Yet Another Relationship Advice Post

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hello all, I’ve been an extremely long-time lurker on the SDMB, on and off for about 5 years, and I can’t think of a better place to ask for advice, relationship or otherwise. This will probably be a somewhat long, somewhat whiny post, so I don’t blame people if they don’t want to slog all the way through it.

As far as sob stories go, I’m not much of one. I had a good childhood, good schooling. I now sit as a 23-year-old guy who has just finished my BS and MA along with a well-paying job. I’m in decent shape, and I work out a few days a week. But where I feel I’ve done well academically and financially, I feel like I’ve completely failed on the social end of things.

I’ve always been something of an introvert, tending more toward reading books, messing around on the computer, etc. rather than hanging out with a wider social circle. This might sound familiar because I get the feeling a good portion of the SDMB population is similar to me in this respect. But even more important, the SDMB seems to be the only place where there almost as many socially active, extroverted people as there are introverts.

Where I think I have even the introverts beat though, is that I haven’t ever been on so much as a simple date.

No middle-school dances. No high school flings. No college parties.

My romantic experience is a completely blank slate.

Outside of class group projects and work, I’ve never had a member of the opposite sex as anything more than a casual acquaintance since I was in grade school. I’m completely at a loss as to how to start now.

I feel like I missed something very important going through my teen years and college, and it’s not like I can just turn back the clock and learn the lessons and conventions of relationships now.

I realize now that in college, meeting people that shared your interests was a simple thing. You could just find a club or social circle you were interested in and be off and running. I instead spent basically 100% of my time on classwork, or in the company of 2-3 close friends. I don’t regret not living the stereotypical drunk and debauched lifestyle, but I do regret not finding a balance between the extremes.

And now that I’m out of college, there doesn’t seem to be an obvious source in “real life” for the same sort of social life. But then again, I’m not exactly a person who would know :stuck_out_tongue:

So I guess I’ll start with a simple question, where do people hang out who are A) not in college and B) actively looking for relationships longer than a weekend?

In following some other advice threads, I took the suggestion of a few posters and tried out okcupid.com for online dating, but after putting out a few feelers to women in my area and getting nothing but a resounding silence in return, I sort of gave up on that avenue.

Anyway, that was sort of rambling, but anything that can give me even a place to start would be a great help.

2

What are your interests? You like to read, you mentioned-- have you looked into book clubs in your area? Check your local paper for other hobby clubs which might interest you, even if you don’t currently have that hobby. (If it’s interesting to you, maybe you’ll find something new and enjoyable.) Are you religious? Your church might have activities for singles or other kinds of social events where you could meet someone.

The key is that you shouldn’t go out searching for a girlfriend. Go out and try to find friends. The best relationships are often the ones which grow out of friendship, and even if one doesn’t grow with a friend of the opposite gender, they may introduce you to someone they think would be compatible with you. The worst case scenario is that you’ve ended up with another friend, and that’s never a bad thing.

Good luck to you, and I hope you find that special someone soon.

3

There is a website called www.meetup.com that has meetings on just about anything in every city you could join and meet some people. Goodluck.

4

23 isn’t too late to get into the game. Heck, 83 isn’t too late (but you probably don’t want to wait that long). I think you should keep at the online dating thing. Dating is a skill like any other; you need to get in the game and learn how to do it. Send messages to any lady who sounds likely and pursue them as possible friendships, rather than your one true love. It takes a while to find compatible people online (and longer for men, I’m guessing), but keep trying. Would you like to post your ad here and let us critique it? What about what you are looking for - are you open to many types of women, or are you looking for an extremely limited type?

5

Really you find people the same sort of way one would in school: You have hobbies or interests, so you seek out groups that are into the same things, or just look around for a spot to do whatever it is you do, and you’re bound to meet new people.

I admit I don’t always take my own advice, though. All of my current friends I either met through online gaming or through work. I’ve yet to seek out groups for any of my other interests.

I’ll second the idea that you’ll be better of not looking for a girlfriend. Meet people you have things in common with and you’ll really connect with someone sooner or later. Specifically looking for a date might make you give off a desperate vibe, instead of being a relaxed fella.

6

I second that. Other suggestions: volunteer (there’s websites with tons of volunteer opportunities), join a political party or work on a campaign if there is a party/are issues you care about. Go to local events that draw crowds; festivals are quite good and better if you volunteer. Take a class. Essentially, figure out where people gather to do something you like to do and go join them - this could be anything from getting into a choir to joining a kayaking club.

7

I second the volunteering suggestion - it’s a great way to meet people who share your interests, and there are lots of opportunities out there. Do you like theater? Volunteer to work on the stage crew of a local community theater. Like animals? Try the Humane Society.

And again as suggested above - don’t go looking for your soulmate. Look for friends and there is no telling what can happen.

Good luck!

8

Are you referring to the online dating thread from a week or so ago that mentioned okcupid.com a lot?

If you’ve only been trying that for a week or so…you’ve got a long way to go. Some folks can hook up right away on dating sites but not everyone can. Give it a while - meaning months - before you shrug it off.

And don’t think that silence means “I don’t like you.” It might mean “I haven’t checked my account in a few days.”

9

Wow, I could have written your post word for word (except reverse the sexes.) I am in exactly the same situation as you.

10

Volunteering is great. You get to meet people in more demographics than just your own age and income levels. (If you’re not a complete crumb, the older women will begin spending their efforts trying to set you up with their “really attractive” daughters or younger friends. Mixed blessing, that, of course.)

If you attend church, look to see whether they have young adult activities–or volunteer opportunities.

If you live in any sort of moderately large metro area, there will often be singles clubs or “young professionals” clubs. Check them out. A few of them are meat markets and a few of them turn into closed cliques, but many are just good places to meet people (not dates) in which opportunities arise to date other members. (They generally post activity announcements near (not in) the personals sections of papers or in the section devoted to weekend activities.)

11

There’s also speed dating. If this had been around when I was still single, I would have done it.

As far as the online thing goes, just don’t be too picky. You probably don’t have a real solid idea yet of what kind of women will really end up appealing to you, so leave your criteria fairly open.

12

Actually, I might even amend this to say: don’t go looking for your soulmate. Don’t even go looking for friends. People who are frantically trying to get someone, anyone, to be their friend can be just as off-putting and vaguely creepy as people frantically trying to score a date.

Find something you enjoy doing, and do well, preferably that at least some other people can do with you. Go do it. Be social but allow the activity, not the quest for companionship, to be the driving factor. You will then have fun, and appear competent; competent people having fun are attractive, both as potential friends and potential dates.

The upside of this is that anyone you meet in this way, you will be able to interact with comfortably right from the start; you won’t have to worry as much about making artificial efforts to “get to know each other” or even, at the beginning, to contrive reasons to get together; there’s always “see you at the next rehearsal / meeting / game / whatever.”

13

I feel like there is an elephant in the room that nobody is noticing. In 23 years, I’m sure he’s met people, and probably wanted to pursue friendship or more, but doesn’t know what to do next. Let’s offer some ideas on what to do after he finds someone interesting at that class/book club/political rally etc.

Along those lines I’ll contribute an excercise for you to try. Imagine the worst case scenario of the reaction anyone you might approach could have.

Example:

You walk up to Hot Book Club Acquaintance and say. “Hi, I’m Dunawake. Did you like the ending of the novel?”

Imagine the response as something awful like “Drop dead creep!” and realilze that whatever is said, you won’t be in any worse shape than you were if you’d never tried. What is more likely is that the person will say something like. “Hi Dunawake, I’m HoosierMama. Nice to meet you. I liked the ending but would have liked it better if…”

Don’t be afraid to try. How bad will it be if you ask someone out and they say no? Shake it off and try again until you get a yes.

14

You might feel more comfortable couching your invitations in casual terms. Rather than saying, “Do you want to go out on a date?” say something along the lines of “Hey, I’m hungry. Wanna go grab a bite to eat?” Or, “I’ve been dying to see that movie, too. I’m thinking about going on Friday. Would you like to come along?”

15

While I see that you specified wanting to meet people who weren’t in college, you’re glossing over a valuable resource.

College girls make excellent practice partners for when you get into a real relationship. Go forth unto yon campus, my son, and be fruitful.

Well, not fruitful.

NB. They’re a lot easier to work with when you’re drunk.

16

For what it’s worth, something the PUA-types suggest to build up self-esteem is to go up to women with the intent of being rejected (i.e. ask mildly inappropriate suggestions or questions, be obnoxious, et cetera). The idea is to [ol][li]become inured to rejection, []discover that women won’t always be offended even if you say something inappropriate, and []learn that Opal loves you no matter what you do.[/ol]A less aggressive and assholish version of this is to go to a moderately crowded public area like a mall or a park and simply smile and say “Hi” to every woman you pass. Some will be suprised, some will think you’re a jerk, and some (hopefully most) will respond with a smile or a greeting in return. [/li]

I dunno; I did the speed dating thing a couple of times on the recommendation of a friend (female) who thought it was the best thing since Wonder Bread. Now, admittedly I’m not the best at pointless small talk, but I took a running charge on it and felt that I held my own competently, if not brilliantly. Regardless (and despite marking “some interest” or more at least a third of the women) I got zero responses from that. I’d classify it at more “speed interviewing”, and unless you are either at the high end of desirability or in a small pool of possibles, I doubt you’re going to get much play. (As with online dating, women seem to have their pick of the litter, while the larger population of men are left battling over the too-few candidates.)

I think the volunteering/joining a club/taking a class thing has more viability, especially if (as I think the O.P. does) you are looking for something more than a quick hookup. And at least you’re doing something, which both makes it seem less a waste of time and also makes you look active and outgoing, instead of struggling to make idle conversation with someone about whom you know nothing and will probably never see again after three minutes.

Stranger

17

Seeing as how the OP said that he didn’t really have more than two or three good friends through college, I’m guessing there’s some general social awkwardness that needs to be addressed.

I have a few thoughts, take em or leave em. The way the OP described folks who go out and drink and have little flings in college seemed rather judgmental: yeah, not everyone enjoys that stuff, but I hope that doesn’t mean that the OP looks down on people who do. It is a lot easier to make friends and meet girls if you’re not judging them by first impressions. (And, more importantly, re: drinking and fooling around, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!)

Second, if you are working now, I hope you’re not repeating the same stuff you did in college: nose to the grindstone, eating lunch alone, rushing home to play World of Warcraft or whatever. Have lunch with coworkers, go out for a drink with them after work, and be social. Chat with folks around the watercooler. Steel yourself and watch a bit of American Idol or the Super Bowl or whatever so you have something to talk about with average joes.

Third, get good at something. Something done with people. You said you work out, so why not look into sports leagues, martial arts classes, dance lessons, or even hash house harriers. If you get out doing things with people, especially more interactive type things, you’ll meet more people, make more friends, and so on. And, more importantly, getting good at stuff makes you more interesting and more confident in who you are. There are girls who are attracted to the introverted types, but put math on your side: more girls like guys who are confident, have friends, and have some brains. It appears you already have the brains, so work on the other two things, and the girls will follow. Bad girls, preferably. :slight_smile:

18

Well, there you go. Maybe you two (you and the OP) can meet on okcupid. . . you already have a lot in common.

19

Church is one of the best places to find a woman who wants a man for all the right reasons. You know you have a lot in common right off the bat, and a bunch of awkward questions don’t even have to be addressed. (That’s assuming you are a churched person. If not, there are agnostic and atheist organizations, too.)

I third or fourth or fifth the volunteering thing, but finding a mate shouldn’t be the reason to volunteer. By that I mean make sure it’s a cause you want to continue to work for even after you find Ms. Right (or in case you don’t right away.)

Finally, the one thing nobody else has addressed: Be prepared for some heartbreak. It’s just gonna’ happen. Those of us who don’t have a line of patter or a natural “way with the girls” are going to get our feelings stepped on. It’s part of the human condition. But don’t let it scare you away. A lifetime commitment to another human being who is similarly committed to you is the ultimate fulfillment – with that, you can do anything!

20

BUDDY!

Do you realise how well you portrayed yourself in the OP?
Cut and paste most of that into a internet dating site of your choice, and add a bit of information about your physical charicteristics (body type, size, hair and eye colour, etc).

You came accross as sincere, focused on a "relationship’ and serious about seeking a parnter for commitment. As long as yopu don’t have any hidden agendas (and it sure seems you don’t), you will get a lot of replies from like minded people (females). Additionally, the honesty and openeness of your post will act as a “BS Filter”, automatically eliminating many of those seeking superficiality and temporary / short term encounters.

try it out dude!

regards
FML