How to get a life?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Right, I know how pathetic that title sounds, but, well, I’m in a pathetic rut and looking to get out of it. Reflecting upon my life, it seems I’ve become and been for several years now a rather boring and bored person; I mean, I used to be, I think, a fairly fun, interesting, life-enjoying guy, but, for reasons not worth going into here, I fell into rather crippling depression halfway through college, withdrew from friends and pretty much everything else I wasn’t forced to do, and my social life never really recovered (I’m 23 and have been in grad school for several years now). I somehow don’t know how to develop hobbies, get involved in activities, meet people, make friends, etc., anymore [it doesn’t seem as easy as it was in high school or the start of college, anyway, where it’s all just kind of automatically thrust upon you]. Apart from just doing what it takes to get by in school, I mostly stay at home and really don’t do anything at all all day. So, teeming millions, some of whom, at least, must have much more interesting, satisfying, fun lives: give me advice. How do I go about achieving all that starting from scratch?

(Sorry if this was the wrong forum for this; I don’t hang around IMHO and MPSIMS much, and sometimes can’t really tell which is best for what)

2

For what it’s worth, I like you. I look forward to reading the things you post, even though the mathy stuff goes way over my head. If we lived in the same place I would totally want to hang out with you.

My favorite trick is baking. I don’t know how much you enjoy cooking or how much of a draw it is for grad students but I’ve found saying to people, “Hey, I’m making sugar cookies and watching a movie on Saturday, if you wanna come over. I’ve got sprinkles.” works wonders. Hopefully someone takes you up on the offer.

Are you on facebook? Surely some people you know are there and a lot of people use it to organize events…

3

This is perfect for IMHO, as you are soliciting advice.

I was in a huge rut, too. The thing you don’t want to do is stay at home, as that will solve nothing. I recommend visiting your local community center/rec center/etc and see if there are any classes, activities that might interest you. It works for some people. Check local bulletin boards and newspapers, too. You’d be surprised the number of activities available even in small communities.

It’s not a bad idea to just get out of your house when you can. Walk around, stop by cafes and bars, both often advertise various activities available in your area and, if you’re feeling ballsy, you can make a few friends there, too.

That’s the route I took, at least. YMMV and all that.

4

Classes are good. Also look and see if you college has any clubs or groups you might like. Do you have a student affairs or student life department? That is a good place to start.

Look and see if there are any pick up sports teams in your city. I know a lot of cities with colleges seem to have those. Ultimate Frisbee seems to be a common flavor and doesn’t require a whole lot of raw athleticism to have fun with.

If your religious at all going to a young adult group is a good way to make friends.

Also you can find a cause you care about or a place that needs help (like a soup kitchen or such) and volunteer. That can also be a good way to meet people.

5

I second volunteering.

You don’t have to tell anyone you are doing it to make friends. If anyone asks just tell them you had a crisis of morality and that you now feel like helping people.

Make a habit of volunteering at the same place every week or so. You’ll find that they have a few regulars over there that you’ll get to know as time passes.

Eventually you can see if anything works out. If not, then volunteer somewhere else.

6

Travelling is the way to do it, if you can. Even for a few months during school vacation. I was in a similar position to you at your age (can’t believe I’ve just typed something as old fogey as that :slight_smile: ), and took myself off with a backpack. It can be tough, and lonely, but I still maintain you only find out what you really want from yourself and your life once you’re in a completely new situation.

If you don’t want to do the ‘throw all possessions in a backpack and take to the Road’ type of travelling, you could work abroad for a bit. Japan is good for English teaching, and quite easy to organise.

Also, online dating could help. Not to find a partner - you can select ‘hang out’ or ‘email’ from the list of options. I dated online last year, more to feel better after a messy breakup than because I was looking for a partner, and I now have several new and very good friends from it.

Good luck.

7

Just do it. I know it sounds oversimplified, but that’s the answer. Get out there and do the things you used to do. Find a new interest and get involved in it. Join a club. Force yourself to go out the door. This can be accomplished by making plans with someone…anyone, to attend some function you’re interested in. Good luck!

8

I took up Italian lessons and started playing rugby again. I also get involved with everything going on in my academic department (i.e. I play football with fellow students every week, act as a PhD rep, volunteer to set up seminars etc.)

Either way, you need to do something completely unrelated to your PhD work. Before then, (I suspect this is common to all postgrad students) I had a habit of just doing work all the time. Now, I do things completely unrelated to my subject, which allows me to take my mind off my work, and also get some exercise, too.

Also, I have more to talk about, other than maths and computer science, which helps in other ways, too.

ETA: also, traveling’s a good idea, too. I’ve been all over Europe, backpacking, and it’s always good for conversation.

9

Look at all these responses. All these people care about you and this is without any physical signals to encourage us to be friendly. Your worth being friends with, you just have to find a way to let those around you know that you’re ready now.

Take a beginner’s class in something you’ve never tried. Roller skating, line dancing, yoga. You and the other beginners will have a starting point for conversation. You might work yourself up to inviting a couple of people for pizza or coffee after class.

Certain sports bars here hold card playing tournaments and video game nights. Play a game with someone and a friendship might be forged.

Start smiling at people randomly. Don’t stop to talk, just smile. People will smile back at you and it will become a good habit. It gets easier and easier. Promise.

Big Brothers are always needed. Habitat For Humanity need volunteers. Stay busy and you’ll look up one day and realize that you do have friends.

Go to the next Dopefest in your area. If there isn’t one being planned, start the thread and organize it. You won’t find a better friend than a Doper!

10

This.

Also this.

Really, the most important thing is to just get out of the house. I went through a hell of a rut a few years ago, and the thing is, if you want to meet people, you’ve got to go out to where the people are.

11

Try finding a hiking or canoeing/kayaking club locally. While you can spend big bucks on the latest greatest equipment, in all honesty a few hundred dollars will get you perfectly workably gear for simple day/weekend trips.

Then the only real expense is gas money to get where your going.

Astronomy clubs are also good and most members HOPE that you DONT have a telescope to start with because they LIKE sharing their telescopes, and inevitably beginners buy the wrong equipment.
All three of these are great ways to socialize, kill time, have fun, get out, get exercise, learn interesting things, and enjoy the wonderful parts of living on earth.

12

I dunno. Personally I find his shifty eyes and the way he drools to be a bit off-putting; it looks like he bites if you sit too close.

But seriously, one of the summers I had the most fun was when I decided I was going to try stuff I’ve never tried before. It was a hoot! There’s a league called Not So Pro that lets you do everything from floor hockey to dodgeball, and you don’t have to be any good, you can suck! It’s all for fun.

Or try something you never thought you’d ever do, like ball room dancing lessons. That’s my girlfriend’s and my New Year’s Resolution: to try something goofy we’ve never done before. And since we have no rhythm, we’re going to be the very worst ballroom dancers yet seen on this earth. We’re looking forward to it!

13

Get off the Internet, for one thing! My lazy friend had the best plan ever- he unplugged his modem and only used the Internet on his laptop in wifi coffeeshops and the like. It forced him to moderate his usage and get out in public more.

Be aware of how much time you spend extending invitations, returning phone calls, etc. At one point in my life I became extremely upset that nobody ever seemed to invite me out or call me. Then I noticed that I never seemed to invite anyone out or call them. Duh!

And of course, listen to these guys. Volunteering, travel, classes, just plain walking around (I make it a rule to go for at least an hour every day, even if it’s just walking around) are great.

Finally, don’t beat yourself up. You can’t change your life completely. You will always be the same person that you are now. The only reason you don’t have an incredibly active and outgoing life is that you haven’t done what it takes to get one. And you probably had some reason. Now it’s not suiting you and you want to choose something else. That’s great. But don’t worry if you are still a bit of a homebody. Some of us just are. As long as you get out of the house pretty regularly and you have at least something to look forward to on weekends, you are fine. Don’t think you suddenly have to become a social butterfly. Just stick with what feels good.

14

I second travelling. If you don’t have time or money it doesn’t have to be a long trip. But taking yourself away from your normal surroundings can be a real eye-opener, and can put your life in some perspective. Also, you can often get some good material useful for conversations in later times.

It helped me a lot.

Ed

15

Question: Are you living and studying in a city, a large town, a small town, or a rural area? The answers will be different depending on how isolated you are.

As a librarian, let me give a shout out for your nearest public library. If it’s any good, it’s got everything from classes to clubs to activities, all either free or really affordable. Plus you can sit there with a book and either chill out around other people or find someone who looks like they’re interesting and willing to chat (quietly, of course or someone like me will rap you on the knuckles with a ruler). I’m a big fan of the Boston Public Library in Copley Square, which is huge. After some experimenting, I’ve found my favorite spot; it’s a spot where if you sit there for a half hour, you are virtually guaranteed to have an interesting conversation if you’re looking for one or left alone if you’re not.

Bookstores are also pretty good (Can you tell I’m a geek?). There are three Borders bookstores with cafes in the greater Boston area, and I’ve managed to meet interesting people in all of them over the years. You don’t even have to shop there. Just bring your work, grab a coffee or whatever, and chill.

Libraries and bookstores are great in that you don’t have to be a social butterfly to fit in, and the regulars tend to be somewhat interesting, unless they’re homeless, in which case they’re probably very interesting. Maybe even a little too interesting for what you’re aiming at.

I would also second dance classes. A lot of people don’t know how to dance, and thus people who do are seen as cool right off the bat. If I were single and looking to get back into a social life, and I had the money, I would start learning how to dance before I did anything else. It’s easy to meet people if you’re a good dancer or even a fair dancer, just because there are so many clods on the dance floor out there.

Anyway, good luck Indistinguishable. Don’t worry about it too much. 23 is a good age, and you’ve got a lot of living ahead of you. In fact, in your early 20’s life itself has a way of knocking you out of your ruts. All you really have to do is try not to be so down on yourself and keep your eyes open to what’s around you. If you do that, sooner or later, something’s going to turn up without you even trying that hard.

16

Joining in.

It doesn’t matter what it is, in fact joining something you have no affinity for might even work out best. But join something that absolutely requires interaction with other people. Martial arts and dancing worked best for me. Acting and role-playing is working for my daughter, and my granddaughter has never been happier since she joined the flag team. Team bowling has worked wonders for my oldest son. Get away from online and get around real life people.

17

Here’s a fun tip: rent and watch the Jim Carrey movie: " Yes Man" .

18

Get out of the house. Sign up for a physical education class that’s first thing in the morning to force yourself out if you have to.
Like others upthread I’d recommend a class that forces you to interact with others. Ballroom dance or Tango is an excellent choice, as it gives you something to do with other people and (hopefully) an inexpensive dating activity later.
While volunteering is totally cool, you can also Ask for help. People like to be helpful. If you’ve got a tiny project you could use some help with (I’m thinking “buying new clothes” not “painting the house”) ask someone in your department, or one of your more interesting former students to help you.

19

I can totally relate. I was in a somewhat similar situation, wasting my time without any real interests or hobbies. When I went to college, I decided to make a change. I got serious about exercise and fitness, turning from the kid picked last in gym class into a sports-loving athlete (with the benefit of a six-pack to boot :smiley: .) I started learning classical guitar, buying a cheap guitar and a book off amazon. Putting in about an hour a day for 5 or 6 months, I can play real, nice-sounding songs. I also got serious about learning Japanese, making a real effort to learn kanji (Chinese characters) and am now the best in my class for, well, a white guy. With all of these hobbies, setting aside some time each day really adds up to make a difference. I can objectively look at myself from one month to another and notice real tangible improvements, as opposed to just being able to solve slightly different engineering problems.
Obviously you’re a fairly quantitative guy, so have you joined a local chess, go or bridge club? Those are great games

20

You just gotta do it… thinking about it isn’t getting you anywhere. Just do it. Do something you hate for the hell of it. Do something stupid to look foolish. Do something dangerous to give yourself a reality kick (skydiving is fun). Do something you aren’t interested in just so you can learn about it. Hang out with friends more often. Throw a party at your house and invite everyone. Go watch the sunrise each morning, alone (really big motivator for me) Watch the sunset also… Play poker with some people (great for socializing)…

Really, it’s hard to tell you what to do. Just do something…