How do I make new friends?

In My Humble Opinion
1

OK, I know that I run the serious risk of making myself sound truly pathetic with my recent posts, especially since I just started posting. At this point in my life, I’m really trying to get myself together. There’s a lot of background history, but the bottom line is…

I don’t have a lot of friends.

At least, not 3-D ones. I have plenty of friends online. Way too many, actually. But as far as people I can call up and say, Hey, wanna catch a movie this weekend? Or, wanna do the lunch thing? I don’t know anyone. There’s a lot of reasons for this, but those reasons are pretty much gone now.

So now, how do I make friends? I’m a 28 year old woman. I am seriously socially impaired. I used to horrendously shy, but that’s improved in conjuction with my self-esteem. People seem to find me likeable (or at least, not instantly hateable), but I can never develop any friendships beyond the “Hi, how are you?” conversations on the elevator.

Any ideas? I don’t belong to a church (and don’t have any intentions of belong to one) so that’s out. Why does it strike me that friendships are a lot like dating??

Anyone have any “friending” advice?

Wow. Do I ever sound sad. LOL

2

If you figure it out let me know!

I’ve been looking for friends for two years now and have concluded I must have a neon sign on my forehead that says “run from me - I am tainted.” We moved two years ago and I have yet to really find any friends. Or anyone who is interested in moving beyond acquaintance to friend. I go to ceramics and scrapbooking classes and take my kids to playgroup and go to aerobics class. I am friendly and seem liked by the people in my circle but not so much that they accept my invitations to get together outside our shared venues. sigh

Ok now I sound pathetic :slight_smile: We can be pathetic together!

3

You’re a woman and you want me to feel bad for you? Try being a guy.

Anyhow (“but that’s improved in conjuction with my self-esteem.”) you seem to have answered your own question.

For me, being a friend to someone else instead of wanting someone to be a friend to me has always paid off because that’s how friends are made…out of selflessness. All of my friends are people who were underdogs at some point.
I’ve helped people who have never helped me back but the ones who have play really important roles in my life now.

So, mow your neighbors lawn once in awhile, bring in their trash can on a windy day, let someone butt in front of you at the grocery store. Of course I don’t know what I’m talking about. I can never have enough friends.

4

You’re 28? Er, just lost this 40-yr old woman as a friend! :smiley:
Kidding, of course — how does one make friends? I suppose that depends on your unique situation, girlfriend. The SDMB is a good place to start.

5

This thread is better suited for In My Humble Opinion. I’ll move it for you.

Cajun Man
for the SDMB

6

Damn. Everyone should write these words down. Fantastic advice, Rooves.
On a more cosmetic level, I’ve found that developing an interest in (or at least knowledge of) as many possible things (music, hobbies, movies, TV, books, etc.) opens the doors to a lot more people than you can realize. I’ve developed friendships with people I never thought I ever would just because I had some (even slight) knowledge (even if not actual interest) of a lot of wacky topics.

Read People magazine, Time, Playboy, your daily newspaper; see lots of movies; watch TV shows you wouldn’t normally watch, see plays, read Cliff’s Notes; check out ESPN.com; start following a sports team; study labor history, 19th-Century American history, or Hip-hop history; go sky-diving.

Studying pop culture is especially easy; it’s easy to find, and everyone is surrounded by it at a certain level. Even if you don’t care about what’s on MTV, or how the Big 10 basketball tournament is going, or what happened on ‘Average Joe’ last night, being able to discuss these things- even a little- opens up your pool of potential friends.

Happy

7

What a one-trick pony you’re becoming! :smiley:

There are no new friends beyond those you made in childhood, I’ve found. Unless, of course, sex is invovled.

OK, that’s too cynical. You make new friends by being a friend to a stranger, or (more rarely) a stranger being a friend to you. You have to focus on not what your country can do for you, as it were, but on what you can do for your country. Help out a stranger in need and you may have made a friend.

C.S. Lewis said friendship has to be about something; a common interest. That’s why people who “just want a friend” are pathetic. That’s not what friendship is. Share a common interest first; friendship may follow.

8

Frank’s sure-fire guide to making new friends:

First, you need a ready supply of body parts. You can get them from the mortuary, get a part time job at the M.E.'s office, or you know just… dig around. Collect the whole set.

Next, you need the appropriate digs. A large castle or mansion in an out-of-the way place will do nicely. It really needs to be on high ground, with an unobstructed view of the sky.

Now, take a crash course in electricity, and install a lot of lightning rods over your castle. Connect these to a power generator, a set of electrodes in the house (properly insulated, of course), and wire them to a hospital bed.

Finally – oops, gotta go, Iggy’s just dropped something in the lab again. I swear, I don’t know where that boy’s brains are.

-Dr. F

9

LOL that is exactly the way I feel. Even when I asked my brother, who has a stunning social life, what his secret was, we realized… All of his friends are those from high school and such.

Trying to think of how to express this properly… I don’t have problems getting along with people at all. I have no issues striking up conversations, finding things in common, etc. If I am in a social situation, I can generally mix and mingle and enjoy myself, entertain those around me, and not make a general fool of myself.

I think part of my problem is that I’m a woman… I can relate to/get along with men, in general, much more easily than I can women. Of course, without rehashing “When Harry Met Sally…”, that rarely leads to the kind of relationship I am open to :wink:

LOL and there’s my other problem. I can never seem to relate to anyone my age.

:confused:

Maybe I’m supposed to be a 45 year old male.

:smiley:

10

You might one to consider the insular nature of online friendships especially when you admit yourself that you have too many online friends. How much time do you spend online chatting with those friends versus going out into the “real world”. For someone who is naturally shy, or even lacking social skills, online friendships, chat, etc., can be a very easy refuge and in the end become more and more self-defeating in terms of building real life friendships. I’m not trying to be harsh or judgemental towards online interactions, clearly I use it too from time to time. If you are lacking in friends, have a hard time interacting in person socially, well… online interactions are not going to help get over that.

Examples of ways I’ve met people who have become long term friendships -

Take some college or community classes that interest you, particularly ones that include “group projects” as a part of the curriculum. It’ll help you interact with others and it will present opportunities to socialize with that group outside the class. Don’t wait to be invited, INVITE.

I found a little “neighborhood” type bar with clientelle at, or near, my age group/peer group and just began hanging around there… sort of becoming a “regular” I guess. As a result, I met people, at first very much a “Hi, how are you doing…” kind of thing but some formed into long lasting friendships. I realize as a woman, that may be more difficult due to the <Joey>How YOU doin’?</Joey> factor. Toss darts, or play pool… I love talking to people who play darts and I will start up a convo in any bar with anyone playing. Next thing you know, we are playing a game, having a beer together. Maybe it’ll never be more than just that, but I also socially engaged a stranger and that is a good thing on building confidence in social settings.

Get aggressive. I know, that sounds stupid but it is true. At a bar, at a movie, at the mall, in class, at the gym, etc., people are not going to somehow just realize that you are a caring, loyal, interesting person who they should become friends with and then walk up to you and proclaim themselves your friend. YOU need to initiate that. Again, being a woman and if it is towards a man, that can be hard due to avoid it becoming confused as a pick-up thing. Regardless, if YOU want to meet people, YOU need to stick out your hand and say “Hi” - it won’t come to you.

In the end, it comes down to having to push your boundries a little bit. Being shy or horrendously socially impaired is nothing new, lots and lots of people are that way (Where did that big red flashing arrow come from and why is it pointing at me?) and lots of people can get uncomfortable in new situations. The cure is not the comfort of online friends where you are safe, but in pulling your courage together and challenging yourself by getting out there.

Good luck!

MeanJoe

11

The UCLA Willed Body Program…

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

12

How do you make friends?

Ask people to do shit with you. Generally, you make “acquaintences” first. A coworker, someone from class, wherever you meet people. Basically, these are the people you say “hi” to on the elevator. You probably know each others names and maybe a little about them. Your friendly but not friends or anything.

Of those people, there will be some you take to the next level. These are “buddies” (don’t know the female equivalent). These are people who you have a relationship based on some shared activity - drinking buddy, golf buddy whatever. You are not particularly close or anything but they are decent companions for whatever activity it is you like to do.

After awhile, some of these relationships will turn into “friends”. These are people you hang out with regularly. These are people you go out of your way to socialize with. Next thing you know you’ll be helping them move or listeining to them bitch about their girlfriends.

People often develop a limited number of “close friends”. These are people you keep in touch with for years and years. An old war buddy, fraternity brother, whatever. These are people who you go to their wedings when you haven’t seen them in 5 years. Obviously this does not happen overnight.
Making friends should not be like dating. It should be more relaxed.

Also, it helps if you can consolidate your friends into “groups” (ofren called cliques). The reason is that it’s more fun hanging out with a group of people who all know each other than 5 people who just know you.

13

I used to have this problem. I only had friends I made at work when I had the type of job that let us chat all day long. When I got a “real” cubicle type of job and work ceased to be a reliable source. But then I joined a sports team where I spent time being with a group of people three ro so times a week. And the team also went out to bars together. I’ve made some real close freinds in this group.

So here’s my advice. Find a group that does something you love and join it. If you get invited to a social event with the group (or coworkers) go. Even if you really aren’t feeling like going. Getting out there is the only way to make friends. I have natural hermit like tendencies and a lot of times, I’d rather just stay home and read. But I make myself get out there because it makes a difference in the long run.

Also, realize that a lot of everyday conversation is extrememly trite and rote. I used to think everything I said had to be “original” so I wouldn’t say much in groups. Then I realized that the vast majority of conversations isn’t “original” at all. And Happy Lendervedder’s suggestion about being up on current events and pop culture is dead-on. It really helps to have a common pool of knowledge to discuss.

14

How social you are really doesn’t matter too much; after all, there are other introverts (I assume you are one just like me) in the world, and they would get along well with you. And at least you’re not a 21 year-old male like me. I can’t seem to be able to get rid of attractive female friends who aren’t interested in taking it any further :mad:

But seriously, the weekend is upon us. Are there any people in passing (or online) that have given you their cell phone or home number in case you wanted to hang out sometime? Call them up; they get bored just like everyone else. This weekend, for example, I may call this guy I worked with several years ago and ask him if he wants to see the movie Bad Santa (it’s at second run theaters now).

15

Benjamin Franklin wanted to make a friend of someone who (he thought, at least) didn’t like him. What he did to make the friendship begin was to borrow a book from the guy.

Social psychologists have verified the effectiveness of this. IIRC, the theory has to do w/ cognitive dissonance. When someone does something without obvious payment of some sort, they need a reason for doing it. Thus, they construct a belief that they like the person they’ve done the favor for. That’s the sloppy version of it, anyway.

So if you can ask someone to help you out, just a small favor, you can expect your stock to rise with that person.

Also you can join some sort of group. That’ll be difficult because of your time & money constraints, and I don’t know how to go about finding clubs in your community, but you can meet people and do stuff without having to go out on a limb.

If you’ve identified a movie you’d like to see, and you’ve identified a likely friend target, and you’ve already gotten the friend target to do you a favor, you can say something like this, “I really want to see movie X, but the people I usually go to the movies with have already seen it. I hate going alone; any chance you’d like to catch it?”

Since you’re a woman, you can also try those sales parties, maybe? My sisters are always doing some candle party thingies. I think the companies get people involved under the premise that they’ll make money; but my sisters do it just because it is an easy to plan social event that lets them have get-togethers without much hassle. Maybe there is some way to find out if someone in your area does something like that and get yourself on the prospect list. “Candle parties” returns a lot of hits on google, maybe you can get yourself on a contact list and let them do all the work. You buy a dumb candle and voila! you’ve got a regular item on your social schedule.

16

Talk to people. Random people. People who look interesting. When people talk to you, talk back. Find better questions than how are you. Everyone says ok, nothing’s happening. They’re lying. Something’s happening. But they won’t tell you immediately. Find out. And don’t be afraid of saying something dumb. Most people won’t think less of you for it. Because most people do it too.

17

THAT is your stunningly simple answer. In my experience, the best way to make friends as an adult is to “ask them out.” Even when you’re doing group activities with them on a regular basis: for example, I see 120 people every week in my concert band. But I never really got to know anybody until I started asking people…to perform a duet with me, to practice tuning together, to go to a movie, to see a musical, etc. Of course, you’ll find people of similar interests if you participate in things you’re interested in.

Don’t be afraid to ask someone out! Being a female, it’s generally easier for me to do with other women, but yes, there are men that seem intriguiging that I ask out, too, but you might have to be more careful and explicit in your intentions there. If they say no, it doesn’t hurt as much as you might think.

Lastly, not to sound schmaltzy(sp?), but in my opinion, most of us just want to love and be loved. If you get together with someone and you find you’re not on the same wavelength, it’ll probably be mutual, and you can just stop without anyone being hurt (most of the time).

18

I’m going through the same thing, having just moved here 2 years ago.

I joined a group of folks, and things seemed to be going well, until I hit a wall.

How do you get past what seems to be “I already have a bunch of friends to do stuff with and I don’t need another one”? I’ve made a few Buddies, but I get a lot of “well, I’m already doing something with [insert name of other friend] tonight. Sorry.”

I roleplay, but can never seem to be able to weasel my way into the Friday Night Games. “Well . . . we already have 3 people . . .”

I feel like I’m just beeating my head on a wall at trying to become better friends with these folks, and after so many months of it, I’ve basically given up. How can I get past that? Can I?

I still have a bunch of friends in TX, but that is about 1,200m away. Does me no good licing up here.

19

Kill your television!

As some one who, in the last eight years, has lived in four different cities in four different states I understand it is hard to meet new people. Watching TV (and being online) takes up a lot of time and makes it to easy to stay at home. Unplug your TV and turn it around on the shelf so that it’s not easy to sit down and watch. With your new found free time force yourself to get out. Good Luck! And if you make it to Phoenix give me call we can meet up for a beer.

20

Hey, I’m in Phoenix. Can I have a beer (read: something blue with an umbrella in it)?