I think I'm having a Quarter Life Crisis (long, depressing)

In My Humble Opinion
1

At the ripe age of 22 and 3/4, I find myself worried about my future. Even though I obtained what I thought was my “dream job,” I am not content with the way my life is currently, though I also have trouble finding motivation to change it. I think I may want to go back to school, but fear losing out on my current guaranteed income, and ending up in loads of debt.

So here’s what’s good about my life:
[ul]
[li]Decent income (40k)[/li][li]Job security[/li][li]I’m a doper![/li][/ul]
And here’s what sucks about my life:
[ul]
[li]No social life (I also have very little social skills).[/li][li]Bored of my job.[/li][li]I’ve made very few friends since I moved.[/li][li]Never had a girlfriend (largely, but not completely, a function of my inability to meet girls and/or complete lack of social skills)[/li][li]I’m a doper! (just kidding!)[/li][/ul]

Frankly, my current lifestyle brings me little joy. My weekends are mostly spent hanging out by myself, aside from when my one local friend (who’s also a coworker) wants to do something. I’m growing bored of my job, and find myself increasingly killing time non-productively, such as reading these boards (like I said, I’m a doper :wink:

I have trouble socialising with others. I’ve gone to therapy for it, and it seems I have gotten better, yet my current lack of friends/social life suggests otherwise. It’s just not something I’m comfortable with at all, and even when I am, I find myself running out of things to say very quickly. My mind just goes blank, and it sucks.

Despite all this, and my ultimate desire to change my life, I find myself waking up every morning and going about each day just like any other. For instance, I spent almost all of today surfing the web, and yet I felt content. Not necessarily happy, just content – as in a complete lack of motivation to do anything else, even though at the end of the day, I know I’m missing something.

Here’s what scares the shit out of me: I don’t want to get stuck in a career path and find it’s too late to try something else. For example, I’ve always been somewhat interested in working in the film industry, yet I know almost nothing about it, such as where to even start. But I feel as if I can’t wait much longer, lest I get too old. But even so, I’m worried about ending up in debt to cover school, like one of my co-workers who’s on a 30 year plan (fyi: I have about 10k currently saved).

And even beyond that, I’m most worried about my social life, or lack thereof. I have no social skills, and have never had a girlfriend, which depresses me more as the days and years wear on. I really don’t know how I can fix this, and am becoming increasingly worried that perhaps there’s nothing that can be done to fix it.

What’s the point in posting all this? I have no clue. I guess I just want insight/advice from others who have perhaps been in similar situations? I think that I know deep down that something has to change, seeing as I’m not happy with my current life. Yet I’m worried I won’t actually find the motivation to change it, seeing as it’s so much easier to simply continue living the dull life I am now.

So I guess any words of advice any of you can provide will be extremely helpful (even if it’s just "lol you suck @ life n00b :P)

2

Crisis, not “crysis.” :smack: (darn videogames)

3

lol you suck @ life n00b :stuck_out_tongue:

And you can’t even finish a quote properly!
Only kidding :smiley: I am in a similar situation, though older and earning less (but possibly more if you convert it to USD)

These days I feel comfortable being who I am. I am over the guilt of never having done the things that most people do. I’m not hung up on my lack of social experience. There’s nothing wrong with me above and beyond being human. People seem to like me. I meet a lot of new people in my job these days and I make friends with them without fail.

I’m sorry I can’t give you any advice because I am on your side of the fence. I could say “Stop looking for it and you will find it” but that’s wishy-washy. It’s better to just say “Stop looking and be happy being who you are”

Sorry if I’m not being any use. I just wanted to say I’ve been there, and am still there, though not beating myself up.
edit: in response to your edit… I saw this thread title and instantly thought of the game.

4

There are things you can do to fix it. I believe that this has been discussed once or twice before on the Dope. Perhaps even three times.

Paradoxically enough, it starts with learning how to be OK with being by yourself. Be OK with being alone. Learn how to manufacture your own happiness. If you can manage to do that, you’ll never really be lonely, and as an added bonus, you’ll become naturally more attractive to others. Stop needing the company of others, and you’ll find yourself in the company of others. Yes, it’s counterintuitive, but it works.

It’s called self-esteem. That term has gotten a black eye over the past couple of decades, being seen as new-agey, wimpy, or overly politically correct. People who take that view are quite simply wrong. Don’t listen to them. You’ll notice that they are often miserable and pathetic people who are sinking and want to drag you down with them. Don’t let them.

Start with this: Smile. Right now. Say “My life is pretty good right now. I like myself. Things are good.” Do it like you mean it. Repeat as necessary.

Happy trails! :slight_smile:

5

Having your mind go blank and shutting up isn’t the worst thing in the world - it’s far preferable to people who just blab mindlessly.

It’s hard when you’re at an age when many people “pair up” and you’re not – but truthfully, you DO have lots of company. There are many people for whom it takes years to find a good SO. And in the meantime, some of those pairs you see will have dissolved.

Since you’re on the outside looking in, it probably appears that everyone else in a relationship is having a terrific time. Not so. Most of them are working through a lot of personal problems, struggling with their parents, trying to find out who they are. “Partying” becomes (for some) a lifetime of AA meetings. Setting up house with a new baby becomes a lifetime of obligation and duty.

I think it’s also true that women’s taste in men changes as they get older. The younger ones like more flash, more polish in their men; a few years later, though, and they appreciate more solid qualities, dependability, respect.

I wish I had something helpful to say about shyness, but it’s not been a problem for me. There have been times when I lacked the social skills needed for a particular setting, so what I did was either imitate the successful people around me, or move on to a different setting. I had a LOT of jobs over the years, and it was interesting to me that in some environments I was quite popular and in others they couldn’t stand me. The “problem” is not always YOU.

I hope that you’ll set this concern about finding a mate aside a little and concentrate on developing a life for yourself that you enjoy. Taking classes, in the evening for fun, is a great way to meet people. You could also try a different therapist - again, I’ve seen several and my experiences with them have varied wildly. Most were no better than reading a book on my own. But the two good ones, wow, blew my mind.

6

Fixed it.

7

What tdn said. Love and be content with your own company, and pretty soon others will love it and want it too. Even though others wanting it is not the primary goal – you loving your own company is, and the others is a side benefit. For help with the socializing, it can be a good idea to join an activity group (or drop in on one and see if you like it, rather) so that you’ll be doing something ELSE primarily and won’t have to focus on socializing, and then it can sort of come more naturally. Also, as fessie said, having your mind go blank and shutting up is not the worst thing in the world. One way to get over thinking you always have to be saying something interesting or relevant is to sort of switch the whole situation in your mind – pretend that, or better yet, make it true that, rather than you trying to be witty/social/interesting/“worthy” of friendship/whatever when you’re with people, decide that YOU are assessing THEM to see if you want to be friends with/spend more time with THEM. Pretend they are all on trial or in an interview to see if they can be your friend. Assess them in your head, depending on the qualifications you have for friendship. Examples: Are they nice? Do they talk about topics that are interesting to you? Are they content with silence sometimes? Are they open-minded enough to learn new perspectives on life? Do they care about what you care about? And so on. Try to take the pressure off yourself. If they don’t fit in with what you want as a friend, fine, move on. If they do, fine. If friendship doesn’t seem to develop with someone who you would want as a friend, also fine. There could be a million reasons for this that have nothing to do with you. And, you love your own company anyway and plenty of other people will/do too.

Where in the Bay Area are you? I am not shy by nature, but two groups I have enjoyed are a bicycling club in Oakland (all sorts of folks in that one, from the sophisticated to what I would call the socially challenged – well, there are a few of the sophisticated ones who are like the “cool kids” in school who make fun of everyone, including each other, but generally everyone ELSE is very accepting of different levels of social aptitude) and a Scrabble club in San Francisco. (Naturally, this is full of geeks and other good people.)

Btw, congratulations for having a good job and having 10k saved up!

8

Excellent. Assume you’re worth talking to without having to sell yourself at all, and have them audition for your friendship.

My current favorite opener is “Hey. What’s up?” It’s not clever, it’s not witty, and you don’t have to think about it much. It subtly says “OK, the party has arrived. Entertain me.” The person you approached will jump through all sorts of hoops scrambling to tell you what exactly is up, and suddenly you have material to work with.

I’d be careful about making it too much like an interview. You don’t want to make it seem like an interrogation. Be interested, not invasive.

Practice having conversations with everyone. If you limit yourself to talking only to supermodels in clubs and who are surrounded drunk and belligerent guys, you are seriously cutting yourself off at the knees. Maybe higher. :wink: Talk to anyone and everyone. Little old ladies. Ted in accounting. The lady at the cash register.

Here’s a fun one for the cute girl at the cash register. Most people will not look her in the eye, not smile, and not talk about anything but business. She gets that all day, and all she gets in return is minimum wage. You’re just the next asshole customer.

Greet her with a cheery “Hi!” and smile. She’ll return your hello, then her eyes will drift down to the business at hand. Just as they begin to do so, ask “How ARE you today?”, as if she were a friend that you haven’t seen in a week. Be genuinely curious. Just try it. You will be amazed at the result. Don’t expect to score a number, but take satisfaction in that you will have just made her day.

9

From my perspective, forget this crap about having a meningful job. Get a government job, which has a pension-and STAY with it.
As someone facing retirement,I must say that having a pension is VERY important. And, be aware that most of the time, jobs are boring (unless you are a topnotch research type).
Get over it and plan for your future.

10

To the OP: Check this site out.

It’s all about The Quarter Life Crisis. :smiley:

11

Thanks all for the help/replies so far; it means a lot to me.

I also wonder though if any of you have experience with making radical changes in your life? How’d it work out for you? As I mentioned, I can’t see myself doing my current job forever, let alone much longer, but I also don’t want to shoot myself in the foot. Yet, it’s that very risk which may improve my quality of life.

So if you made a change, how’d it work out? And if not, do you regret not making it?

12

What I posted in post #4 were some pretty radical changes for me almost 16 years ago, and I wouldn’t go back for all the money in the world. In fact, it’s impossible for me to go back. The changes I mentioned in post #8 are what I’m going through right now, and I’m having a blast with it. I’m quite sure I’ll never regret those, either. These are life-changing things. Huge stuff.

And don’t expect to stay in the same job for the rest of your life. Hell no. Trade up early and often. Unless you make extremely poor decisions or you encounter really bad luck, you’ll almost never regret it.

Life is growth. Without growth, life closely resembles death.

13

Change requires the courage to take risks. At 22, there are very few decisions you can make, short of getting drunk and killing someone or robbing a bank, that will permenantly screw you for life. Besides, what are you worried about messing up - being a friendless 22 year old virgin in a shitty job?

You say you are interested in pursuing a career in the film industry? As what? Do you want to act or perform? Write? Direct? Produce? Do you want to be a talent agent or a get involved in the legal or financial aspect? Or do you want to work in that industry just because you have a vague notion of it being sexy and exciting?

If you do want to work in the film and entertainment industry, you need to move to LA or New York. That in and of itself can be very exciting even if you never make it in your chosen profession. Often the feeling of pursing a goal is better than actually achieving that goal.

It’s very easy, especially now, to sit in your room all day wasting time on the internet, watching TV or whatever, and the next thing you know life has passed you by. Look for things out in the real world that you might be interested in and make time to do them. Pick a spot and go on vacation somewhere. Go by yourself if you have to, but see if you can get people to join you. Join a sports team or book club or whatever you’re into.

14

I haven’t done any major career changes, so I can’t really comment from experience there. If you truly don’t like what you are doing for work, I don’t see a downside to jumping into something you’d love to do, even if it potentially puts you in debt. If you go through with the schooling and land a job in the film industry, the debt will be a distant second to the satisfaction you have career-wise.

As far as a social life, I think I can comment there at least a little bit. Roughly a year ago I was about the same as you, I did work, played games, read books, and slept. I grew increasingly sick of my lack of social life, so I decided to just throw myself into whatever I could find. My first attempt was a local tennis club, which got me out and about a bit, but ended up being a bit of a dud simply because the age range of the people in the club was about 15 years older than me. So strike one, pick up and move on!

I don’t know anything about your religious beliefs or lack thereof, but I later joined a local church’s 20-somethings group. Because such groups AIM for attracting new members, they tend to be extremely welcoming of anyone new, regardless of the person’s beliefs. Anyway, the result was that I went from being basically a shut-in to suddenly having all kinds of social activities to join in on. Within the course of two weeks of joining the group I had a couple party invitations and some activities available like a day hike on the weekend and charity aid.

The other thing with socializing in a group situation like that is that you really don’t need to always worry about what you have to say, people are usually happy just to have to someone who actually listens. If something comes up that you can relate to, throw in your two cents, but don’t feel compelled to always have to contribute.

I always felt at the start something akin to, “Why the hell would anyone want to talk to me? I have nothing interesting to talk about.” It took me a little while to realize two things: 1) I didn’t have much to talk about because I never went out and DID anything. 2) I actually DID have stuff to talk about that people would be interested in, I just didn’t realize it. So I started trying to solve this in two ways, first was to get out and do something every week, anything at all. It could be as simple as going for a hike or checking out the live music at a local coffeeshop, but it gave me a source of conversation to talk about with people other than just, “How was your week?” “Eh, just work.” Second, I tried to pick out things that people might find interesting about me, whether it was where I had lived, or pets I had owned, or past hobbies.

Anyway, that was kind of rambling, but hopefully that helps at least a little bit. :smiley:

15

That’s a great point.

If you want to be an interesting conversationalist, you have to have an interesting life. To do that, you need to do interesting things. If you start every conversation with “On this one episode of Seinfeld…”, then you clearly need to get out more. If your stories explain your scars and your police record, then they are good stories.

16

Hey Red,

I’m only a little older than you, at 23. During my final year of undergrad, I decided to do a fairly drastic career-path change, from law to medicine (this was after taking the LSAT, etc). I ended up having to take another year of school, as well as working for another 2 years after that (I’m currently in the middle of this process), but it’s totally worth it. Most people don’t expect you to have your mind made up at 22 anyways, so if you’re thinking of a change, absolutely go for it. What do you have to lose?

Also, I would recommend doing every adventure type thing thing you want to do now, before you are locked into family and career. I always regretted not spending a year or two abroad when all my friends did, and now I don’t know when I’ll get the chance. Hell, drop everything and move to the Czech Republic to teach English for a year, join the Peace Corps, hike the AT, whatever. You might not get the chance again till you’re 80.

Gestalt.

17

I HAVE made fairly major career changes (two so far). Both times, it was the right thing to do. It might have taken a little courage, and it might mean, in my next job, which I am in the process of getting now, that I have to explain a few more things in interviews, but it’s also given me a broader range of experience, depth, and, I think value to a career position. Have you read any of those books (I can’t think of titles right now, but I bet someone knows) about the concept of creating your own future and opportunities, and making come true what youwant to come true, by deciding what you want and then just making all the choices, taking the steps, that lead there? A lot of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I get the sense you are a very very cautious person. Are you? Does it sometimes cross the line from “caution” to “paralysis”? JUST.DO.SOMETHING. As someone else said, what exactly are you afraid of messing up? And you’re not going to be a homeless junkie tomorrow because today you go on an interview and don’t get the job.

A hearty second to this advice. NOW is the time to take risks, chances, and do the stuff you won’t be able to do when you’re tied down. You are only 22!!! I took a year off after undergrad and lived in Costa Rica for 9 months. One of the best decisions I’ve made. I applied before I left and went to law school when I came back. That experience did SO much for me, my confidence, my self-esteem. I worked as an ESL aide when I came back and then I worked in a law firm and then I started law school. (I’m not counting the ESL or working ina law firm as careers, btw – my first real career was as a lawyer.) The more different things you do, especially at this early stage, the more confidence you’ll have in different situations, and the broader your perspective will be. It’s OK if you have a job for six months and then decide it’s not for you and then get another one.

You’re only 22! Some people are barely waking up the fact that they’re alive, that there’s a planet, and that they should contribute something to it at that age. You’ve got money saved up. You’ve shown you can get a decent job and keep it. You’ve done it once, you can do it more times. In certain ways, you’re WAY ahead most of your peers. So, first of all, breath in through your nose, hold it for a few seconds, then exhale through your mouth slowly while whispering “relax” all through the exhale and do it two more times. OK, you don’t have to do that, but if you do, I guarantee you’ll feel more relaxed. I think it’s time to throw the proverbial caution to the time-honored wind. Good luck!

18

It doesn’t take radical change. Just change.

You have no idea how a little decision will propagate through your life in a positive way. For example:

In high school, I decided to join the Ice Hockey team in spite of not being particulary athletic. Think of one of those stupid MTV Made episodes but I don’t get one of the NY Rangers to come personally coach me.

Aside from the benefits of playing organized sports, it also enabled me to play on our college club team where I met the rush (recruiting) chairman of the fraternity I would later join (and become rush chairman of). If I never joined that fraternity, I would probably not have met my girlfriend or had the friends I have today. Because of those friends, I landed the job I had after business school where I met contacts that led me to my current job as a mid-level manager in a consulting firm in Manhattan.

One of those friends got me a job interview at UBS in New York my senior year. I didn’t get the job but the interveiwer recommended I should take an accounting course if I was interested in business. I enrolled after graduation in a accounting class at a local college where I learned I hate accounting. A few years later, however, I was able to place out of accounting when I went to business school.

Anyhow, the point is you want to always be trying new things. I’m 35 and changed jobs like 6 times (often not by choice). I’ve changed careers at least 3 times, depending on how you define “career”. Many of my jobs share similar traits so it’s not like going from Investment Banker to Commercial Fisherman. I’ve lived in 2 major cities and my jobs require travel to many more in both the US and Europe. Probably the worst thing to happen to me is losing a job at a prestigeous Manhattan management consulting firm and spending 6 months bumming around the East Village with one of my best friends living a kind of Vince Vaugn movie lifestyle.