I am 21 and just finished my junior year in college. My major is Latin/Ancient Greek with a Latin emphasis. I took Latin in high school, so I already had some credit going into college, which is why I chose that. I like Greek too, but I find Latin easier in some respects. On the other hand, I find Greek easier in some respects, so I don’t know. Right now it is summer and I am living at home with my mom and my brother. My dad is dead. I do not have a job. I had one job in high school. My mom did all the hard parts for me: she went in and got an application, and called them to set up an interview. Then I got a job at Hardees and worked for 3 months. Then I began to dread going in, and I quit that job. Also I guess it was interefering with school. I got home late and had to wake up early for school. Anyway that was 5 years ago. Fast forward to now
I have not had a job since Hardee’s in 2006. I just got done with my 3rd year of college. Next year I will graduate, and I have no idea what I will do after college. I do not know what to do even now in the summer. I know I should get a job. I feel really guilty because mom works all day 8 hours a day sometimes 6 days a week and I do nothing at home all day. This is the second week since I’ve been home from college. I sit on the couch all day watching TV or else I am on the internet all day. I feel realy guilty that I am home all day doing nothing while mom has to work. I know that I should get a job. But I don’t know what to do. I am just too scared to talk to people. In all walks of life I am too shy to talk to people. I think I have no skills (except for reading ancient Greek, which is useless in the real world) and there is no reason why anyone should hire me. I am bad at doing things with my hands. I have a very negative view of myself. I do not like myself and I think eveyrone else does not like me either. I am too fat and I assume that everyone else immedately judges me negatively for it, so I have an uphill battle to make people to like me.
I have a few friends who I would say are close friends, but I still think that there is some barrier between us. I want a friend to whom I can say anything, with whom I can discuss my deep hidden feelings. I feel like i have no one like that. So now I have to turn to strangers on the internet to listen to my bitching. Iunno. I am scared to talk to people. I would rather just talk about 80s movies than serious things. With everyone I know, I would rather talk about movies than real things. Sometimes people mock me for always talking about laserdiscs or Jurassic Park, but I cannot emphasize how important movies are to me. I guess I withdraw into movie world and think about that alot rather than thinking about my own life. My real life is sad and scary. I have no idea what I am going to do after college and that scares me. I have no idea how I am going to get out of my mom’s house and that scares me.
I am sorry for this rambling topic. I hope it makes sense. I do not like to talk about myself, and it is very difficult. I hope that talking to strangers on the internet is easier than talking about it in real life to people I know.
I agree, mostly. I held two jobs when I was going to school. One I hated because it was an off-campus thing working long hours doing shitty work with unpleasant people with whom I had nothing in common. The second I found through my campus’ student employment program, which is something I’d recommend using, PSXer, if your campus has anything similar, because it means you get placed with people who are roughly your age and with whom you can actually talk about shit and who haven’t yet gotten all old and jaded about their shitty life. Alternatively, you can volunteer your time. There’s a thousand programs out there looking for volunteers, and they’ll get you out of your house working for people who could really use the help.
You sound a lot like my nineteen year old daughter. I’m convinced that a job will solve a lot of those problems, however getting one is easier said than done.
What I would advise you to do is start putting in applications. Keep a list of places you’ve applied to and check back every so often.
Also, would it be possible for you to cook a meal or clean up the living room for your mom? It would make you feel better and you can do it right now.
Forgot to mention until I saw Tarwater’s post: volunteer work, yes! My daughter really likes volunteering at the library.
You might feel a lot better if you spent some time doing some housework. It would make life easier for your mother, and I have found doing something mundane, mindless and necessary does wonders for my self esteem if it is low for some reason. It would also get you off of the internet and remind you of what it feels like to be useful.
I hear what you are saying. You don’t like initiating contact with people, epecially strangers. You have a hard time connecting with people you do know on a deeper, trusting level. You prefer the company of books, and enjoy solidtude, but when you feel alone, you feel nervous about putting yourself out there.
Try this website on Social Anxiety/Phobia and see if you find something familiar. I feel much of what you describe most of the time, but Zoloft and a counselor make the difference between hiding in my house or actually functioning in the real world.
I was thinking retail, but for the same reason - you meet other people you own age, and it’s easy to interact with them because, you know, you’re working.
Are you planning to do anything, or are you content with just complaining? If you actually do something, you’ll probably start to feel better. If you just complain, you probably won’t. At 21 you’re an adult, so it’s your choice.
I agree with Crotalus. Just say to your mother that you want to help her out with the housework and ask what she wants you to do and perhaps do something nice for her, like having tea ready when she comes back from work, if she likes tea of course, something like that. I think it might make you feel better and else it will at least make your mother’s life easier.
Once you are used to doing that you might look for a job or volunteer.
Oh and thinking about what you are going to do after you graduate is scary as hell, it scares me too when I think about it. But hey, at least you are going to graduate, that is already something not everybody manages, so not all is bad.
That’s pretty much what I’m thinking. The best way to raise your self-esteem is to achieve some genuine accomplishments.
Others have already posted about seeking a job. That’s a good idea. Working often isn’t fun. But earning your own income will give you a sense of accomplishment.
Help around the house. Do it on a regular basis not just when you feel like it. That way you won’t feel like you’re a burden on your mother.
You might also consider looking for some opportunities to do volunteer service. There are plenty of places that need volunteers so they’re not going to turn you away. Participating will get you into a routine of doing something and will provide something you can put on an employment resume, which will help you get a job. And helping other people will make you feel like you’re contributing to something.
I’ve been in much the same position. You sound very depressed and anxious, and I hope you can find a way to get some help with that. Counseling is awesome. They usually have counselors at colleges, please explore that option.
Working turned me into a real person. I was cripplingly shy before as well as depressed and anxious. 7 years into the work force, I’m practically a social butterfly and much happier. Being independent is SO much easier than those of us who are overly cautious, fearful, and low in self-confidence assume - and it feels great when you get there.
Ask your mom to help you again with applications. Fast food cashier is a tough one, but there are lots of relatively menial jobs available that are better for people with social anxiety.
If you want to feel a bit better about yourself tonight, help your mom out. Do laundry. Cook her dinner. Do some shopping for her if possible. Ask her what you can do to help when you’re at home.
Fast food cashier is actually pretty good if you’re not good with people, because they tell you what to say. You’re not trying to make small talk, you have a small little conversation tree. You’re like an NPC in a video game. I think it might actually be good for somebody who’s anxious about dealing with human beings, although of course it’s exhausting. It’s easier than regular retail in that the list of interactions is much smaller.
Go get an internship somewhere. They don’t pay as well (or sometimes, at all), but you get some skills, explore a career option and make some connections that might help you get a job when you graduate. And the expectations for interns are usually pretty small, so there isn’t a ton of pressure. In my experience, the people who do well right after college are usually the ones that got hooked into some organization through internships or the like while they were studying, and then leveraged that to get a “real job” when they graduated.
Working retail or flipping burgers is alright, but if you don’t actually need the money, I think your better off trying to use your time on something that might payoff down the line rather then getting a couple hundred extra bucks a week from a minimum wage job.
But yea, in anycase, get out of the house. No good ever comes from mopeing.
What do you want to do when you graduate?
Do you plan to put your degree to use?
Why did you go to college in the first place?
Do you have a plan on how to support yourself after you leave your mom’s house?
If your mom said, “That’s it! You either have some type of job within a week, or your ass is out of my house!” What would you do?
You’ve got to start setting some goals for yourself and working towards them. Just like you have a plan for getting through your classes, you need a plan to get that first job, and then for executing a plan for the next year of your life, then for the next 2-3 years, and so on.
Hey, I feel for you and I hope it helped to vent a little bit, even if it is on a message board. I’ve done the same thing when I feel especially upset about something and usually get some good advice (and a few really crazy comments, but that seems to happen in a lot of threads). Anyhow, the late teens/early twenties are the most confusing and stressful years for many people. You’re too old to be a kid and dependent on your family, but not quite ready to step over the threshold into full fledged adulthood. Even though you feel frustrated, sad, scared, alone, etc., you’re definitely not the only one to feel that way!
The previous posts have a lot of good advice. Don’t allow yourself to remain immobile because inaction will feel even worse. Force yourself to do a little bit each day to get you to where you want to go. Keep at it and be persistent, and most of all, don’t be so down on yourself. Would you talk to somebody else that way?
You’re studying ancient languages and love Jurassic Park. Why aren’t you looking for work in archaeology/paleontology, or something related to that? Any museums in your area? They always need volunteers, and it’s a way in the door to a place with stuff you’re interested in. It’s a great way to keep an eye on job openings, and to even just learn what the heck kind of jobs people have with your background and interests.
Your mom sounds exceedingly accommodating. I had to start working when I was 15, worked through college, and once I graduated my parents started charging me rent for my room! I lived at home for 6 months after graduating, and that was it. (They gave me all the rent money back after I moved out, so it ended up being pretty cool) I also had a list of responsibilities I had to keep up with while living at home, starting at 14. A functional household has all members with some sort of duties to keep up with, if your mom isn’t holding you up to any, you should do it yourself. It sounds like she’s having not such a great time, either, if you’re just sitting around all day. My folks would have kicked me out for that.
Social anxiety problems are nothing to take lightly. It’s debilitating, and you need to get counseling for it, pronto. It sounds like something that should have been addressed after the first job failure a long time ago and you are way overdue for some help. The Dope is a fine place to come to for both some hand-holding, AND a kick in the pants!
Guys pretty much never do that. Unless we’re drunk with a gal we’re fucking or trying to fuck. But when we sober up, we deny the conversation ever happened.
As for the job thing, you have experience working in fast food. That’s something. You know how to show up mostly sober, and perform specific tasks as instructed. You have some computer skills. Go to a temp agency and apply as a data entry/general clerical worker. You’ll maybe get some more work experience, with no heavy lifting.
I was exactly like you 6 years ago. 21, shy, no job, some school, no motivation, non-existant social life. I was trapped.
Here is what you need to do.
First thing tomorrow: leave the damn house. Just walk out the door and go somewhere. You need to break out of this rut of watching TV and playing on the internet all day.
Second, find a job. Go to every store you can and apply to jobs. Alot of places have kiosks you can apply at or they still use paper. Even the crappiest job is going to be better than what you have now. Retail is best because its not food service and there will be tons of people your age.
Third, when you get a call back about a job, ANSWER THE PHONE IMMEDIATELY!! Don’t stall, don’t make excuses, just do it. Don’t even think about it, just jump right in.
Fourth, don’t get discouraged. Keep getting out of the house and talking to people. I know it’s hard but you have to do this.
I’m completely serious when I tell you this: getting a job at a grocery store at age 21 literally saved my life. I met tons of friends, several girlfriends, saved enough cash to buy a used Mustang, and finished college. None of this would have happened without that job.