I’m glad that this forum is now free, as I’d hate to have you guys pay to read my drivel (even though I’ve posted similar threads before, but I digress).
In short, I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall in my life, at 23. I’m working a decent-paying, but dead-end job that I’m completely bored of. My social skills suck, and my social life is comparatively sucky. I feel completely inadequate when it comes to many topics of conversation or anything requiring skill-sets outside my very limited talents.
Essentially, my biggest fear is that who I am now is who I’ll be forever, regardless of how much effort I may (or may not) put into change.
I guess at the crux of all this is my lacking social skills. I don’t get it; it looks so easy for others, but I have trouble striking up simple conversations, or hell, even maintaining one. Granted, there is the rare occasion where the planets align and the moon is full when I’ll actually be able to engage someone in a decent conversation, and (god willing) come across as gasp competent (well, within reason), but these events are way too seldom to be of note. And I know people say “practice will make you better,” but it’s not like I don’t talk to people at work…why haven’t I gotten better at that? And this is why I fear I may just be fundamentally broken.
Even worse, when I do make the effort to go outside my comfort zone (such as going to a party that I would normally skip…which I also don’t get invited to very often anyway), I’m usually reminded why I avoid said situations in the first place (I suck at conversing, and generally fear talking to people I don’t know). But, wait, it gets better! Although I say that I “want to get better socially,” I wonder if that’s really the case…I mean, my social batteries seem to run dry quickly and as such, I’ll sometimes even avoid meeting with the few local friends I do have. I mean, why should I go see them when I can sit on my ass and write long messages about why my life is so depressing…yeah, so hopefully you see my problem.
I’ve wanted to post this thread for a while, but I kept putting it off as I do most things in my life (lack of motivation is another problem I often have to deal with…or not, as it were). But for whatever reason, the stories I’ve heard from my roommates and coworkers got to me. Every time I hear about the parties they go to or who they hooked up with, serves as a reminder of the failure that is my life. Yeah, I’m making decent bucks…big fucking deal. When I can barely talk to girls, let alone date them, the amount of money I have seems rather inconsequential. Though perhaps ironically, I’m guessing I’ll need said money in order to (hopefully?) enhance the aspects of my life that desperately need enhancing (unless I’m mistaken, which would be sweet).
Which leads me to my job. I dropped out of community college (after about 2 years) for what was then my dream job. Well, the dream didn’t last long. It pays well, but I’m bored out of my mind doing what it is I do. I’ve since applied for a similar job elsewhere (which I’ve posted about), though I only did so to hopefully make even more money in the interim (interim between what, I have no idea). Though I know that if I do switch companies, it would only be bandaid on the gushing wound that is my life. I already know that what I’m doing now is not what I want to do forever. So what do I want to do? I have no idea, though I’m seriously considering going back to school to take film courses, but I don’t even know where to start when looking into that, and I’m not sure I can even motivate myself enough to find out…ugh.
I feel like I’m wasting my life. It can’t be healthy to pretty much stay at home all day, except when I work. I’m afraid that my complete lack of a social life will linger with me forever, and that’s not a life that I want to live (don’t worry, that’s not a hidden suicide message or anything). And to be completely honest, I am growing increasingly upset (maybe not the word I’m looking for, but it’s the first that came to mind) at my inability to get a girlfriend. The one thing most guys strive for, I’m completely incapable of doing…23 years and counting. Granted, I also don’t really go anywhere where I could meet girls, which is undoubtably a large part of the problem.
So what am I looking for by posting this? I have no clue. I honestly don’t, but I had to put my thoughts somewhere, as I don’t really have anyone else to confide to. I’m sorry if I wasted your time, much like I’ve wasted much of mine…