I mean that today I often see most people on some sort of device or another, even when they are in the same room together. It’s like people just get together to do their own thing but with company. I try to strike up a conversation and whatnot, but even when I get a number from someone it’s like they never want to talk. Either that or they just text a single response and then it’s over. No dialogue.
I’m just wondering how people do it these days. Some make it look easy, and maybe it is. Maybe I’m just bad at this. But it seems like when I get contact info that’s the end of further interaction. I get that people have their own lives and stuff, but it just seems like it’s easier than ever to ignore people with technology. I mean if we aren’t going to talk or hang out at all then why did I bother with exchanging info.
I feel like there is something I am missing. I would rather not blame it on the times because there’s little I can do there.
Maybe it’s because I have a different idea of a conversation. But after I get it they don’t want to chat (mostly just give a response to my question and some summary of their day and then nothing, sometimes no response). What I ask if they want to hang out there is no response or anything. It’s like I get someone’s number but they never want to see me again.
You didn’t mention your age, but when you say “these days”, do you mean you found it easier to make friends years ago as compared to today? If not, it could be just a series unfortunate coincidences of a more outgoing person meeting some who are less so. My closest, and most long friendships are with people who I’ve come to know slowly and gradually over time: 10-20 years. We know each other as well, and in some cases, better as their families know us, but it took time for the details to come up…we never really asked about them: they took years to come out…naturally. A week, or two, or even three after I first met them, conversations were clipped, and related to what was happening then.
I’ve been in situations where I’ve met people ( mostly in the workplace ) who were good to work with, affable enough, but seemed to try too hard to be “friendly” by asking me constant questions, sometimes personal questions, fairly soon after meeting: “Where are you from?”, “do you have family here?”, “you married?”, “girlfriend?”, “is she from around here?”, “what do you like to do?”, “where do you live?”, “have you heard of …?”, “we should get together…you wanna grab a beer?”. All very nice on paper, but causes unease for me. Decorum prevents me from saying “what, are you writing a book?”.
Are you in high school? I can’t remember the last time I ever asked someone if they wanted to just “hang out.” If I get someone’s number it’s because it’s to do something specific–then, in the course of whatever that is, we may (or may not) become friends. And then, after becoming friends, we may just “hang out.”
Most grown adults don’t have the luxury of time to get together to just hang out for the sake of it with someone they don’t even know yet
In general, it becomes harder to make friends the older you get for the simple fact that more people tend to already have the friends they need as time goes on.
The thing is that I have tried the usual techniques with friends but I didn’t realize that the questions being asked were uncomfortable rather than showing interest. What I was told is that such things were standard questions that people asked each other to get to know each other. I was told that people love to talk about themselves so if you ask about their lives it shows interest. Maybe that’s wrong.
I didn’t know that hanging out wasn’t used anymore either. So what then?
Almost all of the friends I’ve made post-college are friends-of-friends. My friends would invite me to events and they’d invite their other friends and I’d see these other people a few times and do some chit-chat and sort of get to know their deal. Then we’d friend eachother on Facebook and then we’d be passively friends (watching each other’s lives go by on the newsfeed). Then we’d see each other more at more mutual-friend events and maybe at some point we’d get to where we’re having deep conversations or texting each other.
Like my friend J went to college and met some cool people, and after college he’d have parties and invite me and his college friends. These college friends would invite their high school friends and I’d become friends with the college friends and the college friends’ friends. And even one of the friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friends I’m friends with her sister and we do stuff together from time to time without any of the associated friend chain.
I’ve made at least a dozen friends this way. Very cool.
Seems like meeting a random person once at an event and getting their number and then texting them about their day is just way too direct. For me, having that passive relationship on social media before having a texting sort of relationship seems way smoother.
Maybe it’s because I have a different idea of a conversation. But after I get it they don’t want to chat (mostly just give a response to my question and some summary of their day and then nothing, sometimes no response). What I ask if they want to hang out there is no response or anything. It’s like I get someone’s number but they never want to see me again.[/QUOTE
Are you conversations along the lines of your posting history? Most people don’t want to engage in long philosophical conversations or be asked questions that are of little interest to them. You’ve had several of your threads closed because your questions and answers (including those of other posters) lead nowhere.
Friendships develop because there’s a mutual benefit between the persons involved. The “…summary of their day…” is part of a “normal” conversation. Most people want to talk about themselves or a common interest, not be a sounding board for questions that have no answer or no end.
No, that’s absolutely right. The secret to good conversation is to ask questions. Don’t turn it into an interrogation, of course, but people love talking about themselves.
I strongly recommend you read Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends and Influence People.” EVERYONE should read it. It’s an old book but still popular, and for a good reason; it’s wonderful.
I think it’s in the public domain now, so you can probably get it for free or for a nominal fee if you don’t mind reading it on a screen.
In terms of practical advice, going out and looking for friends is kind of pointless. Joining groups with common interests is a better idea. Go do something you like with other people, and the friends will eventually make themselves known.
I’ll posit that it has become harder and largely because community is a dying thing. Not that it’s impossible, but it used to be that life was lived more communally and not being in the community was an exception. Now, it’s the opposite. Most life is lived individually and being in the community is the exception. People I think tend to schedule their community more. “We play Dodgeball at 7 o’clock on Tuesdays” more so than “I’m heading down to the auto shop to chat.” I think the fall of churches impacts at least part of that. It used to be that you had these groups of people that would constitute your life and now it’s more like people that flit in and out of it with the only real steady people being your coworkers. It changes the dynamic of making friends in pretty profound ways.
I have made more new friends in the past two years than I had in the previous twenty.
Moving to a new state and habitually day drinking is my life hack.
Friends of friends seems to be a common account that I have heard among other people. I think my issue is the slow burn thing. I get how trying to get them to divulge too much too soon is an issue and makes people uncomfortable. But how do you balance the gradual while not coming off as disinterested.
Neither of my kids have a circle of friends like I did in the 70’s. Nor do they climb onto half-built houses, climb trees, build treehouses, get into dirt clod fights. Also, through FB I’ve discovered a huge portion of my former friends/acquaintances are idiots.
I don’t know what type of conversations you try to have in meatspace, but here, at least, you tend to say things that suggest that you are very negative and/or depressed, and that usually doesn’t lead to people wanting to spend more time with someone. Are you trying to have conversations like this, this, this, and this?
Social media. You follow them, they follow you, you learn about each other without having to specifically ask. Interact with them to let them know you appreciate or share interests. Get invited to and attend the same events they are at. Plan your own events and invite them as well as your mutual friends. Yadda yadda…you’re friends.
I’m 39 by the way, so I’m a decade older than you. I didn’t really get good at this until I was about your age and I’ve had a decade to perfect it. But also, social media was just taking a strong hold when I was your age.
I’m not a big social media person, so most of my current friendships are through shared activities - either work, or meet-up-type groups. Look up meet-up groups in your area and start attending them regularly. Atheist groups, philosophy groups, walking/hiking groups, dinner groups, science discussion groups, etc. You’ll have a good time, while also meeting and getting to know new people.
I remember trying something like that, but most of the meet up groups either had no members or the group was still listed but hasn’t been active for over a year. Plus I am still a bit anxious about telling some people that I am gay. I know that things are getting better in terms of public attitude about it, but that has always been a bit of an anxiety point with me.
This is the problem. You are approaching it with the goal of making friends. As if it is any other problem to be mechanically solved.
Approach it with the goal of having a good time.
If you already talked, bring up what you talked about ,take it from there.
If you haven’t then find something , anything about them you find interesting or cool.
And yes , don’t ask to hang out , ask to do something specific.
If you know little of the person, make it a pretty broad activity.
It helps if it conveniently lines up to what you’ve talked about.
Btw, this all applies with romantic interests as well.