Anyone curious as to why I am a 30 year old virgin can rest assured the answer is simple:
I haven’t a freakin’ clue!
Every single time I have ever gone out, or almost-gone out, on a date with someone of the opposite sex, it has led to nothing nothing nothing!
Not sex (which I have never expected), not a kiss, not a second date, nothiiiiing.
I do nothing wrong, I am a nice, fun, interesting guy who tries to be as harmless yet entertaining as possible… if it even gets to that stage. But it results in total nothingness 100% of the time.
I am talking every single time ever in my whole life!
Please don’t anyone suggest some corny annoying meaningless platitude like “Hey, there’s someone out there for everybody, you just have to keep looking” as I currently think that is a load of crap.
You don’t buy the, “there is someone for everyone” thing.
So what do you want from me?
Pity?
I really can’t believe you want that.
Want me to fuck you?
I really can’t believe you want that either.
Why don’t you tell me what exactly you want from me as a poster. Empty platitudes I will not give you. Empty promises I won’t give either. I won’t even give you pity.
I can give you acceptance. I can give you my best thought power if only you will tell me what you want.
I knew a guy once who had a philosphy. When he went to bar, he went up to every woman there (one at a time, of course) and told her he thought she was beautiful and he would like to sleep with her.
Bear in mind that this was not an attractive or wealthy guy by any stretch of the imagination. I asked him about his little strategy. He said that out of every 100 women he asked to sleep with him, one or two would say yes. The trick was to not take the 98 to 99 nos personally.
The point is, you gotta ask. And if you ask enough, someone will say yes.
Guano, I feel for you, I really do. I am pretty much in the same boat as you are. The only difference is, I have had sex (although none in quite some time). It’s usually easier for a woman to find someone to sleep with. But as far as dates, romance, love…never really got experience any of that.
I know how you feel. I was 25 before anything happened for me. The only reason it did then was that she fairly experienced and took the role of aggressor.
Maybe you’re being too nice? I used get “you’re such a nice guy, but…” crap all the friggin’ time. Now that I really don’t give a care whether they think I’m a nice guy, I seldom hear that. It can be a delicate balancing act between self confident and jerk, but I see a lot of jerks with girlfriends.
If they say you’re “sweet”, forget it. It’s the Kiss of Death.
Okay, these two guys are at the beach. One has never been successful with women, while the other has quite an active social life. The former asks the other what he can do to get women to notice him.
“Women won’t talk to me,” he says, “What can I do?”
The other man advises in a conspiratorial voice, “Do what I do. Put a potato in your Speedos.”
“Great idea! I’ll try it!” And he goes off to try the advice. A couple of hours later he returns, rather distraught.
“I did what you said!”, he says, “I put the potato in my Speedos, but now women are running away from me!”
The other looks down and cries, “No, you idiot! You’re supposed to put it in the [f]front*!”
Being a “nice guy” rarely gets chicks. Though when it does it’s usually wonderful. However, being a nice guy when a female has a boyfriend . . . then said boyfriend and female break up. F then depends on you for friendship while she goes out hunting for another . . . "you’re too good of a friend . . . I value you too much as a friend . . . "etc. F finds a new bf. F talks endlessly of B. B and F break up. Again you counsel F.
1 times out of 10, F realizes you are who she wants.
The other 9 times bite hard. Esp. when you are attracted to F. However, being a nice guy, you can’t usually tell her that you’d like to be with her, for that would ruin the friendship.
I feel for you, Guano; you sound pretty sad right now.
If I’m reading this/you right, it isn’t just about sex at all, but connection, companionship, etc. too. No earth shattering words of wisdom to offer; wish I had.
Would a few observations be okay? And keep in mind they come from someone who only knows bits and pieces of you from a bb. (Translation: not worth much.)
You seem to me to be fairly quiet and self-contained. You strike me as having a lot of internal resouces in that you can cope very well with solitude, but you’d just like less of it. Relationships can demand a lot of time and energy. (Heck, even finding someone to start a relationship with takes a lot of time and energy!) Simple fact: quiet, shy people have a lot rougher time of it.
The best I can offer is that people are attracted to those who are interested in them. Maybe your reticence gets in the way of them knowing you’re interested. FWIW, noisy ones might get the attention first, but there are plenty of folks who find quiet self-containment refreshing.
Guess all I can say is, look at the person first to see if you really want to spend a lot of time with her. If the answer is yes, let her know.
No matter what, I’m wishing you the best. Consider yourself firmly hugged. You’re too fine a person to be lonely and unhappy.
Veb, I am almost exactly as you perceive. The problem is, showing my interest would be a lot easier if the women actually met me in the first place.
I had a semi-blind date planned for yesterday - and she didn’t even turn up. When I tracked her down on her mobile to ask what the deal was, she said she’d decided to cancel and spend a night with her family instead.
Wish she’d actually told me.
This is, indeed, the story of my life. Women would much rather do other things than be with me.
This may sound strange, but bear with me. I’m not your typical male chauvinist pig. Yet, it has been my experience that women actually like it when a man is a stubborn asshole from time to time, i.e. he’s not afraid to be verbal in public situations.
Paul, you’re doing NOTHING wrong. It’s just a question of repertoire. You’re probably being too nice, on the whole. Women don’t mind a guy pointing out an obvious mistake to the waiter, e.g. I’m not suggesting you should become a full-blown asshole (God knows we’ve got enough of those), but it’s OK to show your fangs from time to time. I think you’re a great, intelligent guy. And you’re a Maori! I mean, how much cooler can you be?
You’ll do fine, eventually. Yeah, I know, that’s one of those fucking cliches. But the thing about cliches is that they’re all true.
Not to sound facile, Guano, but her behavior was just plain glaringly rude. Helluva tacky act, whether on a semi-blind date or just getting together w/ a pal. Fate just spared you on that one!
Hang in there and keep slugging. There are plenty of jerks of either gender floating around, sad to say. It isn’t true that “women” generically don’t want to be around you. You’ve managed to captivate some pretty picky ladies right here on this here bulletin board. It’s the same “you” as in person. (And I’ve seen your picture; you’re a lunch, kiddo!}
BTW, I find it nothing but admirable that you hold out for something a little more personal. A quick, impersonal bounce in the hay with an “anybody’s” pretty much demeans both parties.
Coldy, to not act nice is very alien to me. I seriously can’t do it. Not that I’m totally angelic, but I am thoughtful and considerate of all people, no matter who they are - and I get walked over for my trouble.
Stop being a “nice sweet guy” this won’t get you laid.
Double check to make sure you aren’t doing anything wrong.
YOu need the following.
1 clean neat clothes, clean neat car, clean neat house, clean neat haircut, inoffensive deoderant and colonge, condoms…
2 Ask out lots of women. Ask lots of women to have sex with you.
3 Repeat after me “rejection means nothing to me.”
4 If all else fail get one of those “how to score with chicks” books
Get a job where you meet lots of women. This can work even if you have a regular job. Get a job as a bartender. You will meet hundreds of drunk women.
My brother used to work as a bartender. Women will sit at the bar all night and reject man after man who hits on them because “they just want sex.” Then at closing time, they go home with the bartender.
Guano, courtesy and consideration aren’t weaknesses. It’s okay, fine and right to respect yourself enough to demand civil behavior. Quietly standing up for yourself is NOT rude, unkind or not-nice.
Maybe this is central to your communication problems; you have the instincts of a genuine gentleman–in all the finest senses–but need the means to convey your code. Truth to tell, we mostly get the respect we expect. It doesn’t mean blustering or show-boating. After years of paralyzing shyness I finally mastered a cool, level stare that daunts the pissiest hardass-wannabe gang banger around, much less general crass bozos.
Look at it this way, the only way people know you at first is what you show them. Most folks really are nice in intent, but they’re gonna accept you at your own valuation. What else to they have to go by?
If you won’t stand up for rudeness and injustice to yourself, when will you stand up? I’m NOT suggesting a lot of stupid posing and posturing. But sometimes passivity isn’t nice; it’s defeat on all levels–to yourself most of all.
“Nothing stronger than kindness; nothing kinder than true strength.” Real gentlemen–and you are one–blend both.
Hope this isn’t getting too treacly; email if you want. It’s time and past time you stopped under-valuing yourself.
Chicks will always tell you that are looking for a sweet guy who treats them right. But that is just not true! They always go for the guys that treat them like crap. I don’t know the psychological reason for this, but its true. You never see a guy who is a @$$hole alone do you? I know from experience. Its enough to make a man join a monastery!!!
