The above post is so much overanalysis and overreaction. Doctor? Give me a break. That’s all you need, to think of yourself as so inept that you actually need to see a DOCTOR to figure out what’s “wrong with you.” Right, that’ll work wonders for your confidence. :rolleyes:
The OP clearly has a huge hangup about making the first move physically on a girl. This is not only how sex is initiated, it’s also usually how an official “relationship” is initiated. I mean…you’re on a date…you’re done with the date…whether or not you kiss (or do more) afterwards is what determines whether or not anything is going to come of the date. Do I need to spell it out here, for God’s sake? And if you don’t make the first move sexually, she won’t.
This says it all. You’re afraid to make a move on her.
You’re never going to get over this fear until you have sex with a woman. See a professional. And I don’t mean doctor.
I’m 27, and have only been in one relationship, which was when I was 25. It only lasted two months before she left me for my best friend at the time, and then spent the next ten months leading me to believe the kid she was pregnant with was mine. This obviously wasn’t a very healthy relationship, but it was one born out of loneliness, and settling for what I thought was the best I could hope for, and I paid the price for it.
On the other hand, I’ve had a half-dozen friends that I’ve had a night of fun with here and there, and I’ve been much happier with those. I miss the companionship that comes from a “real relationship” sometimes, but it only took that one bad start to make me realize you have to be careful about who you get entangled with. I’m not one to mentor men on women or friends because god knows my track record is pretty spotty, but you either need to be more proactive, or just get used to your own company.
As to the talk of prostitution, that’s just ridiculous. If your virginity is an albatross around your neck, then try that if it’s something you’d consider. But on the other hand, it’s no big deal that you’re still a virgin at 25. It’s just sex.
When a girl drags you over to her apartment repeatedly and keeps you there for long periods of time at night, she probably wants to have sex with you. When you didn’t show interest in sex, she figured you weren’t interested, which makes it confusing when you keep coming over and staying until 5 AM.
I agree that you don’t need to go see a doctor for fear of something wrong with you. (Though if you think seeing a therapist might help, no reason not to). Also, Argent Towers has a point - you may be a bit scared to make the first move on a woman. This doesn’t mean you have a low libido, or anything “wrong” with you - hell, I’m scared too.
I don’t think a hooker will help with that. If your problem is that you’re worried about picking up on the right social cues before making a move - well, with hookers you don’t need to do that. You pays your money, and things progress from there.
He’s scared to death. He’s been going to a chick’s house and “watching movies till 5 AM” and driving around with her - a chick that came onto HIM - and he can’t make a move? This is obviously the heart of the problem here.
If you don’t want to use the services of a woman who will give you a guaranteed act of physical intimacy, to demystify it, then your only other option is to force yourself to make a move on a woman. But I still contend that it will be easier to make a move on a woman if you’ve had sex with one, even if the sex was the result of a transaction rather than a “conquest.”
Yea, I agree with that. I don’t understand how seeing either type of professional ( ) can help you if what you seem to need, or at least try at first, is to pick up more social cues, be more confident, more assertive, etc.
And I’m really curious about how that social interaction was working. Did you hug her? Compliment her? Gave her a kiss on the cheek? Tried being the first one to text/call? If you weren’t, did you acknowledged that the other person was putting some effort and doing moves you were not? Did you drive your car?
Most, if not all, of those things apply to many relationships, not just romantic ones. Relationships in general are give and take and compromise. One person does/should not put all the effort in maintaining it while the other one is just a passive receptor.
And speaking as a girl, if I realize that I’m putting all the effort into a relationship and the other side is not doing anything, I’m going to go with “he’s not that interested” and stop the moves before (in my mind) appearing even more foolish. Since the other person has not done anything to continue it, puts any effort, nothing, whatever we have perishes.
Ok, I’m curious as to how this will work. He (to me, at least) seems too scare to pick up on even social cues that may tell him it is OK for him to make a move. Like another poster said, how is he going to learn that when he’s with a hooker, when socialization is not needed, just money?
If you’re a girl why do you have a man’s name as your username?
Anyway, of course all the women are going to shoot down the advice of seeing a professional. But I still think it should not be discounted as a possibility. I think whether he wants to admit it or not, whether he even wants to acknowledge it or not, on either a conscious or subconscious level, being 25 and still being a virgin carries a lot of emotional baggage that is going to hinder his attempts to make a move on a woman and keep him in “friend” territory for the rest of his life unless he overcomes that first hurdle.
Argent Towers, hiring a hooker is not the answer to every problem in life, nor is it good form to advise someone to commit an illegal act.
As for ejtx, I would suggest finding some hobbies and working on your friendships. Perhaps in the process you will develop confidence to face whatever issue is keeping you from finding a fulfilling relationship.
I’ve been around the internet since I was 15. Call it protective mechanism.
I can understand the last part of your paragraph. I just (IMHO) don’t think that that will help him in the long run. Sure, it may demistify it, but if he still lacks confidence and doesn’t develop a good relationship with himself, it won’t get him far ahead.
If he does develop more social cues, he can eventually have sex with a woman without money exchange. And I’m not talking about a serious girlfriend, btw.
Mississippienne, I never suggested hiring a “hooker”. That’s a word that other people are bringing up. I said he should hire an escort. This is a legal business - they have them in the phone book in most cities. You’re paying them for their time, and anything else that happens is between the two of you. I would never advise anyone to take part in an illegal activity.
It’s not the answer to every problem in life but it is the answer to losing your virginity when you’re 25 and scared to death of making the first move on a woman, even one who came on to you. I can’t see any other way of it happening, short of a woman making the first move on him, which is highly unlikely. What can I say? I’m sticking to my belief that the losing of the virginity is a big hurdle that just needs to be cleared, and when it is, it makes it a hell of a lot easier to initiate physical intimacy with a woman, even if it’s just because you know that you’re capable of doing it.
After the first, it gets a hell of a lot easier. Trust me. But if you don’t want to trust me, fine. You make your own decisions in life; ultimately it’s up to you.
What I find strangest about your predicament is that you seem to take no ownership of your situation at all. If you never spent time with, talked to, or interacted with women at all, I’d say - kudos to you for posting on a message board. That’s a fine first step. Next step is to take everyone’s advice about fixing things you dislike and putting yourself out there to meet people.
But that’s not your situation. You were with a woman until 5 AM many times, and still nothing happened. Why not? The way you describe it, it’s like you weren’t involved. Why didn`t you have sex? Did you kiss? Cuddle through the movie?
Maybe it’s the just way you describe it and not the reality of the situation but when you say:
ejtx, obviously there’s a fair bit of disagreement about what your best option would be here. However, there’s something you should notice: no one is saying “you’re screwed, give up now.” We may disagree on precisely what you should do to change your state of affairs, but we agree that things certainly can get better for you. That’s not a bad take-away message.
But it could be the answer to this problem. I haven’t gone that route, but it doesn’t seem that unreasonable a suggestion.
This works for girls if they’re halfway average-looking or above. They can sit around all day doing their hobbies and hanging with friends and some guy, somewhere, will come knocking.
A guy who does the same is pretty much securing a future as a loser-geek for life.
:rolleyes:
Seriously? I hope you left out a smiley by accident.
Hasn’t worked so far for me in this new town. Although that sounds vaguely similar to the previous “Don’t worry, someone will eventually come”, which also applies to men. Not to mention that even IF someone comes knocking, it won’t necessarily be appreciated. Actually, I don’t sit around in my hobbies… and I don’t hang out with close friends (because I moved and left all my friends behind).
Well, first of all, paying for sex is illegal and advising him to do so is gauche. Secondly, it sounds like what ejtx is missing is a feeling of connection to these girls – it’s not that he CAN’T get one, because he obviously CAN, it’s that he either has no idea what to do with a girl when he’s with one, he feels no emotional intimacy all all, or he’s not really attracted to them at all. I suspect he may have crippling self-doubt, but that may not be it.
I think 9 times out of 10 when a guy has these type of problems, it IS “crippling self doubt” or whatever you want to call it.
I highly doubt that he’s “not really attracted to them at all.” He probably spends every night whacking it about them. If he could wave a magic wand and make them have sex with him, he’d probably do it.
He just seems afraid to make the first move on a woman, as I’ve said a thousand times. There’s not much more to it than that.
Patronizing escorts is illegal? Since when? Go look in your phone book, Marley, I suspect you’ll find escorts in there. Why don’t you call the cops and tell them about these “illegal” businesses? I’m sure they’ll drive right over there and arrest them all.
I never suggested that he patronize a prostitute. But as to…
…
Prostitution is legal in Nevada, which, last I checked, was part of the U.S. So if he did want to patronize a prostitute, as opposed to an escort, he would be within his legal rights to do so, if he was in Nevada. Which is part of the U.S.
) can help you if what you seem to need, or at least try at first, is to pick up more social cues, be more confident, more assertive, etc.