25 and never been in a relationship

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is long and pathetic… read at your own risk. No I haven’t been drinking, but it is really early in the morning here and I’m tired so this may not come out right.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this here, but what the hell, I’ll just say it: I am 25 and have never been in a real relationship with a girl (I am a straight male). This is something that has been bothering me greatly for the last few months. It literally weighs on my mind all the time. It’s gotten to the point where it is affecting my work performance and sleep patterns. I don’t even feel like waking up in the morning because there just doesn’t seem to be any point. And then I don’t like to go to bed at night because then it will just be tomorrow and tomorrow is probably going to suck.

I don’t think I am bad looking, though there are some things that I don’t like seeing in the mirror. I look way too young for my age, for example. I don’t like my eyes or hair, either.

I’ve been asked out by probably two dozen girls starting from the time I was 13 or 14. I’ve gone out on dates with plenty of them, but nothing has ever lasted more than a few weeks. Yeah, I’m a virgin. Some of them were too ugly, too young, too fat, too whatever…

I’ve asked out 2 girls in my life. Yeah, just 2. One I was crazy about and supposedly she was into me too, from what other people told me. We went out once and talked on the phone some, but then she wouldn’t answer when I called her anymore. She moved away and found another guy and broke my heart. The second one turned out the be just weird. One time she called me from her ex-boyfriend’s house halfway across the country and I ended it right there.

A few months a go a girl asked me out. I had only seen her once before. She was pretty, smart, just turned 22, about to graduate from college. She practically dragged me over to her apartment several times and we watched movies until like 5am. We went out to the bars. We drove around aimlessly. She texted me all the time. Why she was interested I don’t know - I honestly couldn’t believe it was happening. But like every other girl, I just couldn’t connect with her. One morning as I was leaving she told me it was OK if I didn’t call her anymore… I don’t know if she was bored with me or thought I didn’t like her or what.

Since then I’ve been depressed. If a beautiful, wonderful woman practically clubs me over the head and drags me back home and I still can’t make it work, then what is the point of even trying?

It’s like every day is the same exact damn thing over and over again. I feel like I’ve wasted my life and have nothing to show for it. I don’t have many friends although I do genuinely enjoy the company of people. I seem to have lots of “acquaintances” but not any close friends. I guess I’m just hard to know, but it seems like every time I try to open up to someone they just push me away.

I just don’t know what to do.

2

One problem with waiting for people to approach you is that you’re less likely to meet someone you find attractive or “connected” to than if you are seeking out the people you find appealing.
Some guys out there NEVER get asked out at all by girls, you know, so you should consider yourself lucky that you’ve gotten as far as you have without having to make the first move.

I’m a chick, and I wasn’t happy with the kind of guys who were asking me out, so I sought out the type of guys I like and asked them out. I was a lot happier with my options once I started taking more initiative (even though I could have used the “I shouldn’t have the make first move cuz I’m a girl” excuse to stay passive). I eventually wound up with my current awesome boyfriend thanks to being willing to take some initiative.
…but not before a lot of false starts and dismal failures, of course. Finding a relationship does take some effort and persistence. Some relationships do end badly, and sometimes people that seem cool at first turn out to be crazy in some way. However, there are several billion people of your preferred sex out there. Surely there has to be one of the billions out there that is either sane or crazy in ways that are compatible with your own neuroses. There is no sense in letting some bad experiences cause you to just give up. If you need help becoming more assertive, it may not be a bad idea to talk to a counselor about how to go about it.

3

Maybe you should consider patronizing an escort to lose your virginity? I take it this used to be common practice in America and it seems like a good idea to me. Demystifying the sex act is important and it breaks down a lot of psychological barriers that hold back guys from being fully confident about approaching women. As they say in 40 year old Virgin you need to “take the pussy off the pedestal,” I guess.

In Anthony Kiedis’s autobiography he talks about how his dad arranged for him to lose his virginity with a beautiful teenage girl he had talked into it, when he was like 12 or something, so that he would get it out of the way early. Consequently he had NO sexual hangups during his adolescence whatsoever. While most guys his age were just daydreaming about girls, he was able to actually have sex with them, because he had complete confidence knowing that he’d already done something that most boys hadn’t. That’s a really extreme example of what I’m talking about but it’s still a good point, I think. The sooner you get that first sex act out of your system, the easier it becomes afterwards.

If I were 25 years old and still a virgin, my first priority would be to not be a virgin anymore. The dating, relationships, love, etc, will come later.

Your first time doesn’t need to be “special” or any other bullshit; don’t let that puritanical pseudo-morality which is rampant in american culture hold you back.

4

You know, I have an armchair theory. One that’s always worked for me.

It seems to me, like 90% of the time, people get depressed because they are NOT acting or doing what they KNOW they NEED to be doing.

Mostly, said things DON’T get done out of fear. Thus, in comes the depression. Because who the hell wants to feel like a scared little twit? We do a pretty good job convincing ourselves we’re depressed for other reasons, but the fact of the matter is we all control our own destinies and it’s up to each of us to take that bull by the horns.

It’s scary, I know. But it’s a task they lays before you and it’s one that has to be done.

The point of what I’m saying is; you know what you have to do to turn things arounnd in your life so do it!

Examples: Be more assertive, change your hair, go to a gym etc…

If you’re not happy with yourself how do you expect anybody else to be happy with you?

5

It is hardly unusual. Don’t fret.

6

It doesn’t seem you’re trying very hard, from what you’ve said. I’ve tried harder (admittedly not by much) and I still haven’t had a relationship (26 in a week). With that attitude, you’re not going to get anywhere.

You’ve mentioned things that you don’t like about yourself. Can you change them? Obviously, if you don’t like them, but you can change it because it makes you feel better about yourself, do it. It will make you more confident and will help you, not just in romance, but in life. Get a new haircut, work out, explore something different?

7

I completely agree with other posters that if someone reaches 25 and is still a virgin they should see an escort and get the first couple of times over under their belt. Firstly, it demystifies sex even if you’ve seen a fair bit of porn, secondly you get a sense of what’s involved and thirdly it “takes the pussy off the pedestal”. And finally, as stupid as it seems, you can cross “but but but I’m still a virgin” off your life’s list of things to resolve. I realise a relationship is more than sex but taking the sex out of the equation will help you deal with the situation.

I’m in a similar situation, except I’m 30 and I’ve asked out a lot of women. I spent many years going through the 7 stages of grief about it but I’ve accepted it now. It’s just the way I am, I’m not bad or too nice or too ugly or too shy, it’s not even about that: as a package I’m just not attractive and there’s always a better alternative.

I think you’re case is a little different given that a woman essentially beat you over the head with the “I like you” club, which means you are attractive to women. So I’d look at that as an example that someone will find you attractive so you should make the effort to ask out more women.

8

I was just about to say that… :slight_smile:

And hey, I have my chin up, so you can too. I don’t dwell on the fact that I’ve never had sex with anyone, nor that I haven’t been in a relationship in about 3 years (and it was a psychotic one at that…). It’s all part of life, and I focus my energy on other things. :slight_smile:

9

True. Not living is also a part of life. :dubious: Yes, really…but hmph. Y’know? Hmph.

Sometimes (back in my 30s and earlier) I’d be told, “You’ll find someone when you least expect it.”

That’s the catch, though - you have to be open to absolutely everything, everyone, and expect zero, or less than zero (hurt, negative self-reinforcement). And keep coming back for more.

Not everyone can do it, or keep doing it. (Take me. I started out trying to be sympathetic, maybe a little sardonic, but the loser-scripts and the sucker’s-game worldview took over.)

10

In all seriousness… are you sure you’re attracted to women? Ever considered the same sex?

11

Dude, I suggest you go call up this chick you were talking to and ask her out. And make it clear it’s a real date. None of that “let’s just hang out as friends even tho I think you’re hot” kinda stuff. Because you obviously like her, enough to spend a lot of time with her. And you said yourself she’s “a beautiful, wonderful woman…” And you know for a fact she likes you and thinks you’re damn sexy.

If you really want a girlfriend that bad, there you go. She sounds great for a first relationship. Maybe a relationship with her will inevitably end, perhaps badly. Heck, with your attitude I’m sure it won’t last more than 6 months. But at least you’ll have had the experience. And I promise you, you’ll feel better about yourself, less depressed and more confident. And future relationships will be a lot brighter.

Everyone else here has some great advice, and you should follow it too. But ultimately you’re gonna have to jump into a relationship, and now is really as a good a time as any.

12

I’m 27 and never been in a real relationship, and I know there are others on the board in the a similar situation but older.

If it bothers you, do something about it. Go out with this girl, but don’t make the relationship into more than it is - what are the odds that the first girl you date will be the one? But go out, have fun, let it develop naturally and be chill about it.

Register on dating sites. I had great success with Soulgeek.com, cuz it’s all geeks like myself.

It sounds like me like you might be depressed or something if you can’t connect to these girls. Go talk to your doctor. Seriously. I had very muted emotions for years and years until I was put on anti-depressants. Fixed that and moved on.

Talk to your friends and the girl and see if there’s anything off-putting about yourself and then change it. But don’t rag on yourself on dates (or after as much as you can help) - you’re there to have fun with this young lady.

Basically you’re overthinking and you need to start doing.

13

Well if you are 25 and managed to escape the young relationship trap give yourself a pat on the back!! :stuck_out_tongue:

So lets check out the downside…

You have to plan holidays for yourself, damn maybe you just will have to go to Asia or the Pacific

Damn! You don’t have anyone to take shopping in the mall on a weekend… well maybe just have to go to that ball game and have a few beers after the match.

A relationship doesn’t validate you, it doesn’t make you ‘whole again’ despite what the Black Eyed Peas sang.

Am with the demystify the sex thing crowd but then would add start living for yourself and not for some idea that you need to be in a relationship at 25.

You don’t know how lucky you are ( don’t get me wrong some people suit the relationship role) but am figuring at 25 your finances are getting to a stage where you are becoming comfortable with what you can do.

Why not chose to explore what you can be yourself. Do some travelling, establish your self to where you feel comfortable. You don’t have to jump into a relationship and shouldn’t until you are happy with your own relationship with yourself

good luck

14

Don’t worry. You’ll find that special someone to have a relationship with someday. And then you’ll find a whole new set of things to be miserable and depressed about…just like the rest of us.:smiley:

15

OP, you need not take this all that seriously.

I’ve long suspected there was a clandestine campaign afoot to convince oddballs, late bloomers, and other social misfits to turn gay, just to avoid them muddying the gene pool and/or gaining any influence in organizations like school boards or the PTA. After all, they’re really not nice normal people and we’d hate to have them enjoying equal status in society…:wink:

16

I didn’t have my first relationship until age 29, and I had trouble making friends, and I was at least as miserable about it as you are. Our situations and reasons for relationshiplessness may be different, but I can think of two big pieces of advice that I could offer that would unresevervedly apply to you, to the younger me, or to anyone else in a similar position.

#1: Get a life. Do what you can to become a better, healthier, stronger, more interesting person.

This includes things like: Get a job that pays well and/or is interesting and/or is worthy of respect. Get involved in something where you have to interact with other people, like recreational sports or community theater or a service organization. Exercise and eat right. Learn. Be interested in things. Develop a useful talent or skill, like cooking or playing the guitar or fixing cars. The more you have going for you, the more people are going to want to be around you.

#2: Develop social skills. Learn how to relate to and get along with people.

There are books (and websites, like this or this or this or this) about social skills, friendship, dating, sex, relationships, etc. that you can read to become more knowledgeable or see some of the things you may be missing. You may or may not find it helpful to see a counselor of some sort. But if you want to improve, with time and practice you will.

17

Don’t worry about it, man. I’m in the same boat as you - ultimately, I just figure that I’m still a young guy, with plenty of time to find someone. Besides which, everyone has something they don’t like about their life - crappy job, want to be/dislike being in school, whatever. I’ve got a lot of things going pretty damn well in my life, and I bet you do too - this just doesn’t happen to be one of them.

For what it’s worth, I think the escort suggestion is a terrible idea, unless it happens to be legal where you live. Even then, I wouldn’t do it. If you find yourself in a relationship where sex becomes a real option, then I expect it’ll kind of work itself out - maybe not all that great the first time, but what of it? It’s not like there aren’t do-overs. And if you’re in a relationship where sex isn’t an option- well, then your lack of experience doesn’t matter a bit, does it? No reason to break the law over this thing.

Out of curiosity, what do you do in your free time? Do you have any hobbies that force you to get out and meet people? You might try that - join an amateur theater group (even if you only get to play Spear Carrier #3), start volunteering for a non-profit, something. The only certain guarantee is that you will not meet anyone sitting in your house.

ETA: Thudlow Boink has got it, I think. :slight_smile:

18

Honestly, it sounds like you’re ambivalent about these women, even about the ones you took the initiative to ask out. It sounds like you let the 22-year-old girl do all the work in your relationship – ‘dragging’ you over to her apartment, texting you, etc. Did you ever kiss her, or hold her hand, or even cuddle with her on the couch while y’all watched a movie? I know that, as a woman, if I go out with a guy a few times, then I expect him to be at least a little physically affectionate with me. If he won’t even hug me or hold my hand than I figure he’s just not attracted to me and I’ll let our relationship wither and die naturally, which sort of sounds like what she did.

19

I want to second that (as a guy) – not only did that girl ask you out (a rare enough situation on its own) – she fawned and drooled over you and you did jack diddly shit about it for weeks? She had to finally tell you “it’s ok to not call”, as in “I guess you’re not interested. You don’t have to keep pretending to be nice.”?! Man! At least have the decency to pawn her off on one of the rest of us!

Do you know how many people would kill to get asked out by 20+ girls, something that you just sorta nonchalantly take for granted?

20

I would suggest bringing these topics up with your doctor. It sounds that this is causing you considerable distress, and it is not merely impatience on your part. I think the advice to hire prostitute is especially misguided, and your issue does not seem to be that you are intimidated by sex, so “demystifying” sex is not the essential treatment option. However, it might be possible that you have a diminished libido due to either physiological or psychological issues.

Admittedly, I do not even know of the state of your sex drive, and you probably are not inclined to discuss that on the internet. However, you could have a very productive discussion with you doctor or a specialist, and I hope you do.