.

So finally, the meal ends, and I’m virtually dragging him to the car so I can get the goods. Apparently, the woman behind my friend was talking to someone else about her husband, when my friend heard “and they found him in Nevada, wearing MY clothes”.

Finally, the funniest thing I ever heard (second hand) is almost certainly an urban legend.

Supposedly took place at UCLA: Biology class, discussing the chemical content of semen. Cheerleader type asks professor if said substance is an acid or a base. Professor replies that it’s a base.

Whereupon the lady asks “Then why does it taste salty?”