Advice welcome

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, here’s the problem.
I’ve been chasing this girl for quite a while. Unfortunately, I’m not the most obvious guy; actually, I exhibit the chronic “nice guy” symptoms that most of the ladies here are already familiar with. In other words, low self esteem, an unwillingness to confront women on what I want, and just general wussiness. I also am terrible at reading and giving signals. So, since July, the situation has been less than optimal.

Fast forward to this weekend. She’s on a sports team that travels a lot, and just returned from a trip across the country. I got in touch with her last night, and asked her if she had any plans for Friday, since I was going to be down by her and was planning on going out with a mutual friend.

Nope, she says. Can’t; gotta date.

Well, FUCK. Now what? I’ve been wanting to get together with this girl since February, and I actually got up enough balls to try getting something going (which is a big step for me-hey, I said I was a wuss). So now I’m mad; not at her, but at myself, for not biting the bullet and just going balls to the wall on this.

So here’s the plan. I don’t think she’s too serious about this guy yet; we talk about once every 2 weeks, and I spoke to her before she left for this trip. This is the first time she’s mentioned any dates. Now that I realize I have absolutely nothing to lose, I’m prepared to lay it all out (which sucks, since I’ll have to do it on the phone).

I’m going to do it tonight.

Now, Teeming Millions, rip me and my plan to shreds. I want to know what you think-is this a good plan, or does it rank up there with New Coke? Any hints, helpful suggestions? Flames? Whatever, it’s welcome.

Oh, and for those who wanted pick up line #5, here it is (it’s here because I may have to use it tonight): “How do you expect me to become the love of your life if you won’t give me a first date?”

“I’m still here, asshole!”-Angus Bethune

2

Why rip on that? Go for it. Blunt openness was always my favorite course of action. What’s the worst that can happen?

Well, maybe I shouldn’t get you thinking along those lines.

But, you gotta chase your dreams, and it sounds like a good enough time to do it.

Here in frog land we always eat our porridge, because it keeps us frogs real peaceful-like.

3

That is the only way to do it. Don’t let that train leave the station without you again!

We’re all here, because we’re not all there!

4

The worst thing that could happen is she’ll say “no thanks”.

As one shy guy to another, I say go for it, mon.

Ya can’t win the lotto if ya don’t play.

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

5

I agree with the others. Be strong of spirit!

In several Japanese there is a term Osu! which thanks to the wonderfulness of Japanese means several things. Literally, it means to push, but in martial arts circles in means to push ahead or to endure. So martial artist will often speak of the Spirit of Osu. I.e. the spirit to push ahead. This is a source of great strength and, personally, I feel that this spirit in combination with being a “nice guy” makes you unstoppable in life! Nice guys only finish last when they believe they must finish last. Be good and be strong, good things will follow but you must have both.

And now from Glitch’s Nifty Saying Folder:

“The merit of an action lies in finishing it to the end” - Genghis Khan

“Let your heart soar as high as it will.” - A.W. Toxer

“Boldness, more boldness and always boldness.” - Georges Jacques Denton

“Never, never, never, never give up” - Winston Churchill

and finally

“In difficult situations when hope seems feeble, the boldest plans are safest.” - Livy

6

One word dude – stalking.
(Hey, it ain’t illegal if ya don’t get caught.)

Seriously, though. Blunt honesty is the way to go.
“I like you, want to get to know you better, what say we give it a shot?”
If you know some thing she likes to do on her own or with her friends, plan on doing that.
“I know you got back from your away game so I would have asked you sooner, but I’ve got two tickets to the Springfield Sparks basketball game tomorrow, ya wanna go?”

Oh, there’s a difference between blunt and brute honesty:

Blunt – “I like you and want to go out.”
Brute – “Wanna screw?”

Go blunt (you’re behind the curve already), go honest (she’s gotta know where your coming from), pin her down to a specific answer (yes, no, get fuckin’ lost) and deal with her answer honestly. If she says no, move on.

Here’s a nickle, I’d like my $.03 change, please.

7

Well, I hate to be the lead brick in a room of helium balloons, but let me ground you a bit, Flyp. Just to cover all the bases.

This raised a flag for me. Now I know nothing about this woman, so it certainly is possible that she does in fact have a date. BUT understand that most women are wimps when it comes to telling Nice Guys they are not interested. To their credit, they don’t want to hurt any feelings, but the tactic, IMO, merely prolongs the agony. The most common response to this situation is a delay tactic like saying they have a date. They hope you will eventually “get the hint” and fall off like a two-month-old wart.

As a member of the male gender I of course encourage you to carpe the diem, but remember not to sacrifice your self-respect in your quest. Just look for signals from her that you have crossed the line from “cute” to “clingy”. For example, making really lame excuses for not hanging out. Sometimes being persistent works against you.

And as a Former Nice Guy, I can promise you one thing. Women always date assholes at first, but they eventually come crawling back to the Nice Guys. It may be after several boyfriends, and perhaps one or two husabnds, but I guarantee it will happen. :slight_smile:

May the Flyp be with you…

Back off, man. I’m a scientist.

8

Chief, I knew a guy once who used the “brute” line regularly in the bar he hung out in. He said he got slapped regularly, 9 times out of 10, but the 10th time made it worth it! :slight_smile:

9

My own sad story:

I lusted after a particular girl, S, for a looong time. Finally, I broke up with the girl I was seeing and she broke up with her longtime boyfriend in September. Ta-da, we’re both free!

I spent the next several weeks building up the nerve to make a move. Finally, I decided to make my intentions known on Halloween. When Halloween arrived, she was caught up in something (this was during college, she had some dorm-related program going on, blood drive I think) and couldn’t hit the local cinema with the rest of us. So, I went with the group anyway. During the movie, another girl, J, apparently got the idea that I was into her.

Man, J latched onto me like a barnacle; for the next several weeks, I could not shake her. It was kinda funny to others to see how she’d come into my room and lie on my bed all snuggled up next to me; I’d find an excuse to get up, then reseat myself on the other side, and she’d gradually scoot on over. Yeesh. Finally, I managed to ditch her somehow.

The day after I did, S went home for Thanksgiving. She got set up by a friend of hers with some bull rider, and she screwed him within 6 hours of meeting him.

It is a rare day indeed when I do not regret not making my move sooner. Go for it, and good luck to you.

10

Poly –
I, in my misspent youth, have also used the “brute” approach.
I found, though, that any diddlin’ dalliances paled in comparison to a healthy relationship replete with sex. Important as sex is to any relationship, so is honesty, respect and forthrightiousness.
As I grew older, I just rearranged my priorities.

11

Odd, none of the females have sounded off yet.

But thank you, gentlemen, for the advice and encouragement. The diem will undoubtedly be carped, Al, so no worries about that. Being fed up with yourself is an odd feeling; little to no fear of hearingthe word no, now.

Your point is valid, and one I have considered. As I said before, I’m terrible at signals, so what I got seemed mixed. I got several positive ones the times we were together, but those seemed to be almost perfectly balanced with offputting ones when I spoke to her on the phone. To be fair, this girl does not strike as a game player; I think she’s quite down-to-earth, which is one of the things that attracted me to her. I don’t think this is an orchestrated plot to string me along. I could provide details, but won’t do so unless some of you have a real desire to take this apart.

“I’m still here, asshole!”-Angus Bethune

12

Flypside, OK, I suck at relationship crap but I’m going to give you my opinion anyway.

Be honest with her and tell you how you feel, but keep it light hearted. Don’t get on your knees and look in her eyes, your eyes brimming with emotion. Anything too intense is going to make her feel uncomfortable and a little creeped out.

Your opening line is witty and clever. If you keep the conversation at a fun level it will show her that you are entertaining, that you’ll have a good time together and you’re a nice guy who actually can be honest. Chicks dig those qualities.

Also, if she ends up seeing this guy for awhile, be okay with it - don’t show jealousy or bitterness. When she’s done with him she’ll come running to you because you were so cool the whole time. Keep us posted.

13

Wow, Melanie, you took the words right out of my mouth! Don’t make it into a big deal or anything, but do ask her. If she decides to go with you, great! If she decides to go with him, let it go, knowing that she at least knows that you’re interested for future reference. But none of this will happen if you don’t ask.

Modest? You bet I’m modest! I am the queen of modesty!

14

Yeah! Yeah! What Mel said!

Okay, just so you know, Flypsyde, when you ask a girl out with a mutual friend, she probably doesn’t know that it’s a date.

I’m not sure what you planned to do with her on your date, but make sure she knows it’s a date, okay?

You sound like a funny and sweet guy. I hope she says yes, then gives you a kiss that melts your Underoos.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, dogs are from Pluto. - Anonymous

15

I think you should go for it, but as mentioned above, don’t make it a “true confessions” thing. More like a “Hey! I’ve got an idea! I know you’re busy this weekend, but how about dinner and a movie next Saturday?”.
It doesn’t have to be a big huge deal, but DO make sure she gets the point that you want to move this relationship onward, or she may get confused.
FWIW, I had lots of guy friends who (I swear to God) I didn’t know were interested in me. Years later when I run into them they say “Man, I sure wish I had the nerve to ask you out then” and I think “Me too…especially because I was dating assholes waiting for a nice guy to come along.”
Go for it, be direct but casual, and let us know what happens.
Zette

A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of assholes.
Zettecity

16

Thank you ladies.

I have to say one of the things that concerns me is whether I’ve been pigeonholed as a gasp friend. It’s been my experience that girls most assuredly do not date their friends; it’s refreshing to hear that some of you do consider them viable dating options.

Let’s hope she feels the same.

And if anyone has anything to add, add it before, say, 4:15 CDT. After that, it’s showtime.

“I’m still here, asshole!”-Angus Bethune

17

gets the pompons out

Go Flyp Go!
Go Flyp Go!

At least you will know where you stand. Uncertainty is what gets to most of us. You like me? Yes? Good. No? Fine. Move along now. :wink:

Oh and trust me, women dig nice guys.

Sex appeal – Give generously

18

way to go mel and also chief… if you dont have honesty and respect… you have nothing…

We are, each of us angels with only one wing;
and we can only fly by
embracing one another

19

Okay, guys. I’m off. Wish me luck, and I’m leaving something to discuss.

How many of you have actually dated more than one person at a time? How did it go? Were both parties privy to the situation? How did they react to the news?

Check in tomorrow for updates, and thanks again for the encouragement.

“I’m still here, asshole!”-Angus Bethune

20

When I was still “in circulation” there was a difference between dating and “going out.”

You were allowed to date as many people as you wanted to - I automatically assumed that a guy was dating other girls until we had “the talk.”

My husband and I had the following conversation about 11 years ago:

Me: “So, I was wondering what you thought about dating exclusively?”

Him (extremely nonchalantly): “Yeah, that’s cool. We could do that.”

After we’d been married for a couple years he told me that inside his head he was going: Wait… I thought we already were dating exclusively… She wants me! COOOOL! Whoopee! Yee-haw!

What a badass.