How do I make new friends?

In My Humble Opinion
41

Actually, I think I was the one that recomended just going up and saying “hi” to people.

Geography plays a big factor. I live in NYC so there are a lot of opportunities for me to go socialize with people. I try to get involved in my school and fraternity alumni organizations. I go to office happy hours (even though I don’t like my coworkers). My problem is that my job takes me on the road 4 days a week so I make a lot of “single serving friends” (see Fight Club). People on projects or at the client site who I hang out with for a while but then never see again.

Now I’m not particularly comfortible with walking up to strangers. It’s a learned skill that doesn’t come naturally. Probably the biggest test was when I signed up for a college alumni booze cruise in Boston. I get on the boat and turns out I didn’t know a single person. Pretty much sucked since I didn’t particularly bond with anyone on that particular trip. The following year however, was better and actually spent the evening hanging out with (and later dating) a girl and a couple of her friends.

What I’ve noticed is that if you keep doing stuff you like, you start to run into people in other places- the gym, the neighborhood, the local Starbucks. Eventually, you create a “circle” of friends, acquintences and places. When I was in my 20s, I actually had several - my work people, my fraternity/college alumni friends, and I had friends who had their similar “circles” that I eventually become apart of.

A couple of common traps that prevent you from making friends:
-The “possee” trap - I know a lot of people (even sociable people) who are afraid of trying any activity that unless their 5 buddies come along. The problem here is that it prevents you from branching out since you don’t do anything by yourself and when you do go out, you only hang out with your friends.

-Sitting at home - It’s easy to get sucked into just sitting around playing on the internet or watching TV of six hours on a Sunday. Go out and do something, fatty!

-Waiting for the phone to ring - Some people don’t do anything unless it is planned for them.

-The SO trap - A lot of guys I know start dating and then fall off the face of the earth. You can’t have your entire social life tied to a single person.

-The dork trap - A lot of people who are shy and socially awkward tend to hang out with similar people. Try to make friends with people who are more outgoing. A lot of wild, outlandish people like hanging out with a milder “straight man”.

-Being too judgemental - If you are such a snob that you have no one to hang out with, you might want to rethink that strategy.

42

I have what has become (and it took a long time to get there) a very close group of girlfriends. We’ve been “bookclub” for ten plus years, and - although most of us have known each other for far longer - it took until about three or four years ago before they became “the group of friends we are going to have for the rest of our lives.”

Now, we are a little stale. We’ve known each other a long time. We have stories and pasts and when we get together it can be hard to follow. But we love new blood and new perspectives - its just SCARY for anyone who doesn’t know us to spend time together - so we haven’t had a lot of success.

Recently I invited a coworker to join us. She’s new to town, so she doesn’t have a lot of in town friends. She fits with the group - she has the right sense of humor, etc. And she’s persistant. She’s worked where tens on tens of others have failed at integrating. The others would say its our fault, we are too insular. We would say its their fault - you just need to stick it out, make somewhat of a pest of yourself - go where you are invited - invite others…and eventually you will share the stories.

The great thing about the circle is we don’t all need to be “best friends” - together we are friends enough. And we communicate via e-mail - which means that we send out invitations to go see a movie, and we don’t pick - it goes out to everyone on the email list. And if you drop from sight for a few months for a class, you can just show up when something does work in your schedule.

43

My baby sister auditioned for a role in a community theater play several years ago. She was originally cast as a dancer in a non-speaking role, but had her part expanded because she was more dependable than people who’d been cast as speaking characters. Through hard work and practice she eventually made her way to major roles. She also made a lot of friends, worked on a lot of shows both as an actress and a lighting technician (a field she had no previous experience in), and even got her name and photo in the local papers several times.

So if you’re willing to do the work and put in the time, I’d recommend community theater as a great way to expand your social horizons. Even if you can’t get so much as a bit part right away, they may need someone to help with costumes, props, sets, lights, sound, etc. This is especially true for smaller theaters without big sponsors. And if you hang around enough, you’re almost certain to eventually get cast in something if only because people with “dramatic temperaments” are notoriously unreliable!

44

Reading a book on the subject could help. I bought a textbook from a college level ‘interpersonal communication’ class, and it had some good info about how interpersonal bonds form, what makes them stronger, what makes them weaker, how they start, etc. I know its obvious but books on how friendships work and how interpersonal relations work could help you out a little bit.

45

Hmm. Perhaps the first thing you could try is “Hey, let do lunch. I know this great little place just around the corner.” Something like that.

46

Really? That doesn’t seem to apply to me. I get annoyed when people ask me to do them favours.

:smiley:

47

That is where I’m at(flip side of the coin). People seem to want to befriend me. But I have plenty. So at work I’m usually not willing to talk.
As far as my current friends, things happened naturally. That is to say I didn’t really make a conscious effort to make my friends. One person who I became friends with had a knack for making friends simply by being talkative and friendly :eek: . One thing that struck me is that he said “Morning Tony” the second day of our class. At that point I could’nt remember his name.

48

Just a quick “fill you in”…

This morning while waiting for the train, I was talking to a few of the other “regulars” there… You know, the typical “How was your weekend” chit chat. I mentioned that I had rented a couple of movies, and the subject of current movies came up. I mentioned that I would really like to see the third LOTR movie. One of the girls I was talking to agreed that she would also really like to see it, and said that I should join her.

OK so I didn’t actually do the asking but… Well this is a start, right?

:slight_smile:

49

Yes it is a start , now you have begun your new career in personal networking. Next step is to diversify ,and build upon this with more pals.

Once you get the first couple out of the way , the rest takes care of itself, you may actually find that people gravitate to you , simply because you are doing things and going places , where as their current friends have gotten into the rut of not doing anything.

Declan

50

I was horrendously shy, too, so I do know how it feels. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

51

It is indeed. Well done!

Julie

52

Wow, I could have been the OP, but as I’d already posted a bunch of threads about dating and stuff I felt like a loser.

I’ve found that having some cool factoids handy makes it really easy to strike up/continue a conversation with a new person. Belonging to this MB and reading old SD columns are great for this purpose- “Did you know the word assassin comes from the word hashish?” or “Marine iguanas excrete salt by sneezing.” Useless information. I’m full of it.

My social skills are getting better, but I still don’t feel totally comfortable in new places or with new people. But I have been expanding my social circle recently, although I didn’t really intend to. I saw a sign on a bulletin board at school for the college democrats, and decided to go to a meeting (I figured it would look good on my transcript). 2 weeks later, I was the secretary, and now I hang out with the guys in the club. And now I find that I’m more comfortable at parties or in bars, because I don’t feel like everyone’s looking at me like I’m a weirdo (ok sometimes I still feel like that, but it’s happening less and less).

And this may seem counterproductive, but perhaps you should also start doing some things alone. (This may not apply to you) I’m not talking about sitting at home and watching TV, or surfing the net, or reading. If all you do is go to work, go to the store, and go home, then start by just getting out of your house. Go for a jog in a local park. Hang out at a bookstore. Go to a bar. Don’t worry about talking to people at first. Be out in public, and get comfortable with it.

When I decided to take 5 classes this semester, I realized I wasn’t going to be able to see my friends during the week. Not that they’re bad influences, but I knew that I’d much rather be hanging out at Kelly’s house than sitting in my Ethics class, so I chose to cut myself off from them Monday through Thursday. That gave me a lot of free time during the week when I wasn’t in class, at work, or doing homework, so I started doing things alone- going to bookstores, driving around. Being in public with no one to distract me, I was forced to get used to it. Now I realize I don’t stand out as much as I once thought. It’s a lot easier to talk to people when you’re comfortable in that setting. So now I’m more comfortable meeting new people, which I’d been wanting to do for a while- my group of friends is tiny, and I want to find a boyfriend, which is hard since all the guys I know are either taken, not attractive, or assholes.

So get comfortable being out first, then maybe try a new hobby. Something like yoga could work- you could start out at home with a video tape, and when you’re reasonably sure you won’t make a fool of yourself, take a class at the Y.

And I’ll second the notion of becoming a regular at a bar, bookstore, etc. You’ll find that people will start coming up to you, just because they’ve seen you there so much and are curious about you.

53

I’m in the same boat as the OP. I moved to this area when I got married and even now four years later the only people I know are my husband’s friends and family and my coworkers. I get along great with my coworkers when I’m at work, but I don’t fit in either of the meeting-outside-of-work groups–the younger girls who go out to the bars and clubs, and the older women who go to the casino. When I complained to my husband he pointed out that most of his “friends” around here are more like casual acquaintances than real friends and he doesn’t really have anybody to hang out with either. We’ve decided to expand our social horizons but don’t know where to go. We can’t afford to take any classes, we’re not the bar type, and while the book club or volunteering thing would work for me he’s not really thrilled with those suggestions. Any other ideas?

54

I think patience plays a big part in this process of “making new friends.” In my experience, I’ve had a hard time finding people with similar interests who are actually decent human beings! Many of the people I was still friends with after high school ended up turning looney (to be technical about it), or just being downright selfish and mean to me. So, when looking for new friends, I think it is always beneficial to have patience, give the other person the benefit of the doubt, but don’t set yourself up for disappointment for when your new best friend ends up being an unreasonable, narcissistic, greedy, manipulative, anal-retentive butthead… (no bitterness here) I don’t mean to be negative about it. I guess my experience has shown that willingness to sacrifice for the sake of maintaining a friendship can go a little too far. Then again, this doesn’t apply so much when getting out to meet people, just something to keep in mind… hm, in fact, I’m thinking I shouldn’t have mentioned it at all.

Back to what I was saying. Right, patience. Tellme, I definitely think you’re on the right track talking about going to see a movie. Take it one step at a time. Once you feel confident with one step (i.e. the mention of ever doing anything outside work, etc.), start getting comfortable with the next step (i.e. getting a phone number/e-mail address, then following through with the call/e-mail, etc…).

I remember my 9th grade English teacher telling us that “nothing good ever comes easy,” and “truly good things are rarely comfortable.”

There I go attempting to give advice that I can’t take myself. I’m not exactly a professional friend-maker myself, in case you can’t tell. :rolleyes:

Logan

55

I want to turn the question around, if that is okay. How do you handle people who try to reach you, but who you can’t handle well because of poor social skills?

I started college this january, and I think I stand out in my class… I always draw inbetween classes, I got an old 70’s military jacket and Bob Dylan (à Blonde on Blonde) hair, so I’ve sort of become “the beatnik”. Being typecasted can be good, I suppose, or bad. Being noticed vs. being alienated.

Anyways, I’m rather shy though, and wen a couple of people have approached I’ve barely been able to come up with anything, I reply shyly and finish my coffee, and there’s just awkward silence. My heart screams for a good dialogue though, 'cause I really do want to know these people that surround me.

56

That’s an excellent question, Cactus Waltz.

I hate that tongue-tied, at-a-loss-for-words, feeling.

Blah.

Myself, I’m usually far better off if someone else does the approaching. One thing I tend to do is keep the conversation focused on the other person - then they do the talking, I get to listen, and pick up on other things to talk about.

Oh, and, by your description you sound like the kind of person that I would be drawn to - sounds like you’ve got that quiet, brooding thing going. :wink: (I’ve always been convinced that the brooders are actually really just trying to keep their amazing personalities secret from the rest of the world).

57

And speaking of which, I hear they’re having Tequila shooters tonight at the club… Wanna go?

:smiley:

Tell me that does sound like dating :wink: But you’re right… and patience is SUCH a challenge for me.

Thanks :slight_smile:

And thanks to all of you… I hope this thread stays alive for a while… I think there’s some great advice in here, and clearly a few people who have been looking for it… In the meantime, I’ll keep you posted as to how I’m doing with it :slight_smile: (All you others out there should do the same, methinks)

58

I don’t have too much to add, but I haven’t seen anyone write this yet. Get used to rejection, and learn not to take it personally. Especially if you’re starting out w/out many friends, you don’t have too many “in’s” w/ people that make them want to talk or hang out with you. So let’s say you meet someone you’d like to try to become friends w/, ask him/her to get together 2 or 3 times, if it doesn’t happen just forget about it and move on to trying to meet someone new. Oftentimes we get discouraged when we try something new and it doesn’t work instantly, so we give up. I’m reminded of a female friend I had a few years ago who was complaining about how she hadn’t dated in a while (somewhat different, but bear with me). I suggested that she try initiating conversations w/ guys and asking them out, because most guys actually dig that. She said no, she tried that once and it didn’t work. I just laughed and said “you tried it ONCE and it didn’t work, so you’re never going to try it again? I hear no all the time, just move on to the next person and try again.” Go into it realizing you’ll get a lot more “no’s” than “yesses,” learn to forget about the no’s, try again, and focus on the successes. And be patient. It takes a lot of time. It’s a skill that must be learned and practiced.

I second the suggestion to go out alone. You’ll be surprised how many people you meet, because people who are alone are often easier to talk to, because you don’t feel like you’re interupting anything. If you notice someone else who’s alone, go up and say “Hi, I noticed you’re here alone. Would you care to join me?” If they say no or walk off after a couple minutes, just say “OK, it was nice meeting you” and look for someone new to try again. Plus, at least you’re out doing something, which makes you more interesting to prospective friends than just sitting at home on the computer or in front of the TV, thus you don’t feel like you’re wasting your life on the couch.

Hope this helps.

59

MeanJoe touched upon an idea that I’d like to expand upon. Find a fun local (read: not nightclub) bar. Go there at least once a week, preferably on the same day so you’ll have the same bartender. You don’t have to drink alcohol, but you should buy a drink or an appetizer. Your bartender will become friendly with you. The bartender will also be friendly with other regulars. Therefore, you get drawn into the circle of regulars chatting at the bar. You don’t really have to speak, just nodding or laughing makes you part of the group. Of course, trust your vibes. If you don’t care for the “regulars”, try another bar.

It helps if they have NTN trivia because it allows you to interact with other players like teasing them for getting an answer wrong, or teasing yourself for missing one.

Once you feel comfortable around these people, then you can start establishing friendships based on the small talk that has gone on.

I’m a pretty friendly person, but I believe this works even if you are a quiet-type. It worked for me moving from Chicago to Denver, and back to another suburb of Chicago. The key is finding a place that has regulars who appear to be people you’d want to be friends with.

60

Before I got married I had a lot of friends through a ski club. They were fun to do stuff with, but weren’t doing anything for my love life. I was so fed up with the grim dating scene that I was thinking about moving. As a last resort I gave myself a 6 month deadline and joined every organization that interested me. Hiking, sailing, bowling, golf, professional groups, etc. I finally met my future wife in the hiking club. The irony is we didn’t like each other based on first impressions. But after hiking for hours and just talking, we discovered that we got along well. It just goes to show that you shouldn’t judge people by first impressions or how you think they are. It’s what’s inside that counts. I had a lot of women friends in the ski club who had all sorts of expectations for ‘Mr Right’ and as a result kept dating guys who weren’t compatible for them. Being open minded goes a long way. Sorry if I wandered off topic.