Me being alone.

I don’t know who to go to about this problem, (that I hadn’t already gone to in the past). It’s a problem I’ve embarrassingly dealt with too many times, and though I WOULD NEVER DO IT, it’s a problem that’s had (and has) me day-dreaming about taking my life, and how I would go about doing it. I know there are a lot of “boo-hoo” stories that pop up here, and I really don’t want to be ‘that guy’. I know there are a lot of things in my life that I should be more than grateful for. Perhaps I’m spoiled for letting this kill me inside.

I’m a 28 year old male, who opens the door for everyone. If someone’s feeling down, I feel responsible to at least try to make them feel better. I’m charitable. I REALLY care about other people.

And I’m alone. I’m a virgin, (sometimes by choice, but mostly due to lack of opportunity). I don’t know if I can take being alone anymore. I feel like a ticking-time-bomb of insanity, and self loathing. On top of this, I feel guilty that I sometime don’t find a lot of the women eligible to me attractive.

Though I’m honest, and would be very conscious of how much I would be putting into a relationship, I’m MORE THAN conscious of my bad qualities. I’m live in a subsidized apartment complex because I only work part time. I don’t go to school. I don’t have any big plans for the future… the meds I take for depression, anxiety, and ADD is like a three-course breakfast. I’m also dyslexic. The lack of work and school is primarily due to my internal issues. Basically I’m pretty much a loser.

But every now and then my confidence rises to great heights, take for example this girl at work. Calls me “Scotty-Hottie” all the time. I also expressed to her that she herself was very attractive. After MONTHS, labeling each other hot, she says: “Scott, we need to find you a girlfriend”. I told her I would gladly go out with her, AS FRIENDS, and see where it may go if she and I were interested. I did this on New Years Eve. I felt like I had to try. She seemed ALL FOR IT. I could have sworn I had her pegged. I never let her in on JUST how excited I was. She was someone I ALWAYS found attractive… and it seemed like she was practically baiting me to ask her out.

So, I ask; “When would be good for you”. She replied; “I have to talk to my department manager today to try to get more hours, can I get back to you?” She never did. Since today it had been three days since I talked to her. I knew that wasn’t good. I played it cool, called her over and said; “you know what, let’s just ditch this bitch, (work), and chill now.”

She then tells me she has a boyfriend. the cynic in me is almost positive she doesn’t, and just used the three days to reconsider. She said she didn’t know if she should really go out while he’s around. I told her I agreed, but why did she wait to tell me. She said, “well, I’m not really sure if we’re that serious, so I didn’t know if it was worth bringing up.”

I was as nice about it as I could have been. I said; “well, I hope we can still goof around…” yadda - yadda - yadda. I didn’t want to show her how upset I was for two reasons; I was mad, and didn’t want to satisfy her ego, (even if she WOULD feel bad for me I wasn’t in the mood to complement her by showing my disappointment), by acting as if I cared, and it wouldn’t have done any good anyway’s since I see her almost everyday. This is why I made sure to specify going out as friends first. If I hadn’t, I may be in worse shape than I am now. I don’t think women realize what a kick in the f’n balls it can be to put your self out there just to get shot down after getting conformation that it WAS in fact happening. I feel like I was strung along. I feel like I lost at yet another endeavor of mine. I feel like a loser.

If this were an isolated case, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it isn’t at all and I’m at the end of my rope. As you can tell in this post, I know I’m not where most other men are my age. I have my problems, but I have a big heart. I just don’t know what to do. I’m getting quite discouraged. And it feels to me like I’m in trouble with the rest of my life. I can’t live like this Dopers. My hearts just can’t take anymore.

Best wishes to you.

I too, have the burden of a large and ever-disregarding heart.

I am far too push-over when it comes to more or less anything, especially matters of the heart.
But there is hope. I’ve met someone, and it’s been a fantastic, and terribly horrifying experience. All in all it is worth it though. It takes patience and understanding, which I’m sure you’ve mastered, and load of friends and distraction.
Yes, it is hard, and it probably won’t be easy getting to where it is you need to be to be comfortable with the situation, or in a comfortable situation rather, and the accepting of that it the hardest part.
If you’re a man of faith, be strong in your convictions, and time will prevail, and out of the fire will come warmth rather than scarring and ash.
If you are not a man of faith, trust your instincts, and follow your heart, but, refrain from the jump every time something seems to come along and go your way, yes, be happy, and elated even, but, go slow.
In all honesty, I’d take her word for it.
I am also a cynic, and I’m slowly and painfully learning that not everyone is against me all the time.
I’ve had a few instances where I was absolutely correct in my cynicism, and it tore me apart and left me in my derision or life, that can take anybody down.
Consistency is a beautiful thing, and is hard to find, but it is not impossible, neither is someone truthful.
Try and take it light of heart, and make sure it’s back in your chest, and not on your sleeve, it could get dirty out there. :stuck_out_tongue:
In the mean time, consume yourself in a hobby you enjoy, or good company, and smile, always smile, it makes things feel better, even if it doesn’t seem so.

I hope in some small way this helped, and if not, at least you know you aren’t alone.

Drive well, sleep carefully!

All of that helped.
In fact, when you brought up faith, I thought to myself; “here we go”. A lot of the people I have available to talk to about these problems say things like, “There’s someone out there for everyone”. I lack faith in everything but my own perception. That’s all I’ll ever adventure to say I’m 100% sure exists, and here my friends are telling me life is a Disney fairytale.

However I was happy to see you address an alternative.
Thanks Creep. :slight_smile:
(I don’t think you’re a creep).
Apologies about the post being a little difficult to read. It really did take me a while to write all that, and no matter how many times I read it back to myself, I’m always finding mistakes.

Don’t we all?
We’re all our own worst critics, but what else is new?

It wasn’t hard to read, it’s understandable, you’re more or less pouring your heart out on the internet, not at all something easy to do, especially to people you barely know, or sort of know.

I absolutely agree with you, Oh, don’t worry…someone’s out there for you…you just have to find someone who has the other half of this novel, long out of print by someone who may or may not have written novels. Oh, and you have give us your blood.

Granted, it’s not like that, but it might as well be. I hate that.
Things, are never that simple, and I’d bet anyone that told you that has something going for them, right?
In the words of Joe Jackson (don’t even ask why):
Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic…fools in love they think they’re heroes, cause they get to feel no pain, I say fools in love are zeros, I should know…I should know cause this fools in love again…

It’s tough, but very doable, and once it’s done, you’ll never feel the same way twice, even if it’s a fleeting romance or friendship to start.

Also, I got conformation New Years, she wanted to leave the date open. I asked her about a specific time later when I saw her again at work, and that’s when she left without addressing it.

I see her tomorrow. I guess the best thing to do would act like it never happened.

That seems to be the best bet, unless there’s some sort of weird tension (not necessarily fully palatable) then act as if. Even go for sort-of stand-offish if you can manage. Not to be a jerk.
People tend to like a challenge. Being so open, unwittingly, makes it easier to say no, because well, you’ll probably be there should free time and curiosity arise, so why bother now? You know?
It’s all very weird and sort of fucked up, but that’s how we wonderful, literate cavemen work.
Best of luck!

I haven’t been quite where you are, but I’ve always struggled with being the nice guy and not knowing just how to approach women. My worst spot was in college. Got helplessly obsessed with this woman who didn’t quite like me enough to really date me. Lead me on, sure. But not much more. I put myself through a mental meatgrinder.

I also became depressed. What got me through that was a faith that there was another side of the tunnel, and I’d get through to it. Nothing religious about it, but more of a simple belief that at some point, I wouldn’t be miserable anymore. Whether that involved having a relationship or not didn’t really matter. And there was no downside to my belief. It didn’t cost me anything. Since I never contemplated offing myself, it’s not like it cost me any pain and suffering–I was going to go through all of that anyway. So, it was something for me to hold on to.

Anyway, I did get through it and went through a lot of other stuff, including a marriage and a divorce. At some point after the divorce, I realized that what everyone has always said about needing to be happy and alone before being any good in a relationship is true. And at that point, I was mature enough and had been through enough to be in such a place–happy with myself, and confident even though I wasn’t with anyone. It sounds to me like you have a ways to go before you’re at this point. So just deal with it day by day and try not to get scope-locked on just one woman. That’s not what you need right now. Nor is putting yourself in the Friend Zone wth someone you find attractive, like the chick in your OP. That’s the last thing you want to do. Play the field (and yeah, I understand that getting started on that part is the exact problem you’re having). Try to lighten up. I strongly believe that no matter how good you are at masking this crap, girls will pick up the vibe that you’re sort of desperate and a bit green. It’s just like the 40-year old virgin. You just need to get out there, get laid a few times, and sort of re-cage your gyros. 28 is a bit old, but it’s nowhere near too late.

Some good advice in there, but this girl isn’t ‘the straw that broke the camels back’. In fact, this is nowhere near as bad as it’s gotten. I’m not contemplating suicide because so long as my family’s around I can’t. I HATE it. Sure, I’ve WANTED TO DIE. To be quite honest, even on my best days I think to ask myself whether or not I would have wanted to have been born, considering my life as a whole, and the answers no. It’s not because I hate myself either. I deserve a great girl.

I would just rather die sooner than later if I’m just going to keep losing like I have been for so long. I’ve succeeded in so little, and my family and the tax payer needs to help me out. Like I said, I’m a loser. But I strive to be a fair and good guy. I think that’s worth something. I think I deserve win one every now and then.

I really, really try. :frowning:

What’s wrong with them? Even if they aren’t your dream girls, it is important to remember that going out on a date with someone doesn’t mean you are obligated to have a relationship with them. It sounds like you might benefit from going out on a few dates just to give you a chance to build up some confidence with the opposite sex.

My personal advice would be to avoid trying to define the goal of the relationship beforehand next time. I’m sure you know that “The Friend Zone” with girls is fraught with many perils. It is also possible that she interpreted your emphasis on “friends” as meaning YOU weren’t interested in her.

I know that is very disappointing. I’ve had it happen to me too…yes, girls do get rejected too. Actually, everyone gets rejected sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re a loser. The only reason that anyone ever ends up in a relationship is because they are willing to brush themselves off and try again after facing rejection.
I had a string of really awful and discouraging experiences with men before I finally got together with my current boyfriend - and having experienced those unfortunate events helped me appreciate what I have now more. I think if you keep trying, you’ll find what you’re looking for.

It’s difficult to answer your first question. Some, you would have to get to know to understand, (and I’m NOT just talking about someone who texts on her cell phone all the time, I’m talking someone who would scream at you outside your apartment complex late at night if she’s mad at you.)

As far as physically there’s nothing I can really list, (with one POSSIBLE exception, which isn’t even always a big deal with me to begin with, and I’m not going to say what it is). I’m either attracted to a woman or not. I don’t think my standards are too high for the most part. There were two times where I may have wished I considered taking something further, but that was when I was young. There had been many times where I’ve confessed my attraction of a certain girl to my friends, only to have them look at me like I’m out of my mind. If any of you had met the last girl I could either have sex with or have a relationship with, I think most would secretly understand why I didn’t go for it.

Some are really broken too… the type you would feel like you would be taking advantage of.

I guess I would gain experience with this small minority, but my confidence would be in the gutter.

She knew.

I apologize for generalizing. I guess I’m a little bitter that a lot of women aren’t like you, and take the initiative. It’s cool you would do that, and it can actually be quite attractive to a guy, (at least, I find it commendable and bold). Thanks for your words too. I hope I find the same thing happens to me.
And I’m happy a lot of you have found someone after a rocky start. :slight_smile:

I’m 42 and a virgin. It’s really too late for romance for me: I’m too accustomed to my own company. As for sex, seeing a professional would have been a very career limiting move. So go out and enjoy life as a singleton. Make friends and maybe something might happen.

Quartz, I don’t mean to pry, but are you really content with being a virgin? I honestly don’t care as much about the physical aspect as I do the companionship. I don’t miss sex because I have no concept of it, aside from… well, you know… oral.

Hey MyFoots, 'fraid I don’t have much to offer in terms of advice, but I do want to offer some words of encouragement. It can be tough out there, but if you think you deserve it, some lucky gal out there will probably agree too – as soon as she finds you. Have you tried meeting people through different means than you normally do, maybe Internet dating or some such? Different communities attract different personalities, and maybe you just haven’t found the right place for your type of gal yet.

And who knows, that gal at work might change her mind someday. If she’s the type who has a boyfriend she’s not even really sure about, shrug… you just never know. Don’t count on it, but don’t necessarily count it out either (unless you FEEL like moving on to greener pastures).

Keep your options (and your heart) open. If you can’t die right now because you’re sticking around for your family, well, it seems you’re stuck for the time being; you might as well try and get some enjoyment out of it. Your medical conditions already punish you enough, you don’t have to artificially add to them :slight_smile:

Speaking of taken gals… I met this great one yesterday at a cafe. We chatted for hours and seemed to get along pretty damned well. Then the conversation shifted to some kinky shit somehow :smiley: Then she tells me she’s married. :smack: Then she says they’re not always monogamous. :eek: Then she says they’ve been trying to be for the last year because they’re trying to officially legalize their marriage. :smack:

Women. :confused:

It’s not always your fault.

Just so ya’ know. No girl on the planet has ever said “Awe, look at that guy he’s so sweet, accommodating, offers a shoulder to cry on and he opens doors for people. I must date/have sex with this guy!”

I guess on a philosophical level it’s great you have such a big heart, but really, you’re not impressing the ladies with it. At least no more than they’d be impressed by a “cute little puppy.”

I’m not saying you have to be an Asshole. Just saying it’s OK to put yourself first every once in a while. And if you disagree with something some one has told you; tell them. Just like your lady friend in the OP, you should have just told her not to bullshit you and more importantly STOP PATRONIZING you!

Now get ready for the plethora of women who’ll disagree about not being impressed by the whole “sweetness” thing.

Well, no one’s going to be attracted to that guy if that’s ALL there is to him. If he’s shy and awkward and sorry for himself and uncomfortable to be around BUT he’s otherwise the guy you described, hell no; I’d be bored to tears and so would most of the planet. But if he’s witty, good-natured, confident (at least in manner), slightly flirtatious, funny, AND sweet, he’s going to have women lined up around the block.

Sweetness is by no means a deal-breaker; it’s a huge plus-- just not in people who are otherwise boring or self-pitying. It’s a drag to be around someone who doesn’t know how to have a good time because they’re so busy mourning their own lives. I just want to grab these people and shake them and say “Do you know WHY you hate your life? Because you’re not having fun! And you’re not having fun because you’re too caught up in hating your life! LET IT GO!!”

Sorry, OP, if it’s rough to hear, but I think it’s true. Depression is a vicious cycle-- when you’re depressed, you don’t feel like having fun, but if you don’t do things to make yourself happy, you’ll never stop being depressed. The harsh truth is, nobody really wants to be around a miserable person, and without company, you’re going to continue being miserable. So you just have to tell yourself to cut it the fuck out and learn how to be a guy people want to be around. Be friendly, make jokes, find humor in things, tease people playfully, and don’t walk around looking like a sad sack-- before you know it, people will be inviting you out for drinks, and you’ll be having fun, and you’ll be feeling good about yourself. The first step in gaining this sort of life is seeming to others like you already have it.

Deserve has nothing to do with this.

Nice guys deserve women, we all agree with this, even the women. But being nice on its own will not get you a good relationship. It will not even make the world treat you better.

I believe being a nice guy will make life easier than being an asshole. There is less guilt, anxieties (less real ones at least), and less people out to get you. Keep in mind, however, that being nice won’t get you a good career, respect, or a good relationship. All these things require a little extra work. Something more than just being a nice guy.

It’s not fair, but we all know life isn’t fair.

Reply, thanks for the encouragement and suggestions. It seems I am going to go online. Probably tomorrow. :slight_smile:

Actually, when she talked about this guy, she claimed that she was sort of seeing him at the time, and didn’t think it would be right to hangout outside of work. I said, “OH I AGREE BUT, why didn’t you tell me about this guy, even if he was just another prospect!?”

She claimed she wasn’t sure if it would go anywhere.

I then said; “So it’s not some guy you just made up because you were having second thoughts?”

She looked down kind of smiling, and said; “Why would you even think I would do that.”

Although I’m pretty damn sure this guy doesn’t exist, I didn’t see the point of drilling her about it, but I did say, jokingly, that I wanted to see pictures of her and this guy kissing as evidence. Yeah, I could have thought of a better means to request her to provide truth this guy’s real, but… I was shooting from the hip.

I am too “nice”.
Today I wasn’t.

The problem is when I’m generous, and people ignore it or try to take advantage of it… I eventually get pissed, my friends know this side of me well. It’s rare, but there are times where I just LOSE it. Today I did, (not in front of her). It was because I was giving my job my all and people keep requesting more of me, I was VERY courteous to all the customers yet they still do needless shit that’s inconvienencing, AND this girl basically HID from me at the beginning of the day. I tried to say hi, and talk to her which I think warmed her up a little.

It wasn’t just the girl, work was REALY BAD and my boss, (the person I DID lose it in front of, by asking him, quite pissed, just how long he plans to keep me at work past my shift), he felt bad.

At the end of all this, she (the girl) asked me when I worked next while I was impatiently waiting for a kid with CP I was asked to pick up and take home, (turned out he had already started walking home and didn’t tell me… Grrr!!!) I said; “I don’t know when I’m working next”. She kept on listing days, and I curtly inerupted her and said… “I *REALLY *don’t know when I’m working next!” She said, “Ok, well I guess I’ll see you whenever.”

I should find a balance.
I turn into the Hulk after putting so much thought into giving to others and not getting much in return. I feel like I owe society because I feel insecure about my problems. Like, show my worth in some way

Cool. Good luck :slight_smile:

Wait, what? What’s CP? And are you saying the girl asked you out but you were too angry to accept this time?

cerebral palsy.

No, she was asking about when I would work next, after telling her I didn’t know, and wondering where the hell the kid was, she started listing days when I may be working, (Wednesday? Thursday?) and I was annoyed…

So I was like… “I don’t know!”

No, I’m not really content about it, but I accept that it hasn’t happened and isn’t likely to. If it happens it happens but I’ve ceased actively trying to make it happen. I’m concentrating on being the best possible uncle to my brother’s children.