The Friday Night and Feeling Like Shit Thread.

If Quasimodal doesn’t want to start one tonight, I will.

I’ve been feeling like shit for some time; lonely, everything personal (and professional, for that matter) feels like I’m spinning my wheels, so to speak. I’ve been on a few dating sites, some for years. I send out messages to women who seem interesting, and who might be looking for someone like me. Every once in a blue moon I get a reply.

Which happened about a week ago. She seemed really nice, had an oddball sense of humor in her profile. We traded a couple messages a day and had a lot of the same interests. We made plans to meet yesterday and see a museum exhibit I suggested, and then lunch. I was really looking forward to it.

And it was better than I’d hoped, even. I had a great time with her, the exhibit was fantastic. And the restaurant was good; lots of science-fiction memorabilia (one of her interests) and damn good pizza, too. I said I wanted to see her again and we talked about places we might go together.

Today she sent me a message that said she wasn’t interested but didn’t want to tell me in person.

I don’t know, maybe I should thank her. I was gonna be disappointed whenever she told me. This way I got to be happy for a few hours. Totally unjustified, as it turns out. Can’t hope for much more than that on my birthday.

Hey, it’s her loss! Rejection sucks – for both the rejector and the rejectee actually, but it’s just part of the process. Good for you for keeping at it. Also, happy birthday!

If it happens a few times, it’s a process. More than that is a pattern. I’m beyond pattern and all the way to a curse.

But thanks.

That sort of mindset actually makes you less attractive. We all have our issues, but you have to suck it up, put your best qualities forward, and believe you are worth it.

I was talking to an ex once, and started going into some sort of self-pitying rhetoric. I honestly don’t even remember exactly what I was saying, just that it had that sort of tone to it. She slapped me in the face and said, “Stop being a cunt.”

I honestly loved that moment. Her extreme bluntness really gave me a wake-up call on my perspective in a way that a less blunt approach probably wouldn’t have. It was refreshing.

(she and I had other issues, but I always liked and respected her for that)

What awesome restaurant is this? I like most places with pizza but sci-fi memorabilia too?? Around here all we have is sports memorabilia. Except the one place has an impressive collection of plastic Christmas lawn ornaments.

I’m a lady with an oddball sense of humor and I want to go on that date!

I cannot solve your dating problems, alas. Maybe dating websites aren’t your ticket. Maybe a Meetup group with shared interests would be better. My two closest groups of friends were spawned from a writer’s group and a D&D group, respectively. They also have singles groups.

I’m not single, but I can relate to feeling like shit on Friday night. I have a really objectively easy life, part time work so I have time to write fiction, no kids, and I am constantly overwhelmed. It’s always some medical or emotional bullshit on top of a long list of to-dos. I’m going through a really effective but intense therapy that disrupts my sleep and I want it to be over but it’s gonna be a while. My mind goes to dark places in the meantime. I’m sitting here thinking about sex slavery and the holocaust and every horrible thing about humanity on top of a growing sense of doom about my job. I’m sick this week and fell behind at work. It feels like I’m sick all the time with my laundry list of mental and physical illnesses. It feels like I’m always behind.

As far as I can tell, the only thing wrong with my life is me.

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I really thought that’s what I was putting forward yesterday. And I still do.

I wouldn’t say it’s a large collection, but it makes up for it in sincerity; plastic models hanging from the ceiling, a life-size Borg statue, the door to the bathroom is labeled “escape pods” in a Star Wars font.

Flying Saucer Pizza Company. http://livelongandpizza.com/

Omg, that’s amazing.

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Sounds like a lovely date you planned. Sorry she said that, but at least she was honest enough to tell you straight up she wasn’t interested.

I know this may be considered poor form, but you may want to reply to her and ask why she isn’t interested. It could be something correctable (like poor clothing choice, you smelled bad, etc.) that you could learn from and address. Even if it’s a personality issue, it never hurts to hear the flaws that need some work.

If you felt like you were genuinely yourself on the date, and the chemistry just wasn’t there, then you just have to accept that it wasn’t meant to be. We’ve all been there before, my friend. Dating is like a muscle - the more you work it the stronger you get at it. Also, this sort of stuff happens all the time when you meet someone online. I’ve been on so many of those “feel-each-other-out” first dates that they all sort of blur together into an ugly memory that can be soul-sucking to dwell on. More often than not, people dating online don’t really know what they are looking for, other than some ill-begotten illusion of the perfect mate who almost certainly exists solely in their mind.

Good luck, brother. You’re not the only one watching old Youtube videos of William F. Buckley debating Christopher Hitchens on a Friday night.

I’ve thought of that. Does anyone ever tell the truth about things like that?

Really? It seems like the more I try this the more it just grinds me down into the dirt.

Is the moon in a weird phase? I’ve also been up at night having all kinds of “roads not taken” meltdowns and stuff.

Robot Arm, I’m there with you. I’m confident and reasonably attractive (I don’t frighten children, even if I’m not wearing makeup). I’m funny. I’m smart. I have a good job. I have hobbies I enjoy. I bathe. Still get a “thanks, but no thanks” or “you’re really great, so cool, buuuuttttt…” all the time, then the guy goes on to date some basic chick who (sorry, ego here) is kind of plain and average. It does wear on the heart.

My curse wins (I say, half-jokingly). My last relationship ended when my fiance’ died of a heart attack in his sleep. He was 45. No one dies of a heart attack when they’re 45. Well, unless they are a doctor who has type 1 diabetes and is the worst patient ever. (Yes, I told him that.)

So anyway, three years of feeling physically ill at the idea of dating anyone else pass. I start dating again.

And I realize that it’s really hard to find “your person” when you’re in your mid-40s. I’ve had maybe…three? Three “my person” finds in thirty years of dating. One in college (the one who got away), one in my early 30s (the one who saved my sanity), one in my late 30s (who was supposed to be my forever person). And by “your person”, I mean the one who gets your weird sense of humor, the one who has your back, no matter what. The one who handles your quirks with grace, and whose quirks you handle with grace. The one who tells you that you’re beautiful when you’ve got a migraine and are hoping for a quick death. The one who you can bicker with without fighting. The one who you can just be with, each doing a hobby or reading. The one who you won’t kill if they come into the kitchen while you’re cooking. The one who has a hobby or passion that they spend time on, not just being a passive watcher in life (to me, that is sexy, YMMV).

Yeah. Hard to find. Not easy when you are 20, really hard over 40.

I often wonder if I’ve had my limit of great matches for this lifetime. But then I see my dear friend and his new wife, both over age 50, and I have hope.
Dating as a grownup is a numbers game, and we puny humans are not on the side of the numbers.

That date at a pizzeria with sci-fi memorabilia would get points from me for originality, even if I didn’t enjoy some sci-fi. I think it’s light, fun, and amusing, and gives you something to talk about. (I could yammer on about 10th-Doctor Doctor Who for hours). You just didn’t go there with the right person.
Keep going. It beats being alone at 75 and wondering what if you’d tried harder, just a few more times.

I’ll keep those YouTube videos in mind for the next time I can’t sleep and all kinds of horrible thoughts (like Spice Weasel) are rattling around my head and won’t leave. Wish I had thought to look for something like that a few nights ago when I was having a weird meltdown about the One Who Got Away. (Jesus, Rabbit, it’s been 20 years. Let it go!) Some incisive logic and Brit snootery got me through last night (Dawkins on Bill Maher), followed by some giggles. And an Ativan.

Ye gods.

Thank you. I’ll be in town in September and I must see this thing.

GBunny, my condolences on losing your fiancé that way. Even when it seems like everything is working it can all come undone in a night. And yet we can’t stop searching for it, either. I hope you find your fourth.

Oh, let’s not turn it into a competition.

Salem becomes something of a madhouse leading up to Halloween. I would think September would be free of the worst of it, but I can’t say for sure.

Sorry. I can sympathize. I got the text of thanks but no thanks myself recently and that was after two dates that I thought went well.

It’s okay to be sad a bit. It’s a sucky thing to happen. But because you weren’t right for her doesn’t mean you aren’t right for anyone. And you had a fun time out. Look at it just as that. You had a fun time out and now you get to have a fun time out with someone else.

Good luck!

ETA: Good Luck to you too Grumpy Bunny. Yes dating in your 40s definitely has challenges you didn’t consider in your 20s and 30s.

If it was just once, or once-in-a-while, it would be a lot easier to take. This was the “someone else” I looked forward after the one before, and the one before that. I appreciate the thought, I really do, but at some point it doesn’t feel like a bump in the road anymore.

Sorry about the lousy date, RA. But do not do this:

That is stalkerish. No matter how you do it, it’s going to sound like you’re trying to convince her that she really should want to go out with you again. She signed up to go on one date with you, not to be your therapist, so don’t dump that on her.

Send her a text back, tell her you enjoyed the date, are sorry things didn’t work out the same for her, and thank her for being honest. Nothing more than that. Don’t expect a reply. If, by some chance, she gets back to you that will be great. But don’t expect it.

Move on, and don’t give up. I don’t believe in the idea that we all have our soulmates out there somewhere just waiting to be found, but there are 7B people in the world, so the odds are pretty good that there is someone out there, somewhere, for you. Take care of yourself, be open to meeting people, and keep putting yourself out there. It’s not personal, it’s just not the right match. Yet.

I did that before I even started this thread.

Then you are better at this than you give yourself credit for.

Go easy on yourself. It’ll happen for you, RA. But only if you don’t become completely despondent and stop trying.

Rub some dirt in this one. Walk it off. Get back in the game when you feel you’re ready.

Let me know if you run out of trite motivational platitudes. :wink:

Better than salt, I suppose.

Just seems like I’m missing something more than that. All the motivation in the world doesn’t always fix something.