need some wisdom

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I am new to this message board (also my first time using a board that wasn’t directed at music or pc tech specifically, never found a community of so many intelligent people who are…. Well…. Just straight dope!)…

I guess this post will introduce me to the forum, so I guess it is, in a way, appropriate that I am just going to be going on and on about myself, I will try not to make it too long to read. I hate to start out by doing the crybaby thing, but some things are happening in my life and I don’t know where to turn.

I have many of the problems Soapbox Monkey has, I appreciate the advice you have given him, and vicariously, me. I have additional, in my mind, way more serious worries happening though (Haha, I am not going to go back and delete that last sentence but I guess my problems can’t be more serious than anyone else’s since we all are a universe within ourselves). But since this is going be some sort of psychological exam, maybe it will be easiest for me first to describe myself a bit before I talk about the situation.

I grew up in a rural area, southern Minnesota, middleclass family, one sister who is seven years older. I really don’t have a strong relationship with anyone in my family, my dad was just plain emotionally abusive (and I pretty much came to hate him), sis was too old to really want to play with me or anything, but we are ok, just feels like we don’t even know each other. Ahh mom… I feel the unconditional love there (maybe?), on the bright side. On the down side, I still feel really detached from her, something hurts somehow. I am completely not open around her, we rarely hug, I find it difficult to say I love you, even to converse really. I think this is my fault, but I also believe things would have been so much different if dad was out of the picture and my mom raised me alone (a prospect that came up seemingly daily). Whew Glad that part is over with!

Well, I turned 18 (20 now BTW, male) with lots of geeky obsessions behind me (and more to come). I was also experiencing the first love thing with this brilliant and beautiful girl, an absolute dream experience. It couldn’t have been better, so I guess I got lucky there (well Soap Box Monkey, if you are reading, lucky isn’t actually the word, I borrowed Keroac’s On the Road from her. I was amazed with the book, and with her at that point. Her number was in the book in case it ever got lost. Soap Box Monkey, calling her was seriously one of the hardest things I HAVE EVER DONE. It was worth it). I had collegiate ambitions to double major in philosophy and political science, I was constantly reading the philosophy books at the time. I had worked a lot in high school and saved a lot of money, not nearly enough for tuition (University of Minnesota). So the second I got my diploma from high school I bought a plane ticket to Alaska and brought a tent and a backpack. I left because I seriously did not want to live at my parents’ house one more second than I had to, and I have this weird adventurer kick inside me anyway (remember I dug the Keroac). It was hard to leave my girl but she actually works at a summer camp in northern Minnesota anyway. We were going to be freshmen in college together the next year, so we had to miss each other just for the summer. Anyway, all my high school buddies thought it was dumb, my parents thought it was dumber. I came back after the summer with $6,000 (worked my ass off!) and I could go to college debt-free at this point. My experience up there was my favorite ever BTW. I was very happy all around. My parents had gotten divorced while I was away. This didn’t affect me at all really; I always thought they should have. It only created a giant WTF??? They stayed together just for me!!! I went to college, got good (really good) grades. I took school very seriously (I never had before) because it was coming out of my pocket. I also have a love of learning; I had just never applied myself before college. Well, my girl and I of course eventually broke up (it was the kind of first love where we actually BELIEVED that we would have a cabin in the woods together for all time, that kind of thing). That was really depressing but I just studied a lot and got over it. At this point I was well into college and I hadn’t made any friends (BTW I have 4 high school friends, very good friends, we hug and kiss when we greet, which an EXTREMELY weird thing to do in Minnesota. So in other words, we were an island. I loved the island, I ignored everyone else). Yada yada yada, I ran out of money, was depressed and friendless, so I left college after a year and half. Since then I have been moving all over this state working various jobs, now I am in Minneapolis and one of my great high school friends moved here as well. I have been making movies, I am writing a script for this low-budget feature that we will film this summer, and I am a killer (bedroom) DJ.

I am sorry for writing all this down, I just don’t know what is important and what is not for you guys to get to know me.

The problem is that these great friends of mine have all grown up, matured faster than me. I have absolutely no social skills, and for the first time it actually is starting to matter within the group (You should see me outside the group!) I never saw this coming; I thought it was friends forever. It is true that after all we have been through; I have never completely opened myself up. Now I am starting to get made fun of for it, in a way that excludes me from the group. After a terrible road trip I thought it was just over and I felt a depression worse than breaking up with my first love. My friends have since made it clear to me that I’m crazy if I think they don’t want me in their lives. Tonight we all finally met again in one place, after they made many phone calls to me. For five minutes it was great. Then I do some social skill poorly, for example, I may drift off into my own world for a second and miss what someone says, or I “eavesdrop” on a conversation that is not “meant” for me. We are all sitting in the same room. I seriously cannot help this; I do not know what to do. As soon as there are some laughs (unspoken but directed at me), I clam up completely, and soon I just had to leave. Mind you, I understand the problem a little, and when I try as hard as I can, I can “hang out” at least a little bit. It’s like I can see the road to becoming the person that I want to be, but it very long, and very hard for me. I think I have to develop some social skills that others did a long time ago. But it also seems to me that my friends should accept me for who I am now, and support me as I try to become this other person. One of these guys does this perfectly, he is like a saint. Because it’s going to take a long time, and not happen over night. BTW, the progress I have already made is respectable, I would say. But you would not believe how far I have to go. I can’t do it without these guys support it doesn’t seem. So my other choice is to be this lonely artist, expressing myself through art only and not socially. This is a fate I have resigned myself to in many ways by never being completely open with anyone in the first place. I know what it would be like to live this life, and I would have lots of depression for sure.

Also, as this up and coming DJ, I have met a whole community of people that I have tried to hang out with but always fail in similar ways. Maybe I interrupt someone, or I space out at the wrong time. The results are horrible. Don’t get me wrong, no one is saying, “Hey man, we dislike you.” No I am actually really nice and easy to get along with, its just that I cannot interact on this adult level. Its like I’m not bringing anything to the table, but its also like I can see the solution. Sometimes I can make someone laugh, or tell a good story, or see what someone else needs and give it to them. So I know what to do, its just such a long path. And now it seems again that these great friends of mine won’t be there to support me any longer. So like I said, it looks like I will be spending all my time alone, which in many ways is fine (I can’t get bored). But there will be lots more depression than otherwise.

With girls the story is even stranger. I am so shy, a real case. A long time ago I just decided that I would never get any girls, so I decided to ignore them completely. This took about a year to perfect (until then I was still sending out a needy vibe, because I was… well… still needy). But now somehow I got to the point where I don’t need them, and that is the vibe I am sending out. It’s crazy, but now they flirt with me like never before. I have had lots of girls just stare me down in clubs, and even one eXXXtreme proposition, and really everything in between. All in like a month. Before that I got no attention whatsoever. When a girl is hitting on me, this is an absolute new one for me I have never experienced something more unsettling. I just want to teleport home. Every time I have managed to say I am not interested, once I said I had a girlfriend. When they are looking at me I never make eye contact, and to stay calm I just sing a song in my head and this will always put a smile on my face, which in turn makes them want me more or something because they see I can have fun by myself (and I can, I am truly never bored). Anyway this is just crazy, I don’t know how to not do what I am doing and talk to these girls.

Wow, if anyone made it this far I that is so cool, I know how boring that must have been, it feels alright to get some of this out.

Maybe I should add a few things:

In middle school when it was all about being cool, I got dropped from the group, literally in the you can’t sit at this lunch table way. I KNOW this was a defining moment for me, I don’t know how to reduce its importance in my mind now.

Yeah, I get really good at things, but I never am willing to admit that I’m genuinely deserved of anything. Like I was a chess nerd for a while when I was 15 and 16. If I won a tournament, I would never feel like, wow, I worked so hard, and it paid off, I am proud of myself. For some reason I would think like, well, I only won because I worked so hard. I am not actually better than these people.

It’s the same with DJing, I can’t tell if I am really good because I have some talent, or if I have just worked so hard and I am a fraud. Is there a difference?

It’s true I never really judge anyone though, so that’s good. Even hicks, when I am looking them in the eye, they are just as good as me. That’s the upside of some weird logic that I have.

I know that the things that I am most scared of is that I am not smart and I am not creative. This must have lead me to beleive that if I open my mouth everyone will know it. I would like to know if my friends actually think I’m smart, but I would never ask them. Of couse lots of people have said it, of course my friends too. It seems I can never beleive a compliment.

If anyone has read this far and wants to help me sort out my brain I would love you for it.

2

I’m not really in a position to talk about the rest of your concerns, but this here: there’s no difference. It doesn’t matter how you get there if the results are good. You can put that one to rest.

And welcome to the SDMB!

3

Now this is really cool. I mean it.
It takes alot of courage to recognize you want to change something in yourself and even more courage to go the next step to spilling your soul to a bunch of faceless strangers is near heroic, in my book. Most people, you will discover, are scared to death of change. In 15 years you will slap your hand to your forehead ( from your Fortune 500 CEO office seat) and say, " Oh Christ, where did I get the balls to do that!"

Don’t worry about being a geek. Geeks run the world,bookbuster. Everyone wants to be Joe Suave Muscly Guy/Svelte Hot Chick With Bouncy Hair, but even they need tech assistance to get their VCR’s to stop flashing 12.

[Captain Jack Sparrow]The only rules that really matter are these – what a man can do and what a man can’t do. But geek is in your blood, boy, so you’ll have to square with that someday. [/CJS]
It is perfectly normal to be depressed and hopeless after running out of money. As the folks in Hollywood would would say, " This would be a great time to write a screenplay." :slight_smile:

As for having a hot gal hit on you and just how unsettling it is, when you figure out what your goal is and who you are and all those other Life’s Little Imponderables then you won’t find yourself so " Yikes…Pretty Girl at 12 O Clock. Defcon 1. Launch the fighter planes!" mode. Because what is going on in your mind ( yes, your mind) is that niggling sense of zero self esteem that you are not worthy of a hot chick hitting on you. When, in reality, the hot chick has just proven that point wrong. She (or the random Hot Chick Du Jour) sees in you what you don’t see in yourself yet. But you will. We all blossom at different times.
The people you think are Cooler than Cool, are just fumbling through this Absurdity we call Life. They are just having a good moment in a public place, whilst the rest of us mere mortals usually have good moments all by ourselves with only our pets as witnesses. and our pets secretly mock us.

Take the negativity of " Oh Dear God, what Fark Up am I going to endure right now and how will I Flub it and why can’t I just die a painful death rather endure this right now?" every person in the world has had this thought. Now it is your turn. and turn it into " This is seemingly disaster lurking on the horizon is actually a lesson waiting to be learned."

and …do this…right now. ** Get Over High School **and all of it’s embarrassing, esteem crushing moments. That is negative energy. You can either evolve from the primordial ooze jokingly referred to as Formal Schooling or you can stay the same and never change, never grow your own legs and breath from something other than your mouth, learning to walk on your own.
It is learning to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and say, " What have I learned from this experience? What is my game plan now?" that will make the difference.

Welcome to the boards!
{And my usual disclaimer: If any of this made sense, I swear, it is by accident.}

4

Bookbuster, I am intrigued by your post, your expressiveness. All of my comments are just my opinions and you should trust your own judgment as to whether what I say is right or wrong.

It is not entirely unusual to hate a parent. Sometimes it is even a healthy response, especially if that parent never shows any approval for who we are. Maybe someday that relationship will get better, maybe not. You don’t have to concern yourself with that right now.

I admire you for your awesome guts in just picking up and heading for Alaska. That is so cool! New settings and new experiences heal, change, mold and refine.

It is difficult to know what is going on among you and your friends. For right now, I would take them at their word that they care for you. Sometimes we can tease and laugh at only those friends we feel the most comfortable with.

But there will come a time for moving on and new friendships. Sometimes the old ones remain a part of our lives and sometimes they don’t. Don’t look upon that as a reflection of your worth.

You seem to overlook your own strengths. You say that you are not creative, but you are working on a script and a movie. Have you thought about looking into the Sundance Institute’s programs for novices needing a leg up? (Just do a Google on “Sundance Institute.”)

Use your own angst and even the depression in creating a script. You could even start with your original post.

You say that you know this person that you want to become, but the pathway is very long. Give yourself credit for knowing what you eventually want. Then ask yourself what is so different about this person from the person you are now. Is it external things such as money, cars, a big home? Or is it internal matters of character and confidence?

Make a list of every place that you want to go in your life, everything you want to do and see.

Make another list of every quality you want to develop within yourself.

Make a list of the things that you like about yourself.

Put these lists somewhere where you will not lose them and you will see them often. Choose one from each list to focus on for the time being.

Don’t think about how long the pathway is. Every time you do that, focus your attention theoretically on the tips of your toes – the next step – the moment at hand.

Stop some of the negative speech that goes on inside your head. Go back and reread your post. Look at how often you put yourself down. Every time you catch yourself doing that, replace the negative thinking and self-talk with something more reasonable: “Hey, forget it. You’re human. Nobody’s perfect.” (That sort of thing.)

I’m not sure what social graces that you are lacking. If you feel that you have fallen behind, do a search at Amazon for a contemporary book for young people on considerate behavior. (There are some that are even humorous.)

While you are there, look for a copy of The Tracker by Tom Brown. Just a hunch that you will like it.

And it strikes me that you could use someone to help you think through things and gain some insight. A few sessions with a psychologist would be in order. You want to be certain that your depression is not organically based also.

There is more to you than you think. I can see it in what you have written. Inquire Within

5

Welcome to the SDMB!

You sound like a really cool guy. You sound as if you have yourself pretty much together with a clear idea of your life.

However, it seems that your father’s voice is playing a “beat up bookbuster” tape in your head. As Zoe mentioned, you put yourself down quite a bit. Could this be your father talking, not you?

Some of the things your mentioned, like the social skills and the lack of physical affections shown towards family sound awfully familiar. For me, this was a symptom of my depression. You need to get that checked and rule out the possibility that you are a depressed person. It felt perfectly natural to me while I was in that state, to be so detatched from my family and from life in general that I just kinda floated along.
You assume that your friends are maturing more rapidly than you. You assume that people will think you are not creative, you assume that people will think you are stupid. From your post, I can say without reservation that none of these things are even close to the truth. You seem to have very low self esteem and are your own worst enemy right now.

Look at what you have accomplished!
At your age, I (and many others of my generation) didn’t have a clue. But look at you! You are writing a screen-play, you left your family and went to Alaska, you put yourself through 1-1/2 years of college with no outside help, you broke away from an unhappy family life, you have friends who are trying to help you, you know what you want and you are not afraid to work hard to get it. You have a wonderful future ahead of you!

Get to a doctor, now. Check out the depression thing.

6

Book buster, you remind me of me to be honest. :slight_smile:

I used to have little confidence in myself and have always felt like I never quite fit in with my family as well. The first thing you can do is simply accept the way you feel about your family. There is no law that says you have to love them and (from the sounds of it) have not grown up warped because of it. Next, listen to what people are saying about you and let it sink in. I never thought I was funny or talented until my girlfriend and her family beat it into my head. If girls are hitting on you, and people like your abilities as a dj, accept it you dumbass. :rolleyes: There are guys that would do truly unspeakable things (such as appearing on fox) to be in your shoes.

Lastly, I would recommend getting a book on tai chi or yoga so you can practice it at home. Anything that involves concentration and relaxation will help you greatly. The social problems you have seem to be caused by anxiety. Once you figure out how to calm yourself down, you should be fine.

Hope that helps

7

Hey Book. It looks like I’m not the only poster drawn in by SoapBox.

What’s this about you getting $6000 in Alaska? Tell me me about that! I’ve alwaysed wanted to visist that place.

8

Low self esteem is a real killer.

It hurts many people. Its hurt me before and continues to hurt me some to this day. Its one of those strange things. You don’t suddenly wake up with it one morning. It sneaks up on you bit by bit. Reenforced by events and people along the way. Its damn hard to get rid of when it comes home to roost down deep within you. That sinking feeling in you. That voice that tells you - “You aren’t worth anything. You aren’t good enough. You are useless.” It keeps you down and keeps you from doing so many things.

Oh yeah, I’ve had that feeling and still do sometimes. My reasons for it are different than yours. The reasons for it vary from person to person. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sap the “life” right out of you.

I read your post…and I have something to say.

You - yes you - are somebody.

Let me say that again.

YOU ARE SOMEBODY!! YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING!! YOU HAVE TALENT, SKILL AND BRAINS!!

The trick is - you have to believe that. You have to accept it. You have to know it. All those voices and feelings you have inside you trying to tell you otherwise. Prove them wrong!!!

I hope you understand. I’m not yelling at you here. I’ve suffered from this myself. Its not unsual. You can overcome it. It takes time and work. But, it can happen. I’m pullin’ for ya. :slight_smile:

9

Nononono, no money here to be had. New law says all money earned here must be spent here, then haul your sorry broke ass back where you came from. :stuck_out_tongue:

Book - my only advice: more paragraph breaks, please. Long, rambling discourses cause poor Cheffie’s eyes to cross.