Making friends can be hard!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I know some people who are social butterflies- they can make friends effortlessly and have a huge pool of people they can access to share some leisure activity with, or for moral support. I’m the total opposite. It used to be because I was shy, but even now much later being much more friendly around people close to me, I try to make friends but fail for one reason or another.

The problem is parallel to a lot of people’s challenges in relationships- Most people that would like me as a friend have extremely unpleasant qualities (kleptomania, zero sense of ambition, troublemakers, etc) which I am not willing to deal with. Half the time I am convinced these people are only interested in the prospect of mooching off me.

Another problem is that I have a best friend, whom I’ve known for around fifteen years. Usually it has just been him and I. So I never had a strong desire to make other friends…I always thought that none of them could come close to how great my friendship is with my best friend.

But lately that has started to change. My relationship with my best friend is straining, and the more our lives change the more strained it gets. I am also almost done with school. In the five years I have been going to college, I made zero friends :frowning: It wasn’t as bad when I was in school part-time, but once I got really serious about getting my BA degree and was spending more time on campus, I began to get lonely. I really didn’t have anybody else to hang out with, and I felt completely alone in my struggles in school. I thought since I am almost done with school, I might as well get something more positive out of it, and tried to make friends with some people who hung out in the student union.

This was a group of Japanese and Chinese-american students (one caucasian guy in the group) I had similar interests with them, and played against one member of the group in the arcade. I started to try to work my way into the group in a subtle manner so they wouldn’t think of me as “that annoying white guy who always bothers us” which some people used to label me as :frowning: . My efforts were in vain. I think the problem I had was that they were extremely clique-ish, and while we shared some interests, they really didn’t like people with different opinions. They also had kind of unusual quirks which were a little unnerving. One guy was very flamboyantly gay, and let me stress I had no problem with his sexual preference, but he was really pushy about pointing out that he was gay. Even when I acknoleged his gayness by saying, “Yes, I understand that you are gay. That is fine by me, I really don’t have any problem with it”. I told the guy I was straight, and figured that would be the end of it, but it wasn’t- I really felt like the guy was trying to go out of his way to make me feel uncomfortable the way he acted around me; he’d go into lurid stories about how he goes to Yaoi conventions and they would have ‘slave’ auctions and ‘do things’ in the hotel rooms. I think he was trying to freak me out, but it really didn’t faze me (the internet has desensitized me to a lot of things, including sex-crazed eighteen year old guys who go to conventions, dress up in costumes, and have some forty-ish guy pay them to spend thirty minutes spanking them in a hotel room. ) There was also a girl in the group who would completely flip out if I looked at her, even just a parting glance, or turning my head. No explanation, no “I was raped by some guy who looked exactly like you and just can’t stand to have you look at me, I’m sorry its nothing personal etc etc” If I was sitting in a chair, staring at a wall, and she was in my field of vision, she would be brandishing her middle finger at me and mouthing “fuck you fuck you fuck you” at me :eek: and after a few minutes of this just suddenly storm off in a huff and be gone for hours :confused:

There were some other people who had quirks I can’t remember, but the bottom line was I really felt like they really didn’t like me, and were trying to be extrmely passive-agressive to drive me away. It worked eventually, because I realized there was no way they would accept me, when they would be using group tactics- having one guy standing really close asking loudly if I liked gay sex when I repeatedly told him its not my thing, while his female companion is standing ten feet away, waving her middle finger at me and silently shouting what I can only assume is obscenities :frowning:

2

I feel your pain. Not long ago, I posted a thread asking how an adult makes friends… It’s not easy, but I have made a bit of progress. I think a lot of my problem has been, I’m so terrified of being rejected that I was sending out a “Please don’t talk to me” vibe. I’ve been working on canceling that, and trying to do things that I might normally not. (Ex: I attended an NYC Doper Dinner not too long ago, something that I immensely enjoyed, but had almost bailed on out of sheer fear. Seriously; I showed up at the place we were supposed to meet, saw a bunch of people outside, and my heart quailed. I almost turned around and went home. I’m so glad I didn’t.) The upshot is, since working on the vibe, I’ve been asked to attend an Elton John concert (until we both realized it was going to cost in the neighborhood of $175!), a few movies (Passion of the Christ at the 2.00 theater this Friday!) and a few small get togethers. It’s an improvement.

So the moral of the story is… work on the vibe - it seems that the really outgoing, gregarious people will be a lot more willing to make the first move if you make it look like you’d be receptive. I think it’s this same vibe that draws the klepto/ambitionless/instigator types. I was drawing a lot of them too, and man, do they sap your energy.

Oh, and to me, it sounds a lot less like the group you tried to befriend didn’t like YOU so much as, you didn’t like them. Which is perfectly understandable, from your description. You don’t have to like everyone; you don’t have to settle for the people that will accept you. But you really should like the people that you hang around. If not, you’re going to find yourself surrounded by a bunch of people you can’t stand.

3

I haven’t made a new friend in a few years, but I seem to be losing the ones that I do have. Partly because I moved a thousand miles away from them. I lost my best friend over piece of crap boyfriend (who might I add dropped her as soon as she got pregnant but the damage to the friendship was already done).

Things were so much easier in school. You became friends with your classmates or your neighbors. College was not so easy. Schedules changed too often, classmates would come and go.

Most people that would talk to me either wanted a cigarette and would disappear right after they were done or they were very creepy stalker type guys. I actually had one guy who registered for a class he didn’t need because he found out I was in it. He disappeared midway through the semester thank goodness.

Now I’m not working and I’m not really adventurous. I only leave the house when I have something specific to do, which is normally grocery shopping. Not exactly the place to meet new friends.

I’ve also been told that I come off as a bitch, which for the most part I’m not. Most people who give me the chance later tell me that their first impression was way off.

4

Heh, I get that exact reaction too. I’m not really “shy”, I wouldn’t say. I simply don’t talk much, especially to strangers.
I’ve also grown out of my old group of party-hardy friends–they’re still partying and I’m raising two small sons on my own. It makes for a very busy bella, and one with not very much in common with anyone I know. So I’m right there with the OP on the frustration of being lonely. For the most part I’m fine with it–I like being alone, I like spending my free-time with my boys, and I really like not having to deal with other people’s drama. But sometimes you just want to be able to call up a friend and catch a movie, or a meal, or even just a chat.
::sigh::

5

I can definitely relate to that ‘please talk to me’ aura lonely people can give off. I was guilty of that for a long time, and had to (painfully) come to the realization myself that very subtle things might be creeping other people out, and trying to look at myself in the “third person” and examining what someone else would think about how I am standing/moving/talking.

However, it is kind of hard to disguise the fact that you are desperately lonely. Some people are really good at picking up on signs of emotional vulnerability (and exploiting it) so it is hard to get beyond the cynical thought of “The nicer I try to be, the more they hate me”.

One of my part-time jobs has me in sort of this situation. I feel like I am an island in a sea of friends- the rest of the staff are all friends with each other, or couples (half of our staff are couples). Nearly all of them all go to the same High School, they all share the same interests, et cetera. When we have staff meetings (where the entire staff is in the same room for an hour) I really see how socially distant I am around them, not because I’m antisocial, but just because virtually everything about my own life (single guy, almost graduating college, 7 years older than everybody else) is pretty far removed from theirs. Sometimes I worry that this works against me, that perhaps the Directors see it as a setback/weakness of mine that would hold me back from getting a job as a Director (which I am working on). :frowning:

6

There’s gotta be someone here from the San Jose area that wouldn’t mind going out for a bear or two. Isn’t that what MPSIMS is all about (with dopefests and all…).

7

You could even go out for the some beer too. :rolleyes:

8

Many of my recent new friends I met online. Including my current best friend. We met 6½ years ago on a message board for women pregnant and due in July of 1998. We discovered we were both in Sacramento and decided to meet at a local cafe for lunch.

I’m always for making new friends, so if there are any Sac area Dopers around who’d like to meet up…let me know!

9

I seem to becoming distant from my friends at the moment. I have friends from when I was in school, and now also have friends who I met at uni. But my parents moved. Now its the summer and I’m ‘home’. Which is no where near either set of friends. I see them when I can, but it’s not as often as I’d like.

10

I find it very difficult to make friends, apparently my “excessive height” (6’2") puts some people off, others think I’m stuck up (no idea why), others think I’m rich :confused: , I think there’s a few who think I’m a lesbian … People who do know me or are pals of mine regard me as a good person with a great sense of humour. Getting past the “first impression” thing isn’t easy - if someone wants to form an irreversible opinion of you based on what you look like, or how you dress, or whatever, you’re *ucked …

A few years back I went through a seriously bad time emotionally and mentally (I was being bullied at work, and when I made a complaint about it, my bully was the person who dealt with my complaint - oddly enough she fired me), I told all my friends I was having a hard time. Not one of them “rallied around” to support me. I ended up having a pretty bad “nervous breakdown”. That was nearly 5 years ago, to this day none of my really good friends have made much if any contact with me. I dare say they’d say “Oh I was waiting for you to contact me” …

11

That is a sad story but maybe this concept will work…I have gone places all by myself and didn’t know anyone so I just looked around for people that seemed like I would get along with and start talking to them and if they were not feeling me then I moved on to another group really quickly and I did that until I have some people to talk to it just takes a lil’ bravery.

12

Incubus-

The roommate and I were talking about this the other day. I stayed in contact with all my high school friends only to have all but one of them settle elsewhere after college. She moved across the country to live with me, so we’re both rather scarce in that department. I work with very nice people but it’s a small company and their all twice my age. And the only organization we belong to involves saving cats, not exactly a draw for my age group. We’re further hindered in that I hate crowds, especially bars and the like

Anyway, I work in Mountain View and live on the Penninsula. If you want to get a drink sometime drop me a line, email in the screen name at aol dot com.

I swear I don’t steal, have moderate ambition and am so not a troublemaker (nickname in the friend group is Mom).

In any case, good luck with the friend search. They have to be out there somewhere.

13

Hey, I live in Sacramento and am a bit on the shy side but am trying to meet more people…especially Dopers. My e-mail is in my profile.

14

Cool! Check your email!

15

Done! :smiley:

16

Many folks say that making friends hard can be fun! :stuck_out_tongue:

17

I’ve always had trouble making friends too, because I’m usually incredibly shy and wait for others to approach me.

Strangely, in the last 3 months that I have been living here, I seem to be trying hard to go against this. I’ve been a lot more talkative to people I don’t know. I’ve been more open and friendly and bubbly, trying to know everyone.

The result? Interestingly, the people I’ve actually become friends with are the ones who STILL approached me first…the ones I started things off with fizzled quickly into mere acquaintances.

18

Well, if nothing else we’ve all learned we’re not the only ones who have a problem making friends. That’s what I love about this board. :slight_smile: I was the only person I knew with a pencil lead tattoo until two days ago on this board. :stuck_out_tongue:

I’ve been told by a couple of people, one being a supervisor, that they didn’t know how to approach me. My SO thought I was a b!tch when he first met me. :smiley: Maybe that’s what it was… Once I get past that, the second problem is that I can be very talkative about things, without really opening up to people. Hence, I can make lots of acquaintances, but few friends. I think it comes from being burned. I’ve had quite a few people in the past call me “best friend”…but I’ve only been able to bestow that title to two of them…one being my SO, the other being the fellow who introduced us.

19

You could join a book club - that’s what I did. There was a posting on craigslist for gals my age and locale. We now have 12 members and we go to movies and interesting places to eat and everything. There are some loud girls (like me) and quiet gals and tall gals and skinny gals and all the rest. It’s pretty cool. I’ve never done anything like that before.

20

Wow…that sucks…Not only are some of you having trouble making friends but your own “patheticness” (for lack of a better term) seems to draw freaks, wierdos, social morons and basically people you wouldn’t even want to associate with. Which of course has the effect of driving away “normals” who would potentiall be your friend and so on…

I don’t like hanging out with pathetic people or people I can’t trust or suspect of having a mental illness or something. In fact, I tend to ruthlessly drive these kinds of people out of my life (this is commonly referred to as being a “dick” or an “asshole”).

People who’s company I enjoy, I make time for. I am considerate of their feelings or interests. I’ll invite them to hang out with me if I am doing something fun (this is commonly referred to as being “cool”).

The trick to happiness is to be an asshole or cool or somewhere in between to the right people at the right time. This may not work everywhere. I had a discussion with a coworker from CA (Im from NYC) who says that out there everyone is friendly to everyone. Well, says I, if you are nice to everyone, how do you diferentiate your friends from everyone else? I come from the old-school philosophy that friendship should be genuine, not a face you put on for the world to see.
START has the right idea. Before you can make lots of friends, you have to be confident of you as a person. You need to be able to do stuff by yourself otherwise you never meet new people. Some people get used to doing everything with the same group of people to the point where when they all scatter (as they will enevitable do unless all your friends are on the “forty year old loser in mom’s basement” track) all of a sudden they have nothing to do. You can’t just glom off other people for entertainment.

So, to sum up. If you find yourself alone and friendless:

  1. Join a group, club or sports team that you are interested in
  2. Be someone people would want to be friends with
  3. Don’t hang out with losers
  4. Branch out beyond your immediate circle of friends
  5. Don’t “glom” off other people
  6. Be cool (not the same as “nice”)
  7. Invite people to do stuff (as opposed to inviting yourself)
  8. Go to the gym or something (at least you’ll LOOK better)