Feeling Bad Rambles About My Mom

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I don’t know whether you’re autistic. For that matter I’m not diagnosed either, I’m just basing this off of my being very much like my daughter. I’m somewhat different than you (I enjoy reading and writing fiction too, but on the other hand I can do the dance and fake whatever I need to). But what I will say is that I know more than one autistic girl/woman who is very much like you. Socially aware? Check. Can’t fake? Check. Reading and writing rather than math? Check. Various stimulation issues? Check.

One thing though. It seems to me, in my opinion as a random person on the internet (so take that for what it’s worth), that you’re in that murky Venn diagram of ASD/profound-giftedness/ADHD where it’s not really clear where one shades into another. To be honest, that’s where I am too, only I’m a little further to the ASD side and a little farther away from the ADHD side than you. (I have a few ADHD tendencies too – really very few compared to those who actually have the diagnosis, but I do have them – and ADHD strategies often help me (though not always).) I don’t think that it’s really well understood why there’s such an overlap, but there’s definitely a big overlap and I know a lot of 2E (3E?) folks who are in various places on that diagram.

(Btw, my ASD kid also craves novelty, though she’s not ADHD at all. It was really hard when she was little and I’d take her to do an activity and she’d spend a few minutes with it and be like, “OK, what’s the next thing?” Now some of the benefits are more clear – like, some autistic kids hate trying new foods, but she loves trying new foods.)

(And I also wanted to say, like @liirogue , that I’m sorry this has all been and continues to be so hard for you. I’m sorry you didn’t get the mom you ought to have had, while I think it’s wonderful that you can be that mom for your own child.)

22

Look, you accepted your husband to fill the role of true partner and joint decision maker and someone who cares about you very much and knows you deeply. He’s also half in charge of making good decisions when it comes to your son.

I would totally listen to him when he says this is a bad idea.

23

Boy, I’m all over the place on that Venn diagram. What a cool chart. I’m sharing that with my husband.

I realized that my mom knowing about her BPD ultimately did not change her so there’s no reason to think an autism diagnosis would.

In the letter I wrote to her (not to send) I wrote entirely about my son, and said if you’re wondering how I’m doing, raising this extraordinary kid is how I’m doing, and that’s all that really matters.

24

I told my husband it’s been a hard day and he suggested I was ruminating. I said it’s not rumination, it’s grief. Has to be felt.

He said fair. Then pointed out bargaining is one of the stages of grief, and “maybe I can just send letters to her” sounds a lot like bargaining.

I did, indeed, marry him for a reason.

25

At the risk of wielding my current favorite hammer (I have recently finished a book on it), I wonder if you are grieving your relationship with your mother in some way. Grief can come and go, especially if the other half of the relationship is still alive.

I have never been what you have been through, but I found myself pining for contact with a woman I hung out with in college years ago. There’s nothing romantic involved in what I feel. I just want to talk to her again and see how she is, but I know that it would be intrusive and awkward, so I have had to let go.

Your letter to your mother may be a step toward unloading what you have wanted to say to her, making it easier to leave her in your past. She is a part of your past, and you are dealing with her emotional and possibly genetic legacy. That doesn’t mean that she has an appropriate place as you figure out what your future will be as you deal with that legacy.

26

Listen to Sr. Weasel. He’s seeing things from a more dispassionate and different vantage point than you are. And it sounds like he’s got his head on straight and has your best interests in mind. You’ve just got to trust him.

For what it’s worth, I’m sort of in the same boat; my mom’s got Alzheimer’s, and I find myself wanting to talk to her, but it’s talking to her, not her with Alzheimers. There’s definitely an element of mourning the woman she was, and the relationship we had, and it sounds like maybe you’re undergoing something similar. Others have pointed that out, and I think they’re spot on- you’re mourning the relationship you had or you wish you had.

27

The two used to be seen as quite different and even opposite issues, but we’re now realising there’s a huge overlap.

50-70% of kids with ASD also have ADHD symptoms, and 20-50% of kids with ADHD also have ASD symptoms. Presumably this is also true for adults.

I’ve only been diagnosed with ASD, but when I read about AuDHD my symptoms made so much more sense. I also like novelty and get bored easily, struggle to maintain a routine, and am quite willing to do things spontaneously (I once booked a holiday - flights and hotel - in the morning, packed, and flew out that evening). I don’t have narrow interests - exactly the opposite - but I tend to hyperfocus on something for a while and then get bored of it.

Most of what you’ve said about yourself seems very familiar. Preferring fiction to maths is pretty common in women with ASD (I have always enjoyed both). A lot of stereotypes and assumptions about ASD are based on how it presents in men (boys, really), and aren’t even true for all of them. Special interests can be anything, AIUI: it’s the intensity with which they are held that’s unusual.

I don’t know if you have enough symptoms for an ASD diagnosis, or whether it would be useful for you to get one. There isn’t any treatment for adults AFAIK, but a lot of people find it a relief to realise their life-long struggles weren’t their fault, and there’s a reason things that seem so easy for other people are hard for them. With the internet, it’s easy to get advice and coping strategies from other people who’ve been through the same problems, but you don’t need a diagnosis for that.

I can’t really give you advice on your mother since I haven’t had to deal with anything similar. I don’t think learning she has ASD (if she does) would change her or make it possible for you to have a relationship with her. Honestly, it sounds like she has more serious problems than that, and you shouldn’t try to reconnect with her.

28

I know it was a relief and helpful when I found out I had ADHD at age 34. I could forgive myself for a lot.

I’m probably going to go and see someone just to sort through whether my intense social anxiety is exactly that or masking autism in some way. And if it’s not autism we can work on the social anxiety. When I really ask myself whether it’s worth it or not to look into whether or not it’s ASD, it’s really that my life is so limited in some ways by my social anxiety. I find it hard to leave the house and go for a walk in case someone might say something to me. I won’t make phone calls for like, lawn service, for months on end. I have a pretty good social life but only when I’m really comfortable with someone can I let go of that fear of awkwardness.

All of that took a back burner while I was working on depression, anxiety and PTSD. Now that those are pretty well in hand, I think it’s time to look deeper.

It’s funny you mention going on vacation at the last minute. I freak out with any sort of last minute changes even if they’re like, “I want you to watch the kid tonight because I have an urgent issue to resolve.” I don’t get upset with my husband or make it his problem, but I find it really difficult to have things change on me like that. Unless I’m being released from a social commitment in which case thaaaank you.

29

I chose to go on vacation, though (we had actually been planning a camping trip in the UK, but the forecast was for rain all week). There’s a big difference between that and a sudden change that’s more-or-less forced on you. It sounds like your son is similar, wanting novelty on his own terms, but objecting to his routine being disrupted by others.

30

The problem with Social anxiety is there’s crappy treatment choices(I guess theres drugs…not for me).

I’m not gonna do Exposure treatment. That causes a fresh new anxiety.
I am not able to force myself on others going to the nice event they’re having and then have full blown panic attack. No one wants that business. The thought of embarrassment gives me anxiety right here in my safe spot.

I’ve just learned to accept my behavior. My family is sensitive to it and allow me clinging rights.

I’m no great loss to social events I may be asked to attend. In the big picture no will ever miss me, anyway.

If you have it, as a symptom of autism or adhd, of course get treatmemt.

My social anxiety is not treatable.

31

Yes, good point.

When he was little (sniff) he hated brushing his teeth, but if he fell asleep in the car or something and we tried to put him to bed, he would wake up and insist on brushing his teeth because he hated breaking his routine more than he hated brushing his teeth.

He’s gotten more flexible as he’s gotten older. As long as you can provide a solid reason, he can adjust to changes in routine. He didn’t get a shower last night and accepted, “because it’s not been hot enough for you to be sweaty and I don’t feel like it.”

He also demands the reasons for good changes, like an extra peanut bar. Last night my explanation was, “because I tend to indulge you when I’ve had a bad day.”

Radical honesty.

32

I’ve done exposure for PTSD. It’s not easy. Usually you start with a tiny exposure and work your way up to the big ones. All the drama I described in my OP resulted in hypervigilance and fears of death in various ways. I had a particularly strong fear of home invasion (fears don’t have to be related to the trauma directly to be a symptom of PTSD.)

It took two hours a day for about eight weeks. And reduced my hypervigilance, permanently, by about 90%.
That was over ten years ago.

I was lucky enough to be able to do the treatment at one of the best places in the world to do that specific treatment. It was Edna Foa’s clinic at the Center for Treatment and Study of Anxiety.

Exposure didn’t solve all the problems, but I did two rounds of EMDR after that which helped with the more emotionally complex part of the trauma.

33

Yeah–I first saw that chart at a gifted education conference in March, and it’s been in my head ever since.

A couple of years ago I was talking with a brilliant, gentle, wry friend at a gaming weekend, and he smiled and said, “I don’t think there’s a single neurotypical person here.” That kind of blew my mind: I’d always kind of assumed I was neurotypical, not out of arrogance but out of humility. Like, the weird shit I do and think isn’t because of a condition, it’s because I’m weird. Being neurodiverse without needing a diagnosis was kind of freeing.

I have no diagnosis, but the more I learn about diagnoses, the more I think of them like gender expression. There are clumps, there are commonalities, but it’s not even a spectrum: it’s a scatter-plot at best. Some behaviors and quirks and patterns are called ASD, some ADHD, some BPD, and those are a bit like the metropolises of neurodiversity (neurodiverse-cities?). But a lot of us live in the suburbs, or even in the wilds outside of the cities. If our particular collection of sensory issues, concentration quirks, intrusive thoughts, ritualistic behaviors, anxieties, phobias, and so on don’t match an existing diagnosis, that’s okay.

34

Yes. Its ok.
It’s ok to be a weirdo.

If I’m nuero-diverse its more because mechanical problems that has turned into a real fear in my head

I have rituals, I’ve set for myself.
I try really hard not burden others, in reality I do cause others consternation. That is its own anxiety.

Vicious cycle.

35

That’s pretty much how I think about it too. A diagnosis can be useful, but there’s so much overlap and variation that it doesn’t really tell you very much. And even if you don’t fit a particular diagnosis but just have some features of it, you can still get useful advice and a better understanding of yourself from other people with similar issues.

There’s a term ‘broader autism phenotype’ intended to include all the nerdy sort of people who have autistic traits but aren’t necessarily diagnosable, which can be useful here.

36

Yes. I think you’re very right about that. I’m glad you like the chart! (And, @Left_Hand_of_Dorkness, I was trying to figure out where I’d seen it before – a couple of places, but now I realize one of those places was you, sorry for not giving you credit!)

37

Oh boy, my priors on you being on the spectrum just went way up. When my kid was diagnosed, rigidity was the big thing that was cited (though in her case it manifests differently).

About anxiety: My daughter had crippling social anxiety where it would almost give her a panic attack to ask another person a question. Her therapist strongly suggested a low dose of medication. She’s on the lowest dose possible of an SSRI and it’s like she’s a different kid. She still has the anxiety but it’s the difference between “I can’t ask about this and will have a panic attack if you make me” and “It’s not my favorite thing to do, but I can do it.” I am actually hoping that now that she’s building the pathways in her brain that she can actually do these things and have good results from them, that we will be able to take her off the medication. We’ll see!

I do believe that her anxiety is related to the ASD, but more in the sense of an underlying “I really hate being wrong!!” kind of anxiety. Treating the anxiety really had not a lot to do with treating her ASD (except that the therapist who was used to working with ASD kids could name it for what it was, which other people in her life, including me, could not), and I think your instincts are good that treating that anxiety may be the important step here.

Wait. This is me, except the spontaneous thing (and I’m very willing to do things spontaneously, I just often don’t because I’m lazy, lol). I have to go think about this now.

38

Oh, I’m lazy too. I included that because I think it’s a common assumption that people with ASD all need to stick rigidly to a routine and are unwilling to do anything spontaneous. I’ve seen people on autism forums say they refuse to go to any social event unless they are invited several days in advance, for example.

39

Well that… describes me, to some extent. I need some time to adjust to the idea of doing the thing.

If it’s the same day, forget it.

If it’s the next day, it depends on the thing, but I’ll feel at least some sense of frustration.

This is complicated my the way my husband will nudge me out the door. “You don’t have to come, but I would like you to come” is his go-to pitch and this usually guilts me into it. He did this recently with the nightmarish farm field trip and even though I had plenty of advance warning I hated it as much as I expected to.

Fortunately with adult lives being how they are, I don’t have friends doing things at the last minute. What’s more likely are people cancelling at the last minute. If it’s something I was really looking forward to, I’ll feel some disappointment, but it won’t bother me in the same way.

This is how I feel about diagnosis. It’s useful because once you have a diagnosis or at least a clue where to look, you have access to a vast body of research about how to address that particular constellation of symptoms. You might also have a sense of community. There’s something that self-diagnosis can’t do: differential diagnosis. If someone is uncomfortable around people it could be social anxiety and it could be autism or something else and the approaches to dealing with it could be radically different.

In my case, a lot of these adult autism screening tools have a significant number of false positives for people with social anxiety. And it’s entirely possible those things could be comorbid and you just don’t know until you see a specialist.

I spent some time in the AuDHD Women sub and they are nice and all but I wouldn’t exactly call it rigorous. Interestingly, a surprising number of them had Borderline mothers and PTSD. Which makes me wonder if growing up in that sort of environment can look like autism.

But like, one lady thinks she’s psychic and anytime anyone reports that their doctor ruled out autism, it’s a flood of responses about how that doctor just doesn’t understand and you need a second opinion.

Which AGAIN, I would think an autistic person would be more concerned with the truth than rationalizing away an unwanted diagnostic result.

Even identifying themselves as “CPTSD.” Which is complex, repeated trauma. It’s not in the DSM. I don’t identify as having CPTSD because it’s not in the DSM. I have PTSD. Every expert in PTSD I’ve ever talked to has explained that repeated trauma is the default anyway so PTSD is perfectly serviceable. A special name is not necessary.

I’m suspicious.