I've just about given up hope...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

After 4 months of college I have finally made friends with a female. Rather than get into details on that front, I’ll just get on with my intended rant. For the past 4 months my hope had been that getting female friends would be a leeway towards finding a relationship, a “foot-in-the-door” so to speak. But if anything, finding a female friend has shown me the opposite. People here already have their routines. They already have their regular groups of friends. They already have their schedules planned out.

And being the last horse out of the gate, I’m powerless to change that. Even if I did make friends with a girl I would want to pursue, I lack the suave and confidence to be able to sweep a girl off of her feet so that she would restructure her life just to make room for having me as a large part of it. And because of that, it seems that my only chance may be to find a girl who has absolutely no life whatsoever, and seeing as how they are all going to be as shy and introverted as I am, that’s gonna be like finding a needle in a haystack.

Or maybe I’m just a overly-pessimistic dumbass. :frowning:

But I’ve pretty much decided to try and get over my depression and start to deal with the fact that I’m going to be spending the remainder of my 4 and a half years of college alone. :frowning:

2

No you won’t. Trying to deal with that “fact” will just get you more depressed, and pretty soon you’re in a downward spiral that can only end in bad things.

I don’t know what it is about (some) females and the whole “I could never shag him, he’s my friend” thing. I’ve spent the majority of my post-adolescent life feeling like the gay friend of the hot girl.

Frankly, what you should do is stop looking for “Ms. Right” and start looking for “Ms. Right Now”. You’re in college, and presumably have a plan for your life once you graduate. All of your “Ms. Right”'s have a plan, too, and they might not be looking for a long-term relationship, because that would screw up their own plans.

You might try to take things up a notch with this female friend. Take her out to dinner, a movie, anything. If it’s still not going anywhere, retain the friendship and look elsewhere. Try the personals. Go clubbing. Flirt with a girl at the library.
Finally, judging by your post, you could have clinical depression. Calling yourself a overly-pessimistic dumbass, followed up with that little frowny and your last statement, is ringing an all-too familiar alarm in my head. I should know, we can smell our own. Get help.

3

I definitely suggest visiting your campus conselling center. I’m picking up a weird depressed/desperate vibe, (though maybe that’s the beer talking ((My beer, not yours)) (((Though if you want, I’ll pass ya one of mine. It’s good.)))). And as TM said, I know, cause I walked that land. Plus, women can scent loneliness/desperation/“I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life” and it makes them run for the hills. I’m getting way too much goal-orientation here. 1. Meet women 2. Get female friend 3. ??? 4. Profit!

Whoa, whoa, whoa dude. Slow down. You want a girl who likes spending time with you. That’s it. You’re not going to find anyone who’ll rearrange their life for you in 4 months unless you’re getting mail order chicks. And then, they’ll only want your mighty American seed, so they can be Americans. If you’re American. If you’re not, then those previous sentences don’t exist. Except for the intending-to-be-helpful ones.

And you, my friend, have the great advantage of being in college. There are all KINDS of ways to meet women in college. Go to parties. Don’t like parties? Join a club. Don’t like clubs? Join the “Don’t Like Clubs Society”. Want to do something instead of just hanging around in a club? Join one of the activity things like the newspaper or the radio station or the drama troupe. You want to know the best way to meet women? Take classes in a majority-female field. I’m frequently one of four or five guys in my Psych classes (Psychology classes also have the advantage of teaching me how to work on my problems) of 35 or 40 people.

Please, please don’t spend four and a half years of prime wimmen-meetin’ time sitting alone. Go use some of the mental health services you’re already paying through the nose for and then go do some of the activities you’re paying through the nose for.

4

Ha! I knew I recognized your name from somewhere.

Dude! This is what women call “A Signal!” Ask her out, if she doesn’t have a boyfriend!

5

Looks are not what’s usually at the top of a girl’s list of wants, but I think you would be a lot more confident if you knew you were a male hottie.

Get a good haircut. Find out who charges $30 and pay it. Ask questions until you understand how to style it and are able to do it yourself later.

Work out. Eat LOTS of protein. I PROMISE you that your body will change. I thought mine wouldn’t, and actual lifting and eating even sort of right changed it so that people commented in only 7 weeks.

After that, strut a bit. Know that you’re a catch, and act like it’s in the back of your mind, and such an obvious fact that you don’t have bring it up, you just know that others know it too.
I’m completely serious. Women want men who are going places and are getting there now. At least the healthy ones do. You don’t want the ones who are so depressed that they’re looking for other depressed people.

6

Over-generalizing about life from a bad experience is common among depressed people, and I think you’re definitely over-generalizing here.
This is just one girl. You’ll meet hundreds of other girls through the next 4 years who are nothing like this girl. They’ll have varying views about you and about taking a friendship to romance. Some girls seem to enjoy thinking of their male platonic friends as eunuchs who are totally off-limits for dating. Other girls, like myself, PREFER to be friends first before trying to date a guy.

If I had to guess, I’d say you may be having problems attracting girls because you give off the “desperation” vibe. Nobody wants to feel like the only reason you’re with them is because you’re afraid to be alone. So, my advice is to try to look at it this way: You do not need anyone else to complete you or to have a happy life. Look around at all the divorces, custody battles, domestic violence, etc. and you can see that singlehood has its merits.
Having a good relationship can supplement one’s happiness, and you DO have a good chance of getting a girlfriend sooner or later. But try to stop thinking that you need another person to give meaning to your existence.
You never know how things will be four years from now. Life rarely follows our exact timetable about when we THINK things should happen.

7

Hey monkey. I’ll be your friend.

8

You’re expecting that your first female friend, after only 4 months trying, will also get into a relationship with you - and then when she doesn’t seem interested, that means you’re doomed to go through college without a date? You’re really putting too much weight on this. Seriously. You’ve got plenty of time, but you need to look at this from a different view.

I know from experience that men can sense desperation too - or the confidence that comes when you’re not desperate. When I went into college, I was in a long distance relationship so I wasn’t looking for someone. I got hit on a lot more than I had before, and I realized I wasn’t putting out this “oh my god I need a boyfriend” feeling. I finally ended up ditching the boyfriend as the relationship wasn’t working out, and started dating a male friend who respected that I was in a relationship, but definitely let me know he was attracted to me.

9

She does have a boyfriend. And the way she did it, and her friends kind of giggled it was almost in a “I know he doesn’t get contact from girls and this is gonna freak the hell out of him” kind of way.

There’s a very slim chance that she’s attracted to me, and as I said, she already has a huge social group and outside of talking to her on AIM or at events for the club we’re in, she has yet to make an attempt to invite me to hang out together, which is something she WOULD do if she was interested, because she’s an outgoing person.

10

Ok Soapbox Monkey. I am going to try to help you and impart a little wisdom that everyone should know. I don’t know if you are attractive or not, but I’m sure we here on the SD could help you out a lot if you let us have our way with you. I’ve been reading some of your previous posts regarding your attitude towards sex etc, and I think I have a good idea of your situation. I am curious about where you live though, because that could be a factor. If I had to guess I would say that you are in a relatively fun school, for some people at least.

Regarding your post having to do with the guys talking about sex makes me think that it is actually like this. Also regarding the way that she touched you pisses me off because there are lots of girls like that.

I myself could have gotten involved in such a situation too, but I have been a little luckier, but I’ll try to help you as much as I can because this reminds me a lot of what I was like in High School. Its no problem, and you’ll honestly be ok.

First you have to forget about that girl. I am sure she’s very pretty and lovely, but when it ain’t working, it ain’t ever going to work. If she ever wants to make you believe that it might just so she can have someone giving her attention, then she’s a bitch.

I’ll assume that you are a nice guy at heart, and that you really do mean well, but it seems like you lack experience with girls in general outside of sex. I honestly think that you are being a little too picky. How do you look yourself? Do you think you are handsome? Thats another important thing to realize. If you have your appearances down and if you dress somewhat stylishly then you will probably be attractive to some girls. Being handsome as a guy or pretty as a girl is certainly just a question of taste.

When I was a senior in highschool, I was till a virgin too, and had never had any serious sexual contact with girls. I was megashy as well. One day this not-particularly attractive girl mentioned that she would hook up with me. She knew that I didn’t like her, but she wasn’t really all that pretty. Basically I decided that I had to quit being so picky and get some experience under my belt. Now I’m doing much better. But if there’s anyone who you may think likes you, then give her a shot. It doesn’t matter if you love her or not, you need something to build confidence. You can’t exude a little confidence and self respect if you are afraid that you’ll do something that will give someone the info that this is your first time.

I’m not really sure how it is for you. I dont’ know what your options are, but if all else fails, just call up some girl that you know you can hook up with and make yourself. And don’t worry about how she looks. You’ll be so excited the first time you see a girl naked it really won’t matter. Sure I’m sure you have seen it in pornos, but its so much more fun IRL.

About appearances. I don’t really know what people dress like in the States atm, and it will depend on what part of the country too, but try to dress more nicely. I have the feeling that you aren’t dressing well. Sure some chicks go for a more “grungy” look, but most don’t. Its always better to be shaven than unshaven, for example. I hope you don’t have long hair either because that could be a turnoff too.

So you have your new image (or not if you already look good enough) and your new outlook.

I really wish I knew a little bit more about you but I can’t say for sure exactly what you need to do. I wouldn’t say that psychiatric help is in the works unless you constantly think about your woes. If you were like me, you would be dissapointed, but most of the time content watching tv, playing computer games, surfing the net, etc. I imagine you just posted after a disppointment with her of some kind.

How do you meet new girls? Well, if I were you, being of the geeky type, like myself. I would try to enroll in honors classes and things like that. People that are more intelligent are usually more intersted in different kinds of people. Sure you’ll never be that Fraternity stud with the new BMW or SUV, but you’ll have something just from the fact that everyone is unique.

But your main problem is you focus on it too much I believe, which affects your attitude towards women. When you talk to this girl, you probably knew that you liked her from the beginning and that you started trying to get together with her from that point on. When you are a virgin, especially as you get older, you just want to get a girl as soon as possible. The problem there is that you are too aggresive and it makes you nervous. You think to yourself, “I really don’t want to screw this up! I am tired of this!” It works the same way when you have alreayd had experience. Say if you have been with anyone in a while, you start to get a little horny and you try too hard. Its not good.

So to recap you need confidence and social skills and that’s it.

so, first try and have sex with some girl that won’t make you so scared anymore.
Then afterwards just try talking to girls, but not be friends with them. Learn to pay attention to the girls signals. If you talk to the girl and she starts to groom herself, for example like fidgeting with her hair, then she likes you. If she only pays a little bit of atention, then forget about her. You need the ability to pick up on this quickly. You could ask any girl on a date within 10 minutes of meeting her and the ones that are interested in you on first glance will say yes, because when you first meet a new person and they are both single, you immediately think “how do I place this person on my ladder?” How desirable is he/she? Its very important to know when someone likes you and when they don’t. Don’t bother so much with trying to get someone who is a strong negative to turn around. It will make them have less respect for you. If you see that someone doesn’t like you, then just stop paying attention to them. It will either “A” make them question themselves, B think that you aren’t as desperate as others have heard and then reconsider. If I were you I would quit talking to this girl that you know. She’ll question herself and such. The fact that she has a boyfriend is strange. I don’t really know why you haven’t given up on her.
You have to be realistic. I am a guy who was really geeky and I still am, but I do have social skills too. But I am not one of those guys who can get any girl that I want. I can get good looking girls interested in me sometimes, but you don’t really get to choose what you want.

I know this post is very base and tends to be somewhat inconsiderate of the actual feeling part of it, but that’s just the way it has to be for now. I know some women on here will tell you that you need some little shy girl who is just like you are who you’ll fall in love with for the rest of your life. That’s pretty romantic, and it could very well happen. But it sounds like you need a serious boost of self confidence in a way that is hard to get. To become more confident around girls you need to be more confident around girls so its sort of a catch 22 that you have to break. I know this post tends to paint me as a misogynist, but I am certainly not. You just have to be realistic. You have probably been in love with a girl before that didn’t love you back. So have I. But being in love with someone that is in love with you too is a different deal, man and it isn’t what you think it will be on most ocassions. If you do get lucky enough to get a girl to fall for you then maybe you will fall in love. But when someone loves you back they have their own set of expectations and where those two don’t meet it doesn’t turn out so pretty always. I think you really need a girlfriend who you can get as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter if she is your dream girl. Just somone who like you needs a companion. And who knows maybe you’ll grow deeply in love or maybe you’ll have a violent ride. But then after that relationship you’ll have grown in a lot of ways.

One last this is not to be so scared. You have to fight the scared part. Sure when I talk to girls sometimes I get really scared. The adrenaline is pumping and I don’t like it one bit, but the more you make yourself do it the more you realize that it almost always works out for the better. Don’t be afraid of embarassment because that will only keep you from doing something that could possibly turn out ok. So what if she tells you that she’s not attracted to you? It doesn’t matter, you probably thought so anyway. Knowing that there are going to be people in this world that like you is enough, man. Unless you have some really bad personality traits like being an asshole, then people will generally like you. Geekyness is ok. Some girls are a little geeky too although they hide it.
but if you need more help, Ill talk with you over email or AIM if you like. I have been in the situation and i would like to help if you want it.

11

I agree with everything you said except for this point. Monkey, I’m of the opinion that if you can grow facial hair, you should. It’s a natural thing that identifies you as a MAN. Certainly don’t let it look grungy and dirty, but a neat, trimmed beard and or goatee, will go a long way to adding to a masculine appearance. It’s a great way to add a few years to a baby face, or hide a weak chin or soft jaw etc. You don’t need to be a gym rat, but a little light working out will give you tone and add a little weight, or lose if that’s your situation. I’d also reccomend some light tanning if you need it. All of these things make the appearance of a strong, manly, healthy mate. Once you see yourself changing and getting attention the confidence will follow. You MUST convince yourself that you are worth attention. Keeping a strong appearance will help with that. I’d also add that HOW you dress isn’t as important as HOW WELL you dress. Style isn’t important, but make certain everything is clean, in good repair, and figure out how to best wear it. Ditto that last sentace for your personal habits. For example: I’ve got broad shoulders and chest, but not a lot of weight. By tucking in my t-shirt I accentuate my good upper-body, while hiding the fact that i’m thin otherwise. Lastly if you feel you need it, talk to someone, you seem a little depressed.

12

Other posters have said it, and it’s true–women can smell loneliness and desperation. Would you want to date a reclusive sadsack who’s worried she’ll be alone for the rest of her life? Nuh-uh. Women and men both like to date fun, interesting, fulfilled people. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Soapbox Monkey, but until you change your attitude, you can’t expect women to be interested in you.

Keep making female friends. A person with friends is more attractive than one without. These women will not necessarily date you, but they will invite you to parties/introduce you to their single friends. I have a great friend–smart, talented, kind–that I would never consider dating (because I’m married), but if I had other unattached girl friends in the area, I would do my darnedest to set him up with them.

13

You want some action? Go where women outnumber men.

Do volunteer work at the local hospital - just enough to meet some erotic ladies. Even better, maybe get a part time job there.

Throughout college, I worked as an Emergency Call Lab Technician at a small hospital in New England. I got more nookie in 3 years there than most guys do in a lifetime. RNs, LPNs, Volunteers, Gals who worked in the the OR, X-Ray, even in Lab itself. And even a torridly passionate Pakistani Intern.

I mean there was no competition! :eek: :eek: Doctors were very careful to avoid even the appearance of impropriety; Interns and Residents were too damned busy and overworked for affairs; the orderlies were all gay. So here I was an ordinary looking guy, surrounded by a hospital filled with women who wanted to get it on. AND WE DID!!! :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

I once stepped off an elevator and there on the Medical floor, I beheld a woman so utterly beautiful I swallowed my gum. Literally. (Never was much a gum chewer amyway.)

She was a brand new, first-night-on-the-job LPN. I was so stricken, I had to tell myself, “Calm down, Asshole, this gal is totally out of your league.” I won’t get into the details, but it turns out she wasn’t.

Oh. and if there’s no hospital close by, try Church. Yes! :stuck_out_tongue:

Go to church functions where there are young men and women your age in attendance. I am not as cynical as a guy who told me that whenever he wanted to get laid he went to church, but I will say you will definitely make contact with some very sweet, very eager girls in a church setting.

And wherever you go, you don’t have to force things in order for events to develop. Just be a nice, relaxed guy and good things will happen.

I wish you the very best.

14

Hell, yea. I’ve got a girlfriend now, so the Psych classes full of women are just eye-candy to me, but you can do far, far worse than being one of the few dudes in a class full of women. Everyone gets to know you, because you’re the Token Dude when Man Stuff comes up. Wanna know another fertile ground? Education classes. I know guys who have been THE ONLY GUY in classes full of women.

Actually, if you hang around the boards here and stay kinda active, you may meet someone. We’ve had quite a few couples form, from what I’ve seen. And Doper women are smart AND hot.

15

Ok dude, you got two choices here. I have been reading your messages all day and I have come to the conclusion that you are a big pussy. Two choices you got here:

  1. Stay in your room and expect people to come to you. You can’t screw up if you never try, right? Get pissed because girls don’t like you and don’t simply just flock to you like they do to other people. Have a miserable time.

  2. Actually get off your ass and do some of the myriad of things suggested to meet girls. Stop sitting around all day on the internet doing nothing. Life has three different modes: Do nothing, be successful, or screw up. You have to try before you can fail buddy. And I can tell you this, **nobody has gone through life without getting rejected socially ** Its part of being human. Those who dare to take risks (eg being embarassed by a girl in public) never accomplish things. I played soccer with a group of Germans and people from other places in Europe yesterday. You know what? It was embarassing as hell, because I never played soccer before. Grow up and be a MAN about it. You’ll never get through life with these kinds of problems. You can’t be such a perfectionist. I know i had the same attitude as you do. “I don’t want to lose my virginity to some girl that I don’t love” I felt the same way. I think really you just like to have this self defeating attitude so you can’t really blame yourself for your actions when you could really change. At least do the thing with dressing better and getting stylish. You’ll feel better about yourself for that already.

I would suggest that you go to the therapist too, but it seems like you are the kind of person who likes to wallow in his own sorrow. I remember you writing that there’s nothing that he could say that would change your situation.

Do you know why people get to 49 while still remaining virgins? Because they are afraid of life and the make excuses for their own cowardice. There, I said it. You can change if you want to.

16

Well then that answers it. I’m incapable of growing facial hair. Or much hair at all on my body. I look like I’m 14 when I’m actually 19. So I guess women my own age don’t consider me on the same age level and automatically cross me out as a potential partner. :frowning:

17

Bleah, I hate facial hair on a guy. Women vary in their preferences on this; you’ll easily find a range of opinions on it.

Going by this, and by other posts by you previously - why are you so determined to be pessimistic about finding a relationship?

18

Merkwurdigliebe, you’ve suggested that I have sex with a random girl I’m not in love with, and someone I’m comfortable with.

Umm…you confuse me, because that’s just not adding up. I don’t see how I would be able to do that with anyone who I’m NOT madly in love with. I mean, love does suggest that there is a level of comfort and trust. I just don’t see how after reading my post you could think it in anyway possible for me to accomplish that feat.

Oh, and don’t worry, I had already given up on my attraction to her when I first started this thread. When I saw her last night there was also another of her guy friends there, and in the middle of the three of us talking they starting talking about sex related topics, some jokingly, some not. Let’s just say talking about that kind of stuff in front of me and giving me anxiety is a huge turnoff. :slight_smile:

19

Because I don’t have one and using my pessimistic life and human relationship logic I don’t foresee one on the horizon, maybe?

20

You’re not the only one who doesn’t see how that advice is helpful. It appears to me that Merkwurdigliebe is basically telling you to use a girl for her body. (Whether or not she wants to be “used” is another matter—let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he only wants you to use those who want to be used.) I don’t think you’re the only one who doesn’t want to do that. To go have sex with someone you don’t find attractive, don’t maybe even like, just to “get it over with”? Nope. In my mind, that’s not a worthy goal.

I think you should take much of the other advice here seriously, Soapbox Monkey. You are probably depressed and it’s coloring how you view yourself and your future. Stop worrying so much. Take it easy on yourself. Relax. Get involved in other interests, but make sure that you don’t isolate yourself from women in the meantime. Being excited and engaged is very attractive to the opposite sex.

Good luck to you.