Me being alone.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Yeah, I think I handled this pretty well, (in front of her of course). I was actually pretty confident, as i mentioned in the first post. She seemed self-aware too, so that made it a lot easer. Now, I don’t put on the sad-sack front at work. I used to be all about sad-sackness, but the Xanax cleared that up. Like I said, today I was pissed, but didn’t show a hint of being sad. Unless people can pick up on it, and I’m not as good an actor as had thought.

I am awkward though. I avoid people a lot because there’s a lot of common things they start talking about that I don’t understand. (Like sports, or classes they’re taking in college).

22

It’s ok to be quiet sometimes when you don’t feel like there’s anything you can add to a conversation, but there’s a difference between being a passive participant in a group discussion (being quiet but still watching, listening, and responding openly, indicating interest in the speakers and in being social) and totally avoiding the group. I get the feeling that you’re doing the latter.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you sound like you could really benefit from something like a “Life Coach”. Someone unbiased who could just help guide you in the right direction, give you encouragement when you’re doing the right thing and correct you when you’re not. I say this because you seem like you’re not totally socially unsalvageable (some people really are); you just need a little extra push, a little extra guidance.

So, if you need someone like that to talk to, vent to, bounce things off of, feel free to send me a pm. I can spare some time here and there to listen, and I guess I just feel a lot of empathy for you based on what you’ve written here, so just consider the offer open anytime you need it. If not, I think it would be a good idea to look for someone who you think has their shit together and is happy, someone you could aspire to be like, who is willing to listen and try to help you. If that doesn’t sound appealing, maybe try some self-help books (as cheesy as that sounds) on how to be happy.

Good luck in becoming a happier and healthier person in the future. I think you can do it, but you have to realize it won’t just happen if you don’t make it.

23

nevermore, do you know if there are professional “life coaches” that people can hire for help in real life?

24

There are. I’m not overly familiar with how they work (except from what I’ve seen on fictional tv shows), how much they cost, etc., but they do exist. Of course, I’m sure anybody could be one, since it’s not a profession that’s subject to regulations or standards, so you’d have to be careful that you found someone genuinely motivated to help people instead of someone just looking for an easy way to make a buck without doing much.

25

I don’t know, I (as a young woman) probably wouldn’t respond well to someone asking me out with emphasis “as friends first”. I’d assume he was either trying preemptively to avoid commitment, or trying to play some weird game, or if not, was just a passive person in general, trying to make me be the one to do the “official” asking out. In the situation you described, I’d much sooner go for a direct ask-out, or if you wanted to be coy, a half-joking “okay, YOU be my girlfriend” to feel things out a little.
The other thing is, if I actually like you that way I’ll say yes. (or would, if I weren’t attached). It won’t be anything else you do or try, tactics-wise or “effort to be a good guy”-wise that’ll get me to say it (though that might work on women who are afraid to say no to anything or want to screw around with your feelings, but of course, those issues get complicated). That’s why the “be yourself” cliche still bears saying even after being said to death.

And yeah, I’d avoid going out with women you aren’t attracted to, too. And please don’t be bitter about girls and initiative. Long story VERY short, they’re just not as likely to because they’re faced with a greater “loss of face” for going after lots of guys directly than guys would be faced with among peers and public (traditionally; I’m sure exceptions are apt to pop their heads in with little stories). Plus, that really does make me think of that xkcd comic everyone here links to when a “nice guy” topic comes up.

26

2 Questions:

  1. What do you like to do in your free time? That is, outside of work, what are your hobbies?

  2. What do you see as your positives? And what do your friends, family, etc. see as your most attractive qualities?

The reason I ask is that (a) combining hobbies and meeting people can be good and (b) identifying and accentuating your positives can make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

At the end of the day finding a partner is NOT easy. Dating is NOT easy. The whole damn scene sucks. It may look easy, but it’s not.

27

I don’t presume to think that you are none of the below, but I think they are important points to be emphasised.

**1. ** Cease being a virgin. Sex is not all it’s cracked up to be; that is, until you find someone you really do care about. When you do meet someone that means a lot to you, the sex becomes something beyond a simple physical experience. But the thing is, women who are your age are not interested in virgins. They want to meet men who know things. So just go with a couple of buddies to a frat party and find some drunk college chicks and get this virginity thing out of the way. And NEVER tell a woman that you are a virgin. That WILL creep them out.

Get some sex instruction books, my roommate has this amazing book that really helped me out, I forget the title, but there are a lot of other good ones. Reading this book gave me tips on sex in general, how to be more erotic etc. It had tips for both men and women.

2. Get a full-time job. Most women who are your age are more interested in dating potential husbands/life partners/serious relationship material. So the ideal guy is someone who is reasonably stable financially and life-wise.

3. Don’t treat every date as always leading to a relationship.

**a.**  You're just dating around to meet people and to see what kind of women you like and don't like.  And dating helps you practice your interaction skills, learning what works and what doesn't.  Go on one of those speed dates or something.

**b.**  LEARN HOW TO FLIRT!!  That joke you said about wanting proof of that girl's other guy by seeing a photo of them kissing, seemed kinda weird to me, to be honest.  Flirting doesn't mean you like the other person or want to go out with them.  Flirting is fun and a enjoyable thing to do.  It's nice to make other people feel good, and it makes you feel good too.  Learn how to do it without being creepy or intimidating.

**4. ** Don’t change who you are, but you gotta be the type of woman you want to attract. If you’re a dirty bum, most likely you’ll attract the type of women who like dirty bums.

**5. **Don’t try too hard to change yourself, but make yourself presentable for women. Be well-groomed, well-dressed, well-mannered and classy. Find the right moments to be funny, and make the woman feel comfortable. My fiance and I love poo jokes, and we like farting to gross each other out, but that comes later in the relationship. Have a sense of humour and don’t be pretentious.

I don’t want to assume that you’re not any of the above, but here’s to emphasising how important it can be!

http://www.lifestylechannel.com.au/factsheets/factsheet.asp?id=924

And read this: http://www.esquire.com/features/essential-skills-0508
I’m not one for gender stereotyping here, but really, even the most feminist woman secretly wants a man who can protect them and do manly things. Someone above said something about women don’t want to date nice goody-goodies. That is true. You have to find a balance between being the goody-two-shoes and the asshole. Women like men with confidence (not the arrogant confidence, though).

After all, it is the male peacock that has all the pretty feathers.

6. Read this: http://www.amazon.com/List-Ways-Shake-Your-Life/dp/1580052568

7. Make sure your apartment is always clean, nice-smelling and woman-friendly.
http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=75644 READ THIS.

8. 50 best date movies. I’ve seen A LOT of these movies, and they’re perfect for dates.
http://www.nerve.com/dispatches/nerveeditors/50BestDateMovies/05/

If you happen to meet a woman to take out on a date, don’t just take her to a movie the first time, though. That’s boring. Take her somewhere like… a foreign film in a foreign theatre that is subtitled in English. Or… paddle-boating. Or one of those dinner theatre things.

9. If you don’t already, read A LOT! Read Kerouac, William S. Burroughs, Hunter S. Thompson, Celine, Thomas Pynchon, Hemingway and Joseph Heller. I don’t know why, but for some weird reason, those having read these books make men way more attractive to me.

That’s all I can type down, for now. But otherwise, take action. Address those faults of yours. I know it’s not easy when you’re depressed, but if you start with one small thing now, you’ll gain momentum. DO something about them, that’s the only way anything’s going to get done. Don’t artificially inflate yourself with positivity, but work to remove the negativity.

28

You joined over two years ago and this thread pulls you out of the woodwork to your first post? Weird.

29

Heh, yeah, pretty much. When I joined, I did so for a friend, and didn’t think to come back until now. This was the first post I clicked on when I scanned the threads.

30

Hey look, a timely Slashdot article on the topic.

The comments are interesting/funny/pathetic and potentially worth reading. After all, what better place to get dating advice than from the world’s single loneliest, nerdiest community? If those tactics resulted in success for even a SINGLE one of 'em, I’m sure you’ll have no problem.

31

I appreciate the offer nevermore. I didn’t take it the wrong way at all. There are some measures I need to take to be more comfortable around people and be more comfortable with myself.

Sometimes I find incentive to change and better myself at the wrong time. For instance… I once promised, (to myself), that if I got a certain girl to go out with me, that I would quit smoking. We only went out once… but I still stuck to my guns. I, OF COURSE, didn’t tell her this. I really didn’t think she would have gone out with me. I didn’t have any incentive to quit smoking, (like I said, I don’t value life very much), other than all the sinus infections I got, but then one day, out of the blue she cashed in her “raincheck”. I should have specified more dates.

I feel motivated AFTER I get the date. Which I know is bad.

As far as the “friend first” thing, I did it more for her then me. As much as I hate rejection, I want a girl to know enough about me to weigh in on things, (and the same for me, to be honest, but to a lesser extent). I was following another woman’s advice actually. Plus I wanted to save face in a case like this, or if the date didn’t go well… I DO have to see this girl a lot.

I understand the whole;
“if a guy has sex a lot, he a stud, but if a woman does she’…” mentality society has, (Does anyone think about the guy not getting any compared to the girl not getting any?). Anyway, I agree with you that it’s more difficult for a woman to do so than a man. I do, HOWEVER, think that women should be strong and go after something they want if they choose to do so. I was simply correcting my error by implying women don’t know what it’s like, and encouraging women who don’t care about what other people think and do what they want to do.

I watch movies and play video games. Yeah, I know. I could lie but that’s really all there is. This is the Straight Dope. I would ride a bike… if my bike weren’t broken. I’m not very coordinated. So when my friends and I go bowling… I’m ALWAYS dead last. They’re always doing competitive shit. To be fair, a lot of things that I WANT to try, (like learning how to dance, or yoga), would be something a guy would normally do with their SO.

I’m a good artist. I did well in community college art courses, never got anything less than an ‘A-’, and they I had the most work up their gallery. I had CRAZY panic attacks though, and I would not be able to pull myself away from a project. I didn’t enjoy any of it, and I didn’t know what I wanted to use it for.

A lot of people say I’m funny. There have been times where I’ve thought to take all my crazyness, write it out in joke form, and take it to an open mic. I feel weirdly comfortable being the butt of my own jokes.

32

seekerofspace
I can’t get to you post now, I’ll read it tomorrow after work.

33

Aww. thanks! I will get to you!!
sorry!!

34

Ok, a lot of your post was most difficult for me to read because I know what you’re saying is for the most part true. I should just try to get laid a few times, before “making love”. I guess I had it in my mind that my first time would be either “making love” or AT least some cute, perhaps slightly older and more experienced woman for a one-nighter. Like that song; Late December Back in ‘63.

Like you said, sex really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be unless there’s passion. I don’t know this fist hand, but I know when I DID partake in ‘oral graification’, I often had to fake climax because it was just lasting too long. It was my last GF, which was 3 or 4 years ago, and we felt very little romantic chemistry from each other.

It may freak a woman out that I’m a virgin, and I may not be very good right away… but I do plan to work on it until I know, (as best as one can know), that I’m F’n awesome at it. I like pleasing women, and I’m hardly the type that would last 5 minutes. I’m in it to win it.

Sad my first time will probably be with a half-passed out skank. :rolleyes:

Not a bad idea.

This is a toughy. I really truly have a difficult time handling full-time. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I get frazzled at work. HOWEVER, I’ve never been as close as I have been now. The Xanax helps. I’m also on Ritalin-LA, and Lexapro. My Doctor and I have been talking about switching the Lexapro to Effexor, but I HATE changing meds. They take up to a month to work, and you have to stop your other stuff right away. Who knows if it will even work. I DON’T want to freak out at work.

I will enquire about working full time soon. I do have my concerns. I don’t want to freak out around people I have to work with, like I had in college, that damage that can’t be undone.

Yes, this is why I wanted it to sound as casual as possible.

This is a BIG problemb with me. Yes that remark was weird, but I’m really not beating myself up over it, since I really didn’t know what to say at the time. I have a HARD time flirting, because I don’t know what’s playful and what’s creepy. It seems one woman could find a specific thing I say flattering, while another will give me a weird look. I have NO experience flirting what-so-ever. The girl I’m talking about was the most I’ve ever flirted with a girl. It seemed to have been working well for the most part. I KNOW that’s what lead her to agree to go out with me. I made her blush, and she was… just melting when I told her how cute she was. Some times I can’t help but say the ‘wrong’ thing though. I just can’t.

This I agree with to an extent. I think I liked this particular girl because, we did have some things in common, but I think both our strengths and weaknesses could have balanced each other out a little. I even felt like I had something to bring to the table.

YES! Sometimes I have a problem with this, and sometimes I don’t. It really has to do with the woman. I used to not care about how I looked, but I’m well kept now. Once again, I can thank the meds for that.

I have, (and had), many of the problems you listed. I didn’t come to straight dope with these problems without knowing I would get some constructive criticism that may be difficult to except. Like I said, my friends give me advice that’s pretty much worthless.

Thanks for all the links and advice. I don’t know if I can work on EVERYTHING that’s been listed. Not that I don’t want to, but there’s so much I should improve about myself. It’s not an easy thing for me to do. I **am **trying to better myself.

…

I can’t tell you how much this has helped Dopers. I really am grateful that you guys took the time to read what sounds like diary entries of mine, and give me some solid advice. So thank you.

Quartz, I really hope someone finds you, since you’re not actively looking. I don’t know your story but I’m getting older myself and I just wish the best for you man.

35

Doesn’t have to be. Since you’re not exactly a spring chicken, your first time probably won’t be with your ideal candidate, but it doesn’t have to be a half-passed-out skank. There are plenty of women in the internet dating scene who, with foreknowledge, would be glad to teach you a few lessons-- the catch is that they probably won’t be physically and/or socially ideal, but hey, it’s not like you’re marrying them. Try posting an ad on craigslist, or checking out others’ ads. Might sound embarassing, but honestly, as long as you don’t post your name publicly, nobody will know but you and whoever responds.

The ability to flirt really comes with confidence and familiarity. It sounds like you were pretty comfortable with this girl and confident that she was digging you, so you were probably willing to say riskier things, tease her a little bit, and try to make her laugh because you had a pretty good feel for what she’d respond to and what she wouldn’t.

That’s all flirting is-- a sly little smile here and there, a playful remark about their attractiveness, light touches on the arm or the back-- but it’s all about knowing when and where and how much. It’s all about context, about knowing that the girl is comfortable enough with you for you to say or do whatever you’re about to say or do. You can really creep a girl out if you say or do something that’s a level up from the the one she’s on with you. For example, it’s much safer to try something on the “make her laugh”/“give a slightly-more-than-friendly smile” level with a girl you barely know than the “playful remark about attractiveness” level. And the more you associate with women, even as friends or on the internet, the better you’ll be able to read where they are and what they’re comfortable with.