My friend had his thirtieth birthday today. We went out with some friends, had a few drinks, and had a good time. It was a nice visit. But of course it made me reflect how my life hasn’t exactly turned out like I hoped. He even asked me accidentally if I had a good thirtieth birthday (when he should have remembered I was dumped on my birthday). Again most of my good friends are married expecting kids…I just wonder how I seemed to have missed that opportunity in my life. Tonight I’m wondering why my life hasn’t turned out better. I put on a happy face all the time when I go out and tonight was no exception…but tonight I feel a bit weak. It’s tough listening to my good friends talk about their kids, and their property, and all of their riches, while I’m trying to buy a car that I rolled on my ridiculous commute. I’m living with my parents while i save money as I may be facing unemployment in the fall.
I know this feeling will pass, and I know really things can always be worse, and really I’ve been feeling well for awhile. But I still hope one day I might be able to have some of my hopes come true.
Old AA saying: Don’t compare your insides to somebody else’s outsides.
(You probably don’t know the whole picure and some of them may be looking wistfully at your life.)
Oh man, been there, done that. Bechy2844’s AA saying is a good one though - you can’t ever know how other people feel when they look around them.
Sometimes focussing on the small things can help get you through the big things - you’re taking some responsible steps (moving back in with your folks) to mitigate a possible financial problem later in the year, for instance. And, without being in any way patronising, you’re 30. You have no idea how many possibilities still lie ahead of you. When I was 30 I had settled for a childless, loveless, violent, hideous marriage, a fairly humdrum job and no prospects of improvement. If I had suspected for a second what joy and passion lay ahead of me, I would have been… well, impatient, to be honest - but you get the point. The last decade (and a bit) has shown me again how wonderful life can be.
You have hope - welcome it, revel in it. You’re right, this will pass. Sorry you’re so sad right now.
They are probably looking at you, living at home, no mortgage, no responsibilities, no getting up early with the kids, you can sleep in, party all night, come and go as you please and thinking that you have it good.
When you do find the right woman, get married and start having kids, a lot of your friends marriages will be falling apart.
They are going to be thrown back into the dating world when they are out of shape, gaining weight, going bald, and dealing with rebellious teenagers.
Your life will be on the upswing while they are getting ready to crash and burn.
Maybe.
You don’t know what lies ahead and you don’t know what secret misery other people have.
But you know what? It’s normal to compare yourself to your peers, so don’t beat yourself up for doing it. The important thing is to also take some effort to stop beating yourself up for not being exactly like them.
Appreciating what I have and not comparing myself to others are two things that I struggle with all the time. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps this is why I don’t try harder to make relationships. I am riddled with shame, and shame makes a person want to isolate themselves. (At least you don’t do this!)
I would say think of all the things you have that other people don’t have. But 1) I’m sure you already do this, 2) it perpetuates the problem of comparing yourself to others…just in the other direction, and 3) it may be comforting to know that you aren’t as evil as a serial killer or as impoverished as a homeless person, but it’s the same comfort you’d get if your leg is broken and someone told you to feel sorry for the gunshot victim. You can be grateful that you aren’t in a worse predicament, but that doesn’t necessarily make you fall in love with yours.
Maybe what will work is just a different perspective. The absurdist in me laughs because this is optimistic and hopeful, which goes counter to the live-in-the-moment-and-fuck-the-fairytales philosophy that I’ve kind of embraced. But here goes: maybe we’re just late-bloomers. Our greatness is still incubating, waiting to be released when conditions are just right.
In the meantime, you can fill the void doing things you like to do and that make you a smarter, stronger, and emotionally healthy person. Appreciate that you don’t have to pay the costs that come with being “settled down”…you are free from the binds that come with significant other and children. As alienated as I feel, I have to say that freedom to do what I like more than makes up for it. I have discovered abilities in myself that I would not have known if I were more “encumbered”.
If we all threw all of our problems in a big heap, we would probably take back our own.
Someone said to me not to long ago: “Yes, but your whole life has just been so easy and perfect!” And I just thought I didn’t even know what to say to that.
I know how you feel, Quasimodal. Sometimes I just don’t understand how everyone seems to be going somewhere, everyone seems like they all have it all sorted. I hope they’re all like me: faking an amazing life.
Stop comparing yourself to other people. You are not them, they are not you.
My therapist taught me this trick each time I start to compare myself to where I thought “I should be.” Imagine every person as a house. You see the house from the outside, peering into the living room window. You see how great the room looks and you get jealous. But that’s because you don’t see what goes on beyond the front room- all their other rooms could be old, messy, delapidated.
Point is, is that you rarely see what goes beyond the front since you’re not living it. Imagine what they had to give up, what sacrifices they had to make that they may have not wanted to or expected, and in what ways they may be jealous of you/ways you’re better off than them.
Comparing youself to others, when you don’t keep the whole view in focus, only leads to pain and disappointment with oneself.
Thanks everyone, It’s something I have been working on. I actually was actively reminding myself of these things last night, I just didn’t win the night. Things are better today.
Quasimodal, sometimes I feel like a loser, because I’m around your age (a couple of years younger than you) and I live with my father. But I think things are improving for me, and perhaps they’ll improve for you too.
Nothing was going well, and the guy I was clinging to (in hopes that HE would turn it all around) couldn’t be bothered to remember it was my thirtieth birthday. Despite the fact that we were away on holiday and I had reminded him…wow…THAT weekend will be good to go AND it’s my birthday…
Yeah, that didn’t work out. I was an idiot (not saying you are at all - just my story) who was waiting for someone else to fix my life. Thirty-one SUPER sucked, 32 may have been an embarrassment (I refuse to remember it) but some how, some way, shit just fell together.
Anyhoo, I’m 46 now (46 is the new 45 ) Happily married to a wonderful man for 13 years and I have a great kid. Despite being a smoker in The Unhappy Years, I quit when I got pregnant nine years ago and have run five full marathons since turning 40.
So go figure. I can’t give you any words beyond my own personal anecdote. I just know that life is long and things can change.
Thanks Winneee. Yes this year has really been an interesting one. I won’t say bad cause generally my level of happiness has gone up…but it’s been a real roller-coaster. I think I really will look at this year as a year of transition into my next phase of life. I’ve applied for my University, and am planing to quit soon. I’m kicking ass at my Calculus, and I’ve lost almost 26 pounds. I made my traumatic breakup into a source of strength and I’m really proud of that. On top of it, I’ve learned how to swim for the first time in my life. So no I don’t have kids, or that special someone, but In the meantime I’m making myself into that special someone for someone else. Hell I even survived a roll-over this year…the universe can’t keep me down that easily
I didn’t even know what to say to that.
) Happily married to a wonderful man for 13 years and I have a great kid. Despite being a smoker in The Unhappy Years, I quit when I got pregnant nine years ago and have run five full marathons since turning 40.