i'm never going to have a girlfriend

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

honestly, i don’t even want one at a lifestyle choice. But i’m 24 and i’ve never had one (talking to people on the internet doesn’t count). People do stuff at 15 that i have never done. held hands, hugged, talked on the phone, went to movies. I have never experienced them. ANd i am coming to the conclusion that i never will.

This is supposedly prime dating time. I am of college age in a college town. but i sit in my apartment. And like i said, i don’t think i want a girlfriend. i just want to get it over with so i can say ‘yes i’ve had a girlfriend and if i want one i can go out and get one’ but i can’t do it. i cant force conversation with strangers who are annoyed by the fact that men like them in the hope that for every 10 people that blow me off 1 will like me.

When i am in public and i see a woman i am attracted to i say to myself ‘kill hope’ or ‘thank you for not wasting your time’ to talk myself out of any attempt of meeting her. and i’m starting to believe it. I have had a female friend tell me to just go talk to her, but her biggest complaint is that too many men like her and are interested in her so her advice is esoteric and doesn’t really take into account my situation, background or mindset. my other female friend is too emotionally immature and to offer quality advice.

plus i have hella low self image with women. i don’t know why, in any non-sexual interaction i have a perfectly healthy self image. I’ve had MD’s, entrepreneurs, Ph.D.'s, people from all educational or cultural backgrounds (if you include people on the internet, of course) compliment my personality. many people i talk to think i am in my 50s just by the way i talk, they assume i’ve had enough life experience to be older. But those are just in non sexual relationships.

plus i’m introverted as hell.

and in case anyone wonders, yes i know lack of self confidence isn’t sexy. i know a few men who are really good with women so i’ve picked up pointers. But this issue is pretty deep psychology. Saying its not sexy to not have a girlfriend at 24 or to have low self esteem is like telling an anorexic that its not sexy to be too thin. The psychological basis of the problem is alot deeper than that.

in college last year there was a girl in class who i thought liked me so i decided to test a pick up trick i’ve learned from friends. I stared unflinchingly at her eyes for about 20 seconds while she was talking to her friends. AFter i did that, she kept trying to meet me but i basically didn’t follow through. I guess tehre are multiple reasons for this.

  1. i was afraid if i did something wrong with her, i would have been charged with sexual harassment and had my college life in trouble, or if things didn’t work out when we went out school would be awkward for the rest of the year.

  2. im introverted. i am not sure how to have a conversation with another person.

  3. the self image thing.

can anyone relate or give good advice?

2

Use capital letters.

I’m joking!! You’re intelligent, pick up your self-esteem and go find yourself a dream girl.

3

how does one do such a thing if i solve the self esteem thing?

again, i dont even think i want a relationship, i just want to get a girlfriend so i can get it over with and obtain the ability to get one at will.

4

Your post sounds like something I would write… I’ve only been on one date and have kissed only two girls (the first being on the date, the second during a game of Truth or Dare Jenga… yeah, I’m a huge geek) and I’m 21, so I can definitely relate.

Trying to get to know a woman, getting her to like me, and then trying to keep her interest in me all sound impossible and it honestly scares me sometimes when I try to think about it.

5

I’m in a similar boat as you, though don’t feel too envious about what you have/haven’t done. I was in a relationship with a girl where I did quite a lot more than holding hands- however the relationship was the most effed up mistake of my life, it ruined a friendship I had which took six long years to rebuild trust.

In a way, if you haven’t experienced something, not experiencing it does not create the same sense of longing that a person who has experienced something and then never got to again.

With relationships, here is some advice I have based on my (limited) experience:

  1. Don’t fear rejection. Its probably the biggest thing holding you back right now.

  2. Don’t get in a relationship for the sole purpose of feeling ‘normal’ or thinking you can only be happy in a relationship. Being single for so long has given myself a chance to reflect on me, what I like and such, rather than being infatuated by someone else and their needs.

  3. Try not to take a girls feelings toward you too personally. If they are not attracted to you, that’s just how they feel. It doesn’t make you an ugly/bad person, its just their own perception of you. Ultimately we are left to ourselves to change our minds about how we feel; you can do everything you can to get someone to like you, but it is solely their own feelings that will be the determining factor.

  4. Do what you feel the most comfortable/happy about. I’d never want to trap myself in a relationship that I was miserable in, just because I should feel ‘grateful’ I’m in a relationship. Its self-destructive to torture yourself about that.

6

Hey, just relax. I’m in the same boat, heck even the same age. Only one date in HS, and that left a nasty after-taste. A few dates where we mutually agreed that were terrible too.

Pretty much in a self imposed (s)exile in college. A few female friends; I never had the urge to date causally.

Me? I’m having too much time having fun to consider dating again. Maybe when I hit 25…:dubious:

You could always ask friends if they know anyone who’s available.

Hey, just hang in there. You never know what’s in store! :slight_smile:

7

If not for this MB, I would be you, TCoL. I got lucky … that’s all I can say (and anyone who knows me would agree:D).

Post in flirt threads. That’s my best advice. Stuff happens there, man (I know. It happened to me;)).

8

Stop looking for a girlfriend and start looking for a friendfriend. That should take some of the self imposed pressure off and you can settle in to having fun with attractive members of the opposite sex. Friends sometimes make the best lovers.

As for your introvert-ness, tell yourself to talk to these girls anyway. The worst that can happen is that they may tell you to go away. That’s not so bad, really. If it does happen, try not to take it personally and go on to the next and the next and the next. Consider it sample dating. :slight_smile: You are interesting and articulate, surely you can make small talk, but it does take practice. If it weren’t for my SO being an extreme extrovert, we may have never spoken at all during our first few months of dating. If it helps, make up a mental list of topics to talk about.

Now get out there, and score one for the SDMB!

9

There are flirt threads?

10

Calculus, fear not, one of my exes said the very same thing. Worry about keeping the girlfriend once you get one. :frowning:

11

sirtonyh, MPSIMS is flirt thread heaven (IMHO is second place, really):slight_smile:

12

friends? the introvert thing would get in the way of that too. i’m not big on friends. besides, i think alot o’ women tend not to date friends. plus i’m not in any orgs (school hasnt started yet) so i do not know if trying to make friends in the middle of wal-mart is pragmatic.

13

All the guys I’ve ever dated were my friends first.

Except for one, and he turned out to be the biggest asshole ever.

I know plenty of girls like me, who would rather date guys in their circle of friends rather than A. Random Guy.

14

Female perspective here: I am 30, look about 25, 5’10” and 120 pounds, former ballerina with blue eyes, dark hair, somewhat attractive- (I suppose; really good-looking men seem to like me, and some equally good looking women do, too,) who prefers either shy, bookish guys or really funny big guys. I usually meet my favorite guys at work or in class; not often in a public place. Though I am extremely protective of my body and have had very few physical relationships; I have had many serious flirtations, dates, phone calls, long term friendships, etc with lots of introverted men. I usually make the assumption that someone quiet and pensive has a completely different perspective on life and can tell me things, teach me things, that I haven’t observed myself (most likely because I was too busy talking or flirting) I am going to risk making a blanket statement here: my experience has been that you guys are very, very smart. And that is very, very sexy.

If the idea of a physical relationship is the intimidating part, then you can postpone sex until you both simply cannot keep your hands off each other any more. Things will progress naturally from there. Believe me, if your lack of experience in bed frightens you, most women who might find themselves in your bed are busily dealing with their own fears of revealing their naked body to you. (The myriad of body issues that American women suffer from is too well known and has too many origins to discuss in this thread, just trust in the fact that women can match or even beat your insecurities) Or, if sex is very important, there is another solution: make a female friend with whom you have no sexual tension, and ask. The techniques and procedures to pleasing a woman can be easily taught- almost clinically explained. Yes, all women are different, but any trustworthy female friend can tell you the basics.

No, insecurity is not sexy. But the opposite end of the spectrum, cockiness, can be tiresome and aggravating.
We all know shy people and understand your reservations. Most humans are kind and patient enough to take the time to get to know someone who is nice and polite. But even those of us who are extroverted can get nervous, or sweaty, or stutter, or make an inappropriate comment or otherwise embarrass ourselves. Just sit back and watch a crowd of talkative people- you will soon see that every personality type is equally capable of making a fools of themselves.

As far as First Contact: What are you good at? What do you know a lot about? In other words, what do you have to offer that a member of the opposite sex might be interested in?

15

When dealing with First Contact, try to avoid the Borg!

16

Just be sure to avoid the “friend zone” with any woman you’re attracted to. From the woman’s point of view, you are just a friend, and as such can be counted on to fill in for surrogate-boyfriend duties as the needs arise: platonic wedding date, help with car/dealing with mechanic, etcetera. You are a good source material for the male point of view. Years can go by, with you pining away, dutifully serving the friend role as best you can.

This is the most unhealthy kind of relationship there is for a man.

I’m not saying you can’t be friends with women; women make wonderful friends. But don’t start with the friend zone with a woman you’re into. Make it clear from the start; ask her out. Women respect that, because they will understand where you’re coming from. Either they will be interested or not, and they will let you know immediately. That is as it should be.

But if you go for the friend angle with a woman you’re attracted to, be prepared to hear about every guy she is hot for. And in the long run, be prepared for bitterness.

The best advice I ever heard for meeting women is to go and do activities you like in a venue where there are a lot of people. That way, odds are you’ll meet someone with similar interests.

And school. School is the best place to meet people. Mostly because there are no workplace policies prohibiting fraternization.

17

If you don’t want a relationship, then why agonise over it; get on with living!

It sounds though (and I could be just plain wrong) that you would like to be in a relationship, but you just think it is impossible.

What do you really want?

18

Having had doesn’t garner you the ability to get on ‘at will’.

And if you don’t want a relationship, then I don’t think you should look for one.

But if you DO want one, try looking for women who share your interests. There’s probably a few canidates that you already know.

19

I don’t know why, but I found that funny as hell.

:D:D:D

20

Aww man- ‘First Contact’ was intended to be a joke. “Where no man has ever gone; final frontier; one giant leap, etc”

Was trying to make light of that first difficult step- but thanks to all my fellow sci-fi geeks for s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g it out for everyone. :stuck_out_tongue: