Absolutely! I’m actually in Scottsdale, but close enough. When you want to meet up? Send me an email (eric_marley@yahoo.com). Anyone else?
Even if I don’t have any luck making friends, at least I know a couple of beers might get clinked (umbrella adorned or otherwise) because of me 
Excellent ideas here, at any rate… Maybe not so “easy” for me to implement, being the shy and introverted type but… nothing worth doing is ever easy, right?
I actually had an idea while I was on my home from work today that seemed like a decent one…
I’ve always had this secret desire to do some acting - I’ve no idea whether I’d be good at it or not, but I thought if I could get even a bit part in a local play, that’d be a great way to meet people AND fulfill a dream at the same time, right? Guess I’ll do some Googling and see what I can find - any actors/actresses/etc out there that has any insight… let me know lol (I feel like an advice panhandler suddenly).
Oh and uh…
Any Dopers from Connecticut besides me?
I’m closer than Phoenix, in MA, but not really close enough to get together for coffee with.
Good luck with joining a theatre group! Sounds like a good way to get over being shy!!
Actually, a Dopefest sounds like a great way to turn 2D friends into 3D ones. If your apartment isn’t suitable, or big enough, then a park, or bar, or restaurant, etc. . . would work just as well. Make it someplace you can talk, as opposed to a movie theater, or play.
I propose jumping over to MPSIMS and starting a “Conneticut Dopers in King Aurther’s Court” Dopefest thread. Feel free to use any derivation of the suggested title.
As a slight hijack, my wife was very happy that I suggested the Mary Kay thing in the other thread, and would love it if you e-mailed her any questions you may have. She can get you hooked up with a group up there, which would actually be a good way to meet some very upbeat and positive people. So maybe this wasn’t a hijack after all.
Not to get too far into the internet thing, but have you ever considered Friendster or something like it? One of your online friends might have a friend who has a friend who lives near you and you might really get along with that person.
90% of the above solutions seem better, but this is always an option, as well.
I have loads of aquaintances, but only a few real Friends (most of them don’t live anywhere near me - so I don’t get to see them often)
I have the “problem” that people think I’m a lesbian so if I ask a female aquaintance “wanna go see a movie?” she thinks I’m hitting on her, gets horribly flustered, mumbles a negative response, then avoids me like the plague forever more …
If I ask a male acquaintance, he’ll think I’m hitting on him and either get angry or just stand there opening and shutting his mouth in a mild catatonic state …
People never ask me if I want to go anywhere, well hardly ever, someone once plucked up the courage to ask if I went swimming, and after that I had a friend to go swimming and to the movies with, but she moved away (new job). I’ve been told that I’m very intimidating and people get nervous about asking me if I want to hang out with them …
Volunteer your time, especially doing something you are interested in. Like movies? Volunteer at a film fest. If you are especially ambitious, and there isn’t a volunteer organization doing something you are interested in… start one.
I’ve made plenty of friends since high school, and a large amount of them came from volunteering my time in situations where I was surrounded by people with similar interests.
Good luck, and don’t get discouraged.
My brother does a regular Karaoke gig at some bar called, “Chances Are” in Scottsdale (I live in Las Vegas). He says it gets lots of people, all age groups, and the place seems to be a friendly get together - even for single women.
My problem was to STOP socializing - at least a few years ago. At some point it gets to be too much.
But I agree with almost everything the others have posted inasfar as making new friends. You have to put yourself out there. I can’t tell you the number of co-workers who say the same thing, but they all go home, sit in front of a TV and do nothing about it.
Get your ass off the sofa and go somewhere! The local bookstore/cafe…the local bar…the local YMCA…the whatever. Go to that place on a regular basis. After awhile, you will become a “regular”.
Shocking news…nobody ever knocks on your door at home and says, “wanna be my friend?”
If you are sitting at home alone on Friday and Saturday night…well, you deserve to be alone. Get the hell out of the house!
That is not a simple answer, especially for someone who is “seriously socially impaired. I used to [be] horrendously shy, but that’s improved in conjuction with my self-esteem.”
I get that same sort of advice on women and it is hurtful and insensitive. If it was that easy, I wouldn’t have so much trouble w/ women.
It may not be what you want to hear, But!
Your appearance is the first thing people see of you!
I’m not saying, lose weight or be beautiful, but it definetly shows people you are of high self esteem to be well groomed and have a decent fashion sence.
Smiling helps, so does new hairstyles.
Perhaps recreate yourself, but dont try and be someone else.
Volunteering has been very successful for me. Women’s groups, political campaigns, a zoo, a drug-counselling center, temporary opportunities.
Book clubs can be fun. Check out your favorite bookstore for possibilities.
I have slight agoraphobia and from time to time have to start almost from scratch.
TellMeI’mNotCrazy, thank you so much for starting this thread. I’d been pondering something similar for a while now, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Of course, I’m revealing as much now as I would if I’d made the OP, but I simply won’t think about that.
I notice that everyone who’s giving advice is saying things along the lines of “Just ask to do so and so” or “Just say hi”.
The problem with advice like that is that it presumes that the person whom your advising knows how to ask, and how to say hi. This probably sounds incredibly retarded, but how do you introduce yourself to people? Just literally walk up and say “Hi”? How do you know when it’s appropriate to introduce yourself? I frequently find myself at social gatherings where everyone has seperated off into small groups where everyone already knows each other. How do you approach a situation like that?
With regards to further developing friendship with people you already know, are there some activities (or ways of asking) that are generally understood to be brought up with non-platonic intent, and some that are just normal friends type stuff? How, exactly (as in, what words would you say) would you ask? I wouldn’t mind getting to know some acquaintences better, but I don’t know exactly what to say, and don’t want it to seem like I’m hitting on them.
Yes, these questions seem retarded. But, I’d sure like to know. I dropped out of high school as a freshman, kept completely to myself for a while, went to a continuation school and then a community college–all before I turned 18. So I kinda missed out on high school, which seems to be where most people began working on their adult social skills. I like to think that I’m ignorant more then I am brain damaged. I do plenty of stuff with other people, I just don’t know how to connect to them…
Finding a buddy is a lot like dating, but one doesn’t have to be so selective. If you have a few things in common and the prospective pal is likeable rather that hateable to you then that’s enough to build a relationship upon.
I’m looking for a new girlfriend myself. I have plenty of wonderful married friends. Unfortunately they just don’t understand what it’s like to be a single mother and their husbands don’t let go out cruising…
It may seem hurtful and insensitive because it makes you realize that YOU are the one who has to solve your problem. There is no magic 20s Style Death Ray that will solve your social problems. Bottom line is that in the end, it all boils down to finding the courage to just go say “hey” to some stranger. Like anything else, it gets easier with practice.
Very rarely do I introduce myself to other people and they respond with “DESTROY HIM!!!”
You study people’s reaction and mannerism in the context of the situation. For example, if you are at a party and you see a group of people you don’t know and they seem kind of bored, just go over and say “hi I’m Metacom” or “how do you guys know [party guy]?”. Don’t everstay your welcome. You are just making contacts. It’s tough at a party or gathering where people have clustered into little groups. That’s why it’s always better to bring a “wingman”. That way you have someone to talk with and don’t look like “weird by himself guy”.
You may be underestimating the difficulty some people have in simple things like saying hello, or asking other people to hang out. I don’t expect anyone to get rid of my social problems for me - this is why I don’t complain about it, at least not anymore - but I’ll open myself up enough to say this: there is a serious crushing feeling of fear of impending rejection every time I’ve thought about getting in with my only real acquaintances. The one time I tried it was a miserable failure. I just don’t do it.
So my girlfriend is my only friend - I’ve gotten used to it. I had only one friend throughout elementary and high school; I don’t have any college friends (my girlfriend graduated several years before I started). The best thing someone like me can do for himself is to stop caring about it.
Well it’s definitely comforting to know that this is something that some people can relate to… And I have to agree with msmith537 when he says that it’s easy to underestimate the difficulty in going up to someone and just saying hi.
As I said, in that regard, I have gotten better… Case in point: when I started my latest gig, I was (due to a space issue) seated on a separate floor than the rest of my team. When I was shown to my desk, I realized I was going to be surrounded by a bunch of people that a) I didn’t know and b) I didn’t work with. But, feeling slightly emboldened by the fact that I had gotten the job at all, I picked a cubicle neighbor who happened to be look over as I was settling in. I stuck out my hand and said, “Hi, I’m Telly, your new neighbor.” He greeted me warmly and ever since then we’ve always had pleasant “in the elevator” conversations.
As Metacom says - the problem for me lies not so much in the “Hi, how are you,” to a complete stranger it’s the… Hi, we’ve been saying “Hi, how are you” for a while now… Wanna hang out? Another kink in my cable is the fact that I work about 3 hours from where I live…That makes socializing with the only people I know - my coworkers - fairly difficult.
I do like the suggestions here though - I actually was volunteering at an animal shelter until my car decided to meltdown, and that was excellent, but still didn’t lead to any extracurricular socialization. I can talk, joke, laugh with the best of them when we’re at work… It would just be nice to carry that beyond the office.
I am definitely working on it though. I like Mastema’s suggestion for a CT Dopefest but… that’s something I definitely have to work up the nerve for. :o I’ve never hosted a party at all (ref.:no friends), but it is a cool idea…
Sometime when you’re in that situation, standing around with some acquaintances, say, “Hey, I’m really in the mood for pizza.” Ask people what their favorite pizza place is, and if they have one, say something like “That sounds great. Can I treat you to a pizza?”
Of course, fill in the blanks with whatever appropriate food.
I’ve found thi technique to be very effective. You are connecting with a favorite thing of that person, but also giving a reason for the question “I’m in the mood for pizza.” If there’s more than one person, invite them all. “Bob and I are going for pizza after work, can you come? My treat!” Emphasize that it’s your treat, that you are specifically inviting that person, not just allowing them to come. Not only is it more personal, it turns the event into your “party,” instead of just a random get-together–you’ll be less likely to get lost in the crowd.
Julie
wasn’t sure whether to start a new thread about this or not, so…
there are some great suggestions here, but I was wondering, can anyone offer suggestions as to how to make friends when faced with the following?
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living in an extremely rural area; no transport and no money.
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even if the opportunity arose and friends were made, how does one get over that great big anxiety hump of “getting back into life” again?
I’ve been banging my head against the wall lately trying to figure out how to make new friends. I’ve always been shy, but managed to acquire a number of friends when I lived in Boston in the seventies and eighties, when I was in my twenties. But when AIDS hit the gay community, nearly all of those friends succumbed to it, and having lost them, I became more introverted than ever. So I never really managed to connect much socially again.
I moved to Providence about four years ago and pretty much expected that it would be a whole new chapter, and to some extent it has – I’ve made friends in the neighborhood, good friends even. But most of them have their own stuff going on – families and so on – and aren’t really into the politics/arts/gay stuff that most attracts me.
I had a mate these past three years, but he recently decided that he needed to go back to the pentecostal church that he was brought up in. (Which is a tale that’s going to end up in the Pit at some point, I suspect.) I’ve been struggling to get out and make friends, but like a lot of the folks who’ve posted to this thread, I find it difficult. Lately, though, I’ve been testing a new practice – when I talk to strangers, I smile. And I’ve realized that 1.) I heretofore must not have smiled at strangers much, because 2.) it can be quite remarkable what happens when I do it – they smile back more often than not, and there can be a palpable sense of barriers being relaxed.
Now, geek that I am, if I can just find a way to find things in common to use to extend these casual conversations (I tend to lean too much toward politics and religion, especially lately, and I’m not much into ‘mainstream’ stuff), and can manage to pull that kind of rabbit out of my hat, I’m hoping that I’ll get somewhere.
But one thing I’m sensing is that people generally want to be liked, and a smile from me, though I have to do it consciously at this point, seems to go a ways toward putting them at ease. It doesn’t mean that I’m not still a shy mess, but it’s a start.
Anyway, thanks for all the excellent suggestions in this thread…
Great suggestions. I struggle with this, too. In part I think it is harder because most women my age are involved in raising kids, and structure their lives around family or other people with kids the same age. But I have realized this is my issue to solve, and have tried some things with varying results.
One is to be more conscious of eye contact. A recommendation was to greet people and make enough eye contact that I noted the color of the person’s eyes. What really struck me, when I tried to do this, was that it was so different from how I usually greeted people.
I will also recommend the organization Toastmasters www.toastmasters.org It is known for teaching public speaking skills, but it is also a great way to meet people and learn other communication skills. It is pretty affordable starting at $18 for 6 months (some areas may be more expensive.) It gets you in the habit of regularly attending meetings, and gives you opportunities to do things for others. Since people are always giving speeches about things they care about, you get to know people on more than a superficial level.
Also, I would say don’t put up more barriers than necessary. Can a 28 and 40 year old woman be friends? Maybe. Don’t write it off. If you are both single or have grown children, your lifestyles may have more in common than someone your own age who is raising triplets. Where I’ve seen successful friendships between women w/ kids and women w/o kids, the childless woman has really gotten involved in the child’s life. If you like kids, but don’t have any of your own, making the effort to show that you’re willing to join in on “play-dates” could open your opportunities for friendship.