I think you might be right. I’m being too direct which might be putting people off.
I think it’s entirely possible. It sounds like you may be approaching this as, “I want new friends,” and you’re setting out for that goal when you first meet people. Even if you aren’t literally going up to new acquaintances and saying, “will you be my friend?”, if people get that vibe from how you talk to them, that’s something that a lot of people might find offputting / creepy.
For most people, friendships grow naturally (and not always quickly) out of social contacts – you meet someone (often via mutual friends or relatives, at work, or at a social gathering), and as you get to know that someone over time, if you discover that you have mutual interests in common, and you get along, you realize that you’ve become friends.
Eg;
A warm meeting
Hey machina, remember when we were discussing that Broward meditation thing?
( We weren’t but for the sake of example let’s just say I was in on that)
You:
Yeah?
Me: all right so I know a lot of their stuff is bullshit but what do you think about meditation in general?
You:
Idk I’m obviously curious.
Me: well, I think in general it might be kind of beneficial, doesn’t hurt to give it a shot I guess. I know it isn’t quite the exact one but they’re having some kinda class at the library this weekend, wanna check it out?
And Bam now we’re going and can continue our conversation.
If this helps at all I can give you an example of a cold meet.
Now already if I wanted to make friends I could say hey, listen I used to have the same trouble. If you want to practice this stuff I’ll help just play the other person and see what tips i can give you…Bam were well on our way to being friends.
It sounds so easy that way that other people do it, but maybe I am making it out to be something more than what it is. Like maybe it isn’t as hard as I believe it to be.
There was another poster that was looking for a girlfriend and insisted that falling in love could be broken down to: If I do A, then B and C must logically follow. Love and friendships don’t work that way. What works with one person, may turn another completely off and vice-versa. Be yourself and be natural, listen far more than you speak and let the 'friendship" develop. It may take several meetings before you click or don’t click.
Personally, if I just meet someone and even I we talked for an hour or so, I’d be reluctant to give them my phone number as I view this as part of my personal space reserved for those I feel comfortable with. If I did give them my number, I’d wouldn’t expect a call or text the next day or two, that would be creepy, even as a guy.
You say you don’t speak about the things you post on this forum, but you may be giving off that vibe. The fact that you’ve posted them here is proof that it’s on your mind somewhere and people can sense that.
I like to ask people what they do for a living, and where they’re from. If they’re not from here then I ask how they got to be here. They always have very interesting answers and conversations can last a very long time. And I always learn something.
Last weekend I was at an event where I didn’t know anyone, a meet-up type thing. I sat with two other ladies and asked them about their jobs and where they were from and we sat and talked for 2 hours. I didn’t have to say hardly anything about myself, other than when relevant to the conversation.
I used to be terribly shy, and I still am. But I’m to the point where I can meet new people and have conversations. Part of it is letting go of being self conscious, which is easy to say, but it does come with age. But, if you don’t talk about yourself (see above) there’s nothing to be self conscious about.
I have a friend that I met within the past couple years and I can tell that he is either shy himself or feels bad for me because he can tell I’m shy and weird. He always asks me what I am doing over the weekend. Sometimes I actually have something to do and we talk about that and whatever flows naturally and time flies by. Other times I have nothing planned and I ask him what he’s doing and the conversation goes that way. When we see each other again we can say “Hey how was that thing you told me about?” Nice stuff.
If you’re feeling self conscious about being gay you would really do yourself a favor to try to find some sort of gay-centered event. Maybe that part of your life is making you act stilted and you would find it much easier to talk to others if that wasn’t weighing on your mind.
I’m trying to get over my fear of people myself. I had a few bad experiences in the past where my kindness and friendship backfired horribly and now it’s hard to trust new people that they won’t hurt me. I know that logically that was then and this is now,but the fear is real is persists. Fear of rejection is part of it too, even though I know I won’t die from it sometimes I wish I would.
I think you’re conflating “meeting new people” with “making new friends” like others have pointed out. There’s no hurting or rejection to be had when organically conversing with new people. They can’t hurt you, they’re not your friends. They’re just people you’re talking to.
Their ability to hurt you comes waaaaay down the line after you’ve actually become friends. Mutually agreed upon friendship.
You need to just work on meeting people and being comfortable around people, and being yourself around people. With no expectations whatsoever. You need to not laser-focus on anyone with the intention of being friends. You need to be part of groups, be around when familiar people are around.
If you go in to a setting and find a person expecting to be friends with them and it doesn’t work out, yeah that’s hard. That gives you that rejection feeling. If you go in all casual and work on the aspect of you being able to talk to a multitude of other people, the friendships will be easier to create.
Forgive me for asking this but I thought gays have a pretty good social scene. The bars, clubs, meetups, and pride events and all it seems like gays seem to always be socially engaged. Much more than us straight men where often our first and only best friend is our wives.
Appearances deceive.
I’m in the process of making a new friend. About 5 months we got randomly put together in a car driving to an event for our kids. We chatted a bit and it came up that he wanted to learn about whiskey while I’m fairly involved in the local whiskey scene. I invited him out for a tour of local distilleries which we went on about a month after we met without really talking between the two dates aside from coordination stuff. He invited my family over to an event at his house but we were out of town abut a month later and then repeated the invitation for a different event two months after that which we went to. I haven’t talked to him in a couple of months and I was just thinking that we needed to get together so I’ll come up with something for us to do in the next month or so.
All of that is too say we hang out and enjoy each other’s company but don’t just randomly get together we’re still at the event focused part of the friendship. Maybe in a year or two we’ll do more of the random Friday BBQs type of friendship and in twenty years we’ll just chat randomly.
It takes time to make friends. When you in school and spending 8 hours together every day for years and then hanging out on the weekend they for much quicker than when you’re scheduling time around work and family and your other friends to get the same amount of time in. Initially, your focus should be on someone that is fun to talk to and that you don’t want to either hit them or yourself after an hour. Find things you enjoy doing with that person. Talk about things you’ve done in the past when you get together in the future. Once you’ve done that several times then it time to start thinking about making them into a friend and even then their are different levels of friendships.
I find that most guys who have friends, make them thru sports, clubs, or just by being neighbors. You dont just randomly make friends.
Sort of like as parents you make friends with the other parents involved in your kids sports or activities.