When I was 28, I had finished business school and quit my job. The start date on my new job was pushed back a few months so I ended up with a fat signing bonus and the entire summer off. I also had absolutely nothing to do for 4 months. I had a bunch of friends I hung out with, but they all worked during the day like normal people. I went to the gym, but that only is so interesting.
One thing I did was go to this boathouse in Waltham, MA that I had driven by every day for like 3 years. Apparently you could rent kayaks so I just rented one and paddled around the Charles River all afternoon. One time I tried paddling it out to Boston Harbor, but I only got a few miles. There are a lot of damn dams and I got tired of lugging the damn thing around them.
I signed up for karate classes at a local dojo in my neighborhood.
Instead of just sitting in my appartment reading a book, I decided to drive out to L Street Beach in Southie. After awhile I ended up exploring around Fort Independence Park.
One Saturday, I drove down to Newport, RI.
A lot of this stuff is just time wasting crap, but it’s a lot better than wasting it watching TV and surfing the web.
Basically, if I were to provide a checklist of things for you to “get a life”:
-Turn off the TV / computer / XBox
-Join a gym (and go at least 3 times a week or as schedule permits)
-Join any professional organizations related to your career
-Join any alumni organizations related to your schools and if you were in a fraternity
-Participate in any softball, corporate runs, etc with your company (if you like that shit)
-Join a rec league sports team (again, if you like sports)
-Call someone to go out at least one night on Thurs, Fri or Sat
-Strike up a conversation with any girl you meet
-Find a regular set of bars, coffee shops or other locations where you can become a “regular”. That is to say you are at least on “hi” terms with some of the bartenders. Don’t overdo it though. The goal isn’t to become an alchoholic.
Sorry, my computer froze up. Basically find some hobby that interests you, and get out more. Join some group, take some classes, search around for something that looks interesting. If you start having fun yourself, you’ll be fun around others.
I think getting in the habit of smiling, or at least looking as cheerful as you can manage is a good idea. It makes others more willing to talk to you (a mixed blessing at the bus stop, but a great advantage in class). Putting the effort to smile, say hello and make a little eye contact with everyone you meet (I’m thinking of your bus driver, random class mates, or cashier at the cafeteria) will get you into the habit of speaking to people. Being social is a habit like any other, and when you get out of the habit, it can be hard to start again.
Take a chance. A lot of folks are saying “pick something you like to do and then do it”. Great advice as far as it goes. Looking back over my longish life, the things that I really remember are the times I took a chance. So, yes, join a club, any club, but for bonus points you have to try something outside your comfort level. There will be new people with new ideas there.
I hear a lot of people say they can’t or don’t meet any new people. I am not young or handsome or even very friendly, I even have a boring job, but I meet so many people I can’t stay in touch with the ones I really like. My cup runeth over because I take classes at the gym and sign up for odd things I want to learn. Beekeeping, gardening, karate, the local private pool, chess club up at the library … who has time for it all?
Set a goal to do all of the stuff on msmith537’s list.
FWIW, it is hugely common for people to feel the way you do at precisely this point in their lives, when the structured environment of school starts to recede. You are far from alone.
Want some advice from an old guy who’s been there?
Don’t slap a BandAid on your life by getting a hobby, taking a class, dating or any other temporary diversions. The life you have now isn’t necesssarily the one you have to live until you’re an old man; staring at the TV wishing your life would’ve been different…better. Go big…really big.
Sell all of the *shit *you have and keep only the possessions that you really love, that really mean something. Cram a week’s worth of clothing into a backback, along with a small laptop (mainly for writing), batteries, a digital camera, all of the cash you can scrape up, any odds and ends you might need, and GO.
Go somewhere far away, far outside your experience. Don’t read a guide book or any of that candyass nonsense. Just go.
Well, smiling at random people like a weirdo. Actually, you probably wouldn’t get punched. People would just ignore you like one of those jerks handing out comedy show flyers in Times Square.
It is actually really great to live here though and I found it relatively easy to make friends.
**Jettboy **- What? Like that Into the Wild guy?
The problem with vacations is that you are taking a vacation from your life. You still have to come back to being you in a few weeks. And selling all your stuff just leaves you with an empty appartment with no stuff.
Really what you are looking for is to get connected with who you are and where you live. I used to travel all over the place as a consultant. It was cool and all, except it’s not satisfying living out of a suitcase and having a lot of “single serving friends”. You’re more or less a well paid aimless drifter.
Thinking about when I “had a life” and when I didn’t. In college I had a life. I was making friends, studying for my future, becoming involved in the local activities. When I would go home to visit, eventually I didn’t have a life there. I was a guest. A transient visitor. I would crash at my parents place and hang out with my buddies, but every year I became less connected with what was going on in my home town.
I think people need some sort of constant in their lives to feel settled. It could be a hobby or a job or school or their network of friends or just knowing all the little random NYC bars that the tourists and B&T crowd never go to. Otherwise you start to feel like David Banner from The Hulk or Kane from Kung Fu.
Oh another thing I forgot:
-Look up what shows/concerts are playing locally. Both at big venues and small local stuff
No, you can’t survive in the wild all that well. Go somewhere where there’s people, and opportunities.
No, not a vacation, vacations are for pussies, children and old people; a life-changing experience, an adventure…a real life, a deliberate life. Surprise yourself.
Break your lease, sell your shit, sell your car and leave. Don’t mke any plans that last for more than three days. Live rough, live REAL. You’re only 23, you have plenty of time to settle down, have hobbies, have a family, take a class, and hang out with people who’ve sold their freedom for the cushy comforts that don’t mean anything.
No joke! I shipped out to basic training at 23 after Every. Single. One of my relatives tried their damndest to talk me out of it. I just tossed my old life the way you’d toss an empty packet of peanuts. Meh, I was bored.
I’m pushing 40 now, and I have yet to regret that decision, unless you count a couple of times in the first two weeks of basic.
You are getting lots of good (and some not so good) advice. Whatever you do, be prepared for some rejection. Until you polish your social skills and figure out what types of people you click with, you will likely get the cold shoulder a lot. Keep trying, though.
Wow, lots of responses. Thanks for all the comments and advice, everyone, though I guess mostly the gist of it is just “Pick something new to go out and do, and just do it”. Fair enough.
Since someone had asked, I live in basically a college town, though not far from a major city, which I suppose must help, though I very rarely go there. (A habit crying out for change?)
The advice to put everything on hold and travel has its romantic appeal, but I guess my current mindset sees things more msmith’s way than jettboy’s on that issue; it’s not that I’m particularly attached to plowing on through grad school with no interruptions (for me, it’s just something to do because you have to do something, if you know what I mean; yeah, I know, everyone warns you shouldn’t go into it with that kind of motivation…), but the break will come to an end at some point, and then what? I’ll still have to come back and figure out how to enjoy life. It seems to me like random travel is more of a temporary diversion than anything else. (Though temporary diversions can be useful all the same, and perhaps I shouldn’t knock it till I try it…)
Also good advice, thought not advice everyone is willing to take. Joining the Peace Corps was by far the best thing I’ve ever done and has changed my life in ways I’d never have imagined. If you’ve got the guts to go on a real adventure, you will never regret it.