This is a blatant plea for attention. :)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Now, I’m not usually a fan of wallowing in self-pity, but I have a feeling that I will be in this post. Although I really don’t know any of you (being the lowly newbie that I am ;)), I’m inexplicably compelled to unburden myself on the board. Here’s the story…

Last autumn, I started my freshman year at a university in a city that was once called the hub of the universe. I was nervous and anxious and suddenly not thrilled with the idea of leaving my hometown, but I went anyway, determined to do well and enjoy myself. Even before I had left, I knew that I was heading towards another depressive episode (didn’t someone recently post that clinical depression is basically a prerequisite for posting in MPSIMS?), but I had no clue that it would get as bad as it did. I’ve been suicidal before, and I’ve had days when I just didn’t feel like doing anything, but while I was at college, I could barely function. Some days, I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping properly, I ended up withdrawing from three of my classes. As you can probably imagine, I wasn’t exactly in a state where I could be sociable, and, as a result, I didn’t really make friends on campus – friendly acquaintances, sure, but not actual friends. With the support of my family, friends, doctors, and some amazing people on campus, I decided that I needed to take a semester off. After finals in December, I headed home to recuperate. For the next eight months, I grew and healed and generally tried to figure out what I needed to do to get back on track.

Fast forward to September. I’m genuinely happy – I’ve got a great support system and my meds are clicking. I’m also back at school, and even though I love my classes, the city, and the people here, I’m feeling pretty lonely. All of a sudden, I’m inept at making friends. I just – I don’t know – I just don’t know how to meet people. It’s sort of bizarre, because I’ve never had problems with that before being so sick last year. I’ve been in plenty of situations where I didn’t know anyone, and by the end of the experience, I’ve had tons of new close friends. I still have those friends – thank God – but none of them go to my school, and there’s only so much e-mailing/letter-writing/telephone-calling a person can do. To make matters worse, I’m currently living in a single room, as my erstwhile roommate (a sophomore) moved to a much coveted suite on the lower part of campus with her best friend. I don’t really know where I fit – I’m not quite a sophomore, I’m not quite a freshman.

Our student activities day is coming up soon, so I’ll have the opportunity to get involved in a bunch of things, but that doesn’t really help me now. So, I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I don’t want to talk to my friends/family about this tonight because it’s getting late and I don’t want to worry them over something that’s sure to pass. I do need a hug, though, even if it’s a virtual one. Anyone up for making a newbie smile?

Jessica, who feels much better after venting and apologizes for this self-indulgent post

2

((((((((Serendipity)))))))))

3

((((((((Jessica))))))))

I’m proud of you for going back and trying again. Thank you for not making the same mistake I made. Take it slow, acclimate, I promise you’ll be ok. :slight_smile:

4

I’d hug ya, kid, but my wife…

I dealt with your original situation with self-medication. Liquor and drugs helped me through the most awkward moments. Or was it that they CREATED the most awkward moments? Either way, I stayed drunk and stoned through every social situation in college. Made friends, mostly drinking buddies, and kept only two–a friend and my wife.

The pattern continued for another ten years, until I finally quit. What to do now? I have no social skills! And strangers scare the hell out of me! So I hid in a corner with a book for another decade.

Thanks to prescription meds I am not nearly as uncomfortable with new people as I was. However, the memory of my fear still drives me. I’m terrified even of the upcoming ChiDopeFests but it is a false fear, one that I should no longer have. When I am in a social setting I’m still shy but can converse and even ENJOY MYSELF! If things get too loud and confusing I can escape, but I am able to return to the party quickly.

My point? Um…well…mostly that you’re not alone. And the way depression meds work this is actually your real personality showing through, but it is one you have control over. And that being kinda shy is okay. And that I always like shy girls and would have made a play for you, but only if I were drunk.

Okay, that’s my REAL point. You’ve done everything right so far. Keep going down this path and don’t follow the one I did. You’re doing great.

Now my Dale Carnegie training comes through: Get whoever you are talking to talking about themselves. “Me” is everybody’s favorite topic. Ask leading questions, listen to what they say, and the conversation will take care of itself. You’ll end up with a new friend and they’ll think you are the most interesting person on Earth because you showed so much interest in them. “What’s your major?” goes from being a trite question to being an evening–or a lifetime–when you follow it with “What made you choose that?”

5

{{{Jessica}}}

You shine, stand heads-and-shoulders above and have strengths most know naught of, so kwitcher beatin’ up on yerself. New stuff, challenging stuff is harder’n hell, so take your steps one at a time.

You’re there, where you know you can be and should be. You’ve made huge adjustments along the way. If you get the achievement/learning stuff down and nail the social and love stuff at the same time, fergit school and the SD. You can make a damned mint writing how you did it.

You feel strange, other people look strange and it’s a mess. That’s perfectly normal. You’re different, the people are different, the environment is different…growth is generally a pain. If it’s any comfort, the people who look like they know what they’re doing are seriously mistaken.

Untested metals lack patina (and strength), so don’t facades spook ya. You’re doin’ fine, just fine and more than fine. Jessica, you rock in all ways that matter…and last.

Hang in. And email me if you want. Please.

Supporting Jessica,
Veb

6

((((((((Serendipity)))))))))

7

Thanks for the encouraging words, guys. They’re much appreciated. :slight_smile:

So, dropzone, I’m going to follow your advice tomorrow in my newly resolved mission-of-the-day. Tomorrow, I’ve decided to meet at least one interesting person, either in my dorm or in the dining hall or in the quad or… well, wherever. This will serve two purposes. One, it will help me get back to being my normally friendly self. Two, it will mean my sister (a social butterfly who I sometimes think doesn’t know the meaning of the word lonely) has to send me a care package. On the phone the other night, she said, “Jess, for every new person you meet, I’ll send you a care package. No new friends? No new care packages!” Then she laughed evilly as only an almost seventeen year old can. Nothing like outright bribery to motivate a girl. :wink:

Tomorrow also marks the beginning of Parents’ Weekend, which means my mom is coming to visit. Yay! (My dad has to stay home to keep an eye on the above mentioned butterfly.) A respite from dorm food! (I was hoping to get her to take me to the Cheesecake Factory, but after reading voguevixen’s post, I’m not so sure…)

Jessica, who is constantly amazed by the kindness of SDMB posters

8

{{{{{{Jessica}}}}}

As it happens, campuses all over the world are literally crawling with people feeling uncomfortable with themselves and their new environs. Take a good look around, next time you’re out of your room (did I mention you had to actually leave your room?}, look closely and you will find someone else who hasn’t quickly made a friend.

Walk right on over there and take dropzone’s advise to heart, tell them you love their; shoes, hair, sneer, anything. Ask them about themselves. It’s only the first step that’s scary.

I promise that none of this is as hard as what you’ve already come through.

9

{{{{Jessica}}}}

Hey, Boston is cool…you just need to understand that it’s not YOU, it’s THEM!

I make friends very easily and after living there for 2 1/2 years, I had one (ONE!!!) good friend to show for it. The people in Boston are wicked nice, they just don’t let you into their lives.

Here’s the good news: You are young…and in college. You just have to get out there and participate. Say P.S.D.S instead of ‘pierced ears’. :smiley:

Good luck sweetie! I have no doubt you’ll disappear soon due to a rabid social life!

10

Serendipity, I didn’t have anything like the hard time you did, and I still found myself nodding and smiling with recognition at the feelings you describe. Hang in there, sweetie - I think deep down most people have exactly the same anxieties you have. Your advantage here is you have enough intelligence and self awareness to recognise what you’re feeling. A lot of people never do.

Nothing concrete to add, just to say “you’re doing fine”, and to send support from another friendly stranger! And apart from anything else, remember this too shall pass.

11

You seem to do very well on the message board here, talking to people. Is there some sort of on-line support system at your college, where you could meet people over the Internet first and then meet them in person?

One of my daughters had an experience somewhat similar to yours. I will not go into it here but will e-mail her the link to this thread. She may have a few things to share with you, and also, her best friend attends Harvard. She could possibly introduce you to Beth (who posted here once at the “Unsettling Subway Experience” thread).

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{{{{Jessica}}}}

Does your college have a Daily Jolt? If so, that would be a good way to meet people–post something on the forum. If it doesn’t have the Jolt, then you need to agitate for it! That’ll give you something to do. If you’re not familiar with the whole Jolt phenomenon, check out the happenin’est Jolt in creation at http://smith.dailyjolt.com and find the link with info on how to bring it to your school.

13

You guys rule.

As for an update, today was student activities day, so I signed up for a bunch of stuff that I’m interested in – swing dancing, volunteer work in the medical field, Irish culture… lots of new and exciting things. I also introduced myself to a girl in my psych class. Woohoo for assertiveness. :slight_smile:

I do have some friends at Harvard and Simmons, and I should definitely get in touch with them, too. But, if like Spider Woman, you know someone in the Boston area, I’d love to meet them. :slight_smile:

Sue, I’m working on my Boston accent. I can now use the word “wicked” in almost every sentence, although I’m still a little unclear on the difference between milk shakes and frappes. :wink:

Jessica, who is off to go be social for a little while (yes, ** Mr Elbows**, I’m leaving the room!)

14

Sounds like you feel just the same as I felt six years ago. Hang in there, hon, it gets better. & at least you’re in Boston, which is a cool city with lots of fun stuff to do!! Try to remember that lots of people are feeling as isolated & lonely as you are. Talk to people, get out & do stuff…it WILL get better.

15

Hey, you’re in Boston?

Well ya know…

Boston is pretty superhip. I live here, I know a bunch of fun places.

I’m sorry, what University did you say you were at?

If it’s BU, I’m about 600 yards from you.

I know there was a Boston Dopefest recently, but I missed that. I was too bashful, but if there’s another one soon i will go.

Drop me an e-mail or something if you want to talk.

16

First warning flag.

Second warning flag.

Third warning flag. I’ll stop indicating them now.

What you have here is a case of (as you’ll see later) not living for yourself. I did this throughout most of grade and high school and it very nearly kiilled me - if I had had a knife or more time, I wouldn’t be here.

But I also forgot to live for myself the latter part of fall term and on throughout almost all of spring term, and that left me in a position where I didn’t want to do anything most of the time. I was living for everyone but me . . . keeping odd hours, straining myself to do things I damn well shouldn’t have done, allowing people to use me recklessly and not telling them the shit they were pulling or how badly it was affecting me. End result: had I had a knife I would have ended up in the hospital.

Yup. This is basically what happened to me. My biorhythms (eating and sleeping) got so far off target I was waking up around 3 and going to sleep c. 6 pm. Not good since I ended up skipping every class for a month and a half. I ended up withdrawing from French, Health and a singing class. I love French and singing, and I just found myself unable to drag me to the health class thursday nights.

I got really lucky in this case. In October of my fall term I joined our school’s academic team. That was basically the only “social” thing I kept up with, as I just stopped going to practices for my gospel choir because I was too tired and too scared to go. The friends I made in the ATT (Academic Trivia Team) were as strange and previously hurt as I was, so I fit in well there and I didn’t have to “make a face to greet the faces I met.”

Pardon me for asking, but why do you want to go to college? What do you want to gain from it? My problem was that I didn’t see it as much of an opportunity so much as something I had to get through to get the job I wanted.

As tired as this must sound to you by now, find a club or organization that appeals to you and join it. GO to your school’s activities, organizations and programs place (ours is called SOAP) and ask for a list of things they sponsor. Go to bulletin boards around campus and look for announcements that interest you. In college you’ll find that very few people knock on your door and ask if you’re interested in doing X thing . . . this was the case occasionally in high school. Other than frats and sororities, very few progs do this in college.

You’re a second semester freshman. My roommate, right around the beginning of spring term, moved in with a frat brother of his after said frat brother’s roomie got caught with a bong. So I was all alone for quite some time. I didn’t handle that well at all.

The hug bit has been taken care of. Don’t use the excuse that it’s getting late. Your parents, painful as this is to say for me, hopefully do know what you’re goin through. If they’re the kind of people you can talk to about this, do talk to them. Absolutely call your friends . . . if only to talk. Doesn’t have to be about the shit you’re facing now, just talk to them.

Do not apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong with this post. What would have been wrong would be to do what I used to do . . . “You don’t need to worry about it.” I used that phrase so much that by virtue of using it people knew I was in trouble.

It would appear that I missed this OP long enough to find out you live in Boston, which takes case of one question (knew another Jessica a long time ago . . . you are not her, Thank God). I don’t think you and the two people I know at Hahvahd would get along, so that takes care of two people.

Boston has [swallowing pride] a lot to offer . . . what do you like to do? Or eat? Or see? They probably have it up there or close by.[/swallowing pride]

17

Hey, Jessica.

I would be the daughter mentioned by Spider Woman. I did do basically the same thing you did, only it was my second year of college, and I wasn’t away from home. My depression had nothing really to do with being able to meet people, though I do share that problem with you.

I’ll talk to my friend Beth. She’s one of the most outgoing, funny and nice people I know, and she’s also pestering me to go to Boston and see her all the time. She’d probably love to meet you, and I’ll be sure to look you up when I’m there, too.

Congratulations on going back to school! hugs You’ll make it.

E-mail me if you’d like.

18

Serendipity,

absolutely no need to apologise. Many of us have been in an similar situation (even in a different country), and are happy to help and sympathise. Also there are plenty of other people who could use the advice you’re getting.

I ‘changed’ my group of friends in school, and was really lonely for about a year. I didn’t tell my parents or my teachers. (Now I’m a teacher, I try to watch for a kid in a similar situation, so I can help them). Luckily I was a keen chess player and so made friends outside school.

Then I really messed up my first year at University. I didn’t do much work - and didn’t tell anyone. (if only the Internet had been around in 1972!)

The University offered to let me resit the whole year again. Now in my case I did fine by instead getting a job in computing, but most folks do better by finishing their education.

Anyway, as other posters have said:

  • you’re not the first to go thru this stuff
  • try to talk to people you trust about it
  • make friends e.g. by joining a club
  • remember that other people are nervous too

Good luck!

19

Jessica, you remind me of…everyone else I know, including me.
No, that’s a rotten way to start a post. Let me try again.
I think everyone here has done a very good job of reminding you that you’re not alone. I’ve been at college (or in it, depending on how much value you give grammar) for a month and it ain’t easy. ButI never was the popular type, I’d rather have one or two very close friends. Oh well. HIgh school was for me as college has been for you. I was more than halfway through my sophomore year before I found someone I could really trust and He is at a college 300 miles from me. So I am sort of starting over. But I have high hopes, most everybody is very nice. Hope that helps to some extent…

As for depression as a prerequisite, I don’t know about that, I just can’t fathom why anybody who wasn’t depressed would WANT to post in our little abode. Personally, I almost never post elsewhere. Hmm

I’ve never actuallu given a virtual hug, so you’ll be the first to tell me just how it feels to be totally wrapped up in flup.
(flup{{{{{{{Serendipity}}}}}}}flup)

:smiley:

Rob

20

Oh, lots of stuff to reply to… First, iampunha’s post.

I wanted to go to college because I wanted to. I wanted to learn new things, meet new people – generally expand those horizons. I never felt pressure from my parents, friends, or teachers to go to college; I didn’t come here just because it was “the thing to do.” I wanted to challenge myself, and this seemed like a good way to do it.

Yeah, it is getting kind of old ;), but I’m still doing it. It can be a difficult first step, I think, but I’ve already taken it.

I know that, but saying so gets me confuzzled looks from many of my peers. I just tell them that I took spring semester off.

You’re comletely, right iampunha, I shouldn’t use the excuse that it’s getting late. Fortunately, I was blessed with amazing parents and amazing friends who all know what’s going on and who go out of their way to make sure I’m OK. Some days I feel guilty for burdening them with all of my crap – even though I know it isn’t a burden (I get thwapped by my friends when I tell them I think I’m bothering them ;))and that I take care of them as much as they take care of me. I got off the phone with my friend Beth a couple of minutes ago, so, once again, I’m taking the advice of SDMBers. :slight_smile:

As for Turpentine’s question, I go to Boston College – chock full of Jesuit fun. :smiley: Actually, I feel pretty lucky to be going here; they really instill a sense of community in everyone. It’s generally a friendly campus, and I need to take advantage of that.

Angie, thanks for talking to your friend Beth. It’s incredibly sweet of you, and I do appreciate it. :slight_smile:

So, now that I’m all pumped up by everyone’s smashing posts, I’m going to go meet some of the girls in my hall. Wish me luck, and thank you for all of the good thoughts.

Jessica