I hate being attracted to women

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This sucks. is it normal to not go a day without seeing a woman you’d like to go on a date with or is it just me? Do women do that, see tons of guys they find attractive or would like to date or is it just men.

I am sick of this shite. Nothing good can come from it, its like starving in a desert. Its not going to help anything or get you what you want.

I wish i knew how to give up on women. I just don’t have the options open to me. This isn’t a ‘feel sorry for me post’ (but feel free if you want), its more an exasperation post. Why can’t i just accept my limitations and accept that this aspect of my life doesn’t work. Has anyone else successfully done this?

As some of you know my dating history is a lil’ barren. I feel like i missed alot of the events that build up a foundation and ability to interact. Never had a first kiss, no ‘real’ dates, no juvenile flirting, no groping, etc. I am like someone who never went to grade school finding himself in college and being expected to function. Don’t get me wrong my social skills are fine (i think), but i have no experience. And i don’t know how to get any. I guess if i really, really, really wanted to i could break down and pay the $20 a month to join match.com, write a good form letter and send it to everything with opposable sex organs and a working circulatory system within a 50 mile radius. I assume about 5% that i write to will write back and 1% will meet me in person. Not great odds, but if you do that 1200 times then maybe someone can find a girlfriend. But I don’t do that for some reason.

But overall i’m just tired of thinking about this. From what i’ve seen of others in relationships or dating its not that great. Its an unreliable minefield filled with unrequited affection, break-ups, co-dependency, back stabbing, awkwardness, etc. I mean I know people who have no trouble meeting people or finding dates and who have a full past but they can’t find a good one. What chance do i have then? Thats like saying if scientists in the US with billion dollar grants and Ph.D.s can’t figure out how to cure Alzheimers, what chance does an understaffed backwoods lab in Togo have (i hope nobody is from Togo)?

I realize life doesn’t revolve around me. Nothing is perfect in this life, but more than anything i want to just quit. I’m tired of fighting for this crap. If something falls into my lap i’ll look into it but i want to just put this part of my life in the background. But i’m not sure how. In a way thats like putting eating in the background, its central to the survival of the species. How do you just forget something that important w/o drugs (ie estrogen drugs, which i probably wont take) or really intense meditation?

2

Sounds like somebody needs a hobby. Why not just spend some time on yourself for a while- take a class, work out, read the classics, whatever you’re into. Yes, it’s a biological imperative to couple up, but lots of people have been able to put it aside for a while to work on other things. You obviously have a negative attitude towards relationships, and you wouldn’t be doing yourself or any women you date any favors if you get into one.
It also sounds like maybe you’re experiencing a bit of depression. You might want to look at that.

3

Oh, man…you’re in Bloomington too.

My advice: Move to a non-college town. More hot women per-capita in college towns. Especially in Bloomington (IMO).

Either that, or join the swing dancing club there. No kidding. I was in it for a semester a couple years ago. It’s mostly students, but it’s open to everyone. There’s always a favorable ratio of females to males.

4

I can’t speak for all women, but for me; yes. As far as I’m concerned the world if full of attractive guys, and when I was single I asked from some of them out. These days I get to ask them and their so’s over to dinner, which is fun too.
I wish I cold help you, or reassure you you’ll meet someone someday. But with a thread like this you’ll probably get lot of advice on how to meet woman, and perhaps there will be a piece or two you can stomach following.

5

Hey, Wesley. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. :frowning:

I’m just curious, what do you mean by this exactly? Do you feel like you’re trapped in the situation you’re in, and if so why? (Love trouble is depressing, believe me, I know) It sounds like you don’t have a lot of experience, and probably are kinda shy, and maybe have some bad luck thrown in. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t dateable or desirable. Also, how old are you? If you are extremely young, it doesn’t help the situation… if that’s the case, age (thankfully) brings relief, at least in my case it did!! :slight_smile:

6

It just means i don’t think i have options open to me to meet people who like me back. Hence my comment about sending out 1200 form letters on match.com. Meeting strangers on the street (which i have done) has maybe a 5% success rate and is demeaning as hell. match.com has a 1% success rate. I don’t have a huge social network to set me up. Women don’t fall into my lap like they seem to with other people. All the venues seem closed or unproductive.

HAHA, your take is head on. I’m shy, with virtually no experience and some really, really bad luck. I’m 25 right now. And that is a factor too, i dont want to date anyone under 20 if possible, and its a college town.

7

What is swing dancing? I’ll look into it.

8

Dancing to swing music. Popular in the 40s and 50s. Resurgence in the early-mid 90s.

http://www.indiana.edu/~iuswing/

9

From a woman’s perspective, yes, I look at guys everyday and think that they are attractive. It’s definitely an everyday occurence because I stay busy and my hang-out is Starbucks so I meet someone new quite often.

I have to say that a major thing I look for in a guy is confidence, not an egotistical jerk, but someone with a strong sense of self. I’m not saying that you don’t have confidence, but from experience with other people that say the same thing you said to start the thread, you lack a little in the confidence/self-esteem area. Everyone struggles with it. I struggle from time to time with it, mostly when there is a dry spell in the love department (like the last 4 months!). I just keep reminding myself that it is better to wait for a good one than to settle for just anything with three legs :wink:

10

Want to know something that might lessen how badly you feel about your situation?

I had never been on a date. Ever. Until I met my wife - and then I was 37.

Going by what I witnessed in other peoples’ relationships, and the women I met or came into contact with since high school, I was just not willing to put a lot of time and effort into a relationship with somebody who was going to turn out to be a psycho bitch. Ever see two people together and ask yourself why they’re torturing themselves (or why one of them is)? I saw that enough times for it to scare the crap out of me.

I don’t mind telling you now, because it’s water under the bridge, but I was a virgin until 19, and I had sex two more times with two other women up to the age of 21. The first was almost a relationship, the other two weren’t. The second was a Penthouse Forum experience, the third was a psycho bitch who followed me 200 miles to the small town where I got a job in the field where she wanted a job. She thought if she slept with me, I’d get her a job. Wrong! I was naive, not stupid. After that, I was celibate and dateless for 16 years in a row, partly by choice, partly by chance. How’s that for a dry spell?

At 37, my wife just happened to me out of the clear blue. It was the right woman with the right stuff at the right time, and considering how it may never have happened again, I grabbed that brass ring for all I was worth. We married when I was 39, and are very happy together. We plan to stay that way. If not for that happening, I’d be a slightly scary, middle-aged man, losing his marbles for lack of female companionship. On the other hand, I don’t have any emotional scars from relationships that went bad, or any illegitimate children wandering around the planet.

So I really don’t have any advice to give you about where or how to meet women and hook up with them. I just thought that maybe if you read somebody else’s story, you might not feel so hopeless about your prospects. Whatever you do to further your potential, it might hurt, but it might also help.

11

Yeah i know all about confidence. i know a reasonable amount about female psychology, i decided to look into the subject a while ago.

I don’t know if you’re right though about me lacking confidence or disliking myself or being terrified of rejection or women (which is what alot of people assume lacking confidence is). I have a very strong sense of self. I just do not think i have alot of options open to me and i’m tired of wanting something i do not know how to get and then when i do get it i will discover its not that great to begin with. It just seems like everyone else falls into dates while i sit here with slim pickins. And i dont know how to change it. All the pathways are very unproductive (friends, internet, meeting strangers) and sometimes very demeaning and i’m tired of wasting time on this.

12

I didn’t mean for my last post to sound condescending, when i reread it it sounded that way.

what i meant was i have met guys who lack self confidence. I do not think i act like them. I just do not have dignified, productive options to date or mingle. I do feel like women don’t desire me though, and that bothers the hell out of me. If that equates into lacking confidence then yeah i assume i do lack it. It just sucks to feel this way and two of the main methods of meeting women reinforce this feeling that you aren’t wanted (meeting strangers and the internet) due to teh astronaumically high failure rate, and the fact that most women online wont even take the time to write back saying ‘no thanks’. Logically it doesn’t make sense offhand i can think of at least 6 women who were openly attracted to me (not alot, but im sure there were others who felt that way but kept it secret) but i still feel this way and always have.

13

Wesley, women are just people. If you get involved in activities outside of work that interest you, the chances are good you will meet some. You can even choose activities specifically meant to meet women, but make sure they are things that you can actually be sincerely interested in yourself.

If you look to meet friends, some of them will likely be single women. Others will be men or members of couples who know single women. It seems very low tech, but I suspect that even these days, many people meet the people they end up dating through their friends and even family.

I’ve noticed that a lot of men on this board seem to require a woman to practically be wearing a sandwich board sign saying “I want to date X” before they will ask her out. If you wait for that, there’s a good chance that it will never happen. On the other hand, if you recognize that the occasional turn-down isn’t going to kill you, I suspect that more women than not will accept an invitation to go out, assuming they do not already have commitments elsewhere.

14

This is where I think some of your problem lies. Keep in mind this isn’t the 18th century anymore. You don’t need a proper introduction from a common friend or family member to meet someone. There’s nothing wrong with going up to a woman and introducing yourself and saying “Hey! what’s up” Just don’t try any cheesy lines though, be yourself.

I’m still gonna have to say your confidence needs a little tweeking. Your attitude needs a difinate adjustment. But maybe your main thing is you need to be a llittle more agressive in your persuits.

15

You wrote –
i do not know how to get and then when i do get it i will discover its not that great to begin with.

What SHAKES and **AvhHines ** said.

And I think you should drop the expectations, both good and bad. A date doesn’t mean a lifetime commitment from either person. It just means going out, having a nice time and getting to know someone. If it works, go on a second date. If it doesn’t, go out with someone else.

16

I’m in the same boat as you. I’m nearly 20 years old, and I’m still waiting to pass the same milestones with dating that most people reached in their early to mid teen years.

I feel your pain.

17

Would it help if I wore the sign when I was around her? :smiley:

18

Hey, wuzzn’t you CalculusOfLogic?

Don’t look for much advice from me. 24 Virgin. Maybe had 5 girls in my life either I was interested in or interested in me. Never dated any of them. Take every shot you have in college…it don’t get any better than now :frowning:

19

I thought you were gonna say you wish you were gay. Because I remember a time that thought crossed my mind because it just seemed like my gay friends seemed to get laid more often (and with very little effort).
But anyway, so far I think you’ve gotten a lot of great advice. It’s almost a cliche to say this, but it’s not simply because it’s the truth: Women like CONFIDENCE. And that means enough confidence to simply walk up to an attractive stranger and start a conversation. Or try to. Depending on your luck. If you fail, eh, who cares?

Also, like it was mentioned by other posters, you cannot sit there and expect things to fall into your lap. Though it has gotten better in recent years, society still expects men to make the first move. Unless you’re talking about a very confident woman, women will not ask you out, even if they find you very attractive.

Or maybe you’re standards are too high. You mentioned something about “slim pickings,” which means you do have options. No one gets the girl they want all the time.

20

LMAO. Why does everyone assume i lack confidence? What is confidence exactly then? I am capable of approaching women and carrying on a normal conversation then asking for a date, i just find it demeaning and i hate worrying about whether i’m being laughed at behind my back for doing it (i dont know if that constitutes a lack of confidence. maybe). And like i said of about 20 women you approach you’ll probably get a date with 1-2. Not worth it. Internet dating is the same, maybe 1 out of 50-100 will go somewhere. Not worth it.

I am somewhat wary of asking people out that i know for fear of how they’ll react. How does someone constructively handle that kind of situation and still maintain a friendship? I don’t want to end up in the same situation Ale is in and find my friends running away because they aren’t mature enough.

And my standards are low as hell. As i look around i’m open to 60-80% of the women in my age bracket. I may only find 30% attractive but i’m open to another 45ish%.

Also can someone tell me what parts of my attitude need adjusting. And tell me why i lack confidence. I realize i have a pessimistic attitude on this subject, but what attitude is a ‘good’ attitude? I dont know if i’ll adopt it but i still want to hear it.

fishbicycle- See, thats what i want to hear. I want to hear that its ok to not date. I guess im just used to being indoctrinated with this idea that the opposite sex being all over you is necessary to be a complete human being (popular culture is laced with this mentality). I want to hear that i can make it into my 40s and not really date and still be a respectable, normal person.