So, I’ve found out the hard way that it’s pretty hard to make friends after college. And my boyfriend is starting to find that out, and starting to get really freaking sick of his childish buddies. (I mean, we like them, but it would be really nice to know other people. Other people who will try foods not on the extra value menu, for example.) We do go out and do things - I’ve just started aikido, where the people seem nice, and we go to this game night thing at a board game store, but have yet to see anybody else more than once, and we do ballroom lessons, but those are private.
We don’t go to church. I imagine that’s where all the nice grownup couples our age are.
So, where do you meet people these days? And, I guess this is the big thing - once you meet people, how do you get to be friends with them? I mean, we’ve got acquaintances we like, but we don’t do things with, say, the game store lady, and it would be really awkward to invite her to something, you know? I’m starting to get why all my friends’ parents when I was a kid didn’t have any friends! (Mine always have - oh yeah, they go to church. )
Well, my wife is active in the community - involved in various groups and such - so that is one way.
I play guitar and talk with folks in my town to geek out on guitars and that has led to a few couple friends we hang out with. I also started a poker night with a few friends that has grown and evolved and led to couple-friend dinners, etc…
Bottom line is that we pursue stuff we enjoy being involved with, see opportunities when one of us likes one of the folks and then experiment with couple-related stuff like a dinner out. It’s a gradual proces, but over time it works and we end up with some folks we see occasionally and some we get together with quite a bit.
Although I’m single, I meet people through work and the activities I do. Friends from work start out with the occasional “grab a drink before going home” or poker party or whatnot. When I work out, I eventually end up chatting with the people who also work out at the same time, and then we start coordinating our schedules to work out together leading to the occasional “grab a drink before going home” or whatnot.
The sad truth is, if you’re not doing activities where you’re going to meet other people, you’re not going to meet other people.
If you’re visiting a gaming store and chatting with the staff, next time just ask “We really want to find something new to do, but can’t find something that seems interesting.” That’s how some of my friends got involved in the SCA.
And church is usually a very good way to meet people. As is having kids…
I think to make friends as an adult you gotta become a joiner. Church, volunteer activities, singing groups, or what have you. Then when you like someone or like a couple just invite them over for brunch. Or invite them to meet for drinks or coffee.
I think of making friends as kinda like dating. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and you also have to be willing to suffer through a few boring nights out in order to find a good match.
See, I miss the SCA - I did that back in Atlanta and met just the nicest people. (Of course, I guess I never really saw them outside of events, sooo…) But the SCA here evidently sucks balls, it’s all stickjocks.
I hear you, Zsofia. We live in suburbia where you’re either 1) married with kids, or 2) elderly and on the verge of selling your house. We have a huge park down the street where everybody congregates in warmer weather. The dog lovers have their section, while the moms-with-tots congregate around the playground. If your kid plays Little League or soccer, you’re on the sidelines with everyone else.
Our schedules here at Chez Kiz don’t seem to mesh with anyone else’s. I work crazy hours, while my husband does his IT work while looking after my mom. My workplace isn’t very social. Most of Mr. Kiz’s friends, as well as mine, are out of state. Neither of us are churchgoers either.
We do slightly know our neighbors in back, but not enough to ask them if the 4 of us could do something.
So yeah…I don’t know what else to suggest other than what you’re already doing. If we weren’t taking care of Mom we’d probably be doing the same.
IME ballroom dances are a great way to meet people. We have some senior, community, and college groups that meet weekly or monthly. Once you start to get more confident the best way to improve your skills is to start dancing with other people too.
One of the reasons I like my dancing friends is because they never get raucously drunk because it’s hard to dance like that. Even at parties they’ll just drink enough to relax.
Here there is a mixed ballroom dance (includes latin and swing songs) at a roller rink on Mondays, a West Coast Swing class on Tuesdays, a mixed college practice on Wednesdays, and a Latin dance on fridays at a bar. Most weekends have something too.
I definitely don’t have any magic answers here. If you don’t have kids, it seems pretty difficult. One thing I’d suggest is to think rather seriously about what things you AND the spousal unit might enjoy doing with other people. My husband and I like spending time with each other, but most of the things we do to get to know other people are not very compatible. We also have a fairly significant age difference, which is probably an extra challenge. Most of his friends are way old.
My suggestion would be volunteer work, a book club, etc. If you don’t have business cards get some made up so you don’t have to do the awkward, “let me write my number on this napkin for you” routine. The biggest thing I can tell you though is don’t ignore people when they make an effort. For example, I have run into people from my past, we get to talking, I tell them where I work and they say, “Oh! I have been trying to get in there for months! I wish I could get an interview.” I always give them my card and tell them to call me or email me and I get nothing in return. They don’t think about it or they think it would be weird to contact me for some reason, etc. They express a sincere interest but do nothing to follow up on it so I can’t give them what they want because they haven’t taken enough steps to meet me halfway. If you have phone numbers from people you have met in the past be sure to call them and find out what is going on in their lives.
Other than that, maybe have a party and tell all of the guests to bring someone you have never met before? That would be an interesting way to get to meet some new people.
You know what was weird? I wrote this yesterday, and last night we went to game night and the game lady grabs me and whispers in my ear, “See that couple behind you? They’re good gamers and you should meet them. That’s your mission today.” And later when we were talking, she was kicking me under the table to talk more at them. I wonder if she’s a doper?
I’m having the same problem here. I can’t find any new friends. And all the SCA folk (which I’m not into, but was slightly interested in) I’ve met are scary! Like the kind of people you don’t want to be alone with. Plus everyone (it seems) up here is into poly relationships and if you’re not into that they really don’t want anything to do with you, friend or not. So I’m kinda at a loss as to what to do to meet people, since I’m not religious and not planning on attending any classes anytime soon.
On my birthday, my SO gave me a balloon on a string. I went up to each door in my apartment building while holding it, knocked, and said “Hi! My name is Captain_C. It is my birthday today. Would you like to play some cards at my place?” Got about 6 takers, was a good time. I talk to most of them still.
I get asked this A LOT. Because of what I do (I work at the local newspapers and I’m one of the coordinators of the Community Briefs and Community Calendar) I know about pretty much EVERYTHING that’s going on for fun in the community (and some not-so-fun things). MOST local-style newspapers have a calendar section. That’s where I’d start. Look on the 'net for your town+your state activities - a lot of towns have a free online calendar for that kind of thing (I know mine does).
The Tashaboy and I were having a similar situation. We looked and a bar here in town holds karaoke every Saturday night - LOADS of fun. And the local business group holds a wine walk the first Saturday of every month, and we LOVE wine. We’re just a dinky little town in Nevada (albeit the Capital) and there’s really not much going on here - or at least, that’s what I thought until I started doing the Calendar. We’ve got hula classes, tai jitsu classes, basketweaving classes, all kinds of art gallery shows, all kinds of free concerts, plays and musicals, and just generally all kinds of cool things.
Thing is, you’ve got to do some research into what goes on in your town and what you two might be interested in. The Tashaboy and I have found all kinds of stuff that keeps us busy, and made tons of friends in the process. It just takes going out to a little more of a public venue - with people who have the same interests as you. Generally, I’ve found, bars and classes tend to have the same groups of people, over and over.
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