Subtle Solicitation of Social Suggestions

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Alliteration aside, I’ve come upon a quandary.

It occurs that I have been dating, on and off, a gal who previously had only been a friend of mine. It’s a non-exclusive arrangement, we’re not going steady or nothin’ - she dates other people, and I. .well, I don’t, but I could. I’ve come across an issue, though.

You see, I can’t tell if the dates are ‘two friends going out to a movie and stuff’ or ‘romantic date-dates.’ I’d be happy either way, to be honest, if only I had a clear idea as to which it was. Reading social signals is not my forte.

So, what would other Doper-folks do in a situation like this? I’m thinking of simply asking, but how does one phrase a question like that?

Oh, if only people were mathematical equations with a clear solution…

2

Try to kiss her, that’ll get your answer.

3

I know you’re not a big fan of the “Kiss her and see what happens” answer, so how 'bout you try to hold her hand in the movies?

4

And this won’t cause lasting problems or awkwardness in the friendship if the answer is no? :dubious:

5

Would that be a strong indicator?

6

Do you want it to be a dating thing, or do you want it to be a friends thing? That will affect your strategy.

7

Wow, something I can kinda-sorta help with! I went through something similar recently, and with help from Dopers made it all work out.

Here’s the whole story of my friend/girlfriend/dating situation.

With her and I, we never had an official date. We’d make out when we got drunk, and kind of cuddle up and hug a lot, even while sober. There was definite attraction, but neither of us were making a move.

Like you, I was unsure how to proceed. It sounds like you’re not 100% into her anyway. I mean, you should be at least a little disappointed when she goes on dates with someone other than you if you’re actually intending to start a relationship with her, right? You say you’d be happy either way, girlfriend or not, but you should be happier if she were to be your girlfriend. If you’re not that interested, then you’re fine where you’re at.

If you do want more, then you’re going to have to act. And it’s hard, I know. There’s all sorts of weirdness since she’s been your friend longer than she has a romantic interest. And don’t even get me started on mutual friends and their responses and yadda yadda. It’s uncomfortable to say the least.

What worked for me was getting way drunk and making out with someone else and letting her find out. She got jealous enough to talk to me about it, also while drunk, and I asked her on a date. For some reason, she accepted.

This isn’t smooth or appropriate in any way. Even though it worked for me, I wouldn’t recommend it.

You say you’re already going on dates. Take her on one, and straight-out ask her. She’ll probably be glad to talk about it, even if its just to tell you she’s not interested. Getting a beer or 2 in you will probably make it easier, but don’t get drunk like I did.

Honestly though, if she’s dating other guys, she’s probably not that interested. The girl I’m currently seeing (yeah, the former friend in that previous post) “held out” for me for almost a year. She didn’t date other guys, but instead spent all her free time with me or her girlfriends. She called all the time when we weren’t together and went out of her way to see me as frequently as she could. I still missed those signals, but that’s not the point. I would imagine any friend-trying-to-be-more would do about the same. Women-folk can chime in and tell me if I’m wrong.

I wouldn’t recommend just trying to kiss her. I got that advice a lot too. Seems like a bad idea if she’s not interested.

And good luck. It worked out great for me, and is easily the best relationship ever. She was already my best friend and I would have done anything for her. Now its more of the same, but… um… better.

8

Dates? As in plural? If you have had multiple ‘dates’ with this person and you still don’t know if it’s romantic, then I think ‘just friends’ is a pretty good assumption.

Multiple dates and no kissing, or even hand holding is friendship, in my opinion.

9

twickster : I’m in the odd brainspace where what I most want is clarity. Certainly, I’d like it to be more than friendship, but I’m not going to be devastated if that’s not what she wants.

Lionel : You underestimate my cluelessness about social signals.

10

Hm, okay.

I’ll vote for “ask her.” I personally wouldn’t recommend getting drunk first – and, frankly, I’m not sure drinking first should be necessary. Just ask, “So, are we dating or just hanging?” She probably either doesn’t realize there’s confusion in your mind – or is hoping you’ll bring up the topic. Either way, I don’t think she’ll freak and never want to see you again.

If she does want “just friends,” there might be a wee bit of awkwardness the next time you see her after the conversation – but it’s not the end of the world. I’ve gone through this once or twice and it really is possible to be “just friends” with someone, even if one or the other of you was toying with the “dating” idea at one point (or at more than one point, sometimes – but that’s a really long story).

11

Unfortunately, that question’s still going to leave things ambiguous…

12

Okay – I’m confused – if that’s not the question, what is?

13

Well, we are dating. The question is if it’s just-friends dating or romantic dating.

14

Just-friends dating is… um… nothing. When I go out with my buddies, I’m not on a date. I’m just hanging out with them.

“Dating” definitely implies romantic feelings.

15

What wasson said. If there’s a romantic/sexual thing going on, it’s dating. Otherwise it’s hanging out.

She already knows this, so the question as I phrased it will be meaningful to her. :wink:

16

Meh. Let’s say the implications that result from us ‘dating’ aren’t strong enough to overcome the contradictory evidence, like the dating of other people.

Still, I appreciate the efforts to help.

17

I second this. If she likes you, she is probably being demure and waiting for you…it’s still hard for girls to ask guys, and only a handful can do it regularly. (IMO). Plus it also depends on the guy…I’ve been known to ask guys out, but I wouldn’t do it with some.

18

Again, my goal here is to settle my mind on the matter, and an affirmative answer to that particular question doesn’t help me.

19

Not to double-post, but this wasn’t there before.

Well, just ask her. Take her out somewhere nice, and when you have some quiet time (walk in the park?) take her hands, turn her to face you, look deeply into her eyes, and say,

“Listen, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you. It’s hard for me to say, so please be patient with me.
I really like you…as in more than friends. I enjoy the time we spend together, and want to spend more of it with you. But…I don’t want to lose our friendship, either.
Is there any possibility you might feel the same? Or am I just dreaming?”

And see where she goes. three things may happen, she’ll either say,
“Yes, I feel the same!”, in which case KISS HER. And post about it on the Dope.

Or “No, Turtle-Man…I really like being friends with you…” and here she’ll probably give an addendum. “I’m dating so-and-so. I’m getting married.” Blah,blah. In which case you can easily still be friends. Just say, “Well, lucky him!” Or “Isn’t that just my luck?” And don’t say anything wrong?

Or, a little worse, “No,” and she hedges. “Um, well…I had no idea…” And this is her trying to tell you she really doesn’t like you and doesn’t know how to say it. In which case, it’s going to take a little more time to be friends again, and a little more work on your part, to be casual and indicate to her you’re not going to turn into some awful stalker. You may have to jump in and say something like, “It’s all right if you don’t feel the same…I understand.”

Whew!

20

Ask her.

It’s a lot simpler than most posters are making it out to be. Just ask her the same question you asked in the OP: “I can’t tell if these dates are ‘two friends going out to a movie and stuff’ or ‘romantic date-dates.’ I’d be happy either way, to be honest. What is it to you?”

Or to be even simpler: “Hey, where are we going with this?”

She won’t bite, she won’t yell. She’ll probably appreciate your honesty.

Believe me, if you can’t speak frankly to her, you’ll be wasting your time trying to make anything out of this anyway.