I’m trying to figure out a few things and I have some questions.
Not sure if this is the right sort of forum. I just googled discussion forum. To get people’s opinion on these things.
Do women actually like or love men ?
As I understand it at the moment women are either much like men and they’re drawn to the opposite sex through some sort of compulsion we call love. Or they’re more materialistic and driven by the urge to produce children (I know we all are in some capacity).
For example, if a man loses all of his money and has nothing left to live for, he usually turns to his wife and kids. If the man loses all his money the woman often leaves him for being a shit provider.
As I’ve never had a relationship. I don’t know which is true. Is your girlfriend going to love you ? Or is she just going to use you for some reason.
Is it a pain to sleep in the same bed as someone else ? I’m rather tall and my bed is a double and only just big enough for me. If I were to share it with another person it would be crowded. What if you need to fart ? Wouldn’t she get sweaty and make you bed dirty ? Wouldn’t she smell ?
The concept of a “partner” just seems too foreign to me to be real right now. I can’t even think what it might be like to kiss with someone who wants to kiss you back.
I’m not a virgin, but it has been more of an acquired than earned experience if you get my drift…
I feel a little distant and cold toward women. The whole relationship thing seems foreign and strange. Do you think this is normal considering my situation ?
Do you want a girlfriend? If so, why? If it’s just because you think that’s expected or normal, that’s not a good enough reason. If you want companionship and physical intimacy, that’s a good reason.
The answers to all your other questions vary with the individual. Generally, if you are honest, decent, and make a little effort with physical appearance and hygiene, you have a very good chance of meeting an honest a decent woman.
I don’t think with the women out there that it is a “one size fits all”. There are many different types of women (and different types of men as well). Speaking for myself, I have had several serious relationships in the past, but at this point, I actually prefer living alone. I really do. Of course, if I did meet someone great, I would not turn down a date if he asked me out. I think in your case you have not met the right woman yet. Do you want to have children at some point? The worst that could happen if you married at some point, would be to divorce, and divorce is very acceptable nowadays.
If you like someone’s company, you don’t mind being a bit squished in the bed. Being part of a couple takes practice. Always treat the person how you would like to be treated. ALWAYS
Though losing the money doesn’t help, I would think the conditions under which he lost all of his money is more worrisome than the actual loss of money.
The Kinsey Scale (Yes, that guy Kinsey from all those questionnaires in the 1940’s.)
. Asexuality
Asexuality can exist by itself, as just another possible way people can be wired.
It can also be part of what is called (although the term is needlessly alarming) schizoid personality disorder.
If you insist that anyone occupying your bed must take a shower first, then no, your bed won’t get dirty.
I don’t know if this is true. It doesn’t seem like it is to me, but let’s say it is–or at least the part about women leaving a “shit provider”. So what? Anyone who says that a relationship is all about love is lying to themselves. At the end of the day, a partner has to bring something tangible to the table. Whether that be sex, domestic skills, children, and yes, money. You can’t eat love. People who sign up for a “equal” partner aren’t just looking for someone who will love them “equally”, but someone who will hold up their end. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.
That response tells me you would be more relieved to be told that it is okay not to want a girlfriend, then if people tried to convince you that you should try harder to get one.
Also, I think your views on relationships are the result of how you feel about relationships, not the cause of them. (Lack of) feeling comes first; rationalisations come later. So I don’t think a discussion of how much of love is mercenary, regardless of the outcome, will change how you feel. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a fun discussion for the rest of us.
If that is true, the label asexual might apply to you. As it does to about 4 % of all non-married men. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nature and society need all types of men to make it work. In other times, men like you would have been happy as monks, envied and admired for how easy chastity and seclusion came to you.
Or, if you can do without much human company at all, you would have been valued as an lighthouse or castle keeper on a deserted island, or a shepherd.
Or you could just find an asexual woman (yes, they are out there too) and have the kind of relationship (living apart together?) that fits you both.
Certainly, both are possible. There really are relationships in which the woman genuinely loves her husband/boyfriend, and there also are those in which she’s just using him.
That’s why they make queen- and king-sized beds. Although some people like the intimacy of snuggling up close to their partner, some find that they can really use the extra room. A few even find it works better for them to sleep in separate beds.
Is that because you don’t really want a partner, or because you do want one but can’t imagine it actually happening?
How do you feel toward people in general? Or animals, for that matter (dogs, cats, etc.)? Do you have any non-sexual close relationships?
And with the notion that most women will leave a man if he loses his money, well, most women don’t like that attitude.
I married my husband when he was quite poor, and stayed with him. Still married to him after 36 years. Now, if he’d gambled or drank or used drugs, and lost all of his money that way, yeah, I probably would have left him. Not because he lost money, but because he had a gambling or drinking or drug problem. There’s a big difference. On the other hand, we’ve lost all of our savings because of things that were out of our control, like having to move (he was in the Air Force) or the car broke down or something like that. We were eligible for food stamps and other programs (but didn’t take them) for many years.
Some girlfriends will genuinely love you. Others will only want to use you. Different women are DIFFERENT. They want different things. They will react in different ways. What is appealing to some women will repulse others. There is no magic formula which will get you ANY woman you want (despite what spammers will tell you). One woman might love to receive floral bouquets. Another woman might be allergic to most flowers, and have cats who love to eat flowers.
Your best bet is to treat women like individual human beings. I mean, I’m friends with a lot of men. Some of them like comic books, some don’t…so I talk comics with the guys who like comics, and we have a great time. I talk about video games to the guys who like them, or books, or whatever. Same thing with women…with one woman, we might discuss the quandary of a woman who wants both a professional career AND kids, or we might discuss books or games. Or cats. Cats are always great to talk about. You have to accept people as individuals.
Yes, sleeping with someone else in the bed can be a pain, and yes they fart and sweat and snore and steal the covers. Most people who do it think that the cuddly intimacy trumps all of those disadvantages, though. That’s why they do it.
If you don’t want a relationship then don’t have one. Be what you are.
Um, yeah. Actually it’s is pretty usual.
Normal, heterosexual people start to become attracted to the opposite sex around puberty in their early teens. Actually finding a partner might take a bit longer, depending on how attractive, outgoing, confident and comfortable that individual is around the opposite sex, as well as the availability of suitable partners.
There are a number of factors involved in attraction, including physical appearance, mannerisms, social status, economic stability and so on. But generally, by either high school or college, most people have met at least one person that they feel compelled to see on a regular basis.
I don’t get the sense that the OP is one of those guys who just managed to have a lot of causal sex without ever settling into a relationship. From the tone of his posts, he sounds like he has some weird emotional disconnect from women (or possibly people in general). His posts almost sound like a space alien or cyborg trying to understand human mate-pairing behavior.
Yeah that’s what I was going to say. If someone is interested in having a relationship and hasn’t had one by 30, there’s something weird going on for sure. (Not to make it sound like it’s impossible then because it’s not. Socially-awkward people can get together with other socially-awkward people.)
Every woman is different. If she’s heterosexual or bi, and isn’t some kind of misandrist, yes, most will be sexually and emotionally attracted to men. Not all men, of course, just like you probably aren’t attracted to all women.
Attraction isn’t something that’s black and white.
When I was laid off from a job several years ago, the woman I was seeing at the time stuck by my side. (She’s still among my best friends, even though we’re no longer romantic.) A good relationship is also a partnership. If they love you, they’ll be there for you.
If you go into a relationship expecting the worst, you’ll never build up the trust it takes to keep it sustainable over the long term.
If you’re vulnerable or needy, some women will sense that, and take advantage of the situation. That’s true for men as well. If you don’t want to be “used”, don’t let yourself be used. Nonetheless, dating and mating involves emotional risk, and one of those risks is that you may get hurt along the way. In the long run, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Yes. There’s snoring, scratching, sheet stealing, rustling around, bathroom breaks, and disruptions from differing sleep habits. The disadvantages are outweighed by the emotional and physical connection. Get a big enough bed, and you’ll be fine.
It’s not fifth grade. You won’t catch girl cooties. If you think of women as inherently “dirty”, you’re probably not ready for a relationship with one, much less sharing a bed.
Crotches smell, especially after a lot of physical activity. Each woman has her own taste and smell; sometimes pleasant, sometimes not so much. Women will say the same thing about men.
People secrete fluids and sweat, and lose skin cells and hair through the day and night. In bed, men leave wet spots behind when they ejaculate, while women leave behind clumps of blood if they’re menstruating. Get used to it. Besides, that’s what a washing machine is for.
You can tell when it’s mutual. It’s wonderful.
Women and men are different, but don’t think of women as an alien species. They’re people. I know it’s hard to see it that way, when it seems like relationships are just outside of your reach; women seem like unobtainable, mysterious “objects”. It takes time, and a lot of close exposure to women as peers outside of a dating/mating setting, to get over that.
Find venues where you can meet and socialize with women (and men), but there’s no pressure to pursue relationships. Consider activities where there’s a group of “regulars”; Meetup groups, classes with a lot of interaction among students (Learning Annex, freeskools, non-credit classes at area colleges/universities, etc), activity clubs (many large cities have social clubs for singles, with different organized activities every day), and so on. Pick activities where there’s going to be a good balance of genders; e.g. NOT a Linux users group, amateur radio club, makerspace, etc. It’s okay if nobody there is “relationship material” - the goal is to socialize with women as people, not as potential partners, in a non-threatening environment.
If your social skills are rusty, you have a hard time reading visual cues from other people, or you’re somewhere along the spectrum, seek counseling, and consider working with an occupational therapist.
Taking your question at face value, most do, some don’t. If you’re looking for a woman to be in a relationship with, there’s no shortage.
Reading some subtext, maybe you’re more questioning why women in general find men attractive? If it seems odd to you, well, I’m sure it seems just as odd to straight women that men are attracted to them. Or just as odd to gay men that straight men are interested in women. A person is attracted to who they’re attracted to, and not attracted to who they’re not attracted to.
This is true of people in general, and not just with romantic relationships either. Some people genuinely enjoy and value the company of others, some use relationships with others to further their own goals. Most people are a little bit of both. This isn’t really something that differentiates men and women at all other than, perhaps, the cultural ideas that the materialistic goals of men and women are different.
This completely depends on the nature of the relationship. If it’s a shallow relationship, then, sure, a wife may leave her husband if he loses his money. If they have more to it, she won’t. Really, this isn’t all that different from other relationships in that regard. If a rich man loses all his money, he could easily see his circle of friends change a lot, where those who were just around to mooch off of him, or for social status or something will go away, and those who genuinely enjoyed his company will likely stick around and probably help him out.
Again, this depends on who you have a relationship with. It takes time to learn to sift through all the crap that users will put up to smokescreen that they will take advantage of you. But that’s just part of learning and experiencing. You build and establish trust, and then you go from there.
It depends. Personally, before my first real relationship, I thought it was kind of weird, and when first getting into it, I was used to silence, so hearing her breath was distracting. But I quickly grew accustomed to her, and ultimately found it easier and comforting to sleep next to her. It wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine, because she had a habit of hogging covers and was always colder than me, so sometimes she’d be cold and I’d be hot and all that, but overall, it was nice.
Of course, I can also see it being frustrating. If someone snores or shifts a lot in their sleep, I could see it being annoying. Some couples don’t sleep together every night in those cases, and that’s just something they have to work out.
You’re used to what you’re used to, and if you’ve never had a relationship, it’s understandable that it would seem odd. If you really do want a relationship, then that’s something you’ll understand in short order in being one.
That said, as others have also pointed out, you should think about why you want to be in a relationship. Does having a “partner” seem odd to you just because you have never been in a relationship, or does it seem odd because you quite enjoy living a solitary life? If you enjoy being single, you don’t have to pursue a relationship. Personally, I quite enjoyed being in a relationship, but after a few bad ones, I quite enjoyed my time being single and reevaluating why I was pursuing a relationship in the first place.
This could actually be part of the issue. To some extent, I guess it’s good that you don’t have that baggage, but it really doesn’t help with the concept of physical intimacy.
Frankly, it sounds to me like you would benefit from a little bit of soul searching before you pursue a relationship. Why are you cold and distant toward women? Do you really want a relationship or just feel like it’s what you’re supposed to do? If you are looking for companionship, what kind are you looking for? You may really want a romantic relationship, or maybe you’d do well just to have a good friend or a roommate, or maybe you’d be happier without having that self-imposed pressure of being in a relationship and living a solitary life.
Either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about whether what you’re going through is normal. Sure, there are plenty of people who are 30 or older who have never had a relationship, or may even be virgins. Society may look down on them, but you need to do what makes you happy.
I’d recommend, before getting too wrapped up in whether or not you want a relationship and all, find some way to get out a little more and meet people. It can be rough and even intimidating, particularly if you’re not used to it and shy, so you should try to find an environment where you do feel comfortable (ie, don’t go to a bar just to meet people if you’re not inclined to do that already). Once you meet some people and spend time with them, it’ll become a lot easier to sort your feelings out. In doing so, you may meet someone and find you naturally want to spend more time with her, and if so, just go with the flow. If not, that’s fine too.
