Help me get a freaking life!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

<rant>

Hi.

Help me, would ya? Anyone. I don’t know what to do.

I’m 21 and I’m a complete failure at this little game called life. Long story short: I’ve always been socially inept, but things have been okay in the past since at least I had a few friends from school. Then I moved to a new town a year ago and since then, I haven’t been able to make a single new friend. Now I’m stuck in a situation where I have near-zero human contact (certainly zero meaningful contact), and the only people I interact with are those that I’m forced to deal with (professors, restaurant cashiers, gas station attendants, etc.). The boredom and loneliness are driving me crazy, but despite my best efforts, I haven’t been able to maintain a relationship for longer than 5-10 minutes. I can talk to people fine for the first few minutes, then we soon reach a moment of silence and they walk away, never to be heard from again.

And I know the reason. I’m an extremely, undeniably, frighteningly boring guy. The moment I open my mouth to speak, my victim’s eyelids start getting droopy. They start yawning after I finish my first sentence, and by the time we reach the 5-minute mark, they’re already dreaming – of the end of the conversation, no doubt. Fortunately for them, that’s also about the time I run out of things to say, so they seize the opportunity to conveniently “have to go” and leave. I’m so boring I can feel the energy draining out of people every moment I’m with them. I’d consider a career in hypnosis, but I’m afraid I’d never be able to wake them up again.

I suppose the root cause of all this is the simple fact that I have nothing to offer anyone. I don’t know how to talk to people, and honestly, I don’t think I would have anything interesting to say even if I did know how.

Anyway… college is supposed to be one of the better times in a guy’s life, but for me, so far it’s been completely flat. Every day after class, I get some dinner and then I just spend the rest of the night at Starbucks sitting around. Then I go home, go to sleep, and the cycle repeats the next day. On the weekends, sometimes I watch a movie by myself and then spend an hour or two driving around the empty streets by the theater. Exciting, innit?

It’s been like this for at least two years and at two different colleges. I can’t remember the last time I did anything with a friend – or at least a friend that I didn’t imagine myself. It’s suffocating and I just want out.

So, the point of this rant? I just want to get a fscking life. I’m not here to beg for sympathy; I’d just like some advice on what I can do to get my act together and start to lead a semi-regular existence. You know, the kind that involves… doing things. Things that the fabled “normal people” do. All I want are some regular friends and some regular activities. I’m sick of being like this and I want to change, but I don’t know how to start. Any help would be appreciated.

If you’ve listened this far… thanks. And remember, I’m always around if you have trouble falling asleep!

</rant>

2

Oh, and I just wanted to add: If anyone’s going to respond, please be as frank as you’d like and say directly whatever you want to say. Don’t sugarcoat anything. Feel free to tell me what a loser I am or anything else you can think of. I don’t care how harsh it is; I just want some help.

Thanks.

3

Can you make yourself less boring? Haven’t you taken any interesting classes, trips, or joined any clubs yet? If you’re twenty-one, you have to have done *something * interesting in your lifetime. If you found someone with similar interests to you, then you could talk about that until you got to know each other more. Maybe you’re selling yourself short by going into the conversation with the belief that the person won’t be interested in anything you have to say. If you can make five minutes of small talk, then that should give you enough time to think of a question to ask the other person, so that they can talk for awhile. Obviously, don’t ask too many questions like you’re interviewing them or something.

What, exactly, do you mean by this? Are you shy, or do you misunderstand social cues, or are you nervous? How did you get the friends you had before?

4

I don’t know? The classes I’ve taken were just regular ones required by the system plus a few electives. Nobody in any of the classes were interested in talking to me for more than a few minutes, and none of those discussions lasted past the end of class. As for trips and clubs, well, I’ve been on/in a few that I liked, but once they ended, I was right back where I started. In other words, they were very temporary getaways.

I may be 21, but I’ve lead a very bland life. I spent way too much time online and I have none of the social skills a regular person my age should have.

That’s the hard part for me. Because I never really did anything with my life, I don’t have any real interests or even many experiences to share. I try very hard to make smalltalk (I’m not terribly good at it, but I try), but I get the feeling that the other person always realizes that I’m only making smalltalk and so they walk away as soon as the smalltalk ends – like they realize there’s nothing more to me (which would be true, heh).

I’m not shy. I used to be, perhaps, but I’m definitely not anymore. Social cues? Hell, I’m so inept I don’t even see them, much less have the opportunity to misunderstand them. I’m not nervous, either… just flat-out boring. It’s like I realize I’m nobody and so I talk to people in a sort of transparent, nondescript, bored-telemarketer fashion that understandably puts them off.

The friends I had before… well, I went to a combined kindergarten-to-high-school facility, so most of the friendships were multi-year ones from when I was younger. They all ended once college started.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is: I realize that I have to make myself less boring, but I have no idea how to do so.

5

The next job I’ll be assigned to may very well be to sit in an office with humming servers for six hours a day. I am fine to talk people. but at least you have the chance to meet them.

I will note that I got bored reading through your post. I would recommend try interjecting more humor and being more succint and original. Try and work good comebacks into your daily speach from movies. “Just give me a moment while I pull that out of my ass.” is always a good one, and useful for many instances.

6

Alone in an office that is. :smack:

7

Ah, that’s a better question.

Willpower. Decide that you’re going to be more flamboyant, more adventurous, know more random juck, etc. and will yourself towards that. Just deciding what sort of person you want to be is going to be a good step.

Personality is ingrained by genetics and upbringing and whatnot, but there is no reason to think that it is necessary to keep that nor that it can’t be rewritten by conscious choice.

Anyhoo, good luck.

8

Are you the same mr. Reply who started the thread “I need a chicken suit?” If so, hey, how boring can you be? Everything is fun with chicken suits!

Anyway, I’m not sure what to add here, except that I second the earlier posters in that you should try to be more outgoing, and that when it comes to being more at easy socially, I have three words for you: Practice, practice, practice. You’ll just have to jump in on the deep end and start talking to people. A lot. After a while, it’ll start getting easier, and you’ll start getting more positive responses.

I also want to say I feel for you, being pretty much a nincompoop in social situations myself. 21 is a sucky age to feel like that. Personally, I didn’t have a friend in the world until I was about 17, when I struck lucky. I’m now 26, and the very few friends I have now are still the ones I met at that point. Since then, people, girlfriends included, have come and gone, but except for one pretty serious relationship with a girl that lasted for a few years (and I’m not sure if that counts as friendship), no one seems to stick beyond the most superficial. I didn’t make a single friend in college either. By now I’m old enough to have accepted myself as an antisocial bastard that scare people off, and I’m somehow OK with that. I guess that’s not what you need to hear, though. :wink:

I’m not sure I completely agree with the advice to change yourself too much, though. One thing that can be a problem is that when you try to please everyone to become friends with them, you can turn into a “social chameleon”, too concerned with being whoever you think people want you to be, and end up losing yourself in the process. I know all about that. I don’t think you should forget to remain true to yourself. The people who will love you for who you really are will turn out to be the most important ones. Just thought I should mention that.

And, indeed, good luck.

9

Hi, Reply,

Geez, I really feel for you man. Being away at college can be a lonely, sucky experience. I have a few ideas for you to consider:

Do you have anything about which you are, or could be passionate? I mean really, really into? A hobby? a cause? religion? a sport? anything? try pursuing your interest actively (courses, clubs, groups, teams etc.). In doing so you can meet other people with the same interest. When you’re really into something, you dwell less on your own insecuritites, and your enthousiasm makes you more interesting. Just watch out for risk of running on about your interest to other people who may not share it as strongly as you. Some examples from my past: fountain pens, Nelson and the British navy in the Napoleonic wars, cooking, aviation, firearms, Churchill…

About keeping conversations going, I think the secret to making other people enjoy taking to you is not so much being interesting yourself, but being really interested in the other person, getting them to talk about themselves, and making them feel like you are genuinely facinated by what they are saying. Try googling “active listening” and learn the technique of paraphrasing/summarising back what someone has just told you. It will make them feel great about talking to you. Try to think of other people as being an opportunity to learn someting neat.

Finally, next time you go back, ask people you trust and who know you back home, but maybe not your parents (parents are not always very objective about their kids) maybe some childhood buddies, coaches, priest/pastor/rabbi, good neighbors, etc if there’s something about your body language or mannersims you may not be aware of that can put people off. For example, I found out people were much more comfortable with me when I stood further away than I was used to doing, and angled my body away a little bit. I’m a bit big, and I would appparently have a tendancy to crowd people and loom a little.

Good luck, hope this helps.

10

[QUOTE=trupa]
Hi, Reply,
About keeping conversations going, I think the secret to making other people enjoy taking to you is not so much being interesting yourself, but being really interested in the other person, getting them to talk about themselves, and making them feel like you are genuinely facinated by what they are saying. Try googling “active listening” and learn the technique of paraphrasing/summarising back what someone has just told you. It will make them feel great about talking to you. Try to think of other people as being an opportunity to learn someting neat.
QUOTE]

I second this heartily! Reading your first post, I noted that you mentioned that you would “run out of things to say”. Don’t say - ask! Trying to learn something from everyone is a great way to have conversations. In the meantime, you’ve learned something that may be an interesting tidbit in a future conversation.

11

Why ask us? I’m sure you can download a life somewhere off the Internet. [/old geek joke]

Seriously, find your interests. Get out there and pursue them. Be passionate about them. And expand on them–try new things, get into new hobbies. Go to the Thai place you’d always heard about, try bungee jumping, get on a surfboard.

You want a life? It’s sitting there, waiting for you to grab it. Take it, in a purely metaphorical sense, by the balls. :slight_smile:

12

Hey, thanks for all the replies so far.

Willpower, eh? Okay, I can always use more of that. Actually, a year ago, I wasn’t talking to anyone at all. No smalltalk, no nuttin’. Then I made the concious decision to change and I did – quite a bit – only problem is, now I can start conversations with people but I can’t make them last.

Succinct, original, funny – sounds good, but how do I pull random quotes out of my ass without sounding like some sort of crazed movie fanatic?

Chicken suit? 'Fraid that’s me :slight_smile: I ended that thread both because I actually found a place and because I realized that I wouldn’t be able to afford one in the end and I didn’t want to disappoint people. Pity, really. The world needs more men in chicken suits. But, I swear, one of these days…

Anyway, I don’t mind practicing conversation, I just wish I had some sort of direction or guidelines to follow. I end up saying the same basic things to everyone I meet currently and I don’t know how to go beyond those basics.

And I’m kinda in the opposite situation from you: I’ve already been that antisocial bastard – I practically grew up in Sage Rat’s little cage of a server farm – and I decided that’s not who I want to be in the long run. So I’m not too afraid of losing myself at the moment; I’m still busy trying to find him (so I can beat some sense into him).

But it’s actually kind of interesting that you simply chose to accept being an “antisocial bastard”. Why is that?

Thanks for the sentiments. Now that you mention it, I think it’s not college so much that bothers me. I’ve just always been this way, to some degree or another, and even the friendships that I did have in the past were extremely shallow. College just highlighted the situation more clearly.

Passion… hmm. It’s been so long since I felt that. I think the last time was when the first Command & Conquer came out. Man, for the first time ever, you could build things without having to put down concrete slabs and dodge sandworms all the time and there was nothing like instant-frying a mammoth tank with a wall of obelisks… heh, see my point? :smiley: The closest thing to a hobby I ever had was computer games, and not only are they a surefire conversation killer – trust me on that – I’m sick of them and I want other interests anyway. But how? I can’t exactly eBay for “passion” (not this kind, anyway) and I’m not sure how to acquire one. Do I just pick a random topic and start obsessing about it? How did you manage to find an interest in… fountain pens?

And I actually do genuinely want to find out more about people and what they have to say, but how can I do that without seeming like I’m probing? I’m creepy enough as it is :slight_smile: Would people even be willing to talk about themselves with complete strangers?

And I’ll definitely ask about the body language thing. Good tip.

And Everyone:

Thanks again. This is indeed helpful and I’m just trying to understand some of those suggestions better.

13

Oh, heck, yes. There’s nothing people love more than getting a chance to talk about themselves. In fact, a lot of people won’t really notice much of what you’re saying no matter how interesting you are, but are mostly just waiting for you to shut up so that it’ll be their turn to speak. :wink: And everybody loves someone who is interested in them.

Now, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with that. That’s just how the human psyche works. So yes, go ahead - ask, inquire, probe.

14

Awesome! You’ve already taken the first, hardest step, gotten into the habit of starting conversations.

I think you don’t realize how much people looooooove to talk about themselves. Start with something simple. “Any plans for this weekend?” “I notice your’e reading The Latest Hot Novel. I was thinking of picking it up. What do you think of it?” “Have you decided what you’re going to do this summer?” Then pay close attention to what they say, and ask followup questions about things that they say that you’re interested in. That’s not being probing, it’s just making conversation. It’s creepy to ask people you don’t know very well about personal issues (health, family, money) but there is a vast territory of safe conversational topics.

Think back to fun conversations you’ve had in the past. The person probably asked you a lot of questions that you answered, and it may have been that you didn’t have to do any “work.” You just answered their questions as they asked them. Did you feel like you were getting probed? Probably not, just that your conversational partner was easy to talk to.

15

Okay, you asked for no-holds barred, so here it is: get up and get off the internet and get out into the real world! You said it in one of your posts - you spend too much time on line, and breaking that is part of the problem.

Don’t know what college you go to, but I find it hard to believe that they don’t have some sort of activities going on most of the time! Get out there to a social event and keep going. The first few times, just observe what is going on, especially how people interact with each other. Then you just have to jump in, sort of like taking the plunge into the deep end of the pool–you’ll learn to at least tread water.

What sort of things do you enjoy doing? Do you like to read and discuss novels? If so, join some sort of book discussion group. Do you like music? You could go to concerts, whether rock or classical. The main thing is to go to things that -you- enjoy so that you’ll meet others who also enjoy them. That gives you at least one common interest. You build on it from there. If you don’t know what you’re interested in, just plunge in and try a variety of events. Go to art shows, go to town/city events like ethnic festivals. Try going to the favorite college hang-outs…be observant the first couple of times, then try meeting people.

It’s hard for me to remember, cause I went to college back in the early '70s! My freshman year was hard for me, but my sophomore year I moved into a co-ed dorm (one of the first on campus then), and that’s how and where and I met most of the friends from my college years. We went to movies together, went to bars together (the drinking age was lowered to 18 at some point there … I know it was, really!). I don’t know if you live in a dorm or not, but surely the dorm has activities going on; meet your dorm mates and get to know them.

Hope this helps you some. Sorry if my info sounds dated, btw…that’s cause some of it probably is, but I think most of it should hold true. Good luck!

16

Thirded! And as you asked, said: “Okay, but how?”, well, there’s a book for everything. Why don’t you make this whole getting better at friend-making thing your new project, something to apply your intelligence to? Start by reading a few books (not just one!), even if it’s just for laughs and wonder.

And untill you have the information to get the social skills rolling, stop hanging out at Starbucks feeling lonely every night. You’re just sitting there rubbing it in. Hell, if me and my big ass’d go out and shop for tiny brighly colored bikini swimsuits every night, I’d get depressed to. :slight_smile:

17

Did you ever try asking if anyone wanted to form a study group for one of your more difficult classes?

I agree with the people who said to ask about the other person. In college, you’ve got several “safe” topics. You, know, “what’s your major/what do you plan to do with it?,” “where are you from/are you going back there when you graduate?”. Ask them to recommend a professor for the intro course of their major.

After you ask someone a question, most people will return the favor. So, be ready with more than a one word answer. Don’t just say “I’m from Hicksville” and end the conversation there. Have a couple of anecdotes or jokes in mind that you can share about your hometown or major. If I’m reading your post correctly, then it’s been a good fifteen years since you made a new friend. Your interactions are going to be forced at first, but things will go more smoothly as you gain more experience.

To find something to be passionate about, try a bunch of different things. Does your school have any gym classes that you could take? Have you seen or heard about anything recently that sounded slightly interesting? Read up on it, and find out more about it. Then, do it! If it doesn’t click, move on to the next thing. Basically do the same thing for yourself that people do for their children, try a wide variety of activities. Stop spending time driving around, and on the computer, and think about more constructive things you could be doing. As a variation on **Podkayne’s ** suggestion, take the latest book out into the quad to read. People love to interrupt other people’s reading time.

18

When you initiate a conversation, try and make it about the other person. People love to talk about themselves, where they’re from, what they do, what they like etc. If you’re shy, getting someone else to talk about themselves relieves you of the burden of thinking of witty things to say. Just ask questions. And keep it light, starting with books, movies music classes, the weather, maybe moving on to personal history, politics etc. “What’s your sexual fetish” isn’t a good ice-breaker.

I’m a pretty boring guy myself, but I’ve met a lot of interesting people using the “interviewer” technique.

19

First, step away from the computer.

Get out and get a hobby. Take up mountain biking, or learn to play guitar, or volunteer at your local Habitat for Humanity. The best way for you to get a life is to go out and live it. No one’s going to hand an amazing, exciting, fulfilling life to you. You have to make it for yourself.

I’m not trying to be snarky to you, by any means. I have a great deal of sympathy for you and I truly want you to be able to accomplish your goals and have a great life and make lots of friends. In fact I think you’re incredibly brave for standing up and saying: I need a change. But don’t fall into the trap of just wanting something and never going for it. I’m twenty-one, and I think I’ve lived a pretty full life. Here’s some of the things I’ve done:

  • Americorps NCCC, where I traveled the USA working on public service projects.
  • Lived in a tent with hippies in the forests in W. VA (Rainbow Gathering).
  • Attended Dopefests in NYC and Baltimore.
  • Partied on Bourbon St. in New Orleans.
  • Participated in the March for Women’s Lives in Washington, DC.
  • Rang in the New Year at Times Square, NYC.
  • Worked on Red Cross Disaster Relief to Florida (2004).

I wasn’t rich, and I didn’t have daddy’s credit card paying for this stuff. I did it all on my own, with a little determination, a little ingenuity, and a lot of luck. I made some incredible friends and some incredible memories I wouldn’t trade for anything. I also got really jet-lagged (one month I was in Florida one weekend, Baltimore the next, Montreal the weekend after that, and NYC the weekend after that). Next month me and my boyfriend are jetting off to Istanbul and Athens, and then onto Israel. I focused on traveling because that’s what I wanted to do, but you should find something you’re into and go for it. I know for a fact it is not impossible. So don’t sit there and think, well it’s different for them, or she must have money to do all that stuff, or I wouldn’t be able to do those things. There is nothing special about me. I just went for what I wanted and took opportunities when they presented themselves.

20

If you can, try getting a part time job to broaden your exposure to different people and situations. Be a host at a restaurant. Work at a video store. Hell, try for that Starbucks you spend so much time in! It’s a way to meet people and hone your conversational skills. You’ll find someone eventually with similar interests, and you’ll strike up a conversation that you walk away feeling good about.