I don’t know who to go to about this problem, (that I hadn’t already gone to in the past). It’s a problem I’ve embarrassingly dealt with too many times, and though I WOULD NEVER DO IT, it’s a problem that’s had (and has) me day-dreaming about taking my life, and how I would go about doing it. I know there are a lot of “boo-hoo” stories that pop up here, and I really don’t want to be ‘that guy’. I know there are a lot of things in my life that I should be more than grateful for. Perhaps I’m spoiled for letting this kill me inside.
I’m a 28 year old male, who opens the door for everyone. If someone’s feeling down, I feel responsible to at least try to make them feel better. I’m charitable. I REALLY care about other people.
And I’m alone. I’m a virgin, (sometimes by choice, but mostly due to lack of opportunity). I don’t know if I can take being alone anymore. I feel like a ticking-time-bomb of insanity, and self loathing. On top of this, I feel guilty that I sometime don’t find a lot of the women eligible to me attractive.
Though I’m honest, and would be very conscious of how much I would be putting into a relationship, I’m MORE THAN conscious of my bad qualities. I’m live in a subsidized apartment complex because I only work part time. I don’t go to school. I don’t have any big plans for the future… the meds I take for depression, anxiety, and ADD is like a three-course breakfast. I’m also dyslexic. The lack of work and school is primarily due to my internal issues. Basically I’m pretty much a loser.
But every now and then my confidence rises to great heights, take for example this girl at work. Calls me “Scotty-Hottie” all the time. I also expressed to her that she herself was very attractive. After MONTHS, labeling each other hot, she says: “Scott, we need to find you a girlfriend”. I told her I would gladly go out with her, AS FRIENDS, and see where it may go if she and I were interested. I did this on New Years Eve. I felt like I had to try. She seemed ALL FOR IT. I could have sworn I had her pegged. I never let her in on JUST how excited I was. She was someone I ALWAYS found attractive… and it seemed like she was practically baiting me to ask her out.
So, I ask; “When would be good for you”. She replied; “I have to talk to my department manager today to try to get more hours, can I get back to you?” She never did. Since today it had been three days since I talked to her. I knew that wasn’t good. I played it cool, called her over and said; “you know what, let’s just ditch this bitch, (work), and chill now.”
She then tells me she has a boyfriend. the cynic in me is almost positive she doesn’t, and just used the three days to reconsider. She said she didn’t know if she should really go out while he’s around. I told her I agreed, but why did she wait to tell me. She said, “well, I’m not really sure if we’re that serious, so I didn’t know if it was worth bringing up.”
I was as nice about it as I could have been. I said; “well, I hope we can still goof around…” yadda - yadda - yadda. I didn’t want to show her how upset I was for two reasons; I was mad, and didn’t want to satisfy her ego, (even if she WOULD feel bad for me I wasn’t in the mood to complement her by showing my disappointment), by acting as if I cared, and it wouldn’t have done any good anyway’s since I see her almost everyday. This is why I made sure to specify going out as friends first. If I hadn’t, I may be in worse shape than I am now. I don’t think women realize what a kick in the f’n balls it can be to put your self out there just to get shot down after getting conformation that it WAS in fact happening. I feel like I was strung along. I feel like I lost at yet another endeavor of mine. I feel like a loser.
If this were an isolated case, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it isn’t at all and I’m at the end of my rope. As you can tell in this post, I know I’m not where most other men are my age. I have my problems, but I have a big heart. I just don’t know what to do. I’m getting quite discouraged. And it feels to me like I’m in trouble with the rest of my life. I can’t live like this Dopers. My hearts just can’t take anymore.