Doper women, help a clueless man out

Last night I went out with a female friend. I met her in 96 and asked her out, but she didn’t like me “like that.” We remained friends (I firmly believe that if I like you well enough to ask you out, I like you well enough to want to be friends) and we get together once in a while. Last spring she tried to fix me out with one of her friends.

Last night we went to a piano concert. I bought the tickets. When she offered to pay for hers, I said “no problem, my treat.” She laughed and said “Oooh, is this like a date?” I laughed too and said “Well… am I gonna get any afterwards?” More laughter and a confirmation that no, I was not.

Later in the evening she said she wanted chocolate and I offered to get her some. “No she said, my ass is too fat already.” I didn’t say anything so she said “This is where you say, ‘no, your ass isn’t fat’” I said, “Actually, I was thinking that it must be the jeans, 'cause your ass doesn’t look fat to me.” She said “That’s good, you could say that.” I teased her and said “Not with a straight face, I couldn’t.” She knew I was teasing and we both laughed hard enough to almost get kicked out of the concert.

Tonight she called around 5:30 to thank me for the evening and to let me know that she was just going to stay home, curl up on the couch and watch a movie.

I told her I was watching the PSU game and the phone call ended.

Was I supposed to invite myself over? Was I supposed to invite her to my place? Or ask her to go to dinner? It seemed odd to call just to say she was going to curl up and watch a movie.

This is why I’m still single, I never know whether a woman is sending signals or not. As I said, I’m clueless.

Sure sounds like signals to me. If you would have felt awkward outright inviting yourself over, then when she said she was going to curl up and watch a movie, you could have said “would you like some company, or were you hoping to have some time by yourself”. This way, if you were wrong about the signal, it would have given her a graceful out. But now the ball is in your court, so to speak. Maybe in a couple of days, you could call her and say “you know, I really enjoyed myself at the concert; would you like to get together this weekend?” and see what she says. All I know is, if I called some guy up to tell him I was spending the evening all alone, it would definitely be a signal.

I know it’s not mundane or pointless to the OP, but still…


I dunno, doesn’t seem like a signal to me (men always complain that they don’t get women, but it’s not like most women get women either). You said she called to thank you for the evening - a perfectly normal thing to do, and mentioned that she was spending the night at home. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I could easily see myself mentioning that in the course of conversation without it meaning anything other than “I am spending the night at home.”

The “Oooh is this a date” is possibly a signal, but on its own I’d just take it as playful banter.

I don’t know. It could go either way. I do have a friend that is a guy, that I con’t like “that way”. I call him sometimes just to chat, and in the course of the conversation I may very well mention that I’m just going to stay home and watch a movie.

I guess it kind of depends upon how the rest of the conversation went. If she said it in reply to an inquiry of yours as to what she was going to do. Well, to me, that is when I would mention to my friend that I was staying home alone. It’s kind of my way of letting him know I’m not interested in anything beyond a friendship and no “date dates”.

FTR I pay my fair share of our hanging out costs.

But the way your friend was teasing, it’s possible she was flirting. It’s just hard to know unless we knew the context, and her tone and so on.

If I were purposely bringing a man’s attention to my ass, and it was a man that I wanted INTERESTED in my ass, I’d be doing it in a flirty, fun, bedroom eyed way.

If it was just a coworker and I was lamenting the size of my ass, it would be matter of fact, funny and self deprecating. Sorry I know we can be hard to read, it just all depends upon the way it’s said. Only one thing for you to do. Next time, ask if she wants company and so on.

PS, I don’t get why this, unlike dozens of other “hey guys/hey girls tell me about X that you girls do” type threads in IMHO is MPSIMS while they are not?

I’m not criticizing, I’m honestly curious. Since the OP is asking for opinions regarding how women view things, this seems very similar to dozens of other similar threads that frequently pop up in IMHO. So why this thread?

Not that it matters where the thread is located, sorry, like I said, just curious.

I just started a thread asking the same question:

Really? I woulda sworn I was asking for opinions…

<SHRUG> Sorry, I’ll try to get it right in the future.

If I had mentioned it, it probably meant I was hoping you’d offer to come over, or ask me over to watch a movie.

My two cents.

I didn’t ask actually. Indeed, I was in the middle of a nap when she called, so it didn’t occur to me to ask what she was doing.

I’ve reviewed a couple of weeks worth of thread titles in both IMHO and MPSIMS.

I made a mistake.

Back from MPSIMS to IMHO.

I’m pleased to see the software removed the redirect. I was afraid I was going to be creating some sort of perpetual loop here.

Sometimes I feel bad for men, we women can be so hard to understand sometimes. We rarely come right out and tell you what we want unless we know what you want.
In this situation, you’ve made your move, although it was years ago. Trust me when I say that she hasn’t forgotten about that. Unfortunately that doesn’t shed a lot of light on the current situation. There are a few possibilities here.

  1. She’s just being too flirty but considers you only as a friend. I definitely read her comments as being flirty comments, though some women (and I’m guilty of this) flirt a lot when they mean nothing by it. However, if a man has let it be known that he is interested in me and I do not feel the same, I try to rein in the flirtiness to keep from raising his hopes or confusing the situation. Overall, this analysis leads me to believe that this is not the correct assessment of the situation.

  2. She has changed her mind after spending so much time with you over the past several years and doesn’t know how to tell you. She’s dropping hints that she would like you to ask her out again. She’s hoping that by flirting with you (in what I assume has been uncharacteristic of your relationship in the past-if she’s always talked to you like that, all bets are off and I’d firmly believe that #1 was the more likely scenario) she will show that she is now interested in you. By merely flirting, she leaves the ball in your court, so that if your feelings towards her have changed, she’s risked less than if she were direct about her feelings for you.

All of that analysis leads me to believe that the second scenario is more likely than the first. I base all of this on the “date” encounter, and not so much on the phone call. The phone call seems random and weird and it’s hard to judge exactly what her intent was without more information. I can tell you that I don’t often call people just to say “thanks, I had a great time” if I’m not interested in them in more than a friendly way. I would likely say that when we said our goodbyes that night. To call you about it later seems like a way to stay in contact.

Of course, I know you realize that you’ve just solicitated relationship advice over the Internet and therefore know that I could be completely offbase. :slight_smile:
I agree with everyone else, this thread should have stayed in IMHO. That’s where I expect to see relationship advice threads. On preview I see that TYM has already fixed it. :wink:


Count me in with the “probably should have invited yourself over” (with her permission) crowd. Sounds kind of flirty to me.

See, the problem with asking questions like this is - believe it or not - all women are different. No, we really don’t all think alike. We are not made from molds. For instance, I despise shoes and shopping. I think engagement rings and weddings are a frivolous waste of money. gasp!

So, there is no way anyone here can decide what this woman meant. We don’t even know her - at least you do.

We don’t know if she has always been flirty, or if this is a new thing. We don’t know if she always engages in meaningless jabber (for whatever reason) or if her telling you her plans for the evening was really off-course for her. We don’t know if she adheres to tradition customs (and therefore would never make the first move) or if she’s adopted the more modern dating customs (and therefore would have just asked you to come over if that’s what she wanted). We don’t know if she’s the type of woman who could know someone for nine years, set them up with friends, and suddenly a few months later decide the relationship needs to change (not likely in my opinion - but I don’t know her).

We can only tell you what we would mean if we had done that - but that in no way, shape, or fashion corresponds to what she meant.

Maybe you should ask her? “Hey, sorry you got me when I was napping - my head was still cloudy and it didn’t occur to me until later that you may have been extending an implied invitation - I hope you didn’t think I snubbed you” would easily solve the dilemma, without even giving away that you’ve still got a crush on her.

Just going by what she said, I’d say she’s interested. But given how important non-verbal communication is in these sorts of situations, I’m definitely not concluding anything.

See, I don’t buy this. There’s a very strong selection pressure on the ability to tell who’s willing to mate with us, so any genes that would negatively affect your success there will get bred out pretty quickly. You may have confidence issues that make it tough for you to follow your instinct here, but it’s still there.

Cut the games and ask.

Ok, what she did…the call you and tell you she was staying home…I never would have done that if I wanted to see a guy. That’s what I would have done if I’d had a nice time the night before, but wasn’t interested in seeing him again real soon.

If I wanted to see him, I would have said something like, “What are your plans this evening? Oh, you’re watching the game? I love <insert sport>, but I hate watching any sport by myself…no one to argue with.” Then I would have waited for the guy to ask me over, or I would have invited myself.

She may have been trying to get you to invite yourself over, but if she was, she was going about it all wrong.

What should you do? Call her up tomorrow and ask her to lunch or ask her if she wants to come watch your newest Netflix DVD with you, etc. Be casual, be friend-like.

Good luck!

OK. That may not have been a signal but…

We went for drinks tonight and when I got home there was a message on my answering machine telling me that she had a lot of fun and if I wanted to dress up tomorrow and go to a party with her, she would really enjoy my company.

I think that that may be a signal…

Yep, that’s a signal.