I think most people, of the XX and XY persuasion, like people who they feel good around. That doesn’t mean people who tell them they’re wonderful, or people who make them feel safe (I know I don’t need a guy for that) but there are some people who are great but you just don’t feel good around. And some who are great who do. I don’t think it’s a male or female thing.
I’ve always liked men who looked me in the eye. I’ve always been rather buxom and the well-disciplined man who can keep his attention on my face interests me. I like it when we’re sitting at a table and he leans forward a little bit into the conversation or when he tucks my hair behind my ear and doesn’t say anything. * As long as he’s looking me in the eyes.*
It shouldn’t be a stare. He should let his eyes go back and forth a little bit. Nothing fake. Look at me. Touch my face.
If you have only twenty seconds to make an impression, then look at me INTENSELY.
One of the first things I noticed about my husband is that he has “Perry Mason Eyes.” Oh, my, my, my, my, my!
Translation:
I am poor and fat.
Mystery solved.
Get a high paying job and loss some weight and things will turn around 9and the lossing weight part is optional). That may sound harsh, but life is not fair.
And this:
casts doubt on this:
Wait a minute here now** Andrew Bird**.
I am as picky as a woman could be and I’ve seen JoeSki’s picture and he’s a very good looking man. He is being more than modest with regards to his looks and weight.
If I was 15 years younger and thought I could intellectually stimulate him, I’d be all over him.
Can you make her laugh? Crack that and you’re set.
JoeSki, I have the same problem. 'cept my problem is I look too frigging young, whenever I’ve thought about a woman I’d like to go out with, I’m always neutralised by the 100 or other so people who look older than I do, even if I’m around about the same age as they are! So no one takes me seriously, other than that, they regard me a ‘boy’ than a man. Heh.
This is huge. I’ve been out with guys who were eager to share their witty insights or deep philosophies on this or that, but who never asked me any questions about myself. They liked me and wanted to make a good impression, but they seemed so self-centered that it killed any interest I might have had. I want to know that you’re interested in me as a woman [person], not just as a Woman [female who might have sex with me].
I think this is because they are under the (mistaken) impression that their job is to impress you - to wow you with their wealth, accomplishments, whatever. Then again, we’re told that a lot of men define themselves by their accomplishments and it’s probably valid discussion among men.
In fact, I recall asking on another board one time why men weren’t pleased that women loved them for who they are rather than worrying that women love them for what they do (a lot of the gents on the board feared they hadn’t an impressive enough list of accomplishments). It seemed a concept foreign to them. Reminds me of the peacock in Hawaii who was doing his utmost best to show me his lovely tail. 
Let’s look at this from the other side.
Maybe it’s just my Anglo upbringing, or maybe it’s just the particular family I was raised in, but somehow I got the impression that asking questions about someone else was impolite. Worse: it was prying. If the other person volunteered the information, fine; but even a question like “Where did you get that picture?” was risky.
It took a long time before I got it through my head that it was okay to ask people about stuff. One of the members of the Esperanto club where I am is an unbelievable asker of stuff, and everybody else loves it. But it doesn’t come naturally to everyone.
These days, I know that asking is part of the back-and-forth between people; part of a conversation, in other words. But that is not necessarily obvious to all.
We are what we do.
Quiddity, I think there’s a lot of truth to what you’re saying. I would never go into a conversation thinking that approach is the best way to impress people, but then, of course, I’ve been socialized as a woman.
Fair enough, but a man interesting in attracting women ought to know that there’s something very nice about a man sincerely wanting to know more about your life and your thoughts.
Not in your resume:
Are you rich?
Now pay attention. It’s not about how much money you have but can you provide opportunity and security in the long term? I know a woman who was very beautiful and popular. She could have just about any man she wanted. She chose the bald, nuclear physicist with an great personality (I know it sounds like an oxymoran). She intrinsically knew that they would have great kids and that’s exactly what happened. I also personally know of several other similar examples.
I could go on and on but this is just the most obvious factor. Can you breed well and take care of the results? Work on that, get it resolved and there will be a fine partner that will glom on to you for life.
I will heartily disagree with the above comment.
Two years ago I was a student weighing 220 pounds. In the last two years I graduated and obtained a full time teaching job. Teaching may not be the richest profession but it pays the bills and provides financial security. As well in the last two years I trained, lost 50 pounds and ran a half marathon. The end result? A net gain of ZERO in my love life.
No…no bitterness here… 
Women are the perpetual bane of my existence no matter how hard I try…
I appreciate a compliment as much as anybody else, but that’s not what attracts me to a woman. Usually it’s an upbeat attitude paired with a personality similar to my own, that hooks me. When a girl shows me that not only do we have the same idea for what makes a good time, but that if that good time suddenly became a bad/tragic time through horrible misfortune we could still have that good time anyways.
And don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m expecting myself to screw up every step along the way on every future date or anything like that (I am a punctual, organized, and competent person in my day to day life), but I have a low tolerance for drama and bad attitudes. I believe happiness is a means towards happiness, and anger is a means towards anger.
To state an example: the most fun I’ve had all year was a short camping trip I made with a few friends in rainy weather at sixty degree temperatures. After four hours of sleep, I had to wake up at 6am the next morning, hike through the woods for forty five minutes, and then go home to clean up so I could be at work on the other side of town at 10am all while shaking off a light hangover.
Everything considered, I think most people would have thought a camping trip like that to be totally miserable, but me and everyone else had a total blast, low temperatures, rain, and all. Maybe it was bad planning on my friend’s part to go out camping in those conditions, and for me to agree to go along, but when you and everyone else have the right attitude, it really doesn’t make a difference.
Ya know, I’ve already seen a few posts suggesting that I’m trying too hard and I’m really, truly, sincerely not. Cite* . If anything, I’m asking how to try too hard because nothing is happening over here. I’ve tried the online scene, and I’m getting no where with that. I’m twenty one and have had two dates. There’s a time to think that something is a time consuming process, and a time to believe that you’re doing something wrong, and I’m going with the latter if only to be on the safe side so that I don’t pass up anymore opportunities.
*This is a rather old cite and while I’ve learned a lot since then, I do still operate off of the same cynical philosophies as found in the thread.
I can do dangerous dude too, but it’s not something to harp on about. That’s for posers.
Not much a fan of bars. I rarely drink. I like cafes and bookstores, but those usually attract couples, not singles.
Undivided attention and genuine interest. Tip noted, thanks :).
Around the same time I realized my sale numbers at my job were down because I was trying to close the sale before making the pitch, I realized I had pretty much had that attitude with women my entire life. You can’t stand around and say “Hey! Sign this here phone contract! You get free accessories, free phone, and free activation!” and expect it to happen even if it is the best (gosh darn) deal in town. There needs to be a sale, and that usually involves the customer doing most of the talking, not me. I never really understood this about sales, and it strikes me as being just as odd with women, but I guess I’d better just accept the knowledge and move on with it. This has been sinking in all month and still is. It’s not so much that I don’t want to be attracted, just that I don’t know how hard to press. I mean, I’ve been told to just “let it happen” and to be yourself for as long as I can remember, and that’s gotten me NOWHERE. I’d think letting who I am be known would attract some gals with similar interests, but perhaps this puts me in the “self centered” category?
And yeah, I want a relationship. I’m introverted and don’t have a lot of desire to date around. I just want to find one really cool person and rock out with and a few mutual friends. A few short term relationships would be good for life experience, but they’re not my goal.
I’m guilty of this. As much as I hate people who play “the game”, I feel like I’m playing it whenever I prevent my own interests in someone else being known. The last thing I want to do is come off as a creep, but making a half assed attempt at asking someone out or taking things too light or too easy isn’t any good either it seems. Somewhere in there a message has to be said saying “Hey, lets go do this and have a freakin’ blast, but if it doesn’t work out that’s cool too because I’ll leave you alone and go off and have a blast by myself”.
And maybe that’s said with a person’s attitude. Or outright. Or I don’t know and need a message board to tell me.
Ya know, I had a two month relationship going on with a girl, and I was really good at this. Once I knew she was into me, I was really an awesome partner. I made a mental note about everything. On our first date I gave her a pack of Spearmint Gum because she made an offhand comment that her world would be over if she didn’t have any with her. I followed up on jokes, and remembered things about her friends and family, and I made conversation accordingly. I knew how she felt about things. The ultimately doomed(!) experience proved to me that the only thing I have a hard time with in regards to women are those few minutes of jibber jabber that come before the hour long conversations, and the dates, and making stupid, drawn out jokes, and so on.
Eh, whatever. I have an entry level sales job that pays an average of $11 an hour on average and delivers thirty hours a week. It might not be much, but it’s more than most guys my age I meet make, and even if it wasn’t you can apply sales experience to anything. I figure three to four months from now I’ll move onto to something better. And yeah, being in school keeps me from making more money. I’m not fixing to drop out for some shortsighted gold digger.
I workout around 6-8 hours a week. I’m 5’8-5’10 depending on who’s measuring me, what they’re measuring me with, the temperature outside, atmospheric pressure, and what I had for breakfast. I currently weigh 185. I’m not sure if the extra weight is muscle or fat, only that I put it on while I was more diligent about working out and cared less about how much I ate because of it. I still eat a lot, but as long as I can jog four miles outside my apartment I don’t really care. I can think of a few people I know who are skinnier than me, but only have the fraction of my stamina and strength.
And as for my looks, you can judge for yourself. The first with my Grandmother was taken yesterday and the one underneath that sometime back in January.
Link 2
(Disclaimer: I don’t smoke. Nor am I black and white. I do wish I was a detective sometimes.)
Well hot damn! Thank you very much for the compliment :).
We had another member around these parts called “Soapbox Monkey” and he had the same problem you do regarding the whole looking young thing. You might want to do a search for his name and see how his love life developed from the time he registered here as a member to current times. I think the last time I saw his name pop up he was hitting it off real well with someone. Getting an internship that had him dealing with all types of people was what did the trick for him.
I think the real turn off is the feeling that a person wants to be in a relationship with ANYONE, rather than with you in particular. I’ve been the subject of that kind of attention and it kills whatever attraction I might have for that person.
I’m great at random conversation, including those starting with off the wall questions, but asking a girl I just met a bucket load of questions strikes me as being about as subtle as a punch in the face. Random questions I do, but diving deeper does feeling like prying unless I know the person. Is this kind of question asking come off as desperate and become a turnoff, or am I just screwing myself over by not blatantly and happily indulging my interests?
Seeing as how I am 21 and have not placed down roots anyplace in my life yet, I’m going to go ahead and modify this question as “Do you have any follow through, and are you responsible enough to maintain a job and keep your eye on the prize?”
Yes. My GPA leaves something to be desired, but I’m working on that now. I show up to work early, leave late, and have a great relationship with my coworkers and manager. My family and friends know me as someone that can be trusted and who will help them out with whatever they need, and while anyone can say that, I’ve already proven it. I’m self motivated and realistic; I have a good handle on my strengths and weaknesses.
I’m going to do alright. I don’t know if it’s going to be 100,00k+ a year alright, or 80,000 a year alright…I wouldn’t mind 30-40,000 a year alright if my job gave me an exciting life. I’m very good with handling my money. I rarely splurge, and I’m not very materialistic. A fifty cent novel from a used book store makes me as happy as a new (albeit used) Mercedes makes my twenty four year old manager. I enjoy living in apartments more than living in a neighborhood.
I’m doing good for now and I’ll do better later.
JoeSki, you’re a cutie!
Well, random questions are more than some guys ask, so you’re ahead of the game there. Questions like this show interest without being prying, I think: “So you work in x job. What attracted you to that field?” or “What’s the most interesting thing about your job?” Or “What do you think of Hunter S. Thompson’s later writings compared to his earlier works?” It’s not overly personal, but it gives you a basis for a good give-and-take conversation.
I’m with you on the positive attitude. Hang in there. You probably don’t want to hear this from an old married broad, but you’ll find someone or they’ll find you. Especially if you keep the upbeat outlook.
You know, Joe, after reading this thread and seeing your pictures, I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong, and you’re a perfectly good catch. The bad news is that it takes a while for people to find the right person sometimes, and you may not meet someone worthy of you (and I do mean that - don’t you dare settle) for some time yet. I met my husband when I was 33, and he is totally worth the wait. Heck, at 21, the girls of your cohort are still too young and stupid to see you for the gem you are. Keep on doing what you’re doing and be patient.
By the way, that is a great picture with your grandma - you and your grandma both have infectious smiles, and the picture leaves the observer with a very positive feeling.
Tell me something - are you looking for a serious, long-term relationship, with marriage as your ultimate goal?
No offense intended to the OP, but more often than not when a man or woman asks the question, “why aren’t I more attractive!?” and then lists a number of reasons why they should be found attractive, something is amiss. Usually, in addition to all those attractive tangibles listed, some intangible message is being broadcast as well.
This may be an air of desperation, of trying to hard, of neediness, of lack of confidence, of social ineptness, or something else that is making a little voice in the target’s head scream, “danger, danger!” If you have any concern that this could be happening, than it would be good work on it.
I disagree with Waverly - sometimes, the most attractive people in the world are just unlucky. I have quite a few girl friends who are smart, pretty, have a great sense of humor and are just in general great people, but they’ve never been in a serious relationship. They’ve attracted and been attracted to plenty of guys, but something has always been off - not always in terms of the person himself, but circumstances as well (one of my friends met a great guy in Boston a few months before she had to move to NY).
As for the OP, I’m never quite sure what makes a guy attractive to me. I’ve met guys who fit my personal description of an attractive guy, yet sometimes there’s been no chemistry whatsoever. I’ve also met guys who don’t fit that description at all yet I’ve managed to click with. Chemistry isn’t eveything, I suppose, but it does make a big difference.
With regards to the “women want to buy magazines with a hot chick on the cover” thingie…
Running thru minds of women browsing fashion mags: a poll for het females
to cut to the proverbial chase, not very many respondents said they could relate to
. Some find it useful to check the style-vector, see where style is heading, some are drawn in to the “you, too, could look like this” and experience it as a put-down, and more than a few find it to be like a train wreck… fascinating in it repulsiveness, or amusing in its pretentiousness, or both.
AND…with regards to the “what women want is to be found attractive” motif…
User’s Manual for being Reasonably Cute Nubile Female, please
In which I ask “What if I wake up female tomorrow and my approach to being female is to not give a shit (beyond the fundamentals of shower and teeth-brushing, etc) about making an effort to look my best: what would I miss out on?”
Upshot:
Several respondents said “yeah, that’s me, you’d be fine”. Some said “Actually, being The Girl can be kind of fun, you would want to dress up and spiff up at least to try it”. Some said “You’ll want to try it because it’s enticing; then you get drawn in because if you have this you have to buy that to go with it, etc”. I don’t think anyone said “Are you fucking crazy? Why bother being female and having a reasonably cute body if you’re going to forego what you can have with that? Nothing compares to being thought of as way attractive”.
Thoughtful and honest replies by Doper women. Two of the best threads I had the notion to start.
Whoah! Major thanks for the compliments burundi and featherlou. They’re very much appreciated 
.
I’d like to think it’s inevitable with the way I’ve been going about it, but not much has happened yet…so it gets worrisome. It’s good to go over a checklist on these type of things just to make sure everything is on order. Thanks for the positive thoughts.
That picture was taken at a family reunion/wedding in South Carolina, and was the first time I ever met my grandma from my Dad’s side of the family. The woman is in her eighties and volunteers to help out at her local retirement center when she’s at the age when she should be living there. She also bowls and has raised around 15 kids. Some energy, eh? She even got out there on the dance floor for a little while at the reception. Definitely one of my favorite pictures taken recently.
A long term relationship ending in marriage would be the goal. I don’t want to spend my time with anyone, I want to spend my time with someone that has the same kind of groove as myself and then to grow together. I’m not sure how feasible it is to maintain a relationship at my age given very few people, including myself, know what they want to do for their lifelong career. Personally, I’m thinking I want something that has me globe trotting for a couple years after I get a degree or two. Still, I believe if two people love each other they’ll do what is necessary to make it work. I have no doubt I can make the effort on my end, but I’m not sure how many people would want to make it on theirs.
And I’ve heard the argument that marriage isn’t natural, and that men and women weren’t made to stay in lifelong monogamous relationships, but really, that’s where my interests lie. I see people picking up and dropping off relationship after relationship because they’ve suddenly grown bored of the person they’re with…I’d really just rather grow old with a creative person who can work with me towards putting a spin on things whenever they start to go stale. Live like the goldfish that looks at the castle and is surprised each time.
…which is easy for me to say given my limited track record, I know. But that’s the idea.
There may be socially ineptness there. I’m working on stamping the life out of, but there still remains a bit. I usually don’t let it get in the way of me socializing though. If I happen to start stammering I just speak through it, admit I’m getting tongue tied, apologize, speak slower, move on, get to the punch line…
I don’t think I’m emitting an air of desperation. This whole thing with me seeking out companionship is pretty new for me. I’m single, and I’m looking, but I’m fine by myself as well. I don’t need someone to “complete me”, but I really have a strong desire to experience an intimate relationship. I’ve been single for 21 years, save for two months. I’m used to it. I have no problem being single for even longer than that, but if I am passing up opportunities, I want to know about it. That’s the purpose of this thread right here.
Thanks, dude. I’ll try and look through those two threads tomorrow.