I know you feel ancient, but you’re far from it. If you were in your mid-thirties, I’d say you need to look harder at yourself and how you conduct yourself. But you are a whopping 21. I’m with featherlou on this - you’ve barely had time to meet anyone sensible.
This is a good time in your life to get your own act together. Work on your career plans, figure out where you want to go in life. Broaden yourself - take up some hobbies, learn new things. Maybe even travel a bit. Women will come and you’ll likely fall for one or two and maybe crash and burn once or twice. It won’t be a tragedy. Learn to enjoy your own company and do not allow yourself to fall for the idea that you’ll never find someone just because you haven’t yet.
I promise you that when you are a few years farther along, you’ll be glad you didn’t hitch yourself to someone else too soon. Relax, live a bit. Get used to being an adult before you take up with another one. As my dear priest friend used to tell me ‘you have your whole life ahead of you’.
That’s the vibe I’m getting from you, Joe - you don’t seem desperate, you seem like a good guy, looking to settle down with a good woman. Unfortunately, women your age are looking for a good party and a good lay (and nothing wrong with that). I think you’re just a little ahead of your time. I was no way near ready to marry and settle down in my twenties; then one day in my thirties, I was, and then I started looking for a serious relationship. This is probably a good thing; you change so much in your twenties that I don’t know if the person who suited you at 21 would still suit you at 31.
Actually, thinking about it, you don’t seem desperate, but you might be throwing girls off with your long-term relationship vibe. Some guys have it, and it’s wonderful when you’re a woman looking to get married (my husband is like that; he wanted to get married as much as I did, but as I mentioned earlier, we met in our 30’s), but if the girls you date aren’t looking for the long-term commitment, that might be off-putting for them. Maybe you need to date with more of an air of “let’s just have fun for an indefinite period” rather than “are you my soulmate? cause I’m really looking for my soulmate.”
While physical attraction is only one part of it, it is an important part. And here’s how I see the difference between what attracts women and what attracts men physically:
If a woman tells you she likes tall, thin, blond cowboy types, and you introduce her to a guy who is none of those things (e.g., a short, dark-haired muscular Mediterranean) but is very attractive, she is liable to say, “He’s good-looking – but not my type”.
Whereas if a man tells you he likes tall thin blondes, and you introduce him to a woman who is none of those things (e.g., a short, dark-haired busty Mediterranean) but is very atractive, he will likely flip over her. Remind him that he said he liked tall thin blondes, and and he’ll reply, “Well, yeah, but… look at her!”
In short, women are attracted more to the “type” a man is , men to how attractive a woman is. (I’m a math/stats guy, and I liken it vectors: if a person’s attractiveness has both magnitude and direction, women are attracted to the direction, men to the magnitude).
Just my two cents’.
I was around your age when I figured this out, and it really changed my whole approach to dating. If a woman turned me down for a date, it didn’t mean I wasn’t attractive; more likely, it meant I wasn’t her type. And while some “types” attract a larger portion of women than others, even if a small percentage find your type attractive, there are plenty of them – you just have to find one.
a fair amount of bitterness hidden within this post given some recent experiences, but at our age, not a lot of people have matured. Even a difference of 9 months or a year or anything close to that and a vast majority of people just haven’t hit that age where they start to look around seriously. For that matter, most people our age (21 since the 17th) or even older are still in college mode; even the “relationships” they get in to are still for experimenting and getting to know themselves rather then settling down (of course I’ve been guilty of this too in the past) and that attitude judging by the kind of person you’re looking for isn’t what you’re after. You’re pretty much either gonna get lucky or SOL, but in the meantime have fun and if something develops by surprise, take it.
On that note, what do women want? Ask her. Not right away, but the best thing, the thing that maturity teaches, is that communication is the most essential aspect of any relationship. When you start seriously hanging out with somebody, or even if you go on a casual date, make an effort to make it specific to you. Not “I got you flowers” but “I got you flowers in your favorite color”, not “let’s go on a date to random place” but “hey, I remember you talking about specific place would you like to go there”. Be proactive in offering not a formulaic set of things, but a tailored set of things, that’s the key to making them feel loved. Know the rules of the games she plays and play them if you really like her. If you don’t like her rules, move on. As an aside, you’ll know somebody is immature if the rules you have to play by keep changing or she refuses to tell you and expects you to read her mind.
I think that applies to young women. Or maybe shallow ones. I thought I had a ‘type’ and my best bud definitely had a ‘type’ but we both encountered great guys who weren’t ‘type’ at all. After a while, you truly grok that the shell of the person doesn’t say much about its contents. And it’s what’s inside that matters.
I’m warm, compassionate, sexy, like Sci-Fi, computers and dogs. I read, have a great job and am too much fun on a date. I’m excellent in an emergency, charming and appropriate in most scenarios and what went on in Vegas, your mom doesn’t need to know. I’m smart, articulate and able to argue my point and able to tell when I shouldn’t or don’t have to.
Do you know how long it took me to get this glorious?
I appreciate the things you are seeking in a woman, but it took years for the selfishness, insecurities and laziness to burn off some and to embrace my inner GeekGirl and then learn how to do my makeup, hair and clothes to match the inner beauty and know it was okay to do that. Then I had to date a lot and kiss some frogs before discovering a doper.
I married Drachillix because his grandma loves him.
(Among other reasons—keep the picture of you and your grandma, though. And keep having a blast while keeping an eye out for your dopergirl.)
I just wanted to point this out and underline it. Contrary to what popular television and joke emails would have you believe, manipulative women like this are not the norm, and you don’t have to put up with them.
Focusing on my career and college education is exactly what I should be focusing on, but the whole dating, sex, and and romance thing is something I didn’t even touch upon during my teenage years, and now I’m really feeling the lack of experience. There was a lot of things I didn’t do in my teenage years, but everything else I’ve been able to catch up on. If only to get it off my mind, I want some experience under my belt. Also, it would be tragic to meet a good woman for me years from now but have no idea how to appeal to her interests due to complete inexperience. Matter of fact, I think that happens a lot now.
I said before that marriage is my ultimate goal, and it is, but I’m not counting on that happening until I’m around 25 or 27. I realize I’m going to crash and burn before I meet the right person. I’m developing a world view and a career just like everyone else; my life is hardly stable. I think the line about not wanting to date just anyone, but someone I can grow with is what’s giving off the impression that I would be against a casual date.
But to be honest, I am turned off when I meet someone who appears to be unable to retain a long term relationship. And…that’s a problem now that you bring it up. I have “long term” on the brain every step of the way. I’m really not against partying. I just had one of those over here two days ago, and I’m usually the guy suggesting we go to the pool at 3am, play with the potato cannon, or grab a football and fool around with it behind whatever apartment building we’re at. I’m definitely not against wanton (safe) sex. I don’t have any experience there either, but from multiple conversations I’ve gathered that I can be more open minded sexually than seasoned players such as my coworkers.
There’s a bit of confusion about girls my age just looking for a good lay and party. Something around 9/10 girls I’ve met here are in relationships, and I’m constantly seeing these things fall apart due to gross mismanagement to the dismay of both parties. From the outside looking in, it always looks like each person needs a drastic attitude adjustment before they should try hooking up again, but before you can snap your fingers they’re in their rebound relationship. The whole mental disposition of these people goes somewhere between annoying me and amusing me. I don’t see how they get by without having the “desperate” label attached to them. And that, from the outside looking in, is where I’m turned off. Not the total lack of independence, but the inability or unwilling attitude to take a step back and try and study what happened before it happens again. I see a lot of people expecting a good relationship to simply happen rather than to try and create one.
I’d be down for a relationship with no strings attached, but I’m not sure I could be interested in a relationship if I thought it was going to fall to pieces because of drama. I can find it entertaining in other people’s lives, but I don’t typically inject it into my own. I mean, if someone loses interest in me, thinks I’m wasting my life with my interests, begins to find my habits obnoxious…well it would suck but I’d take it like a man. Somehow having a falling out over power struggles within a relationship or because one or both people play games is too much for me to think about when considering a partner.
It sounds like I’m rambling again, but I’m going to have all of this come to a head in the form of this question: You’ve said that women my age aren’t sensible. Do they know that they’re really looking for a good lay and a good party? And if they do, how do I find the women just looking for a fun time?
I know the secrets of the tailored date. Take EVERYTHING into consideration. Her favorite foods, sense of humor, job, pet peeves, interests, style, and anything else there might be. If her favorite bands are Sublime and Red Hot Chili Peppers and she sports a tan, take her out to the sand with a blow up mattress instead of a couple of towels and don’t forget the stakes and rope to secure it against the wind. Maybe bring a camera for the sunset and snap a few pictures together. For dinner, ride over the the Mexican restaurant with the live Mariachi band. Extra points if she enjoys campy humor and the decor on the walls of the restaurant are atrocious.
These skills serve you well as a Secret Santa too.
I’ve learned to stop asking myself if women like me. If they ask you out, they do. If they don’t, eh, not so much.
When to ask them out is still a source of confusion. I’m well past my days when I wondered if a girl like me after she asks me out, or when she shows to to work with red hair the day after I mention how much I love redheads.
Mmmhmm .
And until the end of time. I’m one of those naive types that thinks everything can be understood and broken down.
Chyeah, learned that lesson there the hard way. For those that don’t know better: Watch out for those that benefit in ANY way from ambiguity. If someone makes you feel weird about being direct, forget about them. There is a type of person out there that strives to receive as much attention as possible while giving out as little as they can. If a person treats their love as though it were money, they’re not worth it. If someone likes you, they will either be direct themselves or make you feel comfortable about being direct. If they can’t manage either, the attraction’s not strong enough to concern yourself with.
Well, that’s a really good question. It is entirely possible that they don’t even know it themselves; I’m looking at it from the perspective of looking back at my twenties and realizing that while I thought I was looking for a long-term, serious relationship, I wasn’t ready for one and probably couldn’t have handled it if I had found one. The thing about life experiences is you don’t know at the time which ones are the ones that will make you ready for the really good stuff later on. For example, not finding a long-term relationship during my twenties meant I was available to meet my husband in my thirties. I didn’t think that was much of a good thing at the time, but it turns out it was. I have no problem being alone, and I think I bring a lot more to the table than if I had spent every day of my life with someone else and never really got to know myself.
Bottom line - don’t take it too seriously or try too hard to force something to happen. From my perspective looking back, it’s easy to say this, but I also know how hard that advice is to take. Patience, young grasshopper.
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