Ok, here’s my handy dandy tips for picking up great girls:
First, do the things you’re interested in doing, and speak to the girls who are interested in those things as well. Notice I just said speak. Just open wide and let it out. It’s a good idea to discuss the interest itself before you discuss you. This helps to ensure that you have something in common with them, and gives you a chance to see what else you have in common.
Second, and this is the important part. Be nice to the ladies, and the ladies will be nice to you. That’s the rule for getting a girl in your life, and the rule for keeping one. Now get out there, and good luck!
Calc, you’re missing the obvious – next time you feel inclined to try out this ‘girlfriend’ thing, sit where you’re sitting and write up a personal ad and meet someone via internet. Have long conversations via email and instant message before you meet in person. Find a nice geek girl and don’t worry about picking people up in public spaces. (I’m not wired to do it either).
Me, I’m in my late 30’s single, and always have been, I was the class freak and geek rolled into one and none of the boys at school would go near me - except to hurl insults. My mother has made it blatantly obvious by [actions rather than words] that I was not a wanted baby and having me ruined her life big time. I grew up believing that I was ugly and unloveable, then I made friends outside of school/family and started to realise [very slowly] that perhaps I’m not as ugly or unloveable as I’d been led to believe, then I met a man whom I fell head over heels in love with and I was under the impression the feeling was mutual, turns out it wasn’t, he was actually horrified at the idea that I felt anything for him, and draged the situation out till he was able to publicly and nastily humiliate me for having the audacity to like him. It took me years to get over it, and when I had found my feet again, whadaya know I meet another guy who I fall in love with, and was given the impression he felt the same, only to find he was using me to make his girlfriend jealous …
So you see the moral of the story is there are people in life who keep getting knocked down, my advice? Stay down, for f*ck’s sakes
Shoot lower. I’m not kidding. There are plenty of nice people out there who would love to be your girlfriend, but if you put careers and intelligence too high on the list, you’re never going to meet them. Now, I’m not saying to date a girl who drags her knuckles, but if she’s not quite as educated as you, so what? And you don’t have to match up backgrounds either. So what if she lived in a trailer park? You’re looking for a partner…not real estate. There’s someone (even a lot of someones) for everyone. Oh. And my experience tells me that quiet guys usually end up with outgoing girls.
Here’s a few suggestions from someone of a … well, a different generation:
–join a group or organization that you’re interested in. This can be tennis, role-playing games, singing, volunteering at a soup kitchen. If it’s something that you’re interested in, the people you meet there will likely share your interest, at least in that. Join several, if you can; diversify.
–try to be more relaxed; that is, don’t focus on trying to “pick up” girls or get dates… just make friends at first. But approach it from a friendship stance. In my experience, some of the strongest romantic relationships develop from a strong friend bond. I realize that is contrary to what some others have said, however you need to simply be looking for friends rather than romance.
I do think you’re -way- too young to throw in the towel, though. Try to follow through on the suggestions made in your thread, and (most importantly, I think), try to be more relaxed; it will make you feel more at ease. Sometimes in the romance department the harder you try to find it the more elusive it seems. If that makes any sense!
One other thing to point out – many of these suggestions involve getting out and doing things, rather than interacting through the computer. While I’ve made some good friends over the internet, I’ve also found that it can at times be very difficult to tell things when you haven’t actually met someone (although it does make it easier, sometimes, if you’re ill at ease in face to face situations).
^^ Sorry to hear you’ve had a rough time of it Lobelia
Calculus, you’re not the first person in the world to be 24 and never dated so don’t worry about it. If you really do want a girlfriend though, you are going to have to put in a bit of effort and be brave enough to attempt some stuff that you might normally shy away from. If you don’t, you might find yourself sitting in your apartment in 10 years time saying the same thing
If you’ve never dated before, there’s every chance that you will experience a few awkward moments like everybody does, but look on the positive side, because you’re 24 you’ll probably have the intellectual maturity to deal with it better than the average 15 or 16 year old.
As for how you should go about it, I agree with AHunter3 on this one. Considering the impression I get of you from your posts, don’t waste your time trying to meet people in public places as it will be too stressful for you and you probably wont meet the sort of women that will be suitable for you. Do it directly via your keyboard. It will be much easier for you to get to know someone that way. You can do it at a pace you feel comfortable with.
And be honest about yourself on-line…you don’t have to come out and say that you’ve never had a girlfriend when you first talk to them, but if you’re a bit of a geek, tell them you’re a geek! The geek women will love it!
I’ll third that, Kalhoun. I’m not particularly outgoing, but I can talk to anyone at any time, and Dread Pirate Jimbo (aka my husband) clams up completely whenever he gets around more than two people and/or women. When we met, we just started talking because we have so much in common, and we haven’t stopped yet. I am actually grateful that he is as shy as he is, because if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have still been single and available for me when we met - someone woulda snapped him up long ago.
My best advice to you that you probably won’t take, Calc, is give it time and quit obsessing about it. 24 is not very old to be inexperienced. I have found (from my grand perspective of 37) that I’m getting much more comfortable with myself and other people as I get older, and it shows in my confidence levels and happiness. Try to focus on making a good life for yourself, and a good woman will fit into that someday if it’s meant to be. If not, you still end up a good life.
Oh yeah, I meant to mention that DPJ and I met over the internet. Works for us! (We have a competition to see which of us is geekier - Jim has taken a narrow lead with his collection of Star Wars figurines.)
Whatever you do, do NOT get into a relationship just for the sake of being able to say you’ve been in a relationship. That road leads to hell on earth.
I had exactly one boyfriend in high school, which didn’t last long. I didn’t have another date until just shy of my 26th birthday. Broke up with him nastily in December, but I’ve met another guy I’m definitely interested in. It’s long-distance, so I have no idea what might happen there.
I wasn’t looking when I met either guy. Especially guy number one. Number two – well, it’d been just long enough I wasn’t completely put off by the possibility, but it was a surprise nonetheless.
And take Fretful Porpentine’s advice. Relationships are not the be-all and end-all of existence. I have a great-aunt who never married and is happy as a clam. Me, I WANT to marry, but we’ll see if it ever happens.
First, Calc, I commend you for taking the first step: Recognizing the problem, defining it, and actively seeking assistance.
I have three quick suggestions for you, Calc, and they’re all doable.
Post your picture in the Me (post your photos here) thread. This will give you some practice in letting people see who you are.
Practice talking with people, guys and girls alike. SDMB discussions are a good start, then you can expand this to include talking with people face to face. By doing this you will gradually become more comfortable being with people. I’m working on this point myself, so I can relate to you all too well.
Take two of your interests that you enjoy AND that involve interacting with other people IRL – one interest you are good in, and one you want to be better in. Go out and do them. This will help your self image, as you’ll be doing things you like to do, and you’ll be improving your ability in one. Again, I can relate to this, as I have one interest I’ve been working with for a year, and my present objective is to develop a second interest.
I thought I might chime in…I was very introverted and shy for the first 27 years of my life. I used to get in a panic at the thought of even being in a crowded room.
Truthfully, I still get nervous, and my hands sweat and I stutter sometimes, but I’ve learned to ignore it. It took some work…and a lot of control over negative thoughts I had about myself. I still get the thoughts of “these people are laughing at you” or “these people are really don’t want you here, they’re just being polite”, but I’ve learned to say “fuck off” to those thoughts and get on with it. Imagine my surprise when I find out that people actually like me, and think I’m funny and pretty and smart and all that.
It was hard work though…but I’m glad I did it. Even though I feel like I’m still an introvert at heart in that I really like to cuddle down with a book by myself, or work in the garden by myself, I can have a good time at a bar or a party now.
I would reiterate what others said with one more added point…
You say you don’t want a girlfriend you just want the experience. Well the girl you find probably wants a boyfriend. As much as I sympathize with your position I do not suggest playing with another person’s emotions to combat your insecurity.
Sure you have to overcome a lot of fear, anxiety, and of course the vulnerability factor but that is your problem not hers. Having or not having a girlfriend will not be the answer.
You have acknowledged the problem well and people have given you some great advice so take it and run. You will find when you start to fix that part of yourself everything else falls into place.
Well, then sprout wings and come get me, Snooop- cause I am on the other coast.
See, Calc? Flirting. Just banter between the opposite sexes. It’s just play- not really hard math.
My last resort/suggestion sounds a little more lame than it really is- but… here goes.
I am a willing wingman. Wingwoman. Whatever. A few of my shy guy friends may want to meet a certain lovely but lack the nerve to approach her- so they ask me to tag along. They might hold my hand, flirt with me in front of her, or if guy is too shy, I will lead the conversation- if said lovely seems interested, the next flight is solo.
Guy gets girl with less sweating and stuttering, girl is at ease with nice, approachable man who hangs out with cute girl, and I get free pizza and beer for my services. Everybody wins.
someone mentioned the friend zone. i swear. one.more.girl enters that zone, i’m gonna go ballistic… the problem around here is that all my female friends use me as a shoulder for their problems, but i’m always ‘such a great guy’ or some such crap. i wish they’d just cut the crap and tell me how ugly i am and how annoying they find me and just get it over and done with. being single sucks, and trying to get a girl and keep her out of the dangerous, high gravity ‘friend zone’ is not something i’ve ever done, nor something i will ever be able to…
I am a long-term loner. However, I’ve come out of my shell on several occasions. In fact, I’m out of it at this moment. Here is a little advice:
self-esteem comes from you and know one else
find friends you LIKE and trust, they will help
dating is tough for everyone so don’t put so much pressure on yourself
be a gentleman always
if you can be a jock, or rich, or super attractive find your own strengths (trust me you have them) and use them to your advantage
women love power
finally my best piece of advice: I’m really ugly and I’ve dated some very attractive women (I like being the ugly one in the relationship), so don’t underestimate yourself
i shoot pretty damn low as it is. after years of watching documentaries and reading books/articles about why people find each other attractive caring about looks loses its luster. it goes down a bit in priority when you understand the basis of it and how non-applicable it is in today’s world. as far as looks, as long as i’m not repulsed and she resembles a woman from a distance i dont think i care too much. I dont really care too much about money or education either.
My personality requirements are being down to earth, approachable, having a relatable personality and being intellectual enough to not get caught in the moment. As far as i can tell.
This helps to ensure that you have something in common with them, and gives you a chance to see what else you have in common.
