Ok… So I’m trying to get into grad school.
My one best shot at getting in has tanked. I got an interview, got waitlisted then got rejected.
I’m waiting on my LAST application to get rejected as I type this.
And to top matters off I just got done with a long conversation with my coworker and realized for a change he was right.
I botched the interview and probably irritated my boss.
The problem is: I’m a VERY private and fairly quite person in real life. That’s not to say I’m not periodically very very wierd and irrational but it’s about random mundane stuff. I don’t share things about myself unless directly asked or unless it’s to very close friends.
I was going to speak to my boss before I went off to my interview, I THOUGHT I did. He offered some advice, but as I found out 3rd hand we didn’t have the talk he was thinking we were going to have. My working relationship has been kinda like that a series of miscommunications and a sense of obligation I don’t feel like I can fill. Throw into the mix that I’ve been totally exhausted for 9 months now and accomplish much less at work than I was previously I’ve been doing my best to avoid him.
Now, as life stands… I don’t know what the flying fuck I’ll be doing in around 3 or 4 months. I’m terrified of the off chance that I end up continuing to work for my boss.
What I need to do, is pull my shit together, get more productive and tie up every loose end I’m working on. I need to re-establish contact with the few professors I already have a slight relationship, I need to get a network of contacts up and running.
I need to change my personality type if I’m ever ing to survive in this field. I need to be able to point out my accomplishments, state in a socially acceptable way that I’m super uber at what I do and not what I do now.
See right now, I full address my shortcommings and have no end in faith of my abilities but I don’t mention any of my abilities… because that would be rude.
I’m still stuck wondering if I really want to enter grad school and spend the next 5 years earning even less money than I am now… Do I want to be stuck in a situation where I’m constantly forced to justify my work and proving to everyone, not with my actions, but with my arguement that I’m the best goddamn thing to come along so I can still get grant money?
Goddamnit! I’m not like that. Yeah, I’m good at what I do… I’m doing this because it interests me, I don’t give a flying fuck if anyone takes notice or says good work Colin. I’m wondering if this attitude is an offshoot of some insecurties I have with interpersonal relationships.
FUCK.
I’m 23… out of college, I enjoy science and I love virology. I’d love to be able to keep doing the sort of work I’m doing here, each project I do reveals something totally new that I’ve never heard about or read about.
I need to email a professor I worked closely with for a year, tell him about what’s happening with my applications. I keep putting it off because… well I’m at an unknown position. I haven’t been keeping up with him to the level I’d consider him a regular correspondant, yet I’m sharing information about myself with him. Yes I know he’d be interested in hearing from me, I just feel ackward about sending the email.
Fuck it… time to sack up.
The emails go out… I’m going to get as much shit done today as I can and then I’ll try to get the rest of my fucking life together.