Though not a one of you out there in the SDMB world knows of my existence, I’ve laughed and I’ve cried with you through the years….laughed at your misadventures and cried at your brilliant wit. I was quite comfortable in that anonymity (OMG is that borderline stalker?) and so I’ve never felt the need to have an input, not that I would have had much to share amongst the existing multitude of personalities and knowledge base.
However, things have gotten to the point where I need to tell someone/everyone of my situation.
I went travelling for 2 years and on my return have discovered that I have lost all of my friends (either through a mystery institution called marriage or that our personalities have strayed onto different paths), the initial dislike for my job is fast becoming an intense loathing for it and am utterly suffocated at home by my family’s ideals and expectations but especially by my mother’s love and care. One would think, easy solution: just move out, go travel again.
But unfortunately nothing in life is as easy as it sounds.
My mother has suffered and survived an astounding life, one full of heartache. As a result, she is suffering from an extreme emotional dependence on the family and particularly me (the unmarried, calm and understanding child that I am). What she needs is constant affirmation of our love, what I want is my independence and, due to our cultural and generation gap, it is mutually exclusive in my situation. Added to this, she is becoming less and less mobile and in a lot of physical pain (always has been but more so in the last few months). I feel guilty that despite all the advantages that my parents have worked to give me in my life I don’t appreciate it like I should, I feel guilty that would rather be half way across the world than to be with them, I feel guilty that my problems are to me more significant than theirs, I feel guilty that I resent them for holding me back, and I am ashamed that I don’t try harder to make life here more amenable.
I don’t really know what to do.
I’m not sure if this posting has turned out to be a cry for help or an attention seeking post for a newbie but it was initially only meant to be a dumping ground for the ramblings of a confused soul.
I guess it serves just as well as an introduction of myself.
Soullessness
Giving love and care to a person who needs it, especially someone who is at the end of their life, is a journey too, and it can be quite a remarkable and enriching one.
Also, being with your mother and having your own life need not be that mutually exclusive. You have a job, so I assume she doesn’t need your attendance 24/7. What sort of charities/clubs/volunteer organizations are in your area? As well as giving you an independent purpose in your life, this is a fabulous way to make new friends.
How much other family do you have in the area? The more connected you can make your mother with them (if possible), the better off you all are. If you can, I would start organizing family get togethers as much as possible, say once a week. There’s nothing like regular, pleasant, non-stressful contact to pull a family together.
I’m trying, but i’m finding it really hard to cope. It’s difficult for me to express my feelings with any clarity of expression when I speak to my mother (she’s Vietnamese and my ability to manipulate the language is on about the same level as a 10 yr old (12 on my good days). So I just try to listen to her talk, I try to tell her to enjoy what she does have (the family at the very least) rather than reminise the past, but it’s hard when she will forever see me as a kid (vocabulary doesn’t help!) and that I want nothing more than to have fun and that I know nothing about the finer points of what real life entails (the suffering part). I feel extremely sad, frustrated and useless around her. Now I know what it feels like to be impotent.
The sad thing is that I do think that what I am doing is only for a short time, but part of me feels as though because I think like that I am wishing for her death sooner…I wonder what then will become of my morals?
Unfortunately, one of the biggest problems stem from our extended family, hence her dependence on the rest of us, and it’s been a big plus for us not to get entangled in it, my grandfather recently passed away and even that solumn event caused trouble.
No she doesn’t need 24/7 my father is there to help, but he’s not 100% well either. But my mother being a typical (or not) female and very sensitive about people not caring for her can get pretty upset over very little things. She also has the tendency to drag things back from 40 years past.
I’ve started taking painting classes, but I sometimes feel its only a momentary distraction. Everything feels superficial.
Maybe I’ll look into the clubs/charities and stuff.
I wouldn’t worry so much about your morals at present–the fact that you are concerned about any of this points you in the “right” direction, IMO.
Let’s see what you can do to help your situation concretely. (I am assuming you can mindfuck-ahem, sorry-any topic just fine on your own).
You could learn and improve your Vietnamese–that would do 2 things. It would improve communication between you and your mother, but it would also show her that you truly respect her (and her heritage, which is also yours).
You could look for a new job.
You could join a church, health club, photography club, knitting circle–I dunno what your interests are–but you do. Find out what resources are available in your area. Community colleges and libraries are good places to start.
Devote some time each day to just YOU. I dont’ care if it’s 10 minutes or 2 hours–spend some time with just you, doing something you enjoy: reading, writing poetry, drawing–something creative.
Rereading my post, it may sound like I am minimizing your turmoil. I didn’t intend that. It’s a difficult situation, to be sure.
Go slow, be easy on yourself. Remember, any progress is progress.
I would go with what elanorrigby says. And remember, you’re not abnormal or a horrible feeling for resenting what fate has gotten you into. How you deal with it is ultimately what’s important.
Don’t worry you are in no way minimising my problems, it’s nice to get advice from an objective source.
Sometimes it only by doing that that you get some perspective of the whole thing, rather than constantly wallowing in one’s own misery…which at times I do think is a trait I relish having a little too much