That is, women’s attraction to men, not men’s to women.
And boy, their way of being attracted to the opposite sex sure is different than men’s as it turns out. A thread about what women find unattractive got my mind running on the subject after the following exchange:
To which a Doper responded to with this:
And I think that’s what I’ve been unaware of all these years. To become attracted to a woman, all that’s required is for her to have a few things in common with me and then to look cute.
But for her to be attracted to me, I have to make her feel special. And there are other things that are taken into consideration as well, but perhaps these are all weighed to determine whether or not my compliments or remarks have any credibility.
So in summary, a man is attracted to a woman when she looks good. And a woman is attracted to a man when she looks good.
And…is that it?
Am I right? Wrong? If I am right, then how do I go about making women feel good in their day to day lives? I’m good at random conversation, but not so with the flirting variety and I’m never sure where and how to drop a compliment. Is someone who is successful with women better at creating opportunities for credible compliments? Or does he just let them fly?
I know this is a broad, broad subject, but I’m going to ask my question anyways: How does this work?
I am not a relationship expert. :smack: , but I’d like to make one point.
There is a big difference between by a man being attracted by a woman’s looks (happens all the time; that’s lust) and a happy relationship, which depends on lots of things.
While not being a woman (last I checked, at least) I can see something in there. Similar to the old saw about 'What sells men’s magazines? Hot chicks on the cover. What sells women’s magazines? Hot chicks on the cover."
Yes, men, in my experience, are certainly visually oriented. No surprise there. But in my experience in relationships (limited as I’ve been with Lady Chance over 20 years now) what attracted women to me wasn’t looks (nothing special in me…just a guy) was a lot about how you made them feel. Did they feel special? Did you make them feel worth pursuing? That sort of thing.
Everyone’s mileage may vary, God knows. This is just from my experience (and goes back to college, actually).
Your resume is great. Once you get past the superficial stuff that makes people initially attractive to each other, just make sure you are truly interested in the person. Close relationships consist of conversation. Physical and practical issues aside, you don’t have to agree on everything; but you do need to be interested in that person’s opinions. That’s the stuff intimacy is made of.
Usually the problem is in the search. What kind of women are you looking for and what kind of women are you rejecting? Because a lot of guys who describe themselves in glowing terms don’t want anyone less than Angelina Jolie.
Well, that’s basically it. By your own admission, there are millions of interchangable women out there who meet your requirements. Heck, an android programmed with your interests would work. Why would any one of them want to go out with you knowing that?
Beauty is ephemeral. Beyond looks, why are you interested in the woman? Would you be friends even if she wasn’t cute? That’s what women need to know.
I don’t think that’s quite right - I think it’s, a man is attracted to a woman when she looks good. A woman is attracted to a man when he makes her feel like she looks good, even if she doesn’t.
That’s the point. Women, for the most part, like to feel attractive (I can’t say I give a shit one way or the other, but I’m getting this secondhand from my very attractive younger sister who still insists she’s average). The best way to have attractiveness validated is to be told you’re attractive.
But that’s only some women. Other women, like me, are the proverbial tomboys. I’ve never cared about my looks (in fact, when I go to formal events I have to have my sister do my makeup because I’m freakin’ clueless most of the time). I buy comfortable, sometimes stylish but sometimes not, clothing and shoes, and I blow dry my hair only because I don’t like having wet hair clinging to my neck at work. What attracted me to my husband is that we have a LOT of the same interests in common (like, a lot), we learn a lot from each other, and his hair. I’m a sucker for thick, curly hair that I can run my hands through.
The point is that it varies depending on the woman, but for the most part - women in general like to feel that they’re special to their man. They don’t want to be one in the line of many. They want to be The One. I think that’s mostly universal, because he got even me with the “You’re the one I want to stay with for the rest of my life” line.
Are you talking about attraction, or are you talking about relationships? If you aren’t hideous, chances are you are as attractive to women as the next guy. To have a relationship with a woman who is attracted to you, that requires more than just not being ugly.
I’m looking for women with a seriously tweaked sense of humor, but tact, a sense of discipline, but a serious lack of inhibitions. Women with an artistic streak, and women who are intellectually interested. Also, a respect for her body, and no, that’s not another way of saying I’m looking for a supermodel or someone that works out twelve hours a week.
As far as rejections on dating sites go, I’ve had a few rugged tomboys send me messages. In all accounts their profiles usually offer a disclaimer at either the beginning or ending saying something akin to “I’m not pretty, cute, or feminine! I can probably kick your ass!”. Then there’s been a few others that have been really different from one another. Lately I’ve received two messages from two different women that totally struck me as being my type, but one ended up just carousing for attention and the other simply stopped talking to me after she sent her second message telling me how much she liked my first which also included her aim screen name.
As far as appearances go, I’m interested in a very wide variety of women. There’s been several times when I’ve agreed with a roomful of guys about a woman looking hot, and plenty of times where I was the only person who thought a particular girl was adorable. I think women with big noses are cute. When I had a job at Barnes and Noble I was once attracted to a girl partly because of her bad posture…she struck me as being laid back. I like skinny women, medium sized women, women with a few extra pounds, tall, short, black white, with glasses, without glasses, black, white, yellow, punk, goth, noir…Looking human is more attractive to me than looking like a supermodel.
Oh, I’m generally an upbeat person. I’ve got one of those.
Well I think the thing here is to worship woman. Throwing yourself down for everyone makes you look like a tool.
Heck, even throwing yourself before one person can make them lose respect for you.
I think “having a few things in common” will rule out the androids. We probably have different things in mind here. I’m talking about interests, favorite activities, our sense of humor, taste in movies and/or books…stuff like that. Not whether or not we both consume food to remain productive or breath air to remain alive. I mean, if I know a woman loves South Park, the Upright Citizens Brigade, the movie Brick, and the writings of Hunter S Thompson, well you can bet a similar sense of humor and possibly personality follows.
And yeah, I’d be friends with a girl even if she wasn’t cute.
That’s what I meant, I just wanted to make my summary of everything before that in my first post have extra sum. Let me rephrase it: Essentially, a man is attracted when a women looks good. A women is attracted when she’s told and believes she’s attractive.
Alright, so I get the bit about the significance of making a woman feel special, but how does someone go about doing that with someone they just met after five minutes of conversation?
I don’t know about you, but I’m definitley attracted to women who make me feel good. The kind that make me feel like a man - that I’m funny and strong even if I’m not that funny or strong. Usually these women also look good, and that matters, but I think you overestimate the difference between the sexes as far as what attracts us.
Ah - this is the heart of your question. What makes you feel special? Someone giving you their undivided attention, someone wanting to spend time with you, someone laughing at your jokes because they get your humour, someone taking your ideas seriously, someone expressing interest in you, would be my guess. I think if you did these things genuinely while talking with a woman you’re interested in, she would feel like she is special to you.
From your posts, I get a “trying too hard” vibe. I imagine that exists in real life as well. Back when I was dating, nothing turned me off faster than a “trying too hard” vibe from the men I was talking to.
It sounds like you want a relationship, but you don’t have anyone in particular in mind to have a relationship with. It seems to me that if there was a girl out there who you thought was special, you’d have no choice but to treat her like the most attractive woman in the room. It would just happen.
One of my friends has this problem a lot: He wants to have a girlfriend, but he doesn’t want to go through the hassle of being attracted to a girl.
So you have a good appraisal of what you want and who you are. Your only issue, as far as I can see, is that, contrary to what some people seem to believe, there aren’t thousands of women who meet your particular specifications whose specifications you’d meet.
I’m in the same position. It’s a question of looking until you find what you’re looking for. Sometimes that takes a while.
As for this whole ‘feeling special’ bit - I don’t really agree. Basically, you want the person you care about to give a hoot about you. You want them to enjoy your company, look forward to see you, and think about you when you’re not around. Why? Because those are indications that a person cares about you. You can’t ‘make’ someone feel special and it’s stupid to try if you don’t feel that way about someone.
What some people do, however, is suppress their warm feelings toward their SOs, which can certainly leave someone feeling uncared-for. So IMHO it’s not about ‘making’ anyone feel anything, but rather not stifling your warm impulses towards her when you genuinely feel them.
Well, realistically, isn’t that pretty much true? Given that people manage to find “the one” despite interacting with a seriously limited number of people, it’s statistically obvious that there are many people who would fit reasonable criteria, no matter how stringent those criteria may seem. (Rather like how every kink, no matter how outlandish, seems to have a few adherants on the internet.) Now actually combing through the three billion, that’s the problem.
You don’t, really. That sort of feeling special takes a little time.
For me, at least, the biggest thing a guy can do is take an interest in my life. Ask how my day went, what my job is like, what I enjoy doing with my time. If you know something’s been going on, then ask for an update or something. If you show that you’re interested in who I am, then you’re well on your way to making me feel cared for.
Honestly it’s just the little things, like “How was your day, dear?” and “You look nice today” that really do it for a lot of women I know. Not all of us need a big song and dance (in fact, that’ll just turn some gals off). We just want the most important thing you’ve got: your time.
I’ll tell ya a little something about my own relationship, that I wish I could change. My boyfriend, though I love him dearly, isn’t very outspoken with his affections. He doesn’t say he misses me, usually doesn’t say he’d been thinking of me. Sometimes he’ll ask how my day was or how I’m doing, but usually only once a week or so. I know he cares, but he just doesn’t show it a lot. Or, at least, doesn’t show it the way I do.
I’m just attracted to cute guys who have a lot of energy and share my values. I don’t want or need someone to make me feel special. I like it if a guy makes me feel encouraged, like I can do the things I want to do, but I wouldn’t say that’s what attracts me. Some men make me feel good about myself but it’s usually more a case that they are wonderful in themselves that makes me feel good.
Every woman is different and has different priorities. I think the biggest thing is that sometimes you meet someone with the same priorities and you click because you both instinctively know that you’ll be a good team. You’ll make each other feel like your best selves. But everyone’s idea of their best self is different. If you like someone’s whose idea of her best is being attractive, then lavishing her with love will make her feel good. But who knows? When you meet a woman you have no way of guessing her dreams for herself or who or what she hopes to be and maybe she doesn’t know either. So ultimately I think you just have to be yourself, keep your standards high and keep your focus on whether she makes you feel good. I could not even tell you why some men make me feel so good. I know it isn’t because they admire me or protect me, though. I don’t really believe that’s what most women respond to most. Or if we do, it’s too complex to figure out just what you should admire to push her buttons.
