After graduating, all of my friends have either moved to new cities or moved back in with family. I find myself without the huge group of friends I had at my first college (of 2 years) or in my current city where I graduated from. One of my very good friends has moved out of the city, and his overbearing girlfriend has severely restricted communication with his friends. I notice that most of my friends are also struggling to meet new people, unless they’re doing something specifically young person centered, like TFA. I’m the youngest person in my workplace by a good 15 years, and they have spouses and kids and such. I’m at a bit of a loss as to how to meet friends; there seems to be plenty of places to meet single people, and a large market for it, but it’s not like you can quite walk into a bar and say “Hi, I’d like to be your friend”.
I’ve joined meetup.com (but haven’t attended anything yet) but I’m running into the same problem there as well; most people seem to be much older than me. This is definitely a function of the city as well; Pittsburgh is an aging city. The most active young-people group is for singles, and I’m not single. Would it be disingenuous to join to meet friends? I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone unknowingly. I feel like at some point I’d have to disclose the “truth”, so to speak.
So, how did you or do you meet people after college?
Is this a female thing? My GF grew up around here where we live but the friends she had have all moved away and her closest friends are from college who dispersed all over the country after graduating; she really has no friends of her own. Everyone we hang out with are my friends and their SOs, but my friends’ SOs all pretty much have the same deal as my GF. Do women lose the ability to make friends after graduating college or something?
Most of my friends are people I met after college and the group is regularly added to. It’s easy. Throw a party, invite everyone you know, tell them to invite everyone they know and everyone they know. You’ll be drowning in friends in no time.
Yes but DCnDC, how did you meet them to begin with? How did you meet that *first *post-collegiate friend? The problem is the people I know in the city are all my boyfriend’s friends. While some of them are close enough to me that they’re my friends too, they are all undergrads or grad students who will likely move away too. As callous as it sounds, I don’t want to invest all of my time into them as they’re sure to be leaving. I already have tons of friends scattered across the US. I spend a lot of time keeping in contact with them, by phone, email, text, etc.
I’ll go to my grave before I go to church on my own again.
Zsofia, how old are you, are you in a small town, mid sized or big city?
I’m on meetup! I play stupid games like dodgeball and kickball and met cool people. Most people who are into that kind of thing aren’t old, so my advice would be to join a youthful type group. Most of my grown up, post-college friends, though, are from work or the bar. Them’s tricks, you know. If it makes you feel better, I’ve heard this same complaint from endless people in their mid-to-late 20s. That is, meeting new people gets much harder once you leave school.
I began my group of friends through work… basically my whole team liked to hang out outside of office hours. That way, I met their significant others, then started going to their parties which led to meeting their other friends.
I tried taking classes and stuff to meet people. I haven’t met anyone I liked much, that way.
I’m terrible at social stuff and making new friends. I’ll tell you how I’ve made about half the friends I have now. They are women in the same volunteer organization as me. This is a cause that attracts people who have similar approaches to large parts of life, so it’s a good pool to find friends in.
Personally, I think the framework and scheduling of a volunteer group helps a lot. My atheist parent meetup group isn’t very structured, and I find myself not going to events. But as a volunteer, I need to show up regularly, and I also need to work with other people to achieve goals (something that will be missing from taking classes or doing a meetup). That lets you get to know people without necessarily being friends, and then choose who you’d like to have a personal relationship with.
If you want a broad spectrum of people, Red Cross or Habitat for Humanity might work. If you want someone of your political persuasion, you could volunteer for the local party of your choice, or you could join a more specific cause that’s near and dear to your heart - you’ll be working with people who feel the same way, and that’s a great base for friendship.
Most of my friends I met after college have been FOF types. I accepted every invitation that came my way, plus I had to put myself out there to call acquaintances and invite them to do Saturday-afternoon stuff with me (movies, shopping, etc) For me the key was to be open to hanging out with a crowd where I wasn’t super fond of everyone, and calling people I didn’t necessarily see as my next BFF. That included people outside my age group, people who were attached to their SO (and would only hang out from 1-4pm on Saturday), etc. Ever so often someone brings a friend you get along with, or you run into Sue and Becky three or four times at different outings, and Sue and Becky just start to include you in stuff because you’re nice and you show up.
FWIW my closest group of friends from my 20’s came through a sorta chance Saturday afternoon outing with a friend who was visiting from out of town. She invited me along to go to a movie with some other friends of hers I never met before. Everyone got along, and the local girls figured out I was new in town so they nicely invited me to so-and-so’s birthday dinner next weekend. So I went to the birthday party of someone I just met, and it went from there.
Join a service or community organization, where you can donate your time. It’s a great way to meet people with similar interests.
Get involved with a political campaign.
Get to know your neighbors better. Invite them over for dinner or plan an outing with them.
If you’re not already, making new friends requires you to be a bit more extroverted. What’s that old saying…“to get a friend, you have to be a friend”.
Extroversion from an introvert who’s not used to it can be weird. If I make myself be outgoing and interactive, rather than just naturally being with people I already know and whose company I enjoy, I can be a little creepy.
Not to say you’re wrong, of course. But it’s easier said than done.
Hmm, that’s good advice. I take working out sooper seriously (lifting and swimming are also solitary), but I could give it a shot. I don’t drink much, I’d rather go out for a cheap meal, so I joined a group that goes out to dinner (they seem older, but possibly childless, so that would work).
I think part of the difficulty also lies in not being single. I met a funny girl at a party a month back, and I jokingly remarked that we should hang out sometime. Her response was something like “Oh I’d love that - but you’re not single!”. At first it had me , but then I guess she was right. Because a lot of meeting people at my age seems to be going to a cheap bar and drinking. Honestly, when I turned 21, the allure of drinking stopped, and I now have 1-2 drinks/week.
I am extroverted, I’m just picky about my friends. I have many close friends that I developed in middle school, not because I haven’t gotten out and made friends in new places, but because our interests align and our sense of humor does, as well as our loyalty to one another.
Thanks for all the advice everyone, keep it coming!
Mid-sized city - Columbia, SC, which is the state capitol and a college town. I’m 30, which is kind of old here, you know? And I don’t like to do the bar thing and all. “Get involved in a political campaign”? My boyfriend ran for mayor. It was excruciating. I guess it’s that whole introvert-extrovert thing again. I don’t want a bunch of acquaintances, I want, you know, girl best friends like I used to have. My boyfriend is my best (and sort of only close) friend, which is like having your president be your head of government and head of state. But it’s partly my fault - I don’t go out of my way to pursue friends I sort of have. But they’re all his friends, so it’s, you know, weird.
Sorry, I got bummed out last night pretty hard because an ex Facebooked me and it just reminded me of when I used to have all my own friends.
It has varied for me depending on the city I was in - Madison, WI, was the most successful, Portland, OR, the least - but I’ve made a bunch of friends from OKCupid when I’ve moved. You get to pre-screen for shared interests, and you’re not fighting the odds of being in the same place at the same time.
I could have written this post, minus the mayor thing. If I ever move to South Carolina, we’re getting dinner. I won’t say “and vice-versa” because nobody moves to Pittsburgh! I’d like some girl friends, but man are they hard to come by. I have too many acquaintances and not enough people I want to spend actual time with. And of course there are very few guys who can be friends with a girl without wanting to bang her, such is the sorry state of affairs. My boyfriend is my best friend and always will be, but I still need and want my own friends. His friends are either single or have horrible, horrible partners (I think I detailed one once - she forgot to take her BC pill, told me, and then I spent the night paralyzed with fear and ended up not telling him. A decision I regret to this day. Another stuck a wedding dress in their shared closet as a passive-aggressive way of dragging him to the altar.) So I can’t be friends with them, for obvious reasons.
This thread makes me feel so much better because I thought it was just me. All of my (now long-distance) friends have plenty of friends, but I’ve moved away from them and now find myself alone in my new area. I actually met a lot of those friends through a volunteer organization, so I’ll have to try something similar around here. Or maybe volunteer at an animal shelter, so that if I can’t meet any humans, at least I’ll have some dog friends.
Hey, my mom’s from Pittsburgh! Now that Grandma’s gone I can’t see going up there in the wintertime just for my aunts and uncles, though. When we left Grandma’s funeral the temperature was one degree.
gallows fodder, most of my now long-distance friends don’t have friends. The ones who do are in TFA or some similar job for young people; but the nurses, engineers, accountants, etc don’t. Especially with the state of hiring nowadays, there’s a big gap in the age of new hires and everyone else.
Maybe I’ll try the animal shelter too. Animal shelter and kickball.
Zsofia, I don’t blame you. SC has a great climate. You know what a great, sought after perk of an apartment is here? Free heat!
Watching this thread with some interest.
, but then I guess she was right. Because a lot of meeting people at my age seems to be going to a cheap bar and drinking. Honestly, when I turned 21, the allure of drinking stopped, and I now have 1-2 drinks/week.