Making Friends, Online and In Real Life

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I just moved to another state. I know not a single person here. My husband and I have, to date, had a lot of mutual friends, but I’m kind of curious what it’d be like to have friends that were mine. I’d kind of like some positive female companionship. I sometimes have trust and insecurity issues with other women, and I just want to put them behind me once and for all. There is a lot, in fact, that I’m putting behind me once and for all–old, unhealthy lifestyle habits that are just out from now on. I’ve always fantasized about running away and starting completely over, and here is my opportunity to do it.

I decided I might as well be a little proactive–in my own introverted way, of course–and see if I can find some interesting people online who live in the area. I’ve been to Dopefests and had great luck with the Detroit-area dopers (shout out to my homies!), so I thought, ‘‘what the hell?’’ This is the 00s**, people meet each other online all the time. Right?

**doesn’t quite have that ring, does it? :rolleyes:

So far I’ve got a few promising leads from Craigslist – one is a lady more than twice my age who just wants to take day trips with someone into the city or go hiking in the local parks. I am going to meet her tomorrow at a shopping mall to have dinner and see if we hit it off. She seems incredibly active and open-minded for her age, and I like that–she also has a daughter the same age as me.

Another is a group of women who meet regularly to encourage one another to achieve their dreams, make life goals, plan outings and just generally have a regular support system. It all sounds very positive and exciting. The lady gave me a phone number to call, so today I am going to call it and see where that leads.

I’m excited. I’m also nervous. And confused. I know I may make new friends at work and in the neighborhood sort of naturally, but I just wanted to give myself a little push because I have a tendency to avoid people. I figure the more people I come into contact with, the more likely I am to meet someone I can really connect with. Starting this Friday I’ll be attending a regular Zen Buddhist sangha, and I hope to make some new friends that way too.

I’m just trying to be open-minded, you know? But I’ve never really looked for friends online before. I will admit I have an internal stigma associated with it… only desperate people respond to friendship personal ads. But in a way, I am desperate–not because I’m unlikeable, just because I don’t know a single person here.

So is this weird? Has anyone else made friends this way? Anyone else had to do that ‘‘find a whole new group of friends’’ thing when moving to a new area? Any tips or advice?

Thanks,
Christy

2

Not sure if this counts, but I met a girl on MySpace about a year ago. We both made it clear we didn’t want a relationship, but whatever happened, happened. We’ve fooled around a couple times, but that’s kind of faded now. These days, we just hang out, and haven’t hooked up in quite a while. I still like her as more than a friend, but am not willing to go above and beyond to make that happen. So, we remain good friends that just hang out, now. She’s a good time, and likes to go hiking and camping, so we have fun together even when we’re not fooling around.

As far as finding a whole new group of friends, I’ve never really had to do that. When I moved to college, it was such a small school I was pretty much friends with everybody within the first month. When I graduated, I moved to Santa Fe and started playing rugby, so I already had a social circle set up before I even got here.

3

I’m sure you won’t have any problems. Everyone here can see what kind of person you are. I can only imagine interacting with you in person.

You don’t have to wear your heart on your sleeve for others to see it.

4

What an interesting approach, olives. I would never be so proactive, but I think it sounds like awesome way to try to make friends.

Sometimes it seems like making friends is such an awkward dance, and so much like dating. The first time one of my best girl friends and I went out for coffee together it felt like a full on date, even though we knew each other well from working together. We were both so nervous! I like the idea of online friend finding- it’s so direct and honest.

5

I was thinking about that – there are so many people in the world, there’s no harm in meeting with as many of them as possible. I’ve never really TRIED to make friends before–it just sort of happened. But over the last few years my friends moved away and I allowed myself to get very isolated–I’m just not going to let that happen again.

I just got off the phone with the lady from The Friendship Group – she’s actually trying to make it into a non-profit organization. They do charity walks and events together, girl’s nights out, and the idea is using each other’s strengths to help the group as a whole. Like if one woman’s dream is to become a singer, someone else volunteers voice lessons, that kind of thing. I absolutely love the spirit of that, people helping other people, friendship as community service. I’m really looking forward to it.

Yeah, I just feel like I made the right decision.

And thanks, Omega. hugs you

6

The Friendship Group sounds really neat and rewarding. I think you’ve made a really good decision and a smart step towards making sure you’re less isolated. It’s a difficult thing, but it seems like you’re gravitating towards really enriching groups. Huzzah!

I’m sort of in the same boat as you. I’m less concerned with making friends because I’m kind of a crappy friend as far as keeping in steady contact with someone. But I’m really interested in joining some groups that will be personally enriching. I’ll be going to a tai chi workshop this weekend, and I’m looking into other stuff, too. It’s so easy for me to not do anything social, ever, and I’ve been feeling lately like I need a hobby or something.

7

Interesting idea. I have lived here for more than a decade and have made very few friends. One time my curiosity was piqued and I reached out online to try to meet people in the city. I met one person worth seeing more than once, and I married her. I am not good at getting to know people, but I have a little skill with probability.

I did meet a great group of people through my fencing school. I made some very good friends that way. Though for various reasons, I am not training nearly as much as I used to and am very bad at keeping in touch with them otherwise. Although I usually am uncomfortable in groups and am not a joiner, I had an unusual amount of success when I did join a group and stick with it. Most of the regs in my fencing school came to my wedding.

There’s something for just about everyone here, so I wish you the best of luck.

8

This is what I was talking about.

God, you’re beautiful. :slight_smile:

From Marriam/ webster:[beautiful applies to whatever excites the keenest of pleasure to the senses and stirs emotion through the senses]

Brings a tear to my eye.

9

Bah! You left us!

Where in Jersey are you again? There are Jersey Dopers out there, you know.

10

Seems weird to me to look for new friends online. I prefer to meet people the old fashioned way - drinking in bars. :eek:

Generally I find activities I like doing and then become friendly with the people who I do those activities with. I had a lot of work friends at my last job but the danger with that is if you leave your job or something, you tend to fall out of touch with them.

11

<shrug>

I did a lot of that, too. Looking back, I’d gnaw my arm off to get back the time and money I spent in bars. It was fun at the time, but I wish I had acknowledged earlier that was just not my favorite way to pass the time. Different strokes and all.

12

Sounds like you’re going to do fine at finding friends. What a great start. The only other thing I’d suggest is finding something like a book group to join or some other group that does an activity you like to do (or think you might like to get into).

Keep us updated on how it goes!

13

So would I. I have voluntarily entered a bar or club perhaps 6 times in my life, and regretted every time.

Bars were never my thing. You can’t hear yourself think, much less get to know someone. Every once in a while I’m like, ‘‘hey, yeah, of course I’ll hit the club with you!’’ I end up bored within the hour, and stuck taking care of the sloppy drunks who can’t protect themselves.

14

Hey Olives, so long as you remain open to the idea of starting new friendships, they’ll practically happen automatically. There’s been a couple times in my life where I’ve decided I’d like to have more friends in my life, and just let it happen organically. I think people can get a sense when you’re looking for a friend. Also, since you’re getting out of the house, you’ll meet people. I’m sure you’ll bump into a kindred or two. So, don’t get discouraged if your own proactive attempts don’t work out amazingly well. Eventually, it’ll just happen (especially, since you’re so cool. Maybe not as cool as LOUNE, but pretty damn close. Ok, you’re cooler than LOUNE, but not nearly as cool as me. Fine. Your the coolest. But then, again, there’s Queen Tonya…)

15

Tonya’s the Queen of Cool, you can be the Prince, and LOUNE can be the Royal Pain in the Ass… um, I mean Court Jester.

But with so much cool I’m afraid we’re going to run out of royalty metaphors here.

(Just kidding, LOUNE, you know we love you.)

16

I’m the Village Idiot of Coolsville.

17

I probably need to take some tips from you. I’ve lived here for more than 18 months and still have no friends. I’m friendly with the people I work with, and go out to some places and events with people from Meetup, but haven’t really made any friends. Hope it works out for you.

18

Then I’m the Caliph of Cool.

19

I’m sort of in the same boat too. We moved about 2 years ago, and my only friends are work friends at this point. I go to church, but everyone there is either considerably older than we are or they’ve got little kids, and we just don’t have anything in common.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to make more friends too, but it’s tough. By the time we’re both home from work and grab some dinner, we’re tired and don’t really feel like doing much. And my work schedule can be a bit wonky. When I’ve tried to get more involved at church, I keep ending up missing meetings because I unexpectedly get stuck late at work. It’s a bit of a bummer, and I’m more aware of it than usual right now since a good work friend just moved out of the area.

Please update this post later (or start a new thread) to let us know how it goes. I’d love to know if your approach works.

20

Hiya, Olive!

You sound SO much like me. I’ve met some cool friends a couple of ways - one of the things I did was start my own book club (this is not your momma’s book club!) through a website called www.meetup.com

Although not as fabulous as SDMB (of course) - it is a GREAT way to find out about a lot of people who are also looking for local friends to hang out with somewhere besides a bar - and it combines the idea of finding something in common, and finding new friends. There are all sorts of groups - book clubs, dining out groups, outdoor adventure groups, movie groups, sushi groups, gaming groups, wine and beer clubs, etc. . .

I have a half dozen friends that I met through there that I am now very close to, and several other good acquaintances. It’s also a fun way to go to something and not be alone (like my first every spoken word poetry slam).

There’s also websites like OKCupid.com that is not just for meeting sexy men (although it’s where I met the absolutely smoking hot Dewey D, love of my life).

As long as you are safe and smart - meet in neutral public places, tell someone where you are going and as much about the person you are meeting, get the mid-meeting check in, etc - you will be fine.

As someone who has lived 20+ places so far and is always the “new” person - trust me, it never hurts to try. And some of my best friends (including my very best girl friend) are people I met online first and then in person.

Have a GREAT time doing it - don’t get discouraged if a few fizzle instead of sizzle - and know that you always have an open invitation anytime you are here in Charlotte!!